In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing.
Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

The increasing in proportion of countryside dwellers to urban has gone up recently. This phenomena has brough a lot of drawbacks to both side. Obviously, people have mere think that urban will have them change their life and earn money in an easier way as well as their children will adapt to a higher education in city. The fact that this development is still controversial.
It's notable that urbanization is bound to have drawbacks. First of all, people who first come here will be under pressure of accommodations, expense for transportation and living. There will be sophisticated to find an suitable house with affordable cost in city, especially in mega urban such as New York City or Tokyo in Japan. As a consequence, slums where low-incomes families live and group together in some neglected side of city will increase. Their kids will also be influenced by crime adolescents if parents accidentally ignore them when they have to bend over backwards to earn living.
The second aspects of disadvantage is absolutely about transportation and traffic problems in city. As many people go to city, traffic congestion will soar to enormous problems for authorities to address. Air pollutions, traffic accidents, noise pollutions and so on will have great influence on health problem of city dwellers because they have to experience this effects everyday.
In optimistic site, if government have effective solution to address the problems in time, there will be no doubt that urbanization still have it benefit aspects. Living in large city means you will have more opportunities to gain a better quality of life such as accessing to a good quality health care or standard education from schools. You also have a better service of transportation, for examples, in some countries, authorities introduced some solution to solve the pollution in city such as going by bikes, or improving the environment surrounded.
It's my point of view about the problems about the increasing in proportion in local residents trans to city. It's undeniable that urbanization will have its advantages if authorities have a suitable policies for the unstopped development of the city all around the world in the future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The increasing in proportion of countryside dwellers to urban has gone up recently." -> "The proportion of rural dwellers migrating to urban areas has increased recently."
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise.

2. "This phenomena has brough a lot of drawbacks to both side." -> "This phenomenon has brought numerous drawbacks to both sides."
   Explanation: "Phenomena" should be singular, and "brought" should be "brought" for correct verb tense. Additionally, "a lot of" is informal; "numerous" is more precise and formal.

3. "people have mere think" -> "people merely think"
   Explanation: "Mere" is incorrectly used here; "merely" is the correct adverb needed to modify "think" to indicate that the thinking is simple or straightforward.

4. "urban will have them change their life and earn money in an easier way" -> "urbanization will facilitate changes in their lives and easier earning opportunities"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revision clarifies and formalizes the statement, using more precise language.

5. "their children will adapt to a higher education in city" -> "their children will have access to better educational opportunities in the city"
   Explanation: "Adapt to a higher education" is vague and incorrect; "have access to better educational opportunities" is more specific and academically appropriate.

6. "sophisticated to find an suitable house" -> "difficult to find a suitable house"
   Explanation: "Sophisticated" is incorrectly used; "difficult" is the correct adverb needed to describe the challenge of finding a suitable house.

7. "in some neglected side of city" -> "in certain neglected areas of the city"
   Explanation: "Side of city" is informal and imprecise; "areas of the city" is more specific and formal.

8. "Their kids will also be influenced by crime adolescents" -> "Their children may also be influenced by criminal activity among adolescents"
   Explanation: "Crime adolescents" is incorrect and unclear; "criminal activity among adolescents" is more precise and appropriate.

9. "bend over backwards to earn living" -> "go to great lengths to earn a living"
   Explanation: "Bend over backwards" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing; "go to great lengths" is a more formal expression.

10. "The second aspects of disadvantage" -> "The second disadvantage"
    Explanation: "Aspects of disadvantage" is redundant; "disadvantage" alone is sufficient and more direct.

11. "Air pollutions, traffic accidents, noise pollutions" -> "air pollution, traffic accidents, and noise pollution"
    Explanation: The original list is grammatically incorrect; the revised version corrects the punctuation and uses the singular form for consistency.

12. "have to experience this effects everyday" -> "must experience these effects daily"
    Explanation: "This effects" is grammatically incorrect; "these effects" is correct, and "daily" is more formal than "everyday."

13. "In optimistic site" -> "From an optimistic perspective"
    Explanation: "In optimistic site" is incorrect; "From an optimistic perspective" is the correct phrase for expressing a viewpoint.

