Competitiveness is seen as a positive quality for people to have in many societies today. How does this competitiveness affect individuals? Is it a positive or negative quality?

Competitiveness is seen as a positive quality for people to have in many societies today.
How does this competitiveness affect individuals?
Is it a positive or negative quality?

In today's contemporary society, a great sense of rivalry is widely deemed as a vitally important quality that people should possess in order to be successful in life. This essay delves into the impact of this trait on each individual and provides rationales behind my opinion that this is an overall positive quality.

Evidently, the effect of competitiveness is indubitably profound and can be witnessed in virtually every age group. In fact, such a trait usually serves as a motivating factor for people to strive harder towards achieving their goals. In an educational setting, for example, the desire to surpass other students can spur one to study more conscientiously and drop his or her bad habits, such as playing games, to save more time for self-studying. This, in turn, is likely to help that student to achieve academic success, be it a high score in examinations or the admission to a prestigious college. Similarly, in the workplace, a competitive employee is more likely to put in great effort to beat their colleagues in terms of productivity, thus generating more profits for the company, and eventually being given a higher chance of climbing up the career ladder.

Given the aforementioned arguments, I would contend that a sense of rivalry is justifiably positive and needed in life. Admittedly, some may argue that when taken to an extreme level, this particular characteristic may lead to overworking and an exhausted mind because of overthinking about competition. In the long run, they believe, this would take a heavy toll on the overall well-being of people, both physically and mentally. While this line of reasoning is sound to a small extent, I doubt if this is the case as most of us have our family and friends who can help us to calm our minds and give us useful pieces of advice in case we are too blinded by our desire to come out on top. Even in the case of those who do not have their loved ones around, they can resort to the help of healthcare facilities, which are largely available to a large portion of people worldwide.

