In today’s fast-paced world, children increasingly engage in clubs and planned activities during their free time. While this trend offers numerous benefits, it also presents certain challenges. When youth participate in extracurricular activities, immerse themselves in a world of intriguing knowledge, which not only helps them learn from the diverse insights of those around them but also leads to a profound understanding of a subject. For instance, a visit to the museum offers an enriching opportunity for individuals to delve into the history of their own country and explore significant global events from ancient civilizations to the modern era. However, having excessive outdoor activities will divert students’ attention from their studies and significantly impact their overall learning experience. Additionally, these activities often encourage the young to leap out of their comfort zone, especially you faced with unfamiliar situations stimulate the brain to think differently, leading to creative solutions and ideas that can significantly impact your daily life and work. Besides, one of the primary advantages of involvement in clubs and organized activities is to improve communication, this is a great time to connect with people from diverse backgrounds, embracing a rainbow of skin colors and various regions worldwide.  By openly and respectfully engaging with individuals from diverse backgrounds, we bridge the gap. Nevertheless, in any situation, whether new or familiar, individuals may experience higher levels of stress and anxiety if they lack ability and preparation. From time to time, joining in some high-risk adventure activities has the ability of immediate or potential risk of harm, or injury. On the other hand, a different perspective on unfamiliar hobbies, regions, and customs can create challenges in understanding and communication, resulting in misunderstandings or inconveniences.

In today's fast-paced world, children increasingly engage in clubs and planned activities during their free time. While this trend offers numerous benefits, it also presents certain challenges.
When youth participate in extracurricular activities, immerse themselves in a world of intriguing knowledge, which not only helps them learn from the diverse insights of those around them but also leads to a profound understanding of a subject. For instance, a visit to the museum offers an enriching opportunity for individuals to delve into the history of their own country and explore significant global events from ancient civilizations to the modern era. However, having excessive outdoor activities will divert students' attention from their studies and significantly impact their overall learning experience.
Additionally, these activities often encourage the young to leap out of their comfort zone, especially you faced with unfamiliar situations stimulate the brain to think differently, leading to creative solutions and ideas that can significantly impact your daily life and work.
Besides, one of the primary advantages of involvement in clubs and organized activities is to improve communication, this is a great time to connect with people from diverse backgrounds, embracing a rainbow of skin colors and various regions worldwide.  By openly and respectfully engaging with individuals from diverse backgrounds, we bridge the gap. Nevertheless, in any situation, whether new or familiar, individuals may experience higher levels of stress and anxiety if they lack ability and preparation. From time to time, joining in some high-risk adventure activities has the ability of immediate or potential risk of harm, or injury. On the other hand, a different perspective on unfamiliar hobbies, regions, and customs can create challenges in understanding and communication, resulting in misunderstandings or inconveniences.

In today's fast-paced world, children increasingly engage in clubs and planned activities during their free time. While this trend offers numerous benefits, it also presents certain challenges.
When youth participate in extracurricular activities, immerse themselves in a world of intriguing knowledge, which not only helps them learn from the diverse insights of those around them but also leads to a profound understanding of a subject. For instance, a visit to the museum offers an enriching opportunity for individuals to delve into the history of their own country and explore significant global events from ancient civilizations to the modern era. However, having excessive outdoor activities will divert students' attention from their studies and significantly impact their overall learning experience.
Additionally, these activities often encourage the young to leap out of their comfort zone, especially you faced with unfamiliar situations stimulate the brain to think differently, leading to creative solutions and ideas that can significantly impact your daily life and work.
Besides, one of the primary advantages of involvement in clubs and organized activities is to improve communication, this is a great time to connect with people from diverse backgrounds, embracing a rainbow of skin colors and various regions worldwide.  By openly and respectfully engaging with individuals from diverse backgrounds, we bridge the gap. Nevertheless, in any situation, whether new or familiar, individuals may experience higher levels of stress and anxiety if they lack ability and preparation. From time to time, joining in some high-risk adventure activities has the ability of immediate or potential risk of harm, or injury. On the other hand, a different perspective on unfamiliar hobbies, regions, and customs can create challenges in understanding and communication, resulting in misunderstandings or inconveniences.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s fast-paced world" -> "In the contemporary fast-paced world"
   Explanation: Adding "the" before "contemporary" provides a more formal and precise term, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "children increasingly engage" -> "children are increasingly engaging"
   Explanation: Changing "engage" to "are engaging" corrects the verb tense to match the present continuous aspect, which is more appropriate for describing ongoing trends.

3. "planned activities" -> "organized activities"
   Explanation: "Organized" is a more specific and formal term than "planned," which is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe structured activities.

