In recent years, many governements have brought in laws to ban smoking in public places, such as bars, restaurants and offices. To what extend to you agree or disagree with banning smoking in public places.

In recent years, many governements have brought in laws to ban smoking in public places, such as bars, restaurants and offices.
To what extend to you agree or disagree with banning smoking in public places.

Many governments have recently attempted to stipulate laws for banning smoking in public areas. In my view that smoking should be prohibited in the crowded places since it leads to health issues, financial waste and harmful to the surrounding environment.

The first reason for my agreement is the health problem caused by smoking. Regular smokers have suffered respiratory diseases such as sorethroat, lung cancer or those with the primarily asthma making their diseases more seriously. Those diseases not only influence to individuals'health but also the burden to their families or relatives who have responsible to take care of them

The second reason that smoking should be banned is waste of money. It is estimated that a person who smokes one pack of cigarettes daily costs 25,000 dong. It means approximately 800,000 dong per month wasted for smoking, equipvallent to school fee for one primary school student. Therefore, if individuals stop smoking, they can spend this amount of money for the payment of their children’s fees.

The last reason for government to ban smoking is that it is harmful to the surrounding environment. Individuals who smoke in the public places release poisonous subtances into the air that affected to people’s health around them.

In conclusion, Governments have set a law in forbidding smoking in public places. In my opinion, smoking should be restricted in the crowded areas for protecting people’s well-being and creating a cleaner environment for human beings.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In my view that smoking should be prohibited" -> "I believe that smoking should be prohibited"
   Explanation: The phrase "In my view that" is redundant and awkward. "I believe" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing, enhancing clarity and formality.

2. "crowded places" -> "public areas"
   Explanation: "Crowded places" is somewhat vague and informal. "Public areas" is more specific and formal, better suited for an academic context.

3. "leads to health issues" -> "leads to health problems"
   Explanation: "Health issues" is somewhat vague and can encompass a broad range of problems. "Health problems" is more specific and precise, improving the academic tone.

4. "harmful to the surrounding environment" -> "harmful to the surrounding environment"
   Explanation: This is a typographical error. The word "harmful" should be repeated to maintain grammatical correctness.

5. "Regular smokers have suffered respiratory diseases such as sorethroat" -> "Regular smokers often suffer from respiratory diseases such as sore throats"
   Explanation: "Have suffered" is passive and less direct. "Often suffer from" is more active and appropriate for academic writing, and "sore throats" should be hyphenated as "sore-throats" for grammatical correctness.

6. "making their diseases more seriously" -> "making their conditions more severe"
   Explanation: "More seriously" is grammatically incorrect. "More severe" is the correct adverbial form needed here, enhancing the sentence’s grammatical accuracy.

7. "influence to individuals’health" -> "affect individuals’ health"
   Explanation: "Influence to" is grammatically incorrect. "Affect" is the correct verb to use in this context, and "individuals’ health" should be hyphenated for possessive form.

8. "have responsible to take care of them" -> "are responsible for caring for them"
   Explanation: "Have responsible to take care of them" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Are responsible for caring for them" is grammatically correct and clearer.

9. "It is estimated that a person who smokes one pack of cigarettes daily costs 25,000 dong." -> "It is estimated that a daily pack of cigarettes costs 25,000 dong for a smoker."
   Explanation: The original sentence structure is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the subject and verb agreement, improving readability and formality.

10. "equipvallent to school fee for one primary school student" -> "equivalent to the school fees for one primary school student"
    Explanation: "Equipvallent" is a typographical error. "Equivalent to the school fees" corrects this and clarifies the comparison.

11. "harmful to the surrounding environment" -> "harmful to the environment"
    Explanation: The phrase "surrounding environment" is redundant. "Environment" alone is sufficient and more concise, maintaining the formal tone.

12. "Governments have set a law in forbidding" -> "Governments have enacted laws prohibiting"
    Explanation: "Set a law in forbidding" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Enacted laws prohibiting" is grammatically correct and more formal.

13. "smoking should be restricted in the crowded areas" -> "smoking should be restricted in crowded areas"
    Explanation: "In the crowded areas" is redundant. Removing "in the" simplifies the phrase and maintains the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear opinion that smoking should be banned in public places. However, it fails to fully explore the extent of agreement or disagreement, which is a critical aspect of the question. The phrase "to what extent" implies a need for a nuanced discussion, potentially including counterarguments or a spectrum of agreement. The essay primarily presents reasons for banning smoking without acknowledging any opposing views or the possibility of partial agreement.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the degree of agreement with the ban on smoking in public places. This could involve acknowledging potential counterarguments (e.g., personal freedom) and addressing them. For instance, the writer could mention that while they agree with the ban, they recognize the importance of balancing individual rights with public health concerns.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The position is generally clear, as the writer advocates for banning smoking in public areas. However, the clarity is somewhat undermined by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which can distract from the main argument. For example, phrases like "in my view that smoking should be prohibited" are not grammatically correct and can confuse the reader about the author’s stance.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy and clarity of expression. A clearer statement of position could be: "I strongly agree that smoking should be banned in public places due to its detrimental effects on health, finances, and the environment." This direct approach would reinforce the position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several reasons for supporting the ban on smoking, including health issues, financial waste, and environmental harm. However, the development of these ideas is limited. For example, the health argument could be extended by providing statistics or studies that demonstrate the impact of secondhand smoke on non-smokers. The financial argument lacks depth, as it only provides a single example without exploring broader implications or alternative uses of the money saved.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should elaborate on each point with more detailed examples, statistics, or studies. For instance, discussing the long-term healthcare costs associated with smoking-related illnesses could enhance the health argument. Additionally, including a comparison of the financial burden of smoking versus potential savings from quitting would provide a more compelling case.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for banning smoking in public places. However, some sentences are convoluted or off-topic, such as "those with the primarily asthma making their diseases more seriously," which detracts from the main argument and introduces ambiguity. The phrase "responsible to take care of them" could also be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: The writer should ensure that each sentence directly supports the main argument and is clearly articulated. Simplifying complex sentences and avoiding unnecessary details will help maintain focus. For example, instead of saying "those with the primarily asthma making their diseases more seriously," a clearer statement could be "smokers with asthma experience more severe health complications."