In conclusion, rivalry can act as a key factor in helping people to achieve success, be it academically or professionally. Hence, I firmly hold the belief that such a quality is ultimately positive and crucial.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In today’s contemporary society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: The phrase "today’s contemporary" is redundant as both words convey the notion of the present time. Removing "today’s" simplifies the expression without losing meaning, enhancing the academic tone.
"a great sense of rivalry" -> "a strong sense of competition"
Explanation: While "rivalry" is not incorrect, "competition" is more neutral and academically appropriate, avoiding the potentially negative connotations of "rivalry."
"is widely deemed" -> "is considered"
Explanation: "Deemed" can be replaced with "considered" for a more straightforward and academically formal expression.
"vitally important" -> "crucial"
Explanation: "Vitally important" is somewhat informal and can be simplified to "crucial" for a more direct and academic tone.
"delves into" -> "explores"
Explanation: "Delves into" is slightly informal for academic writing. "Explores" is a more appropriate term that maintains an academic tone.
"the effect of competitiveness is indubitably profound" -> "the impact of competitiveness is undoubtedly significant"
Explanation: "Indubitably" is less commonly used in academic writing compared to "undoubtedly." Also, "profound" can be replaced with "significant" for clarity and simplicity.
"drop his or her bad habits" -> "abandon their detrimental habits"
Explanation: "Drop" is too informal for this context, and "his or her" can be replaced with "their" for gender neutrality. "Detrimental habits" is more precise and formal than "bad habits."
"playing games" -> "engaging in gaming activities"
Explanation: "Playing games" is informal and vague. "Engaging in gaming activities" is more specific and academically appropriate.
"to save more time for self-studying" -> "to allocate more time for independent study"
Explanation: "To save more time" is informal and "self-studying" can be replaced with "independent study" for a more formal expression.
"beat their colleagues in terms of productivity" -> "surpass their colleagues in productivity"
Explanation: "Beat" is too informal and competitive in a negative sense. "Surpass" is more neutral and suitable for an academic context.
"climbing up the career ladder" -> "advancing in their career"
Explanation: "Climbing up the career ladder" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Advancing in their career" is a more formal and clear expression.
"justifiably positive and needed" -> "justifiably beneficial and necessary"
Explanation: "Positive and needed" is somewhat informal and vague. "Beneficial and necessary" provides a more precise and formal alternative.
"overworking and an exhausted mind" -> "overexertion and mental exhaustion"
Explanation: "Overworking" and "an exhausted mind" are informal and can be replaced with "overexertion" and "mental exhaustion" for more precise and academic terminology.
"take a heavy toll on" -> "have a significant impact on"
Explanation: "Take a heavy toll on" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Have a significant impact on" is more formal and clear.
"useful pieces of advice" -> "valuable advice"
Explanation: "Pieces of" is unnecessary and makes the phrase clunky. "Valuable advice" is more concise and maintains an academic tone.
"resort to the help of healthcare facilities" -> "seek assistance from healthcare facilities"
Explanation: "Resort to the help of" is awkward and informal. "Seek assistance from" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses how competitiveness impacts individuals, providing examples in educational and professional contexts. Additionally, it offers an opinion on whether competitiveness is positive or negative.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately covers all parts of the question, to enhance comprehensiveness, consider exploring potential drawbacks of competitiveness in more depth, acknowledging opposing viewpoints, and providing counterarguments.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, arguing that competitiveness is ultimately a positive quality.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensure that every paragraph reinforces the central stance, using transitions and topic sentences to guide the reader through the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas with relevant examples and logical reasoning. It elaborates on how competitiveness motivates individuals in both educational and professional settings and supports its stance with plausible arguments.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, consider providing additional examples or empirical evidence to further substantiate claims and deepen the analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the impact of competitiveness on individuals and evaluating its positivity or negativity.
- How to improve: Maintain focus by ensuring that every point made directly relates to the effects of competitiveness on individuals, avoiding tangential discussions that detract from the main argument.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively presenting arguments and providing relevant examples to support its stance. To further improve, deepen the analysis by considering alternative perspectives and bolstering support with additional evidence. Additionally, maintain clarity and focus throughout the essay to enhance coherence and strengthen the overall argumentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the argument, such as the impact of competitiveness in education and the workplace, and provides supporting examples to illustrate the points made.
- How to improve: While the overall organization is effective, there could be a stronger connection between the body paragraphs. Consider using transition phrases or topic sentences that explicitly link each paragraph to the main argument and emphasize the progression of ideas throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and arguments. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. The paragraphs are well-structured and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph cohesion further, ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one and maintains a clear focus on the main argument. Avoid introducing new ideas or topics that may disrupt the flow of the essay within individual paragraphs.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "in fact," "similarly," and "in conclusion," which help to signal shifts between different arguments and sections of the essay. Additionally, pronouns such as "this" and "these" are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts and maintain continuity.
- How to improve: While the essay does utilize cohesive devices adequately, incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases could further enhance coherence. Experiment with alternatives to commonly used transitions to add variety and sophistication to the essay’s structure. Additionally, pay close attention to the consistency of pronoun usage to avoid ambiguity and ensure clarity in referring to specific ideas or examples.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, effectively organizing ideas and utilizing cohesive devices to maintain logical flow. By strengthening the connections between paragraphs and expanding the repertoire of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied terms such as "contemporary society," "vitally important," "indubitably profound," "conscientiously," "prestigious," "productivity," "climbing up the career ladder," and more. These words contribute to the essay’s overall coherence and richness.
- How to improve: While the essay showcases a good range of vocabulary, integrating more specialized or nuanced terms related to the topic could enhance lexical diversity further. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "competitive," consider synonyms like "ambitious," "driven," or "goal-oriented" where appropriate. Additionally, incorporating domain-specific vocabulary related to psychology, sociology, or economics could deepen the analysis.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. For instance, phrases like "a sense of rivalry" and "competitive employee" are used accurately to convey specific meanings. However, there are instances where slightly more precise word choices could strengthen clarity and impact. For example, instead of "sense of rivalry," using terms like "competitive drive" or "competitive spirit" could provide sharper focus.
- How to improve: Paying closer attention to selecting the most fitting terms for conveying nuanced meanings can enhance precision. Consult a thesaurus or engage in targeted vocabulary practice to develop a repertoire of precise vocabulary for expressing ideas with clarity and accuracy.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors detracting from readability. However, there are minor instances of misspellings or typographical errors, such as "rationales" (should be "reasoning") and "justifiably" (may be intended as "justifiable"). These errors do not significantly impede comprehension but indicate areas for improvement.
- How to improve: Implementing proofreading techniques, such as reading the essay aloud or using spelling and grammar checkers, can help catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through targeted exercises or vocabulary drills can reinforce accurate spelling habits for future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. It includes complex sentences ("In today’s contemporary society, a great sense of rivalry is widely deemed as a vitally important quality that people should possess in order to be successful in life") as well as compound sentences ("Similarly, in the workplace, a competitive employee is more likely to put in great effort to beat their colleagues in terms of productivity, thus generating more profits for the company, and eventually being given a higher chance of climbing up the career ladder"). These structures are generally well-constructed and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety of structures, consider incorporating more conditional sentences, passive constructions, and inverted sentences where appropriate. This can add depth and sophistication to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, such as in the sentence "This, in turn, is likely to help that student to achieve academic success, be it a high score in examinations or the admission to a prestigious college." Here, the phrase "be it" should be followed by "through" rather than "to" ("be it through a high score…"). Additionally, the sentence "Even in the case of those who do not have their loved ones around, they can resort to the help of healthcare facilities, which are largely available to a large portion of people worldwide." is slightly awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the proper use of articles and prepositions. Also, review complex sentence structures to ensure they are clear and correctly punctuated.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of language with minor grammatical errors. To improve, focus on diversifying your sentence structures further and refining your grammar and punctuation skills. Keep practicing to enhance your writing fluency and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, a strong sense of competition is considered crucial for success. This essay explores the impact of competitiveness, which is undoubtedly significant, on individuals and argues that it is a positive quality overall.

Evidently, the effect of competitiveness is profound and can be witnessed across different age groups. This trait often serves as a motivating factor for individuals to strive harder towards their goals. For instance, in an educational setting, the desire to surpass peers can motivate students to study more diligently and abandon detrimental habits, such as engaging in gaming activities, to allocate more time for independent study. Consequently, this dedication is likely to lead to academic success, whether it be achieving high exam scores or gaining admission to prestigious institutions. Similarly, in the workplace, competitive employees are inclined to exert greater effort to surpass colleagues in productivity, thereby contributing to increased company profits and advancing in their careers.

Given these arguments, it can be argued that a sense of rivalry is justifiably beneficial and necessary in life. While some may argue that excessive competitiveness can result in overexertion and mental exhaustion due to relentless focus on outperforming others, I believe this concern is mitigated by the support networks available. Family and friends can offer valuable advice and help individuals maintain balance in their lives, even when consumed by the desire to excel. Moreover, for those without immediate support, seeking assistance from healthcare facilities is an option accessible to many.

In conclusion, competitiveness plays a pivotal role in driving individuals towards success, whether academically or professionally. Therefore, I firmly believe that this quality is ultimately positive and necessary for personal growth and achievement.