14. "if government have effective solution" -> "if the government has effective solutions"
    Explanation: "Have" should be "has" for subject-verb agreement, and "solution" should be plural to match the context of multiple solutions.

15. "unstopped development" -> "unstoppable development"
    Explanation: "Unstopped" is not a word; "unstoppable" is the correct adjective needed to describe the development.

These changes enhance the formal tone, improve grammatical accuracy, and clarify the meaning of the essay, making it more suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of rural-to-urban migration. The author mentions drawbacks such as housing issues, increased crime, and traffic congestion, while also acknowledging potential benefits like improved access to healthcare and education. However, the treatment of these points is somewhat superficial, lacking in-depth analysis or specific examples that could strengthen the argument. For instance, while the essay mentions slums and traffic problems, it does not provide concrete statistics or case studies to illustrate these issues.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for both the positive and negative impacts of urbanization. This could include referencing specific cities or studies that illustrate the challenges and benefits of urban living. Additionally, a clearer distinction between the two sides of the argument could help in structuring the essay more effectively.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, suggesting that urbanization has both advantages and disadvantages. However, the position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. Phrases like "the fact that this development is still controversial" introduce ambiguity, and the conclusion seems to waver between acknowledging the problems and asserting that urbanization can be beneficial if managed properly.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases to signal shifts in argument and summarizing the main point at the end of each paragraph can help keep the reader focused on the author’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to urbanization, but many of them are not fully developed. For example, the mention of "air pollutions, traffic accidents, noise pollutions" is a good start, but these points could be elaborated with specific examples or statistics to provide a stronger argument. The essay also lacks a clear structure, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow the development of ideas.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on expanding each point with relevant details and examples. This could involve discussing specific policies that have been successful in other cities or providing data on the impacts of urbanization. Organizing the essay into clear sections (introduction, body paragraphs for each main point, conclusion) would also help in presenting and supporting ideas more effectively.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of rural-to-urban migration. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when the author introduces the idea of government solutions without fully connecting it back to the main argument. The phrase "it’s my point of view about the problems about the increasing in proportion in local residents trans to city" is somewhat vague and does not clearly relate to the prompt.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly addresses a specific aspect of the prompt. Avoiding vague statements and instead linking back to the main argument can help keep the essay relevant. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can clarify the main idea being discussed and reinforce the overall argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the implications of rural-to-urban migration, with distinct sections discussing both the drawbacks and benefits of urbanization. The introduction outlines the topic and hints at the controversial nature of the issue, while subsequent paragraphs delve into specific disadvantages and advantages. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by abrupt transitions between ideas, such as moving from the discussion of housing issues directly to transportation problems without a clear linking sentence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "On the other hand," can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. For example, after discussing housing issues, a transition like "Moreover, the influx of people also exacerbates transportation challenges" would create a more cohesive flow.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of urbanization, allowing for a structured presentation of arguments. However, some paragraphs could be more effectively developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing the drawbacks of urbanization could be split into two separate paragraphs—one focusing on housing issues and another on transportation problems—to allow for deeper exploration of each point.
  • How to improve: Aim for a clearer structure by ensuring that each paragraph has a single main idea supported by relevant examples. This can be achieved by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and ensuring that all subsequent sentences relate back to that idea. For instance, the paragraph on transportation could begin with a sentence that explicitly states the main issue before detailing the consequences.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "as a consequence," and "in optimistic site." However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used incorrectly or awkwardly, such as "in optimistic site," which should be "on the optimistic side." Additionally, there are instances where cohesive devices are missing, leading to choppy sentences and affecting the overall flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "however," "nevertheless," and "in addition" to connect contrasting ideas or add information. Additionally, ensure that all cohesive devices are used correctly in context. Practicing with a list of transitional phrases and their appropriate contexts can help improve this aspect. For example, instead of saying "the second aspects of disadvantage," you could say, "Another significant disadvantage is…" to enhance clarity and cohesion.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of urbanization and its impacts. Phrases such as "pressure of accommodations," "traffic congestion," and "better quality of life" indicate a reasonable range. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation, such as the repeated use of "urban" and "city." The phrase "the increasing in proportion of countryside dwellers to urban" is awkward and lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "urban," they could use "metropolitan," "city," or "urban areas." Additionally, restructuring phrases for clarity, such as changing "the increasing in proportion of countryside dwellers to urban" to "the increasing migration of rural residents to urban areas," would improve both clarity and vocabulary usage.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "this phenomena has brough a lot of drawbacks" contains a grammatical error ("phenomena" should be singular) and the phrase "brough a lot of drawbacks" is vague. The term "sophisticated" is incorrectly used in the context of finding housing; "challenging" or "difficult" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary matches the intended meaning. They can benefit from using a thesaurus to find more suitable words and phrases. For instance, replacing "brough a lot of drawbacks" with "has led to significant challenges" would enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing grammatical structures and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement will help in achieving precise language.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. Words such as "brough" (should be "brought"), "phenomena" (should be "phenomenon"), "accommodations" (should be "accommodation"), "pollutions" (should be "pollution"), and "optimistic site" (should be "optimistic side") reflect a need for careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a systematic approach to proofreading their work. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or writing out commonly misspelled words for practice. Additionally, familiarizing themselves with the correct forms of frequently used vocabulary will help reduce errors in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to engage with relevant vocabulary, improvements can be made in the areas of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, the range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed. For example, phrases like "The increasing in proportion of countryside dwellers to urban has gone up recently" and "It’s undeniable that urbanization will have its advantages" reflect a basic structure that lacks complexity. Additionally, there are instances of run-on sentences, such as "As a consequence, slums where low-incomes families live and group together in some neglected side of city will increase," which could be broken down for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences that include dependent clauses. For instance, instead of saying "The second aspects of disadvantage is absolutely about transportation and traffic problems in city," the writer could say, "Another significant disadvantage is the transportation and traffic problems that arise as more people move to urban areas." This not only improves the complexity but also enhances clarity.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, phrases like "This phenomena has brough a lot of drawbacks" contain subject-verb agreement errors ("phenomena" should be "phenomenon") and spelling mistakes ("brough" should be "brought"). Additionally, punctuation is often misused or absent, as seen in "In optimistic site, if government have effective solution to address the problems in time," where a comma is needed after "site," and "government" should be pluralized to "governments."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and verb tenses. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for spelling and punctuation errors before submission would greatly enhance the overall quality. For example, revising "noise pollutions" to "noise pollution" and ensuring consistent pluralization can help avoid confusion.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant argument and some logical structure, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and correcting grammatical errors will be crucial for the writer’s development.

