In recent years, the family structure and the role of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?

Recently, the structure of a family as well as the role of family members steadily experienced a lot of changes. The nuclear family is substituting for extended family in the past while the family responsibility is shared between husband and wife. In my point of view, the advantages of those changes seem to outweigh their disadvantages.
Indeed, the popularity of the nuclear family is significantly increasing and this shift can be resulted from many reasons. Industrialization is considered to be one of the main contributors when it is likely that a large figure of the young decide to marry and settle in the city to develop their career path whereas their parents are still living in their hometown. In addition, gender roles in a family are upheaval when the family responsibility, including financial burden and housework, is shared equally. The women have their careers to earn money and the men have a responsibility to help their wives do housework and take care of offspring. It is opposite to the past, where earning is the burden on the shoulders of the men and the women stay at home, and take care of all family members.
I believe these changes are positive personally when they have contributed to the development of society due to several benefits. With regard to the nuclear family, it can avoid the potential problems of the generation gap, which causes inconveniences in daily life. For instance, it is unpleasant for both generations when the old value tranquility while the children are always making noises and crying. In addition, equality in family responsibility plays a crucial role in keeping the balance between men and women, which is raising the value of Vietnamese women. This shift contributes to building the sustainable happiness of each family and reduces the rate of divorces.
In conclusion, both the family structure and gender roles are perhaps changing in a positive way, which creates valuable advantages and modernizes universal human development.

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Errors and Improvements:

"steadily experienced a lot of changes" -> "have undergone significant changes"
Explanation: The phrase "have undergone significant changes" is more precise and academically formal than "steadily experienced a lot of changes," which sounds informal and vague.
"substituting for" -> "replacing"
Explanation: "Replacing" is a more direct and academically appropriate term than "substituting for," which can be considered too informal in this context.
"In my point of view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, compared to the more conversational "In my point of view."
"this shift can be resulted from many reasons" -> "this shift can be attributed to numerous factors"
Explanation: "Can be attributed to numerous factors" is more precise and formal, improving the sentence’s clarity and academic tone compared to "can be resulted from many reasons."
"a large figure of the young" -> "a significant number of young people"
Explanation: "A significant number of young people" is more specific and formally appropriate than "a large figure of the young," which is vague and informal.
"upheaval" -> "undergoing significant changes"
Explanation: The term "upheaval" is somewhat dramatic and less specific than "undergoing significant changes," which clearly describes the transformation in a formal academic context.
"the women have their careers to earn money and the men have a responsibility to help their wives do housework and take care of offspring" -> "women pursue careers to contribute financially, while men share in domestic responsibilities, including housework and childcare"
Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and uses formal language (e.g., "contribute financially" and "share in domestic responsibilities, including housework and childcare") to describe the roles more accurately and respectfully.
"It is opposite to the past" -> "This contrasts with the past"
Explanation: "This contrasts with the past" is a more formal way to introduce a comparison, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"personally when they have contributed" -> "as they contribute"
Explanation: Removing "personally" and changing "have contributed" to "contribute" simplifies and formalizes the sentence, making it more direct and suitable for academic writing.
"raising the value of Vietnamese women" -> "elevating the status of women in Vietnam"
Explanation: "Elevating the status of women in Vietnam" is more specific and academically formal, avoiding the potentially simplistic and vague "raising the value."
"sustainable happiness" -> "long-term well-being"
Explanation: "Long-term well-being" is a more precise and formal term than "sustainable happiness," which can sound overly simplistic and less academic.
"modernizes universal human development" -> "advances global human development"
Explanation: "Advances global human development" is more specific and academically appropriate, avoiding the somewhat vague and less formal "modernizes universal human development."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the question by discussing various changes in family structure and roles of family members. It identifies the shift from extended to nuclear families and the evolving gender roles within families. The stance on whether these changes are positive or negative is clearly stated.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure each point is elaborated upon with more depth and clarity. Consider providing specific examples or data to support assertions about the benefits of these changes and their impact on society.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout, asserting that the changes in family structure and gender roles are positive. This stance is consistently maintained and supported with reasoning.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, provide stronger transitions between ideas and ensure each paragraph directly supports the overall argument. Additionally, anticipate and address potential counterarguments to bolster the persuasive power of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented adequately, but there is room for improvement in extending and supporting them. While the essay introduces reasons for the changes in family structure and roles, it lacks depth in elaborating on the consequences and societal impacts.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing more examples, explanations, or real-life scenarios to illustrate their significance. Incorporating relevant statistics or research findings can also add credibility and depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing changes in family structure and roles as prompted. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper, such as the brief mention of "Vietnamese women" without a clear link to the broader discussion.
- How to improve: Ensure that all points made directly relate to the main topic of changing family structures and roles. Avoid tangents or vague references that may distract from the central argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more comprehensive explanations and supporting evidence. Strengthening the depth of analysis and ensuring tighter focus on the topic will enhance the overall coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically, with discernible introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are areas where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the shift towards nuclear families and the changing gender roles is somewhat abrupt. The essay could benefit from smoother transitions to enhance the coherence of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing smoother transitions between ideas. For instance, before delving into the discussion of gender roles, briefly summarize the reasons behind the increasing popularity of nuclear families. This would help readers follow the progression of your argument more easily.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph addresses a specific point, such as the shift towards nuclear families and changing gender roles. However, some paragraphs could be more developed to fully explore the ideas presented.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph is fully developed with supporting details and examples. For instance, in the paragraph discussing the advantages of nuclear families, expand upon the potential problems of the generation gap and provide additional examples to bolster your argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "indeed," "in addition," "in conclusion"), to connect ideas and create coherence. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions and clearer connections between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), synonyms, and parallel structures. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure they effectively connect ideas and improve overall coherence. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "In addition," vary sentence structures for better flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a generally coherent and cohesive structure, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of smoother transitions, paragraph development, and diversification of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, you can enhance the logical organization and cohesion of your essay, leading to a more cohesive and compelling argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with terms such as "nuclear family," "extended family," "industrialization," and "generation gap" accurately reflecting the topic of family structure changes. However, the vocabulary range is limited by occasional repetition ("changes," "family," "responsibility") and the use of more general terms where specific ones might have offered deeper insight or precision.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider integrating synonyms and more specific terms related to the topic. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "changes," variations like "transformations," "evolutions," or "shifts" could provide nuance. Additionally, incorporating terminology specific to sociological discussions on family structures (e.g., "matrifocal family," "cohabitation," "dual-earner households") could enrich the essay’s lexical diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mixture of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "upheaval" is used to describe changes in gender roles, which might be considered an overly dramatic term for the context. On the other hand, "nuclear family" and "extended family" are used appropriately to distinguish between family types. Some phrases could be made more precise or accurate, such as "the popularity of the nuclear family is significantly increasing," which could be clarified as "the prevalence of nuclear families is steadily increasing."
- How to improve: Focus on selecting the most appropriate words to convey your thoughts. For instance, instead of saying "upheaval" to describe changes in gender roles, a more precise term might be "restructuring" or "rebalancing." Use tools like thesauruses to find the most fitting words and consider the connotations of each word to ensure they accurately reflect your intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with most words spelled correctly. This reflects a good command of written English, contributing positively to the readability of the essay. However, ensuring perfect spelling is crucial for reaching higher band scores.
- How to improve: Continue practicing spelling, especially for less common or more complex terms that are relevant to your essay topics. Utilizing spelling check tools can be helpful, but also engage in exercises like writing out difficult words by hand, which can reinforce correct spelling. Reading widely in English can also expose you to correct spellings within a rich contextual framework, further improving your spelling skills over time.

