In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city. Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.
In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city.
Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.
There has been much controversy about whether living far from home during the time of studying at university brings more positives and drawbacks. In this essay, I would evaluate some diffirent aspect before say that the benefits overcome the disadvantages.
On the one hand, there are some benefits associated with living away from home during university to improve student’autonomy and student’independent without their family. When they are still child and at home, parents always be the one who worries about doing the household, earning money to provide for family and many things of their life together. But if children grow up and go to the another city, they must take care of themself. So, they can learn how to live alone and have more new skills which is so helpful for their life. For example, I didn’t know how to cook a basic meal before I am fresh man.
However, I firmly believe that there are disadvantages of this point of view. The clearly downside of living away from home during university is that it can be made the decline of family affection. When student go to university, they don’t have any time to come back home and meet their family. Everypeople specially when they don’t have opportunity to meet face to face, this defenitely makes mental and physical distance.
In conclusion, after dicussing about the positive and negative of living away from home during university, I suppose that the advantages outweigh the negative aspects. Lastly, student need improve themself and focus on studying beside caring about family.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"There has been much controversy" -> "There has been considerable controversy"
Explanation: "Considerable" is a more precise and formal term than "much," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing. -
"diffirent aspect" -> "different aspects"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and uses the plural form "aspects" to match the plural context of the sentence. -
"before say that the benefits overcome the disadvantages" -> "before concluding that the benefits outweigh the disadvantages"
Explanation: "Concluding" is more appropriate in academic writing than "before say," which is informal and lacks clarity. "Outweigh" is also more precise than "overcome" in this context. -
"student’autonomy" -> "students’ autonomy"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form to "students’" to match the plural subject "students." -
"student’independent" -> "students’ independence"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form to "students’" and uses the noun "independence" to maintain grammatical accuracy and clarity. -
"always be the one who worries about" -> "always worry about"
Explanation: Simplifies and clarifies the phrase, removing redundancy and enhancing formality. -
"many things of their life together" -> "various aspects of their lives"
Explanation: "Various aspects of their lives" is more specific and formal than "many things of their life together," which is vague and informal. -
"fresh man" -> "young adult"
Explanation: "Fresh man" is an informal and unclear term; "young adult" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"The clearly downside" -> "a clear disadvantage"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and uses "disadvantage" to maintain a formal tone. -
"made the decline of family affection" -> "lead to a decline in family affection"
Explanation: "Lead to" is more accurate and formal than "made," and "a decline in" is grammatically correct. -
"Everypeople" -> "Everyone"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error. -
"defenitely" -> "definitely"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error. -
"after dicussing" -> "after discussing"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error. -
"the positive and negative of living away from home" -> "the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home"
Explanation: "Advantages and disadvantages" are more specific and formal terms than "positive and negative." -
"student need improve themself" -> "students need to improve themselves"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive form and verb tense to match the plural subject "students" and the imperative mood. -
"beside caring about family" -> "while also caring for their families"
Explanation: "While also caring for their families" is more formal and grammatically correct than "beside caring about family," which is awkward and informal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the benefits and disadvantages of living away from home during university. The introduction clearly states that the author believes the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. However, the exploration of disadvantages is somewhat limited and lacks depth. For instance, while the essay mentions the decline of family affection, it does not elaborate on how this affects students’ academic performance or emotional well-being. The examples provided are personal but could be more varied to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should aim to provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the disadvantages with specific examples and explanations. Including statistics or studies on student well-being when living away from home could add credibility. Additionally, addressing any potential counterarguments would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages. However, the clarity of this position could be improved. The transition between discussing benefits and disadvantages is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse readers about the author’s stance. Phrases like "I firmly believe" help assert the position but could be more effectively integrated into the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the author should use clearer transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, explicitly stating "While there are disadvantages, I believe the benefits are more significant because…" would help maintain a consistent thread throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the benefits of independence and autonomy gained from living away from home. However, these ideas are not fully developed. The example of learning to cook is relevant but lacks detail and connection to broader life skills. The disadvantages mentioned are also underdeveloped, with limited support or examples provided.
