In the developed world, many countries are facing ageing population. What are some causes? Give some measures to reduce the impact of ageing populations?

In the developed era, many countries are facing aging population. There are some reason and solutions to reduce the impact of aging populations.

The word developed lead to development of medical services, this is promote “duy trì tuổi thọ” longer and longer. Many elderly had “bệnh” can be “chữa khỏi” by mordern services and devices. For example, in Japan people focus to protect their life and they did very well, so Japan had the proportion about older people go the first place in the words.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"developed era" -> "contemporary era"
Explanation: "Contemporary era" is a more precise and formal term that better captures the intended meaning of "the current time period."
"many countries are facing aging population" -> "many countries are confronting an aging population"
Explanation: The verb "confronting" is more appropriate in an academic context than "facing," as it implies a more active and intentional engagement with the issue of an aging population.
"There are some reason and solutions" -> "There are several reasons and solutions"
Explanation: "Several" is the correct plural form of "several," and it is more formal than "some" in academic writing.
"reduce the impact of aging populations" -> "mitigate the effects of aging populations"
Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more precise and formal term than "reduce" in this context, and "effects" is more specific than "impact."
"The word developed lead to development" -> "The term ‘developed’ leads to developments"
Explanation: "The term ‘developed’" is grammatically correct and more formal, and "developments" is the plural form needed to match "lead."
"this is promote" -> "this promotes"
Explanation: "This promotes" is grammatically correct and maintains the formal tone.
"duy trì tuổi thọ" -> "increased longevity"
Explanation: "Increased longevity" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than the Vietnamese phrase "duy trì tuổi thọ."
"had bệnh" -> "suffered from illnesses"
Explanation: "Suffered from illnesses" is more specific and formal than "had bệnh," which is vague and informal.
"chữa khỏi" -> "cured"
Explanation: "Cured" is a more precise and formal term than "chữa khỏi," which is a Vietnamese phrase that may not be universally understood.
"mordern services and devices" -> "modern medical services and devices"
Explanation: Adding "medical" clarifies the type of services and devices being referred to, enhancing specificity and formality.
"people focus to protect their life" -> "individuals focus on protecting their lives"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "on protecting their lives" is grammatically correct and more formal than "to protect their life."
"they did very well" -> "they have achieved significant success"
Explanation: "Have achieved significant success" is more formal and precise than "did very well," which is somewhat colloquial.
"the proportion about older people go the first place in the words" -> "the proportion of older individuals ranks first globally"
Explanation: "Ranks first globally" is more precise and formal than "go the first place in the words," which is awkward and unclear.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by mentioning the ageing population and hinting at causes related to medical advancements. However, it fails to explicitly outline multiple causes of the ageing population and does not provide a comprehensive list of measures to mitigate its impact. For instance, while it mentions medical services contributing to longevity, it does not discuss other factors such as declining birth rates or migration patterns. The solutions are also not clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should clearly identify and elaborate on at least two or three distinct causes of the ageing population, such as improved healthcare, lifestyle changes, and lower birth rates. Additionally, it should provide specific measures to address the challenges posed by an ageing population, such as policies to support elderly care, encourage higher birth rates, or promote immigration.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and consistent position. While it mentions the ageing population and hints at solutions, it does not present a definitive stance or argument throughout the text. Thetransition between discussing causes and solutions is abrupt, leading to confusion about the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help guide the reader and maintain focus. Additionally, a concluding statement summarizing the main points would enhance clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. For example, the mention of Japan’s healthcare system is vague and does not provide concrete evidence or examples that illustrate how this impacts the ageing population. The phrase "duy trì tuổi thọ" (maintaining longevity) is not explained in context, making it difficult for the reader to grasp its significance.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should provide specific examples and data to back up their claims. For instance, they could include statistics on life expectancy or discuss specific policies that have been implemented in countries facing ageing populations. Additionally, expanding on each point with explanations and implications would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the ageing population. However, the lack of depth in discussing causes and solutions leads to a superficial treatment of the subject. The use of non-English phrases without explanation also detracts from the overall coherence and clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all parts of the essay directly relate to the prompt. Avoiding non-English phrases or providing translations and explanations would enhance clarity. Additionally, structuring the essay with clear sections for causes and solutions would help maintain relevance and coherence throughout the text.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim to comprehensively address all parts of the prompt, maintain a clear position, develop and support ideas with specific examples, and ensure that the content remains focused and relevant to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a somewhat logical order, but the connections between sentences and paragraphs are often unclear. For instance, the transition from discussing medical advancements to the example of Japan lacks a clear link, making it difficult for readers to follow the argument. The introduction mentions "reason and solutions," but the body does not clearly separate these two aspects, leading to confusion about which points are causes and which are solutions.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should clearly outline the causes and solutions in separate paragraphs. A clear introduction stating the main points to be discussed can help guide the reader. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can clarify the focus of each section.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. While there is an attempt to create paragraphs, they do not follow a clear structure. For example, the first paragraph mixes causes and solutions without clear delineation, and the second paragraph does not develop a coherent argument, making it hard to identify the main ideas.
- How to improve: The writer should use distinct paragraphs for each main idea. For instance, one paragraph could focus solely on the causes of an aging population, while another could address potential solutions. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that states the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but they are limited and often incorrectly applied. Phrases like "for example" are used, but there is a lack of variety in the cohesive devices employed. Additionally, the transitions between sentences and ideas are often abrupt, which disrupts the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "consequently." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can also enhance their effectiveness in writing.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt, it requires significant improvements in organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. Phrases like "developed era," "aging population," and "medical services" are repeated without variation. The use of terms such as "duy trì tuổi thọ" and "bệnh" suggests an attempt to incorporate non-English phrases, but this detracts from the overall coherence and clarity of the essay. Additionally, the phrase "go the first place in the words" is awkward and unclear.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "aging population," you could alternate with "elderly demographic" or "senior citizens." Additionally, strive to incorporate more varied expressions related to healthcare advancements and societal impacts, such as "healthcare innovations" or "life expectancy."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. The phrase "this is promote" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The use of "duy trì tuổi thọ" and "bệnh" without translation may confuse readers unfamiliar with these terms. Furthermore, "go the first place in the words" is vague and does not accurately convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on using precise language that clearly conveys your ideas. For example, instead of "this is promote," you could say, "this promotes." When using terms from another language, always provide an English translation to ensure clarity. Additionally, revise vague phrases to be more specific, such as changing "go the first place in the words" to "has the highest proportion of elderly individuals in the world."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "mordern" instead of "modern" and "reason" instead of "reasons." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then review your work with fresh eyes. Utilize spell-check tools and consider reading the essay aloud to catch errors. Additionally, practice writing commonly misspelled words to reinforce correct spelling in your memory.

