Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Computers are regarded to be the most crucial innovations over the last century. While I agree with this statement to some extent, I believe that the emergence of penicillin is equally important.
In the first place, computers are one of the most outstanding inventions over the past 100 years owing to their ability to boost greater productivity. Before the appearance of computers, calculators tend to work slowly when encountering massive calculations. However, thanks to the technological advancement, computers are capable of dealing with these complex calculations with a faster pace. As a consequence, employees could dedicate the freed-up time to skill development and professional growth, which inturn enhances their working performance. For instance, a study by Stanford University found that programmers saved an average of 2 hours per day on working, which they can use for augmenting their professional productivity. This computer-based approach enables white-collar workers to improve labor output by preenting them from spending ample time doing mathematical calculations.
In the second place, the introduction of penicillin is as valuable as computers’ in terms of human aspect. Before the evolution of penicillin, a significant proportion of patients died due to infection inlieu of their original illnesses. With the adoption of this newly-introduced antibiotics, there was a remarkable decline in the infection rates alongside with the death rates. For instance, a research done by John Hopkins University revealed that Allied soliders’ death rates cause by preumonia witnessed a substantial decrease, dropping from around 18% in the first World War to a mere 1% by the second World War. This positive indication later became an indispensable contributor to the success of the Allied side. This medical breakthrough played an important role in reducing the death rates in the mid twentieth century by a reduction observed in the infection rates.
In conclusion, while the most outstanding innovation over the last century is ascribed to computers regarding the business sector, the invention of penicillin is fairly significant in the medical sector.

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Errors and Improvements:

