Many animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reasons and solutions?

It is true that rapid human developments, both on land and in the sea pose a threat to wildlife species, which are driving to the verge of extinction. There are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon and several solutions should be taken into account to remedy this problem.

On the one hand, there are a host of reasons why wild animals are being pushed to extinction. The first reason to consider is that the rampant hunting of animals whose body parts are sold at high prices.This is due to the increasing demand for products made from wild animals. For instance, tigers or elephants are illegally hunted to provide skin or ivory, which are decorated or as a gift. Consequently, the population of such wild animals has declined dramatically , which makes them become endangered and on the red list. Another reason is that industrial activities such as deforestation are polluting animal’s environment and destroying their natural habitat. As a result, animals occupying the habitat will have reduced breeding capacity and have difficulty in finding food. Moreover, aquatic systems are polluted because of oil exploitation. This leads to the death of marine creatures as they are exposed to chemicals and chemical waste from oil and gas in the sea.
On the other hand, a number of solutions should be taken into consideration to solve this issue. Firstly, the government should impose stricter punishments to prevent wild animals from poaching .Furthermore, they should allocate part of their budget to construct more wildlife sanctuaries in order to shelter endangered animals . Secondly, it is necessary for individuals to join hands to stop the illegal trade of endangered species and boycott products made from animals. Also industrial activities should be stopped to keep the animal’s environment untouched.
In conclusion, human activities negatively affect wild animals because they want to gain more benefit from animals. It is essential for individuals to prevent this negative tendency.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"rapid human developments" -> "rapid human development"
Explanation: The term "developments" is plural, suggesting multiple developments, whereas the context implies a single, overarching concept. Using "development" in the singular form corrects this error and aligns with the intended meaning.
"which are driving to the verge of extinction" -> "which are being driven to the verge of extinction"
Explanation: The phrase "are driving" is incorrect as it implies agency from the animals, which is not the intended meaning. "Are being driven" correctly attributes the action to external factors, enhancing clarity and accuracy.
"a number of reasons" -> "several reasons"
Explanation: "A number of" is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing. "Several" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic contexts.
"should be taken into account" -> "should be considered"
Explanation: "Taken into account" is a bit verbose and informal. "Considered" is more direct and maintains the formal tone required in academic writing.
"the rampant hunting of animals whose body parts are sold at high prices" -> "the widespread hunting of animals whose body parts are highly valued"
Explanation: "Rampant" can imply a sense of disorder or chaos, which may not be the intended meaning. "Widespread" is more neutral and precise. Additionally, "highly valued" is more specific than "sold at high prices," which is more descriptive and formal.
"This is due to the increasing demand for products made from wild animals" -> "This is due to the growing demand for products derived from wild animals"
Explanation: "Made from" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "Derived from" is more formal and scientifically accurate, fitting the academic style.
"which are decorated or as a gift" -> "which are used for decoration or as gifts"
Explanation: "Decorated or as a gift" is awkward and unclear. "Used for decoration or as gifts" clarifies the purpose of the animal parts, enhancing readability and formality.
"the population of such wild animals has declined dramatically" -> "the populations of such wild animals have declined significantly"
Explanation: "Has declined dramatically" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "Have declined significantly" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"makes them become endangered and on the red list" -> "leads to their becoming endangered and listing them on the red list"
Explanation: "Makes them become" is awkward and informal. "Leads to their becoming" is more formal and grammatically correct, and "listing them on the red list" is more precise.
"industrial activities such as deforestation are polluting animal’s environment" -> "industrial activities such as deforestation pollute animals’ environments"
Explanation: "Are polluting" is passive and less direct. "Pollute" is more active and direct, improving the sentence structure and formality.
"should be taken into consideration" -> "should be considered"
Explanation: Similar to earlier, "taken into consideration" is verbose and informal. "Considered" is concise and maintains the formal tone.
"join hands" -> "join forces"
Explanation: "Join hands" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing. "Join forces" is a more formal expression that is commonly used in academic and professional contexts.
"stop the illegal trade of endangered species and boycott products made from animals" -> "prevent the illegal trade of endangered species and boycott products derived from animals"
Explanation: "Stop" is somewhat informal and direct. "Prevent" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. Also, "derived from" is more precise than "made from."
"keep the animal’s environment untouched" -> "preserve the animals’ habitats intact"
Explanation: "Keep the animal’s environment untouched" is informal and vague. "Preserve the animals’ habitats intact" is more specific and formal, aligning with the academic style.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the essay, making it more suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying reasons for animal extinction due to human activities and proposing solutions. The reasons discussed include rampant hunting and industrial activities like deforestation and pollution, which are relevant and well-explained. The solutions suggested, such as stricter punishments for poaching and the establishment of wildlife sanctuaries, directly respond to the issues raised. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the reasons and solutions, as well as a broader range of solutions.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly link each reason to a corresponding solution. For example, after discussing hunting, they could suggest specific measures to curb demand for animal products. Additionally, including a wider variety of solutions, such as public awareness campaigns or international cooperation, would provide a more comprehensive answer.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that human activities are detrimental to wildlife, and this stance is consistent throughout the text. The introduction sets the tone well, and the conclusion reiterates the negative impact of human actions. However, the phrase "because they want to gain more benefit from animals" in the conclusion could be clearer; it may imply a more selfish motive that isn’t fully explored in the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should ensure that all statements reflect a consistent viewpoint. Clarifying the conclusion to better encapsulate the main arguments presented in the body paragraphs would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for extinction and potential solutions. Each reason is supported with relevant examples, such as the illegal hunting of tigers and elephants. However, some ideas could be further extended; for instance, the impact of pollution on marine life is mentioned but not elaborated upon with specific examples or statistics.