In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

It is a common belief that nowadays, when it is easier for people to find work in another city and live far away from their families and friends. I believe this trend has more of its own advantages than disadvantages.
On the one hand, not all the cities have the same variety of job vacancies, especially in the small cities. For instance, the investors tend to invest their money in areas with big land, large population or huge natural resources. Because of this, these cities normally bring more job opportunities for people around the country. Especially, for some critical skill jobs, they normally offer a much higher pay to bring them to the workplace. Therefore, these cities often attract people who are looking for jobs from another city or country. Additionally, people who leave their family to live in another city can create their own network. This can help them to expand their connections and increase their chance to get a better job through a referral program.
On the other hand, they need to be careful about their financial status. These people normally have to pay their own expenses which they can share or are covered up by their parents or friends in their hometown. It leads to less savings or struggle when they run out of money I believe. They may also feel lonely and be disconnected from the world when they face the difficulty of finding new friends. For the worst example, they have to take care of themselves by going to see a doctor or buy medicine when they get really sick.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "nowadays" -> "currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise term than "nowadays," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in academic writing.

2. "when it is easier for people to find work in another city and live far away from their families and friends" -> "as it becomes increasingly common for individuals to secure employment in distant cities and relocate away from their families and friends"
   Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and uses more formal vocabulary ("secure employment" and "relocate") to enhance the academic tone.

3. "I believe this trend has more of its own advantages than disadvantages" -> "This trend presents more advantages than disadvantages"
   Explanation: Removing "I believe" makes the statement more assertive and formal, fitting for academic writing.

4. "not all the cities have the same variety of job vacancies" -> "not all cities offer the same range of job opportunities"
   Explanation: "Offer the same range of job opportunities" is more precise and formal than "have the same variety of job vacancies."

5. "the investors tend to invest their money in areas with big land, large population or huge natural resources" -> "investors tend to allocate funds to areas with significant land, large populations, or substantial natural resources"
   Explanation: "Allocate funds" is more precise and formal than "invest their money," and "significant," "large," and "substantial" are more academically appropriate than "big," "large," and "huge."

6. "Because of this, these cities normally bring more job opportunities for people around the country" -> "Consequently, these cities typically offer more job opportunities to individuals nationwide"
   Explanation: "Consequently" is more formal than "Because of this," and "typically offer more job opportunities to individuals nationwide" is more precise and formal than "normally bring more job opportunities for people around the country."

7. "Especially, for some critical skill jobs, they normally offer a much higher pay to bring them to the workplace" -> "particularly, for critical skill positions, they often provide significantly higher compensation to attract them to the workplace"
   Explanation: "Particularly" is more formal than "Especially," and "provide significantly higher compensation" is more precise and formal than "offer a much higher pay."

8. "people who leave their family to live in another city can create their own network" -> "individuals who relocate to another city can establish their own professional networks"
   Explanation: "Individuals who relocate" is more formal than "people who leave their family," and "establish their own professional networks" is more precise and formal than "create their own network."

9. "This can help them to expand their connections and increase their chance to get a better job through a referral program" -> "This can facilitate the expansion of their professional connections and enhance their chances of securing better employment opportunities through referral programs"
   Explanation: "Facilitate the expansion of their professional connections" and "enhance their chances of securing better employment opportunities" are more formal and precise than the original phrasing.

10. "they need to be careful about their financial status" -> "they must be mindful of their financial circumstances"
    Explanation: "Must be mindful of their financial circumstances" is more formal and precise than "need to be careful about their financial status."

11. "These people normally have to pay their own expenses which they can share or are covered up by their parents or friends in their hometown" -> "These individuals typically bear their own expenses, which may be shared or covered by their parents or friends in their hometown"
    Explanation: "Bear their own expenses" is more formal than "have to pay their own expenses," and the rephrasing clarifies the relationship between the expenses and the support from others.

12. "It leads to less savings or struggle when they run out of money I believe" -> "This often results in reduced savings or financial struggles when they exhaust their funds"
    Explanation: "This often results in reduced savings or financial struggles" is more formal and precise than "It leads to less savings or struggle," and "exhaust their funds" is more formal than "run out of money."