The essay achieves a band score of 6 in Lexical Resource because it demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary with some range and precision, alongside accurate spelling. However, to reach a higher score, the essay could benefit from a broader vocabulary range, more precise word choice, and the integration of specific, relevant terms that offer depth and clarity to the discussion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use a variety of sentence types to convey ideas effectively. For example, simple sentences are used for straightforward statements, compound sentences to connect related ideas, and complex sentences to express more intricate relationships between concepts. However, some structures are repeated, and there is room for further diversification to enhance the overall richness and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness of the essay, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce more complex sentence constructions, such as those involving subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases, to add depth and sophistication to your writing. Varying the length and complexity of sentences will engage the reader and create a more dynamic narrative flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a fairly good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the family responsibility, including financial burden and housework, is shared equally"), incorrect word choice ("upheaval" instead of "upheaval"), and minor punctuation errors (missing commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences). While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they detract from the overall clarity and precision of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is essential to pay close attention to sentence structure and mechanics. Reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly those related to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage, can help address common errors. Additionally, consider proofreading your writing carefully to identify and correct any grammatical or punctuation mistakes before finalizing your essay. Seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also be beneficial in identifying areas for improvement and refining your writing skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, the structure of families and the roles of their members have undergone significant changes. The nuclear family is replacing the extended family of the past, and responsibilities within families are now shared between husbands and wives. From my perspective, these changes bring more advantages than disadvantages.

Indeed, the rise of the nuclear family is notable, and this shift can be attributed to numerous factors. Industrialization is a key driver, as many young people now choose to marry and settle in urban areas to pursue their careers, while their parents remain in their hometowns. Moreover, gender roles within families are evolving, with both spouses sharing financial burdens and household chores. Unlike in the past, where men solely shouldered the financial burden while women tended to domestic duties, this modern approach fosters equality within households.

I believe these changes are positive overall, as they contribute to societal development in several ways. The nuclear family structure helps mitigate potential issues stemming from generational gaps, improving daily life for all members. For example, conflicts arising from differing values between older and younger generations can be minimized. Additionally, the equal sharing of family responsibilities is instrumental in maintaining gender balance, thereby elevating the status of women in Vietnam. This shift fosters sustainable family happiness and reduces divorce rates.

In conclusion, the evolving family structure and gender roles are yielding positive outcomes, providing significant benefits and advancing global human development.