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the essay, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or data to support their claims. For instance, including statistics on the decline of specific species due to pollution or hunting would strengthen the argument. Additionally, discussing the effectiveness of proposed solutions with examples of successful initiatives could enhance the support for their ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of animal extinction due to human activities and does not deviate from this theme. Each paragraph contributes to the overall argument, and the writer does not introduce unrelated ideas. However, some sentences could be more concise to maintain focus and clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, the writer should review each sentence for relevance and clarity. Eliminating any redundant phrases or overly complex structures would help keep the reader engaged and ensure that each point directly contributes to the main argument. For example, simplifying the sentence about the impact of industrial activities could enhance clarity and focus.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer could elevate their score even further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with distinct sections addressing the reasons for animal extinction and potential solutions. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized thematically. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the reasons for extinction, while the second focuses on solutions. However, within these paragraphs, the flow could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing hunting to industrial activities could be smoother to enhance logical progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more explicitly. For instance, after discussing hunting, you could use a phrase like "In addition to hunting, another significant factor contributing to extinction is…" This would create a clearer link between the points and improve the overall coherence of the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion are clearly delineated. However, the body paragraphs could benefit from more detailed topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that summarizes the main reasons for extinction before delving into specific examples.
- How to improve: Strengthen topic sentences to provide a clear overview of each paragraph’s content. This will help guide the reader through the essay’s arguments. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a consistent focus; for example, the second body paragraph could be more cohesive by ensuring that all solutions are directly linked back to the problem of extinction.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand," "for instance," and "as a result." These devices help to connect ideas and provide examples. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some connections feel mechanical rather than fluid. For example, the phrase "this leads to" could be varied with alternatives like "this results in" or "as a consequence."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" to connect ideas more smoothly. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can enhance cohesion without repetitive phrasing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments in a structured manner, there are opportunities to improve coherence and cohesion through enhanced logical flow, more effective paragraphing, and a broader range of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "extinction," "wildlife species," "rampant hunting," and "deforestation." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "animals are being pushed to extinction" could be enhanced by using synonyms or more descriptive language to convey urgency or severity, such as "driven to the brink of extinction" or "threatened with extinction."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "animals," consider using "wildlife," "creatures," or "fauna." Reading more widely and practicing paraphrasing can help in expanding vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "illegal hunting" and "wildlife sanctuaries." However, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "which makes them become endangered" could be more clearly stated as "which categorizes them as endangered species." Additionally, the phrase "the death of marine creatures" could be specified further; for instance, "the death of marine biodiversity" would be more precise.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revisiting sentences and asking whether the chosen words convey the exact idea. Engaging with academic texts on environmental issues can also provide insight into more precise terminology.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "the rampant hunting of animals whose body parts are sold at high prices" is missing a space before "This," and "animal’s environment" should be "animals’ environment" to indicate plural possession. Additionally, "on the red list" could be more formally stated as "on the endangered species list."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Regular practice with writing exercises that focus on spelling can help solidify correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, focusing on expanding vocabulary, improving precision, and ensuring spelling accuracy will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "which are driving to the verge of extinction" and "as a result, animals occupying the habitat will have reduced breeding capacity." However, there are areas where the sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the essay frequently relies on similar sentence beginnings, such as "The first reason to consider is…" and "Another reason is…," which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases, use different conjunctions, and vary the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Another reason is," the writer could use phrases like "In addition to this," or "Furthermore," to introduce new points. Additionally, integrating more compound-complex sentences could elevate the sophistication of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the rampant hunting of animals whose body parts are sold at high prices.This is due to the increasing demand for products made from wild animals" contains a punctuation error where a space is missing after the period. Additionally, the phrase "animals occupying the habitat will have reduced breeding capacity and have difficulty in finding food" could be clearer if rephrased to avoid ambiguity. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences or fragments.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for punctuation errors, ensuring that there is a space after periods and that commas are used correctly to separate clauses. Additionally, practicing the construction of clearer sentences can help avoid ambiguity. For example, the writer could revise "which makes them become endangered and on the red list" to "which places them on the endangered species list," thereby enhancing clarity and conciseness. Regular grammar exercises and reading well-structured essays can also aid in reinforcing correct grammar usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that rapid human development, both on land and in the sea, poses a threat to wildlife species, which are being driven to the verge of extinction. There are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon, and several solutions should be considered to remedy this problem.

On the other hand, a number of solutions should be considered to solve this issue. Firstly, the government should impose stricter punishments to prevent the poaching of wild animals. Furthermore, they should allocate part of their budget to construct more wildlife sanctuaries in order to shelter endangered animals. Secondly, it is necessary for individuals to join forces to stop the illegal trade of endangered species and boycott products derived from animals. Also, industrial activities should be stopped to keep animals’ environments intact.

In conclusion, human activities negatively affect wild animals because they seek to gain more benefits from them. It is essential for individuals to prevent this negative trend.