Children watch too much TV nowadays and this is bad for their education and development. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

It is often said that the junior generation has been allowed to watch many programmes on TV. Thus, "this action is extremely detrimental to awareness and improvement of youngs", some people assumed. With this circumstance, I partly agree to the statement as well as explaining why I approve of one aspect in that saying.
In terms of expanding a wealth of insight and information, taking a look at several educational clips is a core value to support the pupils. According to surveys, the vast majority of students have found and comprehended useful knowledge on computer, television or laptop, so on. In our cutting-edge century, possessing a TV for our own family is really simple, however, the tremendous potential of various knowledge cannot be deny. For instance, when youths turn on a video on that social media, which talk about nature and extreme phenomenon, they are able to have an intriguing look at these fascinating experience, hence, their brain become gradually wider.
On the other hand, browsing the lists of films on TV and appreciating them over the time allowed tend to attack remarkably our visual centre. When youngs put their eyes on the screen too long, both of them are possible to be utterly influenced by the rays spreading from those social vehicles. This affects directly to our health and appears a disease making people no longer use their eyes, called blindness. To illustrate more about this point, I was used to making friend with a Japanese who was facing with this issue. He couldn't see the marvelous life in light of the inaction of his visualness and also, the attempts of his parents were not responded deservingly accompanied by their anticlimax in front of this dangerous illness.
To summarize, watching TV is increasingly prevalent because of the dramatic advance of technological devices nowadays. We cannot deny the convenience regarding studying and experiences, nonetheless, concentrating for a long time on them, especially television, will cause lots of sicknesses belonging the visual field. Therefore, pupils have to balance between the to watch films and unwind as if the separation of them is clear, students will improve entirely the self.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the junior generation" -> "the younger generation"
Explanation: "Junior" is not typically used to refer to a generation, and "younger" is more precise and commonly accepted in academic contexts.
"many programmes on TV" -> "numerous television programs"
Explanation: "Programmes" is British English, whereas "programs" is American English; for consistency and clarity, "television programs" is preferred. "Numerous" is more formal than "many."
"this action is extremely detrimental" -> "this practice is highly detrimental"
Explanation: "Practice" is a more specific term than "action," which is too general and vague in this context.
"youngs" -> "young people"
Explanation: "Youngs" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Young people" is the correct and formal expression.
"I partly agree to the statement" -> "I partially agree with the statement"
Explanation: "Partly" is more commonly used in formal writing than "partially," and "agree with" is grammatically correct compared to "agree to."
"expanding a wealth of insight and information" -> "gaining a wealth of insights and information"
Explanation: "Gaining" is more precise and appropriate in this context than "expanding," which implies growth rather than acquisition.
"taking a look at" -> "viewing"
Explanation: "Viewing" is more formal and precise than the colloquial "taking a look at."
"comprehended useful knowledge" -> "acquired useful knowledge"
Explanation: "Acquired" is more specific and appropriate in the context of learning than "comprehended," which can imply understanding rather than acquisition.
"cannot be deny" -> "cannot be denied"
Explanation: "Cannot be denied" is the correct grammatical structure, correcting the verb form to match the subject-verb agreement.
"their brain become gradually wider" -> "their brains become gradually more informed"
Explanation: "Brains" should be plural to match the subject, and "more informed" is a more precise description than "wider," which is metaphorically incorrect.
"browsing the lists of films on TV and appreciating them over the time allowed" -> "viewing television programs over extended periods"
Explanation: "Viewing television programs" is more formal and specific than "browsing the lists of films," and "over extended periods" is clearer than "over the time allowed."
"attack remarkably our visual centre" -> "significantly affect our visual centers"
Explanation: "Affect" is the correct verb for describing the impact on the visual centers, and "significantly" is more formal than "remarkably."
"youngs" -> "young people"
Explanation: As mentioned earlier, "youngs" is grammatically incorrect and informal; "young people" is the correct form.
"making people no longer use their eyes" -> "resulting in a loss of vision"
Explanation: "Resulting in a loss of vision" is a more precise and formal way to describe the consequence of prolonged screen use.
"the attempts of his parents were not responded deservingly" -> "the efforts of his parents were not adequately responded to"
Explanation: "Efforts" is more specific than "attempts," and "adequately responded to" is grammatically correct and more formal than "responded deservingly."
"concentrating for a long time on them, especially television" -> "focusing for extended periods on television"
Explanation: "Focusing for extended periods" is more formal and precise than "concentrating for a long time."
"will cause lots of sicknesses belonging the visual field" -> "may cause numerous visual health issues"
Explanation: "May cause numerous visual health issues" is more precise and formal than "will cause lots of sicknesses belonging the visual field," which is awkward and grammatically incorrect.
"to watch films and unwind" -> "to watch films and relax"
Explanation: "Relax" is a more commonly used and appropriate term in formal writing than "unwind," which is less formal and slightly archaic.
"the separation of them is clear" -> "the distinction between these activities is clear"
Explanation: "The distinction between these activities" is more specific and formal than "the separation of them," which is vague and informal.
"students will improve entirely the self" -> "students will improve themselves entirely"
Explanation: "Improve themselves entirely" is grammatically correct and more formal than "improve entirely the self," which is awkward and incorrect.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the positive and negative impacts of television on children’s education and development. The author states a partial agreement with the assertion that watching too much TV is detrimental. However, the exploration of the negative aspects is more pronounced than the positive, which may lead to an unbalanced response. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the educational benefits of TV, but the second body paragraph focuses heavily on the health risks without adequately linking these points back to the educational context.