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Competitiveness is seen as a positive quality for people to have in many societies today. How does this competitiveness affect individuals? Is it a positive or negative quality?

Competitiveness is seen as a positive quality for people to have in many societies today. How does this competitiveness affect individuals? Is it a positive or negative quality?

In the contemporary world, there is a belief that competitiveness has become a prevalent and publicly recognized phenomenon. While this trend is disadvantageous in a few aspects, there are more compelling reasons to believe that its benefits significantly outweight the shortcomings.

It is obviously seen that some evident downsides arise from competitive characteristics concerning mental health and the bond of social relationships. First of all, excessive competitiveness often leads to heightened stress and anxiety, as individuals constantly compare themselves to others, resulting in compromised mental well-being. For instance, a study conducted by Ton Duc Thang University revealed that individuals engaging in cutthroat competition exhibited significantly higher levels of stress-related ailments, affecting their overall mental health. Furthermore, intense competition in workplaces often fosters hostility among colleagues, hindering collaboration and fostering a toxic environment.

Nevertheless, the merits associated with this phenomenon far outweigh the drawbacks, particularly in terms of personal growth. To begin with, competitive people always strive to be better than other people and they usually persevere and stay extensive focus on their tasks. For instance, in educational settings, competition among students stimulates a drive for continuous improvement and non-stop hard study, leading to enhanced learning outcomes. In addition, many competitive people are often competing against themselves and always putting themselves in a state of persistence and commitment to achieve their goals.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the disadvantageous sides of competitiveness, the benefits of this personality far surpass the limitations. Nonetheless, the competition should be within reasonable levels and bring positivity to people.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "outweight" -> "outweigh"
    Explanation: The correct term is "outweigh," which is the appropriate usage in formal language. "Outweight" is an incorrect form.

  2. "It is obviously seen" -> "It is evident"
    Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal and concise expression compared to "It is obviously seen," aligning with academic writing principles.

  3. "downsides" -> "drawbacks"
    Explanation: "Drawbacks" is a more formal term than "downsides," fitting better with the academic style. It conveys a sense of negative aspects in a more sophisticated manner.

  4. "concerning" -> "regarding"
    Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal and precise term than "concerning" in academic writing, enhancing the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  5. "First of all" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: "Firstly" is a more formal transition word, adding a higher degree of formality to the essay compared to the colloquial "First of all."

  6. "cutthroat competition" -> "intense competition"
    Explanation: "Intense competition" is a more academically appropriate term than "cutthroat competition," maintaining a formal tone while conveying the same meaning.

  7. "fosters hostility" -> "engenders hostility"
    Explanation: "Engenders hostility" is a more formal and precise phrase than "fosters hostility," contributing to the academic tone of the essay.

  8. "non-stop hard study" -> "continuous rigorous study"
    Explanation: "Continuous rigorous study" is a more formal and precise expression than "non-stop hard study," aligning with the academic style and conveying the idea more effectively.

  9. "competitive people" -> "individuals with a competitive nature"
    Explanation: "Individuals with a competitive nature" is a more formal and descriptive term than "competitive people," enhancing the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  10. "far surpass" -> "far outweigh"
    Explanation: "Far outweigh" is a more accurate and formal term in the context of comparing benefits and limitations, aligning with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "In the contemporary world, there is a belief that competitiveness has become a prevalent and publicly recognized phenomenon. While this trend is disadvantageous in a few aspects, there are more compelling reasons to believe that its benefits significantly outweigh the shortcomings."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction sets the stage for a balanced discussion, but it lacks a clear and concise thesis statement that outlines the writer’s position on whether competitiveness is ultimately positive or negative. A more explicit stance in the introduction would enhance the overall clarity of your essay.
    • Improved example: "In today’s world, competitiveness is widely acknowledged, and opinions on its impact vary. While some perceive it as detrimental, I contend that its advantages far surpass the disadvantages."
  2. Quoted text: "First of all, excessive competitiveness often leads to heightened stress and anxiety, as individuals constantly compare themselves to others, resulting in compromised mental well-being. For instance, a study conducted by Ton Duc Thang University revealed that individuals engaging in cutthroat competition exhibited significantly higher levels of stress-related ailments, affecting their overall mental health. Furthermore, intense competition in workplaces often fosters hostility among colleagues, hindering collaboration and fostering a toxic environment."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your argument against competitiveness focuses on negative outcomes such as stress and workplace hostility. However, to strengthen your case, you could incorporate a broader range of examples and reasons. For instance, consider personal anecdotes or observations to illustrate the negative impact of competitiveness on mental health and teamwork.
    • Improved example: "Excessive competitiveness not only leads to heightened stress but also hampers the collaborative spirit within workplaces. For instance, personal experiences reveal that constant comparison in a competitive environment contributes to anxiety and adversely affects mental well-being. Moreover, the relentless pursuit of individual success can create a toxic atmosphere, hindering effective collaboration among colleagues."
  3. Quoted text: "Nevertheless, the merits associated with this phenomenon far outweigh the drawbacks, particularly in terms of personal growth."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you acknowledge the drawbacks, it would be beneficial to provide more depth and variety in your exploration of the benefits of competitiveness for personal growth. Offer additional reasons and examples to further support your claim.
    • Improved example: "However, the merits associated with this phenomenon far outweigh the drawbacks, particularly in terms of personal growth. Competitive individuals often exhibit resilience and determination in the face of challenges. For instance, my personal experience of participating in a competitive sports event taught me the value of perseverance and continuous improvement, contributing significantly to my personal growth."