In summary, to improve the overall score for Task Response, the writer should ensure they fully address all parts of the prompt, maintain a clear and grammatically correct position, extend and support their ideas with relevant examples, and stay focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of banning smoking in public places, structured around three main points: health issues, financial waste, and environmental harm. Each point is introduced in a separate paragraph, which aids in logical organization. However, the transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, the connection between the financial implications of smoking and its health effects is not explicitly made, which could confuse readers about how these points relate to one another.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that link ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing health issues, a sentence like "In addition to health concerns, smoking also imposes a significant financial burden on individuals" could help clarify the relationship between the points.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different arguments, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a single idea, making it easier for the reader to follow the writer’s reasoning. However, the introduction could be more effective if it clearly stated the writer’s position on the issue and provided a brief overview of the points to be discussed.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the introduction by explicitly stating your thesis and outlining the main points you will cover. For example, you could revise the introduction to say, "This essay will argue that smoking should be banned in public places due to its detrimental effects on health, financial implications, and environmental damage." This sets a clear roadmap for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first reason," "second reason," and "last reason," to guide the reader through the arguments. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. Additionally, there are instances where cohesive devices are misused, such as "influenced to individuals’ health," which should be "influences individuals’ health."
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "the first reason," consider alternatives like "one significant factor" or "another important aspect." Furthermore, ensure grammatical accuracy in your cohesive devices to maintain clarity and professionalism.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially increasing the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "prohibited," "respiratory diseases," and "poisonous substances." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice. For example, the term "smoking" is used frequently without synonyms or related phrases that could enhance the lexical variety. The phrase "health issues" could be expanded to include terms like "health risks" or "adverse health effects."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "smoking," alternatives such as "tobacco use" or "cigarette consumption" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs can enrich the text, such as "significant health risks" instead of just "health issues."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are notable inaccuracies. For instance, the phrase "those with the primarily asthma" is awkward and unclear; it would be more precise to say "individuals with asthma." Additionally, "the burden to their families or relatives who have responsible to take care of them" is grammatically incorrect and could be better expressed as "the burden on their families or relatives who are responsible for their care."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Proofreading for grammatical structures and ensuring that phrases convey the intended meaning clearly will enhance precision. Using tools like thesauruses can also help find more accurate terms that fit the context better.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "sorethroat" (should be "sore throat"), "equipvallent" (should be "equivalent"), and "subtances" (should be "substances"). These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize spell-check tools while drafting. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that might be overlooked during silent reading. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and ensuring correct spelling will help elevate the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("Many governments have recently attempted to stipulate laws for banning smoking in public areas.") and compound sentences ("In my opinion, smoking should be restricted in the crowded areas for protecting people’s well-being and creating a cleaner environment for human beings."). However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect structures, such as "the burden to their families or relatives who have responsible to take care of them," which could be better expressed as "the burden on their families or relatives who are responsible for taking care of them."
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of "The first reason for my agreement is the health problem caused by smoking," the writer could say, "One compelling reason I support the ban on smoking in public places is that it significantly contributes to various health problems." Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can add variety, as well as employing different conjunctions to connect ideas more fluidly.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, "to what extend to you agree or disagree" should be corrected to "to what extent do you agree or disagree." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "those with the primarily asthma making their diseases more seriously," which should be "those with primarily asthma make their diseases more serious." Punctuation errors include missing commas, such as in "in the crowded places since it leads to health issues," where a comma before "since" would clarify the sentence structure.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. It would be beneficial to review rules regarding the use of commas, especially in complex sentences. Practicing sentence diagramming could help the writer visualize sentence structures and ensure they are correctly formed. Additionally, reading more academic texts can provide examples of proper grammar and punctuation in context.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many governments have recently attempted to establish laws banning smoking in public areas. In my view, smoking should be prohibited in crowded places since it leads to health issues, financial waste, and is harmful to the surrounding environment.

The first reason for my agreement is the health problems caused by smoking. Regular smokers often suffer from respiratory diseases such as sore throats, lung cancer, or asthma, making their conditions more severe. These diseases not only affect individuals’ health but also place a burden on their families or relatives who are responsible for caring for them.

The second reason that smoking should be banned is the waste of money. It is estimated that a person who smokes one pack of cigarettes daily spends 25,000 dong. This means approximately 800,000 dong per month is wasted on smoking, which is equivalent to the school fees for one primary school student. Therefore, if individuals stop smoking, they can spend this amount of money on their children’s education.

The last reason for the government to ban smoking is that it is harmful to the surrounding environment. Individuals who smoke in public places release poisonous substances into the air that affect the health of those around them.

In conclusion, governments have enacted laws prohibiting smoking in public places. In my opinion, smoking should be restricted in crowded areas to protect people’s well-being and create a cleaner environment for everyone.