13. "For the worst example, they have to take care of themselves by going to see a doctor or buy medicine when they get really sick" -> "For instance, they must self-medicate or seek medical attention when severely ill"
    Explanation: "Must self-medicate or seek medical attention when severely ill" is more formal and precise than "have to take care of themselves by going to see a doctor or buy medicine when they get really sick."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family to find work. It discusses job opportunities in larger cities, higher pay rates, and the chance to expand one’s network. However, it could benefit from a deeper exploration of the disadvantages, such as emotional challenges and financial burdens.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should ensure a balanced discussion by elaborating more on the emotional and financial difficulties individuals may face when moving away. Including specific examples or hypothetical scenarios could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay’s position—that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages—is evident but somewhat generalized. It states a preference for the benefits of job opportunities and networking while briefly acknowledging financial and emotional challenges.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should explicitly state its stance in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, reinforcing this stance with stronger, more detailed examples or personal experiences would strengthen the overall argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about job availability and networking adequately. It provides some elaboration on how moving for work can benefit career prospects and personal networks.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay could extend its ideas further by providing more specific examples or studies that demonstrate how relocating for work has positively impacted individuals’ careers or personal lives. This would add depth and credibility to the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family for work opportunities.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Avoid tangents or general statements that do not contribute to discussing the specific advantages and disadvantages outlined in the prompt.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the issue, it could benefit from deeper analysis, more specific examples, and a clearer stance throughout. Strengthening these aspects would elevate the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay, potentially raising the Task Response score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically, with a basic introduction, two main paragraphs presenting contrasting views, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on either advantages or disadvantages, maintaining a coherent structure throughout.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the introduction to more directly address the prompt. Each paragraph could be strengthened by ensuring all sentences contribute directly to the central argument of either advantages or disadvantages. This would create a stronger sense of unity and purpose in each section.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate ideas. However, there are instances where paragraphs could be more cohesive internally. For example, within the disadvantages paragraph, the discussion shifts abruptly from financial concerns to loneliness and health issues.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraph coherence by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single aspect of the topic (e.g., financial impacts or emotional challenges) and develops it fully before moving on to the next point. This will create smoother transitions and clearer progression of ideas within each paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices such as ‘on the one hand’ and ‘on the other hand’, which help to indicate contrasting viewpoints. Additionally, there is attempted use of linking words like ‘especially’, ‘therefore’, and ‘for instance’ to connect ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance coherence, aim to diversify cohesive devices further. Introduce a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., ‘moreover’, ‘in contrast’, ‘consequently’) to strengthen the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will improve the overall cohesion of ideas and enhance the essay’s coherence.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in the clarity of paragraph structure and the diversity of cohesive devices used. By focusing on these areas, the essay can achieve a more cohesive and logically organized presentation of ideas, potentially improving its coherence and cohesion band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes terms like "variety of job vacancies," "investors," "critical skill jobs," "referral program," "financial status," "disconnected," and "medicine." These terms are generally appropriate and relevant to the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. For instance, instead of "variety of job vacancies," using "diversity in employment opportunities" or replacing "critical skill jobs" with "specialized professions" could elevate the vocabulary level. Furthermore, integrating synonyms and more nuanced expressions can add depth to your arguments and enhance clarity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, such as "huge natural resources" and "critical skill jobs." However, there are instances of less precise usage, such as "big land" (perhaps "expansive territory" or "ample land area") and "create their own network" (could be refined to "establish professional connections").
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise and nuanced vocabulary choices throughout the essay. Review each term used and consider if there are more exact or sophisticated alternatives that could better convey your intended meaning. This can enhance the clarity and impact of your arguments.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay, with only minor errors observed ("they can share or are covered up by their parents" – "covered up" should be "covered"). However, there are no pervasive issues that significantly detract from readability.
  • How to improve: Continue to focus on proofreading carefully to catch minor errors like the example mentioned above. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools to assist in identifying and correcting any overlooked mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in vocabulary usage and spelling accuracy, there is room for improvement in enhancing the range and precision of vocabulary choices. By refining vocabulary selection to include more sophisticated terms and ensuring precise usage, the essay can further strengthen its lexical resource and overall coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, it effectively uses complex sentences to explain causes and consequences ("For instance, the investors tend to invest their money in areas with big land, large population or huge natural resources") and employs compound sentences to present contrasting ideas ("On the one hand… On the other hand…"). These structures contribute to the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
  • How to improve: To further enhance sentence variety, consider incorporating more sentence types such as interrogative or imperative sentences where appropriate. This can add depth and engagement to the argument. Additionally, ensure that complex sentences are used correctly to maintain clarity and coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates proficient control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where errors slightly affect clarity, such as in the sentence "These people normally have to pay their own expenses which they can share or are covered up by their parents or friends in their hometown." Here, the phrasing could be clearer and more concise.
  • The use of commas and conjunctions is generally correct, aiding in the clarity and flow of ideas.
  • Subject-verb agreement and tense usage are consistent throughout the essay, ensuring grammatical accuracy.
  • How to improve: To further improve grammatical accuracy, pay attention to sentence structure complexity to avoid potential run-on sentences or ambiguous constructions. For instance, rephrasing sentences like "It leads to less savings or struggle when they run out of money I believe." to "This leads to less savings or financial struggle, in my opinion," could enhance clarity and precision. Additionally, reviewing conjunction usage to ensure sentences are effectively joined can strengthen coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, refining sentence variety and ensuring meticulous attention to sentence structure and clarity can elevate the essay to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that in today’s world, many individuals relocate to different cities in search of employment opportunities, often leaving behind their families and friends. In my view, this trend offers more advantages than disadvantages.

On the positive side, not all cities provide the same range of job opportunities, particularly smaller cities. Major cities attract investments due to their vast land, large populations, or abundant natural resources. Consequently, these urban centers typically offer a broader spectrum of employment prospects nationwide. Especially for critical skill roles, they frequently offer substantially higher salaries to attract talented professionals. Thus, these cities become magnets for job seekers from other cities or even countries.

Moreover, individuals who move to a new city can build their own professional networks. This networking can significantly enhance their connections and improve their chances of securing better job opportunities through referrals.

On the other hand, relocating individuals must manage their financial situation carefully. They often cover their own expenses, which might have been shared or supported by their parents or friends back home. This can lead to diminished savings or financial challenges when resources are depleted. Additionally, there can be emotional hardships such as loneliness and feelings of disconnection from their social circle while attempting to establish new friendships in an unfamiliar environment. In more serious situations, they may need to handle their own medical care if they fall seriously ill.

In conclusion, while there are challenges associated with relocating for work, such as financial strain and social adjustments, the opportunities for career advancement and professional networking in larger cities outweigh these drawbacks. Therefore, I believe that the benefits of this trend generally outweigh its disadvantages.