In some parts of the world, many famous people are regarded as role models and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is that a positive or negative development?

In some parts of the world, many famous people are regarded as role models and they are having an increasing influence on the young.
Is that a positive or negative development?

These days, many famous people are seen as role models for young people. While this can provide inspiration and motivation, it can also lead to a loss of individuality. This essay will explore the advantages and disadvantages of both approaches.
On the one hand, having role models can be a good thing. Many young people who are uncertain about their future can learn from the experiences of famous people and find their own inspiration and motivation. This can encourage them to work hard to achieve success, just like their role models. For example, Hugh Jackman is a role model for many teenagers. His career has inspired many young people to pursue careers in acting and entrepreneurship. So, this can be a good thing.
On the other hand, there are negative aspects to this trend. First, it can result in a loss of traditional cultural values, as many young people want to emulate Korean or American pop stars. Secondly, it can lead to a loss of individuality, as some young people try to adopt the same personalities as their role models. Thirdly, some celebrities may promote unhealthy behaviors and unrealistic standards, which can lead to low self-esteem and poor decision-making. For example, the number of people getting plastic surgery has increased since 2017, following promotions by celebrities. So, the influence that celebrities have on young people can have various negative effects.
In conclusion, while many famous people are seen as role models, their influence can have negative effects, such as causing a loss of individuality and cultural values. However, their influence can also be positive by inspiring and promoting personal growth.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "These days" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator than "These days," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in an academic context.

2. "seen as role models" -> "perceived as role models"
   Explanation: "Perceived as" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "seen as," which is slightly informal and less precise.

3. "can provide inspiration and motivation" -> "can serve as a source of inspiration and motivation"
   Explanation: "Serve as a source of" is a more formal and precise way to describe the role of role models, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

4. "can also lead to a loss of individuality" -> "may also result in a diminution of individuality"
   Explanation: "May also result in a diminution of" is more formal and precise, replacing the simpler and less formal "can also lead to a loss of."

5. "Many young people who are uncertain about their future" -> "Numerous young individuals uncertain about their future"
   Explanation: "Numerous young individuals" is more formal and precise than "Many young people," and removing "who are" improves the flow of the sentence.

6. "just like their role models" -> "similarly to their role models"
   Explanation: "Similarly to" is more formal and academically appropriate than "just like," which is colloquial.

7. "Hugh Jackman is a role model for many teenagers" -> "Hugh Jackman serves as a role model for numerous teenagers"
   Explanation: "Serves as a role model" is more formal and precise than "is a role model," and "numerous" is preferred over "many" for a more formal tone.

8. "can result in a loss of traditional cultural values" -> "may lead to the erosion of traditional cultural values"
   Explanation: "May lead to the erosion of" is a more precise and formal expression than "can result in a loss of," and "erosion" is a more academic term than "loss."

9. "want to emulate Korean or American pop stars" -> "aspire to emulate Korean or American pop stars"
   Explanation: "Aspire to emulate" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "want to emulate."

10. "some young people try to adopt the same personalities as their role models" -> "some young individuals attempt to emulate the personalities of their role models"
    Explanation: "Attempt to emulate" is more formal and precise than "try to adopt," and "individuals" is preferred over "young people" for a more formal tone.

11. "celebrities may promote unhealthy behaviors and unrealistic standards" -> "celebrities may advocate for unhealthy behaviors and unrealistic standards"
    Explanation: "Advocate for" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "promote," aligning better with academic style.

12. "can lead to low self-esteem and poor decision-making" -> "may contribute to low self-esteem and poor decision-making"
    Explanation: "May contribute to" is a more cautious and academically appropriate phrase than "can lead to," which is somewhat absolute.

13. "the number of people getting plastic surgery has increased" -> "the incidence of plastic surgery has increased"
    Explanation: "Incidence" is a more precise and formal term than "number of people getting," which is colloquial and vague.

14. "following promotions by celebrities" -> "following celebrity endorsements"
    Explanation: "Celebrity endorsements" is a more specific and formal term than "promotions by celebrities," which is somewhat vague and informal.

