In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough
What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Nowadays, there are an array of children who are taught that they have to try their best to get any achievement. While there are many opinions about this trend, this essay will talk about its pros and cons before drawing a definite conclusion.
On the one hand, teaching kids to make an effort can provide them numerous benefits, the most prominent advantage is encouraging resilience.Let a child know that they can satisfy their desire by trying hard will make kids have a sense of self-motivation. They will think about the good result in the future to make more effort that leads to the improvement of some qualities such as persistence, independence and resilience which are the foundation elements of their success in the future. Another upside is promoting ambition, when children have a belief that they can get anything if they try hard enough, they will set an objective and plans for effort. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo is an example of this trend, he is not considered as a gifted football player but he always believes that his dream to become the best footballer can come true by consistent effort, this mindset made him reach today’s achievements.

On the other hand, teaching children to make an effort also has some potential disadvantages such as excessive effort. The method to convey this idea to their children by some parents can be incorrect, leading to the consequence that children always have to try hard and don’t have a sense of enough, that directly affects their physical and mental health. To illustrate, many parents in China force their children to study for a long time because of the career prospect desire that makes their children feel stressed and might suffer from depression. Additionally, unrealistic expectations can arise via this method.Kids will set a higher objective than their potential because of the belief that they can have anything by effort and when faced with the reality they might have some negative emotion such as upset, self-disappointed.

To sum up , telling kids to make an effort to get their desire can provide some benefits such as encouraging resilience, promoting ambition and still have some drawbacks like excessive effort and unrealistic expectations.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

2. "an array of children" -> "a significant number of children"
   Explanation: "A significant number of" is more specific and formal than "an array of," which is vague and less commonly used in academic contexts.

3. "have to try their best to get any achievement" -> "must strive to achieve any goal"
   Explanation: "Must strive to achieve any goal" is more precise and formal, replacing the informal "have to try their best to get any achievement."

4. "this essay will talk about" -> "this essay will discuss"
   Explanation: "Discuss" is more academically appropriate than "talk about," which is too conversational for formal writing.

5. "drawing a definite conclusion" -> "reaching a definitive conclusion"
   Explanation: "Reaching a definitive conclusion" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better than "drawing a definite conclusion."

6. "Let a child know that they can satisfy their desire by trying hard" -> "Inform children that they can fulfill their desires through effort"
   Explanation: "Inform children" is more formal than "Let a child know," and "fulfill their desires through effort" is more precise and formal than "satisfy their desire by trying hard."

7. "make kids have a sense of self-motivation" -> "instill a sense of self-motivation in children"
   Explanation: "Instill" is a more formal verb than "make," and "in children" is more appropriate than "in kids."

8. "the good result in the future" -> "favorable outcomes in the future"
   Explanation: "Favorable outcomes" is a more formal and precise term than "the good result."

9. "make more effort" -> "exert additional effort"
   Explanation: "Exert additional effort" is more formal and specific than "make more effort."

10. "the foundation elements" -> "the fundamental elements"
    Explanation: "Fundamental" is more academically precise than "foundation," which is less commonly used in this context.

11. "promoting ambition" -> "fostering ambition"
    Explanation: "Fostering" is a more formal and precise term than "promoting" in this context.

12. "he is not considered as a gifted football player" -> "he is not regarded as a naturally gifted footballer"
    Explanation: "Regarded as" is more formal than "considered as," and "naturally gifted" is more precise in describing innate ability.

13. "always believes that his dream to become the best footballer" -> "consistently believes that his aspiration to become the best footballer"
    Explanation: "Consistently" is more formal than "always," and "aspiration" is a more formal synonym for "dream."

14. "The method to convey this idea to their children" -> "The approach used to convey this idea to their children"
    Explanation: "The approach used" is more formal and specific than "The method to convey."

15. "don’t have a sense of enough" -> "lack a sense of satisfaction"
    Explanation: "Lack a sense of satisfaction" is more formal and precise than "don’t have a sense of enough," which is colloquial and vague.