4. "immerse themselves" -> "immerse in"
   Explanation: Removing "themselves" corrects the prepositional phrase, making it grammatically correct and more formal.

5. "profound understanding" -> "deep understanding"
   Explanation: "Deep" is a more precise and academically appropriate adjective than "profound" in this context, as it suggests a thorough and extensive understanding.

6. "having excessive outdoor activities" -> "engaging in excessive outdoor activities"
   Explanation: "Engaging in" is a more precise and formal way to describe participation in activities, improving the sentence structure and clarity.

7. "divert students’ attention" -> "distract students from their studies"
   Explanation: "Distract" is a more specific verb that accurately conveys the negative impact on students’ focus, enhancing the precision of the statement.

8. "leap out of their comfort zone" -> "venture beyond their comfort zones"
   Explanation: "Venture beyond" is a more formal and precise phrase that better captures the idea of exploring new experiences, aligning with academic style.

9. "especially you faced with unfamiliar situations" -> "especially when faced with unfamiliar situations"
   Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error and rephrasing to "when faced with" improves the sentence structure and clarity.

10. "stimulate the brain to think differently" -> "stimulate the brain to think creatively"
    Explanation: "Think creatively" is a more specific and academically appropriate phrase than "think differently," which is vague and less formal.

11. "improve communication" -> "enhance communication"
    Explanation: "Enhance" is a more formal and precise term than "improve" in this context, fitting better in academic writing.

12. "embracing a rainbow of skin colors" -> "embracing a diverse range of skin tones"
    Explanation: "Diverse range of skin tones" is a more precise and respectful term than "rainbow of skin colors," which is overly casual and metaphorical.

13. "bridge the gap" -> "facilitate connections"
    Explanation: "Facilitate connections" is a more formal and precise way to describe the process of building relationships, suitable for academic writing.

14. "lack ability and preparation" -> "lack the necessary skills and preparation"
    Explanation: Adding "the necessary skills" clarifies the type of abilities being referred to, enhancing the specificity and formality of the statement.

15. "has the ability of immediate or potential risk of harm" -> "poses an immediate or potential risk of harm"
    Explanation: "Poses" is a more direct and formal verb than "has the ability of," which is awkward and unclear in this context.