By addressing these areas of lexical resource, you can enhance the clarity, precision, and overall effectiveness of your writing, potentially improving your band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking the complexity that could enhance clarity and engagement. For example, the sentence "Many elderly had ‘bệnh’ can be ‘chữa khỏi’ by mordern services and devices" is awkwardly constructed and lacks proper conjunctions or relative clauses to connect ideas effectively. The use of phrases like "the word developed lead to development of medical services" indicates a reliance on basic structures without variation.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "Many elderly had ‘bệnh’ can be ‘chữa khỏi’," you could say, "Many elderly individuals who suffer from illnesses can be treated effectively with modern medical services." This not only improves the variety of structures but also enhances clarity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, the phrase "the word developed lead to development of medical services" should use "leads" instead of "lead" to agree with the singular subject "word." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, as seen in "this is promote ‘duy trì tuổi thọ’ longer and longer," which lacks necessary punctuation to separate clauses. Furthermore, the use of quotation marks for non-English phrases is inconsistent and may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of tenses. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for complex sentences, will aid in improving clarity. For instance, breaking up long sentences into shorter ones or using commas to separate clauses can significantly improve readability.

In summary, to elevate the band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, the essay should aim for a wider variety of sentence structures and greater grammatical precision. Regular practice and revision of grammatical rules will be beneficial in achieving these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, many countries are confronting an aging population. There are several reasons and solutions to reduce the impact of aging populations.

The term ‘developed’ leads to the development of medical services, which promotes increased longevity. Many elderly individuals who suffered from illnesses can be cured by modern medical services and devices. For example, in Japan, people focus on protecting their lives, and they have achieved significant success, so Japan has the highest proportion of older individuals globally.