"regarded to be" -> "considered"
Explanation: "Considered" is more direct and academically appropriate than "regarded to be," which is somewhat redundant and less formal.
"to some extent" -> "partially"
Explanation: "Partially" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic context than the more conversational "to some extent."
"boost greater productivity" -> "significantly enhance productivity"
Explanation: "Significantly enhance productivity" is more specific and academically formal, providing a clearer and more impactful statement than "boost greater productivity."
"tend to work slowly" -> "were often slow"
Explanation: "Were often slow" is more concise and formal, improving the sentence’s clarity and academic tone.
"with a faster pace" -> "more rapidly"
Explanation: "More rapidly" is succinct and formal, making it a better choice for academic writing than the less formal "with a faster pace."
"inturn" -> "in turn"
Explanation: "In turn" is the correct spelling and is more formal, improving the academic quality of the text.
"preenting" -> "preventing"
Explanation: This is a spelling correction; "preventing" is the correct form.
"ample time" -> "a considerable amount of time"
Explanation: "A considerable amount of time" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone.
"in terms of human aspect" -> "from a human health perspective"
Explanation: "From a human health perspective" is more specific and academically appropriate, providing clarity and relevance to the discussion on medical advancements.
"inlieu of" -> "instead of"
Explanation: "Instead of" is the correct spelling and more formal, making it suitable for academic writing.
"newly-introduced antibiotics" -> "newly introduced antibiotics"
Explanation: Removing the hyphen from "newly introduced" corrects the grammatical error, as the hyphen is unnecessary in this context.
"cause by preumonia" -> "caused by pneumonia"
Explanation: "Caused by pneumonia" corrects a spelling mistake ("preumonia" to "pneumonia") and uses the correct verb form, enhancing the sentence’s accuracy and formality.
"witnessed a substantial decrease" -> "experienced a substantial decrease"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more formal and academically appropriate than "witnessed" in this context, aligning better with the tone of an academic essay.
"by a reduction observed in" -> "due to a reduction in"
Explanation: "Due to a reduction in" is clearer and more direct, improving the sentence’s flow and academic tone.
"is ascribed to computers regarding the business sector" -> "is attributed to computers in the business sector"
Explanation: "Is attributed to computers in the business sector" is more precise and formal, making it a better choice for an academic context than "is ascribed to computers regarding the business sector."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by expressing agreement with the statement to some extent, acknowledging the importance of computers while also highlighting the significance of penicillin as an equally important innovation.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, ensure that the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt is explicitly stated in the introduction. Additionally, provide a clearer roadmap of how the essay will address both aspects of the prompt throughout the body paragraphs.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by expressing agreement with the statement regarding the importance of computers, while also acknowledging the significance of penicillin.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, maintain consistency in expressing the position throughout each paragraph. Ensure that each supporting point aligns with the stated position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the importance of computers and penicillin adequately. However, the development of these ideas could be enhanced with more specific examples and deeper analysis.
- How to improve: Provide more detailed examples and explanations to support each point. Delve deeper into the implications and consequences of each innovation to demonstrate a thorough understanding.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the importance of computers and penicillin within the context of the prompt. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly away from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central argument. Avoid introducing tangential points that do not contribute directly to the discussion of the prompt.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed support for ideas and maintaining a consistent focus throughout. By incorporating specific examples and maintaining a clear focus on the central argument, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably clear organization of information. It begins with an introduction that presents the writer’s viewpoint and introduces the two main points of discussion: the importance of computers and the significance of penicillin. Each point is then elaborated upon in separate paragraphs, with examples provided to support the arguments. However, there are some instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother, such as the transition between discussing computers and penicillin.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas more seamlessly. For instance, you could use phrases like "Moreover" or "Furthermore" to signal the progression from discussing computers to penicillin. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea of the paragraph.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to organize its content. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, such as the importance of computers or the significance of penicillin. However, some paragraphs could be more clearly structured to improve coherence. For instance, the paragraph discussing the benefits of computers could begin with a clearer topic sentence to guide the reader.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main point or argument of the paragraph. This helps readers understand the purpose of each paragraph from the outset. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph develops its main idea coherently with supporting evidence and examples.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. For example, phrases like "In the first place" and "In the second place" are used to signal the organization of ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices used throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore"), and transitional phrases (e.g., "as a result," "on the other hand"). These devices help to create smoother transitions between ideas and improve overall coherence. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately throughout the essay for maximum effectiveness.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve greater clarity and coherence, leading to a more effective communication of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing various terms such as "innovations," "crucial," "emergence," "technological advancement," "complex calculations," "professional productivity," "evolution," "antibiotics," "remarkable decline," "indispensable," and "mid twentieth century." These lexical choices contribute to a clear and sophisticated expression of ideas.
- How to improve: While the essay already showcases a good range of vocabulary, enhancing variety further could elevate the quality of expression. Consider incorporating more nuanced synonyms and exploring vocabulary related to specific contexts to deepen the analysis. For example, instead of repeatedly using "innovation," explore alternatives like "breakthrough," "advancement," or "development" where appropriate.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, effectively conveying ideas with clarity. For instance, terms like "boost greater productivity," "professional growth," "mathematical calculations," and "death rates" are employed accurately to articulate specific concepts. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as the repetitive use of "invention" and "innovation."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive to avoid repetition and employ a diverse range of vocabulary that precisely captures the intended meaning. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "innovation," consider varying with terms like "technological breakthrough," "revolution," or "milestone." This practice can enrich the essay’s lexical variety and elevate the overall quality of expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with minor errors such as "preenting" (instead of "preventing") and "inlieu" (instead of "in lieu"). While these errors do not significantly detract from comprehension, attention to such details could further enhance the essay’s clarity and professionalism.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques such as spell-checking tools, reviewing written work systematically, and seeking feedback from peers or educators. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises and actively learning from identified errors can reinforce accuracy over time. By prioritizing attention to spelling, the essay can achieve a higher level of linguistic precision and professionalism.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex constructions. For instance, it effectively utilizes compound sentences ("Computers are regarded to be the most crucial innovations over the last century") as well as complex sentences ("Before the evolution of penicillin, a significant proportion of patients died due to infection in lieu of their original illnesses"). Additionally, there’s evidence of sentence variety with the use of participial phrases ("Before the appearance of computers, calculators tend to work slowly when encountering massive calculations") and appositives ("a research done by John Hopkins University"). However, there’s some repetition in structure throughout the essay, which slightly limits the variety.
- How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range, consider integrating more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences or inversion. Additionally, varying sentence openings and lengths can contribute to a more engaging and varied writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are instances of errors throughout the essay that affect clarity and precision. For example, there are minor errors in subject-verb agreement ("computers are capable of dealing with these complex calculations") and article usage ("the freed-up time"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences ("Computers are regarded to be the most crucial innovations over the last century, owing to their ability to boost greater productivity") and inconsistent capitalization ("Allied soliders’ death rates").
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Review the usage of articles (e.g., "a," "an," "the") to ensure they are appropriately placed. Practice using commas effectively in compound sentences to clarify the relationship between ideas. Lastly, ensure consistent capitalization of proper nouns and titles to maintain coherence and professionalism in writing. Additionally, consider proofreading the essay thoroughly to catch any overlooked errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

Computers are considered to be among the most crucial innovations of the past century. While I partially agree with this statement, I believe that the emergence of penicillin is equally significant.

Firstly, computers significantly enhance productivity, which makes them one of the most outstanding inventions of the past 100 years. Before computers, calculators were often slow when dealing with massive calculations. However, with technological advancement, computers can handle complex calculations more rapidly. Consequently, employees can dedicate the time saved to skill development and professional growth, thereby improving their performance at work. For example, a study by Stanford University found that programmers saved an average of 2 hours per day by using computers for calculations, allowing them to enhance their productivity. This computer-based approach prevents white-collar workers from spending excessive time on mathematical tasks.

Secondly, the introduction of penicillin is as valuable as computers in terms of human health. Before the advent of penicillin, a considerable number of patients died from infections rather than their original illnesses. With the introduction of this newly introduced antibiotic, there was a significant decrease in infection rates and associated death rates. For instance, research conducted by John Hopkins University revealed that Allied soldiers’ death rates caused by pneumonia experienced a substantial decrease, dropping from around 18% in the First World War to a mere 1% by the Second World War. This reduction played a crucial role in the success of the Allied side. The invention of penicillin contributed significantly to reducing death rates in the mid-twentieth century by decreasing infection rates.

In conclusion, while computers are attributed to enhancing productivity in the business sector, the invention of penicillin holds considerable importance in the medical sector.