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should ensure that both sides of the argument are explored more evenly. The author could include more examples of how educational programming can enhance learning and development, perhaps by discussing specific programs or types of content that have been beneficial. Additionally, a clearer connection between the negative impacts and educational outcomes would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position of partial agreement, but this stance could be clearer. Phrases like "I partly agree" indicate a nuanced view, yet the essay sometimes wavers in its focus, particularly in the conclusion where it states that "students will improve entirely the self," which is vague and does not reinforce the main argument effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently refer back to their stance throughout the essay. Using clear topic sentences that reflect the position in each paragraph can help. Additionally, the conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points and restate the position in a more definitive manner, reinforcing the argument made throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the benefits of educational programming and the health risks associated with excessive TV watching. However, these ideas are not always well-developed. For example, the discussion about the Japanese friend lacks depth and does not effectively illustrate the point about health risks. The use of surveys is mentioned but not elaborated upon, leaving the reader wanting more substantial evidence.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should provide more detailed examples and explanations. This could include citing specific educational programs that have proven beneficial or discussing research findings related to the impact of screen time on health. Additionally, using a variety of supporting evidence, such as statistics or expert opinions, would strengthen the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of TV watching on education and development. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the anecdote about the Japanese friend, which feels somewhat tangential and does not directly relate to the educational aspect of the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all examples and anecdotes directly support the main argument. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall thesis. Avoiding unrelated personal stories or tangential points will help keep the essay tightly focused on the prompt.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides of the argument, clearer articulation of the position, more developed examples, and tighter adherence to the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the organization of ideas within paragraphs can be improved. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of educational TV, but the transition to the second body paragraph, which addresses the negative impacts, feels abrupt. The ideas are somewhat related but lack a clear logical progression. The use of phrases like "On the other hand" helps signal a contrast, but the connection between the two points could be more explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, transitional phrases that summarize the previous point before introducing the next can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. For example, after discussing the benefits of educational content, you could add a sentence like, "Despite these advantages, excessive viewing can lead to significant health issues."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be broken down into clearer sub-points. The second body paragraph, while discussing the negative effects, could also benefit from clearer separation of ideas regarding health impacts and personal anecdotes.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea supported by evidence or examples. Consider starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and ensuring that all subsequent sentences relate directly to that main idea. This will help maintain focus and clarity. For example, in the second body paragraph, you could first discuss the health impacts before introducing the anecdote, making it clearer how the personal story relates to the broader argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand" and "To illustrate more about this point," which help connect ideas. However, the range and effectiveness of these devices are somewhat limited. Some sentences feel disjointed due to a lack of varied cohesive devices, which can make the text feel repetitive or less fluid. For instance, the phrase "this affects directly to our health" could be better connected to the preceding sentence for smoother reading.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Consequently," to show relationships between ideas. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "television," you could use "it" or "this medium" in subsequent references to maintain flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on the logical organization of ideas, refining paragraph structure, and enhancing the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "detrimental," "insight," "cutting-edge," and "marvelous." However, the range is somewhat limited and occasionally repetitive. For example, the phrase "youngs" is used multiple times, which is not standard English and detracts from the overall vocabulary range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. Instead of repeating "youngs," consider using "youth," "children," or "young people." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "cognitive development," "screen time," or "educational content," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the tremendous potential of various knowledge cannot be deny," where "deny" should be "denied." The phrase "the lists of films on TV and appreciating them over the time allowed" is also vague and could be more clearly articulated. The term "social vehicles" is confusing and does not accurately convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, instead of "social vehicles," consider "media platforms" or "television programs." Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will also help in using vocabulary more precisely.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "youngs" (should be "young"), "deservingly" (should be "deservedly"), and "visualness" (should be "vision"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or flashcards. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spell-check tools can help catch errors before submission. Reading more extensively can also improve spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using vocabulary, it falls short in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and improving spelling through practice and proofreading, the writer can aim for a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "In terms of expanding a wealth of insight and information, taking a look at several educational clips is a core value to support the pupils" uses a complex structure effectively. However, many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "this action is extremely detrimental to awareness and improvement of youngs," which lacks clarity and proper structure. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the tremendous potential of various knowledge cannot be deny" indicates a lack of grammatical accuracy and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more varied sentence types, including conditional sentences and relative clauses. For example, instead of saying "When youngs put their eyes on the screen too long," they could say, "If children spend excessive time watching TV, they may suffer from health issues." Engaging in exercises that focus on combining sentences and using different clauses can help diversify sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "the tremendous potential of various knowledge cannot be deny" should be "cannot be denied." Additionally, the use of "youngs" is incorrect; the appropriate term is "young people" or "youth." Punctuation is also inconsistent, with missing commas that could clarify meaning, such as in "the attempts of his parents were not responded deservingly accompanied by their anticlimax in front of this dangerous illness," which is convoluted and difficult to follow.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly focusing on verb forms and subject-verb agreement. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. For punctuation, the writer should study the rules for comma usage and practice writing sentences that require punctuation for clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation in context.

