Employers should give their staff at least 4 weeks’ holiday every year to make them perform better at their jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences.

Employers should give their staff at least 4 weeks’ holiday every year to make them perform better at their jobs.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences.

In contemporary era, the excessive stress from work has increasingly become a burning issue in many workplaces all over the world. In the hope of mitigating this problem, there is a proposed idea that workers should be eligible for holidays of at least four weeks annually to improve their performance at work. From my perspective, I partly agree with the statement for its role in boosting employees’ productivity and motivation at work despite its potential drawbacks.

To begin with, I acknowledge that extended holidays can bring about potential negative impacts to the development of a company. Specifically, it is undeniable that employees in any department all have their particularly indispensable role in the company’s development. Therefore, if they are allowed extended holidays throughout a year, they can be distracted from their work and lose the link in the whole chain, leading to the decline in the company’s overall performance. However, I believe that holidays of at least four weeks can rather enhance the workers’ productivity and satisfaction. In other words, being permitted to have more extended holidays can give employees an escape from excessive stress from work to spend more time with their family or enjoy their personal life. Besides, prolonged holidays can avoid burnout from overstress, therefore preventing a great number of serious mental health problems such as depression. Moreover, making allowances for extended holidays can also promote workers’ motivation to work harder as a way to afford the next terms of other holidays.

In conclusion, I believe that despite its potential disadvantages, prolonged holidays can help employees to significantly alleviate the stress of work and promote their mental health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In contemporary era" -> "In the contemporary era"
   Explanation: Adding "the" before "contemporary era" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with standard English usage, enhancing the formal tone of the sentence.

2. "the excessive stress from work" -> "the excessive stress caused by work"
   Explanation: Replacing "from" with "caused by" clarifies the causal relationship between work and stress, making the phrase more precise and formal.

3. "In the hope of mitigating this problem" -> "in an effort to mitigate this issue"
   Explanation: "In an effort to mitigate" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the less formal "In the hope of."

4. "there is a proposed idea" -> "there is a proposed solution"
   Explanation: "Solution" is more specific and appropriate in this context, as it directly relates to addressing the problem of excessive work stress.

5. "workers should be eligible for holidays" -> "workers should be entitled to holidays"
   Explanation: "Entitled to" is a more formal and precise term than "eligible for," which is commonly used in legal and policy contexts.

6. "boosting employees’ productivity and motivation" -> "enhancing employees’ productivity and motivation"
   Explanation: "Enhancing" is a more formal synonym for "boosting," aligning better with academic style.

7. "employees in any department all have their particularly indispensable role" -> "employees in each department have indispensable roles"
   Explanation: Simplifying the phrase removes redundancy and enhances clarity and formality.

8. "they can be distracted from their work" -> "they may become distracted from their work"
   Explanation: "May become" suggests a possibility rather than certainty, which is more appropriate in academic writing to avoid absolute statements.

9. "lose the link in the whole chain" -> "disrupt the workflow"
   Explanation: "Disrupt the workflow" is a more precise and formal way to describe the impact on work continuity.

10. "being permitted to have more extended holidays" -> "being granted more extended holidays"
    Explanation: "Granted" is a more formal term than "permitted," fitting better in an academic context.

11. "give employees an escape from excessive stress from work" -> "provide employees with a respite from excessive work-related stress"
    Explanation: "Provide with a respite" is more formal and precise than "give an escape," and "work-related stress" clarifies the source of the stress.

12. "avoid burnout from overstress" -> "prevent burnout caused by overwork"
    Explanation: "Prevent burnout caused by overwork" is a more accurate and formal expression, correcting the misuse of "overstress."

13. "a great number of serious mental health problems such as depression" -> "numerous serious mental health issues such as depression"
    Explanation: "Numerous" is more precise than "a great number," and "issues" is a more formal synonym for "problems."

14. "making allowances for extended holidays" -> "allowing for extended holidays"
    Explanation: "Allowing for" is a more direct and formal way to express permission or permission-granting, suitable for an academic context.

