he graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, and the average salary of both these types of graduates, from 2004 to 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

he graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, and the average salary of both these types of graduates, from 2004 to 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given graphs illustrate the proportion of graduates geting full-time jobs after graduating from a college in Austrailia, and the arverage salary of both these categories of garduates over 8-year period.
Overall, it is clear that the share of other graduates holding a university degree topped the list in 2006. By contrast, the figure for other graduates kept the bottom in 2012.
An upward trend from nearly 70% to 80% was seen in the percentage of other graduates from 2004 to 2006. Similarly, a slight increase of more than 80% in the share of math graduates in this period time. In both categories of graduates, the amount of salary raise gradually from $41000 to $43000.
There was a downward trend by merely 10% in the percentage of math graduates from 2006 to 2008. In contrast, a compareable trend was witnessed in the figure for other graduates, which rose gradually to more than 80% in 2008. Besides, standing at $43000 in 2006, the amount of math graduates's salary went up to $50000 while that in other graduates climbed slightly to $45000 in 2008. Be almost exactly the same as the trend in the figure for incomes of math graduates from 2006 to 2008, the amount of other graduates's income was increased gradually to $56000 and $51000, perpecstively in 2012. A significant decline was witnessed in the shares of other graduates by nearly 20% from 2008 to 2012. Relatively similar to the percentage of math graduates, which decreased to nearly 80% in 2012.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The given graphs illustrate" -> "The graphs illustrate"
   Explanation: Removing "The given" simplifies the phrase and makes it more direct and formal, aligning better with academic style.

2. "geting" -> "obtaining"
   Explanation: "Geting" is a typo and should be corrected to "obtaining" for grammatical accuracy and formality.

3. "Austrailia" -> "Australia"
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling of the country name to maintain professionalism and accuracy.

4. "arverage" -> "average"
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to ensure accuracy and professionalism.

5. "garduates" -> "graduates"
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to ensure accuracy and professionalism.

6. "kept the bottom" -> "remained lowest"
   Explanation: "Kept the bottom" is an idiomatic expression that is too informal for academic writing. "Remained lowest" is more precise and formal.

7. "in this period time" -> "during this period"
   Explanation: "In this period time" is redundant; "during this period" is more concise and appropriate for academic writing.

8. "the amount of salary raise" -> "the salary increase"
   Explanation: "The amount of salary raise" is awkward and unclear. "The salary increase" is a more natural and precise term.

9. "merely 10%" -> "a mere 10%"
   Explanation: "Merely" is used incorrectly here; "a mere" is the correct adjectival form needed to modify "10%."

10. "a compareable trend" -> "a comparable trend"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to ensure accuracy and professionalism.

11. "math graduates’s salary" -> "the salary of math graduates"
    Explanation: "Math graduates’s salary" is grammatically incorrect. "The salary of math graduates" corrects this and maintains formal tone.

12. "Be almost exactly the same" -> "was almost identical"
    Explanation: "Be almost exactly the same" is informal and unclear. "Was almost identical" is more formal and precise.

13. "perpecstively" -> "respectively"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to ensure accuracy and professionalism.

14. "other graduates’s income" -> "the income of other graduates"
    Explanation: "Other graduates’s income" is grammatically incorrect. "The income of other graduates" corrects this and maintains formal tone.

15. "perpecstively" -> "respectively"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to ensure accuracy and professionalism.

16. "A significant decline was witnessed" -> "a significant decline was observed"
    Explanation: "Witnessed" can be replaced with "observed" to enhance the formality and precision of the language.

These changes enhance the essay’s clarity, precision, and adherence to academic style, ensuring that the language is formal and appropriate for scholarly discourse.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/ bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also includes some irrelevant and inaccurate information.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on the key features of the data and avoid irrelevant details. The essay should also be written in a more formal and academic style. For example, the essay could be improved by using more precise language and avoiding informal language such as "topped the list" and "kept the bottom". The essay could also be improved by using more complex sentence structures and avoiding simple sentences.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the two categories of graduates and their salaries, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between points made. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas are not grouped effectively, leading to a disjointed reading experience.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on clearer logical progression between ideas. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring that each paragraph centers around a single clear topic. Improving the accuracy of references and substitutions will also help reduce repetition and enhance clarity. Additionally, organizing the information into well-defined paragraphs that follow a logical structure will aid in guiding the reader through the essay more effectively.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the graphs, the use of vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in spelling (e.g., "geting," "Austrailia," "arverage," "garduates," "compareable," "perpecstively") and word formation (e.g., "math graduates’s salary"), which may cause some difficulty for the reader. The overall lexical resource does not meet the requirements for higher bands due to these issues.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to employment and salary. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and grammatical errors would improve clarity. Using synonyms and avoiding repetition can also elevate the quality of the writing, making it more engaging and sophisticated.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences; however, these attempts are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement, incorrect word forms, and punctuation mistakes. While the overall meaning is generally clear, the errors can cause some difficulty for the reader, particularly in understanding certain comparisons and trends.

How to improve:

1. Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex and compound sentences, while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
2. Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar. For example, ensure subject-verb agreement (e.g., "the proportion of graduates getting" instead of "the proportion of graduates geting").
3. Clarify Comparisons: Work on making comparisons clearer by using appropriate linking words and phrases, which can help in structuring the information logically.
4. Practice Grammar: Focus on specific grammar rules that are causing errors, such as the correct use of possessive forms (e.g., "math graduates’ salary" instead of "math graduates’s salary") and pluralization.
5. Seek Feedback: Consider getting feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring errors and areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given graphs illustrate the proportion of graduates obtaining full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, as well as the average salary of both categories of graduates over an 8-year period.

Overall, it is clear that the share of other graduates holding a university degree topped the list in 2006. By contrast, the figure for math graduates remained at the bottom in 2012.

An upward trend from nearly 70% to 80% was observed in the percentage of other graduates from 2004 to 2006. Similarly, there was a slight increase of more than 80% in the share of math graduates during this period. In both categories of graduates, the average salary rose gradually from $41,000 to $43,000.

There was a downward trend of merely 10% in the percentage of math graduates from 2006 to 2008. In contrast, a comparable trend was witnessed in the figure for other graduates, which rose gradually to more than 80% in 2008. Additionally, standing at $43,000 in 2006, the average salary of math graduates increased to $50,000, while that of other graduates climbed slightly to $45,000 in 2008. Almost exactly mirroring the trend in the income of math graduates from 2006 to 2008, the income of other graduates increased gradually to $56,000 and $51,000, respectively, in 2012. A significant decline was observed in the shares of other graduates by nearly 20% from 2008 to 2012, which was relatively similar to the percentage of math graduates, which decreased to nearly 80% in 2012.