16. "a different perspective on unfamiliar hobbies" -> "new perspectives on unfamiliar hobbies"
    Explanation: "New perspectives" is a more precise and formal way to describe the introduction of fresh viewpoints, aligning with academic style.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, making it more suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does a commendable job of addressing both the benefits and challenges associated with children engaging in clubs and planned activities. The author highlights positive aspects, such as the enrichment of knowledge through extracurricular activities and improved communication skills. However, the discussion of challenges could be more balanced and detailed. For instance, while the essay mentions that excessive outdoor activities can divert attention from studies, it does not elaborate on how this might manifest or provide concrete examples.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are explored in equal depth. Adding specific examples or statistics related to the challenges of excessive engagement in extracurriculars would provide a more comprehensive view. Additionally, addressing potential solutions to these challenges could further enrich the discussion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally clear position that acknowledges both benefits and challenges. However, the transitions between ideas can be somewhat abrupt, which may confuse the reader regarding the author’s stance. For example, the phrase "on the other hand" introduces a contrasting point but lacks a smooth transition from the previous idea, making the overall argument less cohesive.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use transitional phrases more effectively to guide the reader through the argument. Clearly stating the thesis in the introduction and summarizing the main points at the end would also help reinforce the position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of knowledge acquisition and communication skills. However, some points lack sufficient development. For instance, the mention of "creative solutions and ideas" resulting from stepping out of comfort zones is intriguing but not fully explored. The essay also contains some vague statements, such as "the ability of immediate or potential risk of harm," which could be clarified.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to elaborate on each idea with specific examples or anecdotes. Providing detailed explanations and supporting evidence for claims will enhance the overall argument. For instance, discussing a specific extracurricular activity that fosters creativity or communication would add depth.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits and challenges of extracurricular activities. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, such as the mention of "embracing a rainbow of skin colors," which, while relevant to diversity, does not directly tie back to the main argument about the impact of extracurricular activities.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central theme of the essay. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements that stray from the topic will help keep the essay concise and relevant.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear introduction that outlines the topic and acknowledges both benefits and challenges of extracurricular activities. However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the second paragraph begins with a positive aspect but then shifts abruptly to a negative consequence without a clear transition. This disrupts the logical flow of ideas. The discussion of communication in the fourth paragraph also lacks a clear link to the previous points, making it feel somewhat disjointed.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by using transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Conversely," "In addition"). This will help maintain a coherent narrative throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure could be more effective. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better served by separating them into distinct paragraphs. For example, the discussion about the benefits of communication and the potential stress from activities are mixed in the same paragraph, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: Aim for a clear structure where each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. For instance, create one paragraph dedicated to the benefits of extracurricular activities, another for the challenges, and a third that discusses the balance between the two. This will make the essay easier to follow and enhance overall clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "besides," but the range is limited. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical and does not always enhance the flow of ideas. For example, the phrase "on the other hand" is used, but it could be more effectively integrated to contrast ideas more clearly.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," "for instance," and "consequently." Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain cohesion without repetitive phrasing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improving the logical organization, paragraph structure, and the range of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with phrases like "intriguing knowledge," "enriching opportunity," and "bridge the gap." These expressions effectively convey the writer’s ideas and enhance the overall quality of the essay. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "diverse backgrounds" multiple times, which could be varied for greater lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or rephrasing. For example, instead of repeating "diverse backgrounds," alternatives like "varied cultures" or "different communities" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more academic or topic-specific vocabulary related to extracurricular activities could further elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "profound understanding" and "significant global events." However, there are areas where word choice could be more accurate. For instance, the phrase "especially you faced with unfamiliar situations" is unclear and seems to misuse "you" in a context that should be more general. This affects the clarity of the argument being made.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on ensuring that vocabulary is contextually appropriate. In the aforementioned example, rephrasing to "especially when faced with unfamiliar situations" would clarify the intended meaning. Additionally, reviewing the use of phrases like "the ability of immediate or potential risk" could lead to a more precise expression, such as "the potential for immediate risk."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "has the ability of immediate or potential risk of harm, or injury," which could be rephrased for clarity rather than spelling issues.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or reading the essay aloud can help identify any overlooked errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can further improve spelling proficiency.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and achieves a Band 7 for Lexical Resource, focusing on variety, precision, and consistent spelling will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "When youth participate in extracurricular activities, immerse themselves in a world of intriguing knowledge, which not only helps them learn from the diverse insights of those around them but also leads to a profound understanding of a subject." However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and incomplete clauses, such as "especially you faced with unfamiliar situations stimulate the brain to think differently," which detracts from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence beginnings and transitions. For instance, using introductory phrases or clauses can help create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure that all clauses are complete and grammatically correct. Practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to convey ideas more effectively.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the sentence "Additionally, these activities often encourage the young to leap out of their comfort zone, especially you faced with unfamiliar situations stimulate the brain to think differently" is confusing due to the incorrect use of "you" instead of "when they are" or "as they are." Furthermore, there are instances where commas are misused, such as in "one of the primary advantages of involvement in clubs and organized activities is to improve communication, this is a great time to connect with people," which should be separated into two sentences or connected with a semicolon.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, review the rules for subject-verb agreement and the proper use of conjunctions. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding comma usage. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for revisions that enhance clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s fast-paced world, children are increasingly engaging in clubs and organized activities during their free time. While this trend offers numerous benefits, it also presents certain challenges.

When youth participate in extracurricular activities, they immerse themselves in a world of intriguing knowledge, which not only helps them learn from the diverse insights of those around them but also leads to a deep understanding of various subjects. For instance, a visit to the museum provides an enriching opportunity for individuals to delve into the history of their own country and explore significant global events, from ancient civilizations to the modern era. However, engaging in excessive outdoor activities can distract students from their studies and significantly impact their overall learning experience.

Additionally, these activities often encourage young people to venture beyond their comfort zones, especially when faced with unfamiliar situations. This stimulation can prompt the brain to think creatively, leading to innovative solutions and ideas that can significantly enhance their daily lives and future work.

Moreover, one of the primary advantages of involvement in clubs and organized activities is the improvement of communication skills. This is a valuable time to connect with people from diverse backgrounds, embracing a range of skin tones and various regions worldwide. By openly and respectfully engaging with individuals from different cultures, we can facilitate connections and bridge gaps in understanding. Nevertheless, in any situation, whether new or familiar, individuals may experience higher levels of stress and anxiety if they lack the necessary skills and preparation. Occasionally, participating in high-risk adventure activities poses an immediate or potential risk of harm or injury. On the other hand, new perspectives on unfamiliar hobbies, regions, and customs can create challenges in understanding and communication, resulting in misunderstandings or inconveniences.

In conclusion, while the engagement in clubs and organized activities provides valuable opportunities for growth and learning, it is essential to strike a balance to ensure that students do not lose sight of their academic responsibilities.