In summary, while the essay shows some understanding of the topic and attempts to use a variety of structures, significant grammatical errors and awkward phrasing hinder its effectiveness. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is often said that the younger generation has been allowed to watch numerous television programs. Consequently, some people assert that this practice is highly detrimental to the education and development of young people. In this context, I partially agree with the statement and will explain my perspective on both sides of the argument.

In terms of gaining a wealth of insights and information, viewing several educational clips can be a valuable resource for students. According to surveys, a significant number of students have acquired useful knowledge from computers, televisions, and laptops. In our modern era, having a TV in the household is quite common; however, the tremendous potential for learning cannot be denied. For instance, when young people watch videos on social media that discuss nature and extreme phenomena, they gain an intriguing perspective on these fascinating experiences, thereby expanding their understanding.

On the other hand, viewing television programs over extended periods can significantly affect our visual centers. When young people focus on the screen for too long, they may be adversely impacted by the rays emitted from these devices. This can directly affect their health and lead to serious visual health issues, including a loss of vision. To illustrate this point further, I once befriended a Japanese individual who faced this problem. He could not appreciate the beauty of life due to the deterioration of his eyesight, and unfortunately, the efforts of his parents were not adequately responded to, resulting in a tragic outcome.

To summarize, watching television is increasingly prevalent due to the dramatic advancement of technological devices today. While we cannot deny the convenience and educational benefits it offers, focusing for extended periods on television may cause numerous visual health issues. Therefore, students must strike a balance between watching films to relax and engaging in educational content, as the distinction between these activities is clear. By doing so, they will improve themselves entirely.