Describe your favorite item

I worked hard as a part-timer at a milk tea shop for months and use savings to buy.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"part-timer" -> "part-time employee"
Explanation: "Part-timer" is a colloquial term often used in informal contexts. "Part-time employee" is a more formal and suitable term for academic writing, conveying the same meaning in a clearer manner.
"use savings to buy" -> "used savings to make a purchase"
Explanation: "Use savings to buy" is grammatically awkward and lacks clarity. "Used savings to make a purchase" provides a clearer and more formal expression of the action, maintaining the appropriate tense and phrasing for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2

Band Score for Task Response: 2 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay fails to adequately address all parts of the prompt. The prompt asks the writer to describe their favorite item, but the essay merely mentions working at a milk tea shop and using savings to buy something without specifying what that item is or why it is their favorite.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that they explicitly describe the item they consider their favorite. They should include details about why it holds significance to them and what attributes or memories make it their favorite.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear position as it does not effectively communicate what the favorite item is or why it holds importance to the writer. The statement about working at a milk tea shop and using savings does not establish a coherent stance or perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and coherence, the writer should clearly state what their favorite item is from the beginning and maintain a consistent focus on describing its significance throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is lacking in the presentation, extension, and support of ideas. It briefly mentions working at a milk tea shop and using savings but provides no elaboration or supporting details to enrich the reader’s understanding.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the writer should provide specific details about the favorite item, such as its characteristics, personal significance, and the reasons behind its selection. Additionally, they should include anecdotes or examples to support their description.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does not effectively stay on topic. While it briefly mentions working at a milk tea shop and purchasing an item, it does not sufficiently describe the favorite item itself or explain why it is favored.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that every aspect of the essay relates directly to describing their favorite item. They should avoid tangential discussions or unrelated details that detract from the main subject.

In summary, to improve the essay and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on explicitly describing their favorite item, providing supporting details and examples, maintaining a clear and consistent stance, and ensuring relevance to the prompt throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear organization and coherence. It begins abruptly with a statement about working at a milk tea shop and using savings to purchase something, without providing any context or development. The progression of ideas is disjointed, leaving the reader confused about the favorite item being described.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should start with an introduction that sets the context for the favorite item to be described. It could include brief background information about the milk tea shop experience and the significance of the item purchased with the savings. Following this, a structured body paragraph or paragraphs can provide detailed descriptions and explanations about the favorite item, using chronological or thematic organization to guide the reader through the narrative.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks proper paragraphing, presenting a single sentence without any clear division or structure. This contributes to the overall lack of coherence and makes it challenging for the reader to follow the essay’s flow.
- How to improve: Breaking the essay into distinct paragraphs can significantly improve its readability and organization. Consider dividing the content into paragraphs based on different aspects of the topic, such as the motivation behind working at the milk tea shop, the process of saving money, and the significance of the purchased item. Each paragraph should focus on a specific idea or aspect, with clear topic sentences and supporting details to enhance coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases or linking words, are almost entirely absent in the essay. As a result, the connections between ideas are weak, and the essay lacks cohesion.
- How to improve: Incorporating a variety of cohesive devices can strengthen the coherence of the essay. These include transitional phrases like "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "In addition," which can signal the progression of ideas. Additionally, pronouns, synonyms, and repetition can be used to maintain consistency and clarify relationships between different parts of the essay. By consciously integrating cohesive devices throughout the essay, the writer can enhance its coherence and guide the reader through the narrative more effectively.

Overall, to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on organizing the information logically, using effective paragraphing techniques, and incorporating a range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow and connectivity of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, primarily relying on basic vocabulary related to employment ("worked," "part-timer") and purchasing ("buy"). There is a lack of variety in vocabulary to effectively convey the richness of describing a favorite item.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more descriptive and varied language related to both the milk tea shop experience and the favorite item itself. For instance, instead of simply stating "worked," you could use terms like "dedicated," "engaged," or "committed." Similarly, instead of "buy," you might employ words such as "acquire," "purchase," or "invest in."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage in the essay is somewhat imprecise. While the main concepts are conveyed, there is room for improvement in selecting more precise and fitting words. For example, the phrase "use savings to buy" could be refined to "utilize savings to acquire," which adds a touch of formality and clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary, carefully consider the specific meaning and connotation of each word used. Aim to choose words that precisely capture the intended meaning and avoid ambiguity. Utilize a thesaurus or reference materials to explore synonyms and select the most appropriate terms for expressing ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no evident spelling errors observed in the provided text.
- How to improve: While spelling accuracy seems satisfactory in this instance, it is advisable to remain vigilant and employ strategies such as proofreading and utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to ensure consistent accuracy in future writing tasks. Additionally, actively expanding your vocabulary can contribute to improved spelling skills, as you become more familiar with the correct spelling of various words.

In summary, while the essay adequately addresses the essay prompt, there is notable room for improvement in expanding the range and precision of vocabulary usage. By incorporating more diverse and precise language, the essay can effectively convey a richer and more engaging description of the favorite item. Additionally, maintaining consistent spelling accuracy through diligent proofreading and practice will further enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in sentence structures. The majority of sentences are simple and lack complexity. For example, "I worked hard as a part-timer at a milk tea shop for months and use savings to buy" is a simple sentence with a straightforward structure. There is a lack of compound or complex sentences, which limits the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and complexity of the essay, incorporating a variety of sentence structures is essential. Introducing compound and complex sentences can add depth and complexity to the writing. For instance, instead of solely using simple sentences, try combining ideas or using subordinate clauses to create more intricate structures. This can elevate the overall quality of the essay and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and lacks proper punctuation. In the sentence, "I worked hard as a part-timer at a milk tea shop for months and use savings to buy," there are several issues. Firstly, the verb tense is inconsistent; "use" should be "used" to maintain agreement with the past tense "worked." Secondly, there is a missing article before "savings"; it should be "my savings." Additionally, there is no punctuation to separate the two clauses in the sentence, leading to a lack of clarity.
- How to improve: Improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills is crucial for enhancing the clarity and coherence of the essay. Reviewing basic grammar rules, such as verb tense consistency and proper article usage, can help address some of the errors observed. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation marks, such as commas and periods, to appropriately separate clauses and ideas will improve readability. Proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct errors before submission is also advisable.

Bài sửa mẫu

I worked diligently as a part-time employee at a milk tea shop for several months, saving up to make a purchase.