Overall, the essay adequately addresses the task but could benefit from a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction and a more diversified exploration of the benefits and drawbacks of competitiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, contributing to the overall coherence. Paragraphing is appropriate, and there is a clear central topic within each paragraph. The essay acknowledges both advantages and disadvantages of competitiveness, providing examples and supporting details. The overall structure aids in conveying a cohesive argument.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider reinforcing the connection between ideas within and between sentences. While the essay is generally well-organized, paying attention to the flow of thought and ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs could elevate the overall coherence. Additionally, strive for a more varied and precise use of cohesive devices to refine the essay’s structural integrity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, showcasing some less common lexical items. There’s a reasonable flexibility and precision in word choice, allowing for a coherent and nuanced discussion. The essay employs vocabulary that pertains well to the topic, addressing the nuances of competitiveness, mental health implications, and workplace dynamics. Some minor errors and inaccuracies in word choice and collocation slightly affect the overall fluency and precision, but they don’t significantly impede understanding. There’s a balance in the use of vocabulary that shows awareness of style and collocation.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource further, focus on refining the usage of less common lexical items to ensure greater accuracy. Pay attention to collocation to make the expression more idiomatic and natural. Continuously expanding the range of vocabulary by exploring synonyms and more diverse expressions related to the topic would also contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use a variety of complex structures, aiding in conveying ideas effectively. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are occasional errors and instances where sentence structure could be refined for greater clarity. The essay generally maintains coherence and clarity in presenting ideas.

How to improve:
To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, consider refining the sentence structures by ensuring consistent use of complex structures. Review the essay for occasional errors and strive for more precision in conveying ideas through refined grammar and punctuation. Additionally, aim for a more seamless integration of complex sentences to elevate the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, there is a prevailing belief that competitiveness has become a widely recognized phenomenon. While this trend has some disadvantages, there are more compelling reasons to believe that its benefits significantly outweigh the shortcomings.

It is evident that some downsides arise from competitive characteristics, particularly concerning mental health and social relationships. Excessive competitiveness often leads to heightened stress and anxiety, as individuals constantly compare themselves to others, compromising their mental well-being. For example, a study conducted by Ton Duc Thang University revealed that individuals engaging in cutthroat competition exhibited significantly higher levels of stress-related ailments, impacting their overall mental health. Furthermore, intense competition in workplaces often fosters hostility among colleagues, hindering collaboration and creating a toxic environment.

Nevertheless, the merits associated with this phenomenon far outweigh the drawbacks, particularly in terms of personal growth. Competitive individuals consistently strive to outperform others, displaying perseverance and extensive focus on their tasks. For instance, in educational settings, competition among students stimulates a drive for continuous improvement and non-stop hard study, leading to enhanced learning outcomes. Additionally, many competitive individuals often compete against themselves, maintaining a state of persistence and commitment to achieve their goals.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the disadvantageous aspects of competitiveness, the benefits of this trait far surpass the limitations. However, it is essential to ensure that competition remains within reasonable levels and brings positivity to people.

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