16. "might suffer from depression" -> "may experience depression"
    Explanation: "May experience" is a more formal and less speculative phrase than "might suffer from."

17. "unrealistic expectations can arise via this method" -> "unrealistic expectations may arise through this approach"
    Explanation: "May arise through this approach" is more formal and precise than "can arise via this method."

18. "kids will set a higher objective" -> "children may set higher objectives"
    Explanation: "Children may set higher objectives" is more formal and avoids the informal "kids."

19. "they might have some negative emotion" -> "they may experience negative emotions"
    Explanation: "May experience negative emotions" is more formal and accurate than "might have some negative emotion."

20. "To sum up" -> "In conclusion"
    Explanation: "In conclusion" is a more formal academic transition than "To sum up."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of the message that children can achieve anything through hard work. The author presents a clear structure, with distinct sections dedicated to the pros and cons. For instance, the advantages discussed include resilience and ambition, while the disadvantages cover excessive effort and unrealistic expectations. Each point is relevant to the prompt, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the advantages and disadvantages. For example, after discussing resilience, the author could briefly mention how this quality might lead to excessive effort if not balanced. Additionally, providing more specific examples or case studies could strengthen the argument and make it more relatable.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, indicating that while there are benefits to encouraging hard work, there are also significant drawbacks. The use of phrases like "this essay will talk about its pros and cons" sets the expectation for a balanced discussion. However, the conclusion could be clearer in summarizing the author’s stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should explicitly state their overall position in the conclusion. A sentence summarizing whether they believe the message is ultimately beneficial or harmful would provide a stronger closure and reinforce the essay’s argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, particularly in the advantages section, where the author effectively supports the claims with examples, such as the reference to Cristiano Ronaldo. This example illustrates the point about ambition and hard work well. However, the disadvantages section could be more thoroughly developed, as the examples provided are somewhat general and could benefit from more detailed explanations or additional supporting evidence.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide more specific examples or anecdotes, particularly in the disadvantages section. For instance, discussing a specific case of a child who faced negative consequences due to excessive pressure could make the argument more compelling. Additionally, elaborating on how unrealistic expectations manifest in children’s lives would provide a deeper understanding of the issue.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the prompt directly without straying into unrelated areas. The structure is logical, with clear transitions between the advantages and disadvantages. However, there are a few instances where the language could be more precise, such as the phrase "an array of children," which might confuse readers about the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the author should ensure that all language used is precise and directly relevant to the topic. Avoiding vague phrases and opting for clearer expressions will help in maintaining the reader’s understanding. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any potential ambiguities or unclear references will strengthen the overall coherence of the argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in clarity, depth of examples, and explicit positioning, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs (one for advantages and one for disadvantages), and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" is used effectively, but the connection between the two sides could be more explicitly stated to enhance the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider adding transitional phrases that summarize the previous point before moving to the next. For instance, after discussing the advantages, a sentence like "While these benefits are significant, it is also crucial to consider the potential downsides" could provide a clearer transition.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph contains a main idea supported by examples, which is a strength. However, the first body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main point of the paragraph. The current topic sentence is somewhat vague and could be more direct in outlining the advantages.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly reflect the main idea. For example, instead of starting with "teaching kids to make an effort can provide them numerous benefits," consider rephrasing it to "One significant advantage of teaching children to make an effort is that it encourages resilience." This would provide a clearer focus for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("while," "but") and referencing ("this mindset"). However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied expressions to link ideas and paragraphs. For instance, the use of phrases like "in addition," "furthermore," or "conversely" could enhance the flow between sentences and ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, when introducing the disadvantages, instead of simply using "On the other hand," you could say "Conversely, there are also potential drawbacks to this mindset." This would not only improve coherence but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of language.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a balanced view of the advantages and disadvantages of teaching children the value of effort. By enhancing transitions, strengthening topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "resilience," "self-motivation," "ambition," and "excessive effort." However, the use of phrases like "an array of children" and "the method to convey this idea" suggests a somewhat limited range. For instance, "an array of children" could be more effectively expressed as "a significant number of children" or "many children," which would enhance clarity and precision.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more varied synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of repeating "effort," consider using alternatives like "endeavor," "strive," or "exertion." Additionally, including idiomatic expressions or more sophisticated phrases could elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "have a sense of enough" is awkward and unclear; a more precise expression would be "have a sense of sufficiency." Furthermore, "the consequence that children always have to try hard and don’t have a sense of enough" could be rephrased for clarity, as it currently lacks precision in conveying the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their ideas. This could involve revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that word choices convey the intended meaning without ambiguity. Engaging with a thesaurus to find more precise terms can also be beneficial.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, the phrase "that leads to the improvement of some qualities such as persistence, independence and resilience which are the foundation elements of their success in the future" contains a missing comma before "which," which can lead to confusion in reading. Additionally, "self-disappointed" should be corrected to "self-disappointment" for grammatical accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying particular attention to punctuation and grammatical structures. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also help identify errors before submission. Regular practice with spelling exercises and reading extensively can further improve overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex structures is evident in sentences like "Let a child know that they can satisfy their desire by trying hard will make kids have a sense of self-motivation." However, there are instances where the sentence construction could be clearer or more varied. For example, the phrase "the most prominent advantage is encouraging resilience" could be rephrased for better flow and complexity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or use different sentence openings. For example, instead of starting with "On the one hand," the writer could begin with a dependent clause: "While there are many advantages, one significant benefit is…" This would not only improve the flow but also demonstrate a greater range of grammatical structures.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "an array of children who are taught that they have to try their best to get any achievement" is awkwardly constructed and could be simplified to "many children are taught that they must try their best to achieve their goals." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the missing comma in "To sum up , telling kids to make an effort," detract from the overall quality. The use of articles is also inconsistent, as seen in "the foundation elements" which could be simplified to "the foundational elements."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in sentence structure and punctuation. Practicing sentence simplification and ensuring that commas are used correctly will enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing subject-verb agreement and article usage can help avoid awkward constructions. For example, revising "the consequence that children always have to try hard and don’t have a sense of enough" to "the consequence that children always feel the need to try hard without recognizing when enough is enough" would improve both clarity and grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on sentence variety and grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, there are a significant number of children who are taught that they must strive to achieve any goal through hard work. While there are many opinions about this trend, this essay will discuss its pros and cons before reaching a definitive conclusion.