15. "as a way to afford the next terms of other holidays" -> "to fund future holidays"
    Explanation: "To fund future holidays" is clearer and more direct than "as a way to afford the next terms of other holidays," which is awkward and unclear.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of providing employees with at least four weeks of holiday annually. The introduction clearly states the writer’s partial agreement with the statement, which is a critical aspect of the task. The body paragraphs present arguments for both sides, with a focus on the benefits of extended holidays, such as improved productivity and mental health. However, the discussion of potential drawbacks could be more developed, as it currently lacks depth and specific examples.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the negative impacts of extended holidays on company performance. Additionally, addressing the counterarguments in more depth would strengthen the overall response and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, indicating a partial agreement with the idea of extended holidays. The writer consistently supports this position with relevant arguments about productivity and mental health. However, the transition from discussing drawbacks to benefits could be smoother, as the current structure creates a slight disjoint in the flow of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer could use transitional phrases to better connect the discussion of drawbacks to the subsequent benefits. For example, after mentioning the potential negative impacts, a phrase like "Despite these concerns, it is important to consider…" could help guide the reader more effectively through the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the reduction of stress and the prevention of burnout, which are well-supported by reasoning. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the mention of "serious mental health problems such as depression" is a strong point, but it could be enhanced by providing statistics or examples of how holidays have positively impacted employee well-being in real-world scenarios.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to include specific examples or evidence that illustrate the points made. This could involve referencing studies on employee productivity related to vacation time or anecdotal evidence from personal experiences that highlight the benefits of holidays.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the implications of extended holidays for employee performance. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of employees being "distracted from their work" could be elaborated to clarify how this distraction specifically impacts job performance.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether extended holidays improve employee performance. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each argument back to the prompt, ensuring that the relevance of each point is clear to the reader.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some improvements in depth of analysis, clarity of transitions, and the inclusion of supporting evidence, the essay could achieve an even higher score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits and drawbacks of extended holidays for employees. The introduction effectively outlines the issue and states the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are structured to first address the potential negative impacts of extended holidays before transitioning to the positive aspects. This logical progression helps the reader follow the argument. However, the transition between discussing drawbacks and benefits could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly indicate a shift in perspective. For example, after discussing the drawbacks, a phrase like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" could signal the transition to the benefits of extended holidays, making the argument more cohesive.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids in readability. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided to differentiate between the benefits of holidays and the reasons why they motivate employees.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider breaking the second body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the mental health benefits of holidays and the other on how they can enhance motivation. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "therefore," and "besides," which help connect ideas and maintain coherence. These devices effectively guide the reader through the argument. Nonetheless, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied linking words and phrases that indicate contrast, addition, and cause-effect relationships.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate additional phrases such as "furthermore," "in contrast," or "as a result." For instance, when discussing the negative impacts, you could use "In contrast" to introduce the benefits section, enhancing the sophistication of the writing. Additionally, using synonyms for repeated phrases can also improve cohesion and keep the reader engaged.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 8. By refining transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "excessive stress," "mitigating," "indispensable role," and "burnout." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "extended holidays" and "potential negative impacts," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "extended holidays," alternatives like "lengthy vacations," "prolonged breaks," or "extended leave" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated phrases or idiomatic expressions could elevate the lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the link in the whole chain," which could be clearer. The phrase "making allowances for extended holidays" is also somewhat vague and could be interpreted in different ways.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim for more clarity and specificity in their word choices. For instance, instead of "the link in the whole chain," a more precise phrase could be "the interconnected roles within the organization." Furthermore, replacing "making allowances" with "providing" or "granting" would clarify the intended meaning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that would impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "overstress," which is less commonly used compared to "overstress" or "overwork," and "contemporary era," where "era" could be omitted for conciseness.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as spelling exercises or using tools like spell checkers. Additionally, familiarizing themselves with commonly misspelled words and their correct forms through reading and writing exercises can enhance overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a satisfactory range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choices, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "In contemporary era, the excessive stress from work has increasingly become a burning issue" showcase a complex structure with a clear subject and verb. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as "To begin with" and "In conclusion," which can detract from the overall variety. Additionally, the use of phrases like "therefore" and "in other words" indicates an attempt to connect ideas, but the transitions could be more varied.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating different types of introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "I believe" or "To begin with," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses. For instance, "Recognizing the importance of holidays, many companies are now considering extended leave policies." This approach not only diversifies sentence openings but also adds depth to the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "In contemporary era" should be "In the contemporary era," indicating a missing article. Additionally, the sentence "if they are allowed extended holidays throughout a year" could be improved by changing "throughout a year" to "throughout the year" for clarity and correctness. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are a few run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation or the use of conjunctions.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on article usage and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing with exercises can help reinforce these concepts. Additionally, pay attention to sentence length; breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can enhance readability and reduce the risk of grammatical errors. For example, the sentence "However, I believe that holidays of at least four weeks can rather enhance the workers’ productivity and satisfaction" could be split for clarity: "However, I believe that holidays of at least four weeks can enhance workers’ productivity. Additionally, they can improve overall job satisfaction."

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can elevate their score further in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, the excessive stress caused by work has increasingly become a burning issue in many workplaces all over the world. In an effort to mitigate this problem, there is a proposed solution that workers should be entitled to holidays of at least four weeks annually to improve their performance at work. From my perspective, I partly agree with the statement for its role in boosting employees’ productivity and motivation at work, despite its potential drawbacks.

To begin with, I acknowledge that extended holidays can bring about potential negative impacts on the development of a company. Specifically, it is undeniable that employees in each department have indispensable roles in the company’s development. Therefore, if they are allowed extended holidays throughout the year, they may become distracted from their work and lose the link in the whole chain, leading to a decline in the company’s overall performance. However, I believe that holidays of at least four weeks can rather enhance workers’ productivity and satisfaction. In other words, being granted more extended holidays can provide employees with a respite from excessive work-related stress, allowing them to spend more time with their family or enjoy their personal life. Besides, prolonged holidays can prevent burnout caused by overwork, therefore avoiding numerous serious mental health issues such as depression. Moreover, allowing for extended holidays can also promote workers’ motivation to work harder as a way to fund future holidays.

In conclusion, I believe that despite its potential disadvantages, prolonged holidays can help employees significantly alleviate the stress of work and promote their mental health.