15. "their influence can have various negative effects" -> "their influence may have diverse adverse effects"
    Explanation: "May have diverse adverse effects" is more formal and precise than "can have various negative effects," aligning better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative influences of famous people as role models for the youth. The introduction clearly outlines that the essay will explore both sides, which is essential for a balanced response. The examples provided, such as Hugh Jackman as a positive role model and the influence of celebrities on behaviors like plastic surgery, illustrate the points well. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit statement regarding whether the overall influence is positive or negative, as the prompt asks for a clear stance.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion. For instance, they could indicate whether they believe the positive aspects outweigh the negatives or vice versa. Additionally, providing a more detailed analysis of the implications of these influences would strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally clear position, acknowledging both sides of the argument. However, the conclusion is somewhat ambiguous, as it does not firmly assert whether the author believes the influence of role models is ultimately positive or negative. This lack of clarity can leave the reader uncertain about the author’s stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently reinforce their viewpoint throughout the essay. They could use phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" to signal their stance more clearly. Additionally, reiterating their position in the conclusion with a definitive statement would help solidify their argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and supports them with examples. The discussion of Hugh Jackman as a role model and the negative impact of celebrity culture on self-esteem are pertinent and well-articulated. However, some points could be further developed. For instance, the mention of cultural values and individuality could benefit from deeper exploration and additional examples to illustrate these concepts more vividly.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on their points with more detailed explanations and additional examples. For instance, they could discuss specific cultural values that are being lost and provide statistics or studies that highlight the impact of celebrity culture on youth. This would enhance the depth and persuasiveness of their argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of famous people as role models and their influence on the youth. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and the points made are relevant to the prompt. However, the introduction could be more precise in framing the discussion around the implications of this influence rather than just stating that it will explore both sides.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the central question of whether this influence is positive or negative. They could include topic sentences that explicitly connect back to the prompt, reinforcing the relevance of each point made. This would help keep the essay tightly aligned with the task at hand.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. With some adjustments to clarify the position, deepen the analysis, and maintain focus, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is organized in a logical manner, presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the argument, and a concise conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, outlining the dual nature of the influence of role models on youth. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect—first discussing the positive influences and then addressing the negative consequences. This clear separation aids in understanding the argument. However, the transitions between points could be smoother, as the shift from positive to negative aspects feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that signal the shift between contrasting ideas more clearly. For instance, phrases like "Conversely," or "On the flip side," can help guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, integrating a brief summary sentence at the end of each paragraph could reinforce the main idea before transitioning to the next point.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific point. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses the positive aspects, and the third addresses the negatives, culminating in a conclusion. This structure is effective in maintaining clarity and focus. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more development, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the ideas could be expanded with additional examples or elaboration.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Following this, provide supporting details or examples that elaborate on the point being made. For instance, in the second body paragraph, you could include more examples of role models from different fields to illustrate the positive influence more comprehensively.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "On the other hand," and "For example," which help to connect ideas and provide clarity. These devices effectively guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to avoid repetition and enhance the sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "For example," you could use "To illustrate," or "A case in point is." Additionally, using conjunctions like "Furthermore," or "Moreover," can help to connect ideas within paragraphs more fluidly, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "inspiration," "motivation," "individuality," and "cultural values." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "role models" and "young people," which are used multiple times without variation. For instance, the phrase "can learn from the experiences of famous people" could be enhanced by using synonyms or related terms to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or paraphrasing. For example, instead of repeatedly using "role models," you could use "idols," "mentors," or "influencers." Additionally, varying the term "young people" with alternatives like "youth," "adolescents," or "teenagers" would enrich the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances where the precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "promote unhealthy behaviors and unrealistic standards" could be more specific by detailing what these behaviors and standards are. This would provide clearer context and enhance the argument’s strength. Furthermore, the term "traditional cultural values" could be elaborated upon to clarify which values are being referenced.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, aim to provide specific examples or definitions when using broad terms. For instance, instead of saying "unhealthy behaviors," you might specify "substance abuse" or "eating disorders." This not only clarifies your argument but also demonstrates a deeper understanding of the topic.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the text. Words like "individuality," "entrepreneurship," and "self-esteem" are spelled correctly, which indicates a solid grasp of spelling conventions. However, maintaining this accuracy throughout the essay is crucial for achieving a higher band score.
  • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing proofreading strategies. After completing the essay, take a moment to read through it carefully to catch any potential errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a wider range of synonyms, providing more specific vocabulary, and maintaining careful proofreading, the overall lexical resource can be significantly enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the writer effectively uses complex sentences such as "While this can provide inspiration and motivation, it can also lead to a loss of individuality." This showcases the ability to convey nuanced ideas. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and transitions to enhance flow and coherence. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" is effective, but the essay could incorporate additional transitional phrases to further diversify the structure.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to start sentences. For example, instead of consistently using "This can…" or "It can…", the writer might begin with an adverbial clause or a participial phrase, such as "Encouraged by their role models, many young people…" or "Despite the risks, many young individuals find inspiration in celebrities." Additionally, varying the length and complexity of sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The grammatical accuracy in the essay is generally strong, with few noticeable errors. The writer correctly uses subject-verb agreement and maintains consistent verb tenses throughout the essay. For example, the phrase "Many young people who are uncertain about their future can learn from the experiences of famous people" is grammatically sound. However, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "just like their role models" in the sentence "This can encourage them to work hard to achieve success, just like their role models." This could lead to slight confusion regarding the sentence’s structure.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to punctuation, particularly in complex sentences. Using commas to separate clauses can clarify meaning and improve readability. Additionally, reviewing common grammatical structures and practicing with exercises focused on complex sentences and punctuation rules can help solidify understanding. It may also be beneficial to read the essay aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or punctuation errors that might be overlooked during silent reading.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, achieving a Band 7 score. With focused efforts on diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, many famous people are perceived as role models for young individuals. While this can serve as a source of inspiration and motivation, it can also lead to a loss of individuality. This essay will explore the advantages and disadvantages of both perspectives.

On the one hand, having role models can be a positive thing. Numerous young individuals who are uncertain about their future can learn from the experiences of famous people and find their own inspiration and motivation. This can encourage them to work hard to achieve success, similarly to their role models. For example, Hugh Jackman serves as a role model for numerous teenagers. His career has inspired many young people to pursue careers in acting and entrepreneurship. Thus, this can be a beneficial influence.

On the other hand, there are negative aspects to this trend. First, it may lead to the erosion of traditional cultural values, as many young people aspire to emulate Korean or American pop stars. Secondly, it can result in a diminution of individuality, as some young individuals attempt to adopt the same personalities as their role models. Thirdly, some celebrities may advocate for unhealthy behaviors and unrealistic standards, which can contribute to low self-esteem and poor decision-making. For example, the incidence of plastic surgery has increased since 2017, following celebrity endorsements. Therefore, the influence that celebrities have on young people may have diverse adverse effects.

In conclusion, while many famous people are seen as role models, their influence can have negative effects, such as causing a loss of individuality and cultural values. However, their influence can also be positive by inspiring and promoting personal growth.