On the one hand, teaching kids to make an effort can provide them with numerous benefits. The most prominent advantage is encouraging resilience. Informing a child that they can fulfill their desires through effort will instill a sense of self-motivation in them. They will think about the favorable outcomes in the future, which will lead them to exert additional effort, improving qualities such as persistence, independence, and resilience—fundamental elements of their success. Another upside is fostering ambition. When children believe that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough, they will set objectives and plans for their efforts. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo exemplifies this trend; he is not regarded as a naturally gifted footballer, but he consistently believes that his aspiration to become the best footballer can come true through consistent effort. This mindset has helped him reach today’s achievements.

On the other hand, teaching children to make an effort also has some potential disadvantages, such as excessive effort. The approach used to convey this idea to their children by some parents can be incorrect, leading to the consequence that children always feel they must try hard and lack a sense of satisfaction. This directly affects their physical and mental health. To illustrate, many parents in China force their children to study for long hours due to career prospects, which makes their children feel stressed and may lead to depression. Additionally, unrealistic expectations may arise through this approach. Kids may set higher objectives than their potential allows because of the belief that they can achieve anything through effort. When faced with reality, they may experience negative emotions such as disappointment and frustration.

In conclusion, telling kids to make an effort to achieve their desires can provide benefits such as encouraging resilience and promoting ambition, but it also has drawbacks like excessive effort and unrealistic expectations.