In many countries now, if people want to find a job, they have to move away from their friends and families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

It is true that many modern people have to leave their family and friends to pursue job goals. While I accept that living far from the beloved ones can sometimes have harrmful effects, I believe that they are more likely to have positive effects.
On the one hand, I acknowledge that this tendency might offer obvious perks. The most significant benefits might be greater job opportunities and higher incomes, which can help improve their family's financial conditions and living standards. Besides, relocating to bigger cities could allow the individuals to live in a better condition with improved infrastructure, healthcare, and education. For example, numerous students decide to study abroad to have access to the most prestigious universities. Last but not least, living with parents can instill a sense of responsibility and independence, which are crucial qualities for one to succeed in both the personal and professional life.
Although there is a strong argument to be made for moving away from families and acquaintances, there are more drawbacks that should be taken in account. Those who have to abandon their family are more likely to put their mental and physical well-being at risk. Moreover, they have to adjust themselves to a new environment, such as a new city or even country with different customs and traditions. Such displacement might lead to some diseases, negatively affecting their quality of life and hindering personal growth. In fact, a score of overseas students or immigrants have been reported suffering from depression and other mental disorders.
In conclusion, it is seen that the possible benefits of relocating away from the motherland are more significant than the potential dangers. It is recommended to learn how to overcome the aforementioned obstacles and embrace such precious opportunities.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is true that" -> "It is indeed the case that"
Explanation: "It is indeed the case that" introduces a more formal and assertive tone, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more conversational "It is true that."
"beloved ones" -> "family and friends"
Explanation: "Beloved ones" is somewhat poetic and less precise in this context. Using "family and friends" directly and clearly conveys the intended meaning.
"harrmful" -> "harmful"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. Correcting "harrmful" to "harmful" ensures the text is free of errors and maintains professionalism.
"more likely to have harrmful effects" -> "more likely to have adverse effects"
Explanation: "Adverse effects" is a more precise and formal term than "harmful effects," aligning better with academic style.
"obvious perks" -> "clear advantages"
Explanation: "Perks" is informal and colloquial; "advantages" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"greater job opportunities and higher incomes" -> "enhanced job opportunities and increased incomes"
Explanation: "Enhanced" and "increased" provide a more formal and precise description of the benefits, improving the academic tone.
"better condition" -> "better living conditions"
Explanation: "Better living conditions" is a more specific and formal phrase than "better condition," which is vague and imprecise.
"Last but not least" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, whereas "Last but not least" is conversational.
"taken in account" -> "taken into account"
Explanation: This is a grammatical correction to ensure the correct preposition usage in the phrase.
"put their mental and physical well-being at risk" -> "jeopardize their mental and physical well-being"
Explanation: "Jeopardize" is a more precise and formal verb than "put at risk," enhancing the academic tone.
"adjust themselves" -> "adjust to"
Explanation: "Adjust to" is grammatically correct and more formal than "adjust themselves," which is awkward and less formal.
"Such displacement might lead to some diseases" -> "Such displacement may lead to certain health issues"
Explanation: "Certain health issues" is a more precise and formal term than "some diseases," which is vague and less specific.
"a score of overseas students or immigrants" -> "numerous overseas students and immigrants"
Explanation: "Numerous" is more precise and formal than "a score," which is colloquial and imprecise.
"have been reported suffering from depression and other mental disorders" -> "have been reported to suffer from depression and other mental disorders"
Explanation: Adding "to" before "suffer" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and correct.
"the motherland" -> "their homeland"
Explanation: "Homeland" is a more formal and less emotional term than "motherland," which can be seen as overly sentimental in an academic context.
"It is recommended to learn how to overcome" -> "It is recommended that individuals learn how to overcome"
Explanation: Adding "that" and specifying "individuals" enhances the formality and clarity of the recommendation.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from family and friends for job opportunities. The author presents a balanced view, discussing benefits such as greater job opportunities and improved living conditions, while also acknowledging potential drawbacks like mental health issues and cultural adjustments. For instance, the mention of students studying abroad as a positive aspect is relevant and well-placed. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the overall conclusion regarding whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages in the introduction and conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could more clearly outline the advantages and disadvantages in the introduction, perhaps by briefly stating their stance on the overall question. Additionally, reinforcing this stance in the conclusion would provide a clearer answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, although this could be more explicitly stated. The author acknowledges the negative aspects but consistently returns to the positive impacts of relocating for work. The phrase "I believe that they are more likely to have positive effects" effectively conveys the author’s stance. However, the transition between acknowledging drawbacks and emphasizing advantages could be smoother.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the author could use more definitive language when discussing the advantages versus disadvantages. For example, phrases like "Ultimately, the benefits significantly outweigh the drawbacks" could reinforce the position more strongly.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-supported ideas, such as the potential for higher incomes and better living conditions. The use of specific examples, like students studying abroad, adds depth to the argument. However, some points, particularly regarding the drawbacks, could benefit from further elaboration. The mention of mental health issues is significant but could be supported with more specific examples or statistics to enhance credibility.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author could include more detailed examples or case studies, particularly for the negative impacts of relocation. Providing statistics or research findings about mental health challenges faced by expatriates could strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing the implications of moving away for work. However, there are moments where the discussion of personal growth and independence, while relevant, could be more tightly linked to the main argument about job opportunities and their consequences. The phrase "living with parents can instill a sense of responsibility" feels slightly off-topic in the context of the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of job relocation. It may help to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in clarity, elaboration, and focus, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The arguments are logically sequenced, with the first body paragraph discussing the advantages of relocating for work, followed by the second body paragraph addressing the disadvantages. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing benefits to drawbacks feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely," to signal the shift in focus. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will help guide the reader through your argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs, with each one focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the positive aspects of moving away, while the second addresses the negative consequences. However, the conclusion could be more developed, as it briefly summarizes the argument without reinforcing the main points discussed in the body.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key arguments presented in the body paragraphs. For instance, reiterate the main advantages and disadvantages discussed, and then clearly state your position on why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This will provide a more cohesive wrap-up to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "Although," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "In fact, a score of overseas students or immigrants…" lacks a clear link to the previous sentence, making it feel somewhat disconnected.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases throughout the essay. For instance, use "Furthermore" to add information, "In contrast" to highlight differences, or "As a result" to show cause and effect. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, reinforcing connections and enhancing overall coherence.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "pursue job goals," "obvious perks," and "prestigious universities." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "living far from the beloved ones" and "abandon their family," which could be varied for better engagement. The phrase "the most significant benefits" could also be enhanced with synonyms like "primary advantages" or "key benefits."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "living far," you could use "residing at a distance" or "relocating." Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "relocation" instead of "moving away," could elevate the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "harrmful effects," which is a misspelling, and "put their mental and physical well-being at risk," which could be more succinctly expressed as "jeopardize their mental and physical health." The phrase "score of overseas students" is also vague and could be better articulated as "a significant number of overseas students."
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. For example, replace "put at risk" with "jeopardize" for a stronger impact. Additionally, ensure that phrases are clear and specific; instead of "a score of," use "a significant number of" to clarify the meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a notable spelling error with "harrmful," which should be "harmful." This error detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Other words are spelled correctly, but the presence of even one error can impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read it aloud or use spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help reinforce correct spelling in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage, and improving spelling will enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "While I accept that living far from the beloved ones can sometimes have harmful effects" and "Although there is a strong argument to be made for moving away from families and acquaintances" showcase the use of subordinate clauses effectively. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "the most significant benefits might be greater job opportunities and higher incomes" could be restructured to enhance engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and transitions. For example, using participial phrases or conditional clauses can add complexity. Additionally, varying sentence lengths can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing. For instance, instead of saying "living with parents can instill a sense of responsibility and independence," you could say, "By living with parents, individuals not only gain a sense of responsibility but also cultivate independence—qualities crucial for success in both personal and professional realms."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, "harrmful" is a spelling error, and "take in account" should be "taken into account." Additionally, the phrase "a score of overseas students" is awkwardly constructed and could be misinterpreted. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are places where commas could enhance readability, such as before "which can help improve their family’s financial conditions."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for spelling and grammatical errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can help identify mistakes before submission. Furthermore, practicing the correct usage of phrases (e.g., "taken into account") and ensuring clarity in expressions will enhance overall grammatical precision. Regularly reviewing punctuation rules, especially concerning clauses and lists, will also contribute to clearer writing.