Bài sửa mẫu

The increasing proportion of countryside dwellers migrating to urban areas has risen recently. This phenomenon has brought a lot of drawbacks to both sides. Obviously, people merely think that urbanization will facilitate changes in their lives and easier earning opportunities, as well as that their children will have access to better educational opportunities in the city. The fact that this development is still controversial.

It’s notable that urbanization is bound to have drawbacks. First of all, people who first come here will be under pressure regarding accommodations, expenses for transportation, and living costs. It will be difficult to find a suitable house at an affordable price in the city, especially in mega urban areas such as New York City or Tokyo in Japan. As a consequence, slums where low-income families live and group together in certain neglected areas of the city will increase. Their kids may also be influenced by criminal activity among adolescents if parents accidentally ignore them when they have to go to great lengths to earn a living.

The second disadvantage is absolutely about transportation and traffic problems in the city. As many people move to the city, traffic congestion will soar, creating enormous problems for authorities to address. Air pollution, traffic accidents, noise pollution, and so on will have a great influence on the health problems of city dwellers because they must experience these effects daily.

From an optimistic perspective, if the government has effective solutions to address the problems in time, there will be no doubt that urbanization still has its beneficial aspects. Living in a large city means you will have more opportunities to gain a better quality of life, such as access to good quality health care or standard education from schools. You also have better transportation services; for example, in some countries, authorities have introduced solutions to solve pollution in the city, such as cycling or improving the surrounding environment.

In my point of view, regarding the problems associated with the increasing proportion of local residents migrating to the city, it’s undeniable that urbanization will have its advantages if authorities implement suitable policies for the unstoppable development of cities around the world in the future.