- How to improve: The author should aim to expand on each point made. For instance, when discussing the benefits, they could include examples of specific skills learned, such as budgeting or time management. For the disadvantages, exploring emotional impacts or academic challenges faced by students living away from home would provide a more rounded argument. Using more varied examples, including personal anecdotes, would also enhance the essay.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the pros and cons of living away from home during university. However, there are moments where the writing veers slightly off-topic, particularly in the conclusion, where the focus shifts to students needing to improve themselves without a clear connection to the main argument about living arrangements.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all parts of the essay directly relate back to the central question of whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. The conclusion should summarize the main points discussed rather than introduce new ideas. A clearer restatement of the main argument in the conclusion would reinforce the essay’s focus.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from deeper exploration of ideas, more structured transitions, and a tighter focus on the prompt throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits and drawbacks of living away from home while studying at university. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are generally organized to address both sides of the argument. However, the transition between the benefits and disadvantages could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing benefits to disadvantages feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer linking sentence that signals this transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to connect contrasting ideas more effectively. Additionally, structuring the essay with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. The first paragraph discusses the benefits, while the second addresses the disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. For example, the first paragraph could include more specific examples or explanations to fully illustrate the benefits of living away from home. The second paragraph, while it mentions a disadvantage, lacks depth and could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by specific examples and explanations. Aim for a more balanced approach by dedicating similar lengths and detail to both the benefits and disadvantages. This not only strengthens the argument but also enhances clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "however" and "for example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the clearly downside" is awkward and could be better articulated to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "consequently," and "therefore." This will help to create a more sophisticated and fluid narrative. Additionally, revising awkward phrases for clarity will improve overall coherence.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph development, and the use of cohesive devices. Focusing on these aspects will help elevate the overall quality of the writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "controversy," "positives," "drawbacks," and "autonomy." However, the range is somewhat limited, and certain phrases are repeated or overly simplistic. For instance, the phrase "living away from home during university" is used multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "living away from home," alternatives like "residing independently" or "studying in a different city" could be employed. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "independence," "self-sufficiency," or "emotional bonds," would elevate the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the benefits overcome the disadvantages," which could be more accurately expressed as "the benefits outweigh the disadvantages." Additionally, phrases like "the decline of family affection" could be more precisely articulated as "diminished family connections" to convey the intended meaning more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. It is advisable to review vocabulary in context to ensure that the chosen words convey the intended meaning. Utilizing resources like thesauruses or vocabulary lists can help in selecting the most appropriate terms. Furthermore, practicing paraphrasing sentences can aid in developing a more precise vocabulary.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "diffirent" (different), "student’autonomy" (student autonomy), "themself" (themselves), "Everypeople" (Everyone), "defenitely" (definitely), and "dicussing" (discussing). These errors can distract the reader and detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading of their work, either independently or with the help of tools like spell checkers. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Reading more extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at variety in sentence structures, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "there are some benefits associated with living away from home" and "the clearly downside of living away from home during university" show basic structure but lack complexity. The use of phrases such as "I firmly believe that" and "in conclusion" indicates an attempt to vary sentence openings, but the overall range remains limited.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "When student go to university, they don’t have any time to come back home," a more complex structure could be, "Although students may wish to return home, their academic commitments often prevent them from doing so." Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can also add variety. Practicing sentence transformation exercises can help in this regard.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "student’autonomy and student’independent" should be "student autonomy and independence," indicating incorrect word forms and punctuation. The phrase "parents always be the one who worries" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "parents are always the ones who worry." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "student go to university" instead of "students go to university." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect apostrophe usage, further hinder readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles and plural forms. Regular grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, would be beneficial. For punctuation, reviewing the rules for commas and apostrophes, and practicing their application in sentences can help. Reading more academic essays can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation in context, which can be emulated in the writer’s own work.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on complex sentence structures and correcting grammatical and punctuation errors will enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
There has been considerable controversy regarding whether living away from home while studying at university brings more benefits or drawbacks. In this essay, I will evaluate different aspects before concluding that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
On the one hand, there are several benefits associated with living away from home during university, particularly in terms of improving students’ autonomy and independence. When they are still children and living at home, parents are often the ones who worry about household responsibilities, earning money to support the family, and various aspects of their lives together. However, when young adults move to another city for their studies, they must take care of themselves. This experience allows them to learn how to live independently and acquire new skills that are incredibly helpful for their future. For example, I didn’t know how to cook a basic meal before I became a freshman.
However, I firmly believe that there are disadvantages to this perspective. A clear disadvantage of living away from home during university is that it can lead to a decline in family affection. When students go to university, they often do not have the time to return home and meet their families. Everyone, especially when they lack the opportunity to meet face to face, can feel a significant emotional distance. This definitely affects their mental and physical well-being.
In conclusion, after discussing the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home during university, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Ultimately, students need to improve themselves and focus on their studies while also caring for their families.