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed the case that many modern individuals must leave their family and friends to pursue job opportunities. While I acknowledge that living far from loved ones can sometimes have harmful effects, I believe that the advantages of this development are more likely to outweigh the disadvantages.

On the one hand, I recognizethat this trend offers clear advantages. The most significant benefits include enhanced job opportunities and increased incomes, which can help improve their family’s financial conditions and living standards. Furthermore, relocating to larger cities can provide individuals with better living conditions, including improved infrastructure, healthcare, and education. For example, numerous overseas students choose to study abroad to gain access to prestigious universities. Last but not least, living independently can instill a sense of responsibility and independence, which are crucial qualities for success in both personal and professional life.

Although there is a strong argument in favor of moving away from family and friends, there are also notable drawbacks that should be taken into account. Those who must abandon their loved ones are more likely to jeopardize their mental and physical well-being. Moreover, they have to adjust to a new environment, such as a different city or even country with diverse customs and traditions. Such displacement may lead to certain health issues, negatively affecting their quality of life and hindering personal growth. In fact, numerous overseas students and immigrants have been reported to suffer from depression and other mental disorders.

In conclusion, it is evident that the potential benefits of relocating away from one’s homeland are more significant than the possible drawbacks. It is recommended that individuals learn how to overcome the aforementioned challenges and embrace these valuable opportunities.