children nowadays have less time for play than their parents did. what extent do you agree or disagree

in this day and age, legitimate concerns have been raised over time allocated for relaxation and stress alleviation among youngsters. some argue that children now do not have as much time for entertainment as the previous generation did, others think in contrast. from my standpoint, i partly agree with the statement.
to begin with, children nowadays are victims of busy lifestyles. as schools, even in rural areas, now place much more emphasis on education, the curriculum is also altered accordingly. students constantly have to deal with the daily grind of heavy workload both in class and at home. this is synonymous with a paucity of time for recreational activities, unlike the last generation when curriculars were not as stressful. secondly, to survive in the ever-growing world, society attaches greater importance to scholastic accomplishments and rankings in class. such inclination towards education gives rise to competitiveness and ultimately leads to stress and lethargy, to name but a few. therefore, the youth fail to engage in activities.
on the flip side, this is not always the case. previous generations bore the brunt of war which, therefore, deprived them of a healthy and fulfilling development. to be more specific, they might have had to take refuge or lived under the poverty line as a result of continual wars and such a childhood might not have involved much time for recreational activities.
in conclusion, i contend that such a statement that youngsters now have less time apportioned to playing than the past generations is not completely accurate. although children are under stress in the form of academic pressure which means less time for play, parents were also victims of war.

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Errors and Improvements:

"in this day and age" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: Capitalizing the first letter of the sentence and replacing "in this day and age" with "In the contemporary era" enhances the formal tone and provides a more precise temporal reference.
"legitimate concerns have been raised" -> "legitimate concerns have emerged"
Explanation: Changing "have been raised" to "have emerged" streamlines the sentence and aligns better with academic diction by implying a natural development of concerns.
"some argue" -> "some individuals contend"
Explanation: Replacing "argue" with "contend" and specifying "individuals" elevates the formality and specificity of the statement.
"others think in contrast" -> "others hold a contrasting viewpoint"
Explanation: "hold a contrasting viewpoint" is more formal and academically appropriate than "think in contrast," which is somewhat colloquial.
"i partly agree" -> "I partially concur"
Explanation: Capitalizing "I" corrects a grammatical error, and replacing "partly agree" with "partially concur" enhances the academic tone.
"children nowadays are victims of busy lifestyles" -> "children in the contemporary era are subjected to busy lifestyles"
Explanation: "subjected to" is more precise and formal than "are victims of," and "in the contemporary era" is more academically appropriate than "nowadays."
"schools, even in rural areas, now place much more emphasis" -> "educational institutions, including those in rural areas, currently place significant emphasis"
Explanation: "educational institutions" is more formal than "schools," and "currently place significant emphasis" is more precise and formal than "now place much more emphasis."
"students constantly have to deal with the daily grind" -> "students are consistently required to manage the daily rigors"
Explanation: "are consistently required to manage the daily rigors" is more formal and precise than "constantly have to deal with the daily grind," which is colloquial.
"synonymous with a paucity of time" -> "equates to a scarcity of time"
Explanation: "equates to a scarcity of time" is more formal and precise than "synonymous with a paucity of time."
"to survive in the ever-growing world" -> "to thrive in the increasingly competitive global landscape"
Explanation: "to thrive in the increasingly competitive global landscape" is more specific and academically appropriate, emphasizing the nature of global competition.
"society attaches greater importance to scholastic accomplishments" -> "societal values increasingly prioritize academic achievements"
Explanation: "societal values increasingly prioritize academic achievements" is more formal and provides a clearer depiction of societal trends.
"to name but a few" -> "among other consequences"
Explanation: "among other consequences" is more formal and academically suitable than the colloquial "to name but a few."
"the youth fail to engage in activities" -> "young individuals often fail to participate in such activities"
Explanation: "young individuals often fail to participate in such activities" is more precise and formal, avoiding the generalization implied by "the youth."
"previous generations bore the brunt of war" -> "preceding generations endured the hardships of war"
Explanation: "endured the hardships of war" is more formal and precise than "bore the brunt of war."
"parents were also victims of war." -> "parents, too, were adversely affected by the ramifications of war."
Explanation: "were adversely affected by the ramifications of war" is more formal and comprehensive than "were also victims of war," providing a clearer understanding of the impact.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by presenting both sides of the argument and offering a nuanced perspective. It acknowledges the contention regarding the time allocated for play among children compared to previous generations and expresses partial agreement with this statement. However, the explanation could be more comprehensive. While it mentions the increased emphasis on education and resulting academic pressure, it could delve deeper into the specific aspects of playtime reduction.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, provide a more detailed analysis of how modern educational demands impact children’s leisure time. Additionally, consider exploring the nuances of parental influence and societal expectations on children’s play habits.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, indicating partial agreement with the notion that children have less time for play compared to previous generations. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing consistency in the argumentation.
- How to improve: To further improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph reinforces the chosen position and avoids ambiguity. Strengthen the transitions between paragraphs to enhance the coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas regarding the factors influencing children’s playtime, such as increased academic pressure and historical contexts like war. However, some ideas lack elaboration and specific examples to bolster the argument. For instance, while mentioning the impact of academic competitiveness on leisure activities, specific instances or studies could enhance the depth of discussion.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas, incorporate relevant examples, statistics, or anecdotes to substantiate claims. This will add credibility to the arguments and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the factors contributing to the perceived reduction in children’s playtime. However, there are moments where the focus slightly deviates, such as the brief mention of parental experiences during war. While this adds context, it could be more tightly connected to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points contribute directly to addressing the prompt. If introducing tangential topics, explicitly connect them to the central argument to avoid distracting from the main discussion.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a position on the topic and discusses relevant factors, there is room for improvement in providing deeper analysis, supporting ideas with evidence, and maintaining strict relevance to the prompt. Strengthening these aspects can enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that presents the writer’s position, followed by two body paragraphs that provide supporting arguments. However, the transition between the paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing the current generation to the previous generation feels abrupt. Additionally, the conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points discussed in the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transition phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. Ensure that the conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments presented in the essay without introducing new information.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but there are areas for improvement in paragraph structure and coherence. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea, but some paragraphs in the essay cover multiple ideas, which can make the text less organized and cohesive. For example, the second paragraph discusses both the impact of education on children’s time and the societal emphasis on scholastic achievements.
- How to improve: Try to limit each paragraph to one main idea or argument. Begin each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main point, and ensure that all sentences in the paragraph support that main point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "to begin with," "secondly," "on the flip side," "in conclusion") and pronouns (e.g., "this," "such"), to connect ideas and create coherence. However, some of these devices are overused or not used effectively. For instance, the phrase "to be more specific" is unnecessary and does not add to the coherence of the text.
- How to improve: Use cohesive devices judiciously and ensure that they are used appropriately to enhance the flow of ideas. Instead of relying heavily on transitional phrases, focus on creating clear and logical connections between sentences and paragraphs.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some organization and coherence, there is room for improvement in terms of paragraph structure, logical flow, and the effective use of cohesive devices. To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on developing a clearer and more focused structure, using cohesive devices more effectively, and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. For instance, terms like "legitimate concerns," "paucity of time," "scholastic accomplishments," and "fulfilling development" enrich the essay’s lexical variety. Additionally, the use of phrases like "daily grind" and "bearing the brunt" adds depth to the discussion.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more nuanced vocabulary that precisely conveys the intended meaning. For example, instead of using "stress alleviation," one could employ "stress mitigation" for a slightly different shade of meaning. Moreover, expanding the range of academic vocabulary could elevate the sophistication of the argument.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "legitimate concerns" is aptly used, but there are opportunities to replace vague expressions like "busy lifestyles" with more precise terms such as "hectic schedules" or "demanding routines."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive to select words or phrases that precisely capture the intended meaning. Avoid generalizations where more specific terms could convey the message more accurately. For example, instead of "time for entertainment," consider using "time for recreational pursuits" to better encapsulate the idea.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, such as "curriculars" (which should be "curricula") and "apportioned" (which should be "allocated").
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it’s beneficial to proofread the essay thoroughly, paying close attention to commonly misspelled words and ensuring consistency in spelling conventions. Additionally, utilizing spell-checking tools can help identify and rectify errors before final submission. Developing a habit of revising written work meticulously can significantly improve spelling precision over time.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of vocabulary and language usage, contributing to its coherent and well-structured argumentation. By refining precision and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy, the essay could further elevate its lexical resource and enhance overall clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and relative clauses. For example, the essay employs complex structures like "some argue that… others think in contrast" and "to survive in the ever-growing world, society attaches greater importance to scholastic accomplishments." Additionally, relative clauses are used effectively, as seen in "such inclination towards education gives rise to competitiveness." However, there is some repetition in the sentence structures throughout the essay, which slightly limits its variety.
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s effectiveness, strive to introduce more varied sentence structures, such as inversion, conditional sentences, or passive constructions. This could entail experimenting with different sentence beginnings and lengths to maintain reader engagement and demonstrate a higher level of linguistic proficiency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, in the sentence "as schools, even in rural areas, now place much more emphasis on education, the curriculum is also altered accordingly," a comma splice occurs after "education," where a semicolon or period would be more appropriate. Additionally, there are minor errors in subject-verb agreement, such as in "students constantly have to deal with the daily grind of heavy workload," where "workload" should be "workloads."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Reviewing and editing your writing for punctuation errors, particularly comma splices and run-on sentences, can further enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct any overlooked errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation conventions, there is room for refinement in terms of sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy. By incorporating diverse sentence structures and meticulously editing for grammatical precision, you can elevate the sophistication and clarity of your writing to achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, legitimate concerns have emerged regarding the time allocated for relaxation and stress alleviation among youngsters. Some individuals contend that children nowadays do not have as much time for entertainment as the previous generation did, while others hold a contrasting viewpoint. From my perspective, I partially concur with the statement.

To commence, children in the contemporary era are subjected to busy lifestyles. Educational institutions, including those in rural areas, currently place significant emphasis on academic pursuits, resulting in an altered curriculum. As a consequence, students are consistently required to manage the daily rigors of heavy workload both in class and at home. This equates to a scarcity of time for recreational activities, unlike the preceding generation when curricular demands were less stressful.

Additionally, societal values increasingly prioritize academic achievements, leading to heightened competitiveness among students. This inclination towards education often results in stress and lethargy, among other consequences, further reducing the time available for leisure activities. Consequently, young individuals often fail to participate in such activities, prioritizing academic success over relaxation.

However, it is important to note that this situation is not universal. Preceding generations endured the hardships of war, which adversely affected their childhood development. Parents, too, were adversely affected by the ramifications of war, leading to a lack of time for recreational activities. Therefore, while contemporary children may face academic pressures limiting their playtime, previous generations also experienced constraints on their leisure time due to external factors such as war.

In conclusion, I partially agree that youngsters today have less time allocated to playing compared to past generations. While academic pressures contribute to this phenomenon, it is essential to recognize that historical contexts also played a role in shaping the leisure time available to children.