Many animals are in danger of extinction. Some people think we should protect animals that are beneficial to humans. To what extend do you agree?

There are competing opinions regarding whether individuals would reap the benefits if we try to reverse endangered animals. I totally support this viewpoint even though such trend might take a larger investment, it is definitely beneficial for human beings and ecosystem.

On a social level, in order to converse extinct animals, human beings would invest a huge amount of money, whilst we could use such investment in enhancing education or healthcare. It is true that spending money on education is far more essential than building forests or planting more trees for animals. Governments, for instance, could use a significant amount of money to help various children in the remote areas have an opportunity to go to school, in lieu of wasting large investment for extinct animals. However, it is undeniable that a variety of animals play a key role in people's daily life.

From an educational perspective, numerous kinds of extinct animals strongly contribute to schooling purposes as well as scientific studies. To be more specific, certain animals help to teach people about biodiversity, extinction processes and even impact of human activities on environment. Take, for example, gorillas would help human beings understand their ancestor or the origin of the activities. As a consequence, if people do not focus on reserving endangered animals, we will fail to discover more about the nature or even our original habits.
In conclusion, although protecting extinct animals may take a numerous amount of money, such investment truly deserves for development of human and natural ecosystem.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"competing opinions regarding whether individuals would reap the benefits if we try to reverse endangered animals" -> "divergent perspectives on the benefits of efforts to conserve endangered species"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the subject (conservation of endangered species) and uses more formal language.
"I totally support this viewpoint" -> "I strongly support this perspective"
Explanation: "Totally" is too informal for academic writing. "Strongly" is more appropriate and maintains a formal tone.
"such trend might take a larger investment" -> "this endeavor may require substantial investment"
Explanation: "Such trend" is vague and informal. "This endeavor" specifies the subject, and "substantial investment" is a more precise and formal way to describe the financial commitment.
"definitely beneficial" -> "undeniably advantageous"
Explanation: "Definitely" is somewhat informal and lacks the academic nuance that "undeniably" provides. "Advantageous" is a more formal synonym for "beneficial."
"converse extinct animals" -> "conserve extinct species"
Explanation: "Converse" is a misuse; the correct term is "conserve." Additionally, "extinct species" is more specific and academically appropriate than "extinct animals."
"whilst we could use such investment" -> "while such investments could be allocated"
Explanation: "Whilst" is overly formal and less common in academic American English; "while" is preferred. Also, passive voice ("could be allocated") is more formal for this context.
"far more essential" -> "significantly more critical"
Explanation: "Far more essential" is conversational. "Significantly more critical" elevates the formality and emphasizes the importance.
"building forests" -> "forest restoration"
Explanation: "Building forests" is an unnatural expression. "Forest restoration" is the correct environmental term.
"planting more trees for animals" -> "afforestation for wildlife habitats"
Explanation: "Planting more trees for animals" is informal and vague. "Afforestation for wildlife habitats" is specific and uses appropriate terminology.
"wasting large investment for extinct animals" -> "misallocating substantial funds to extinct species"
Explanation: "Wasting" is judgmental and informal, while "misallocating" is neutral and formal. "Substantial funds" is more precise than "large investment."
"play a key role in people’s daily life" -> "serve a pivotal role in human daily lives"
Explanation: "Play a key role" is a bit informal and can be replaced with "serve a pivotal role" for a more formal tone. "Human daily lives" is more specific than "people’s daily life."
"numerous kinds of extinct animals" -> "a variety of extinct species"
Explanation: "Numerous kinds of" is redundant and informal. "A variety of extinct species" is concise and formal.
"schooling purposes" -> "educational objectives"
Explanation: "Schooling purposes" is informal and vague. "Educational objectives" is precise and suitable for academic writing.
"reserving endangered animals" -> "conserving endangered species"
Explanation: "Reserving" is incorrect in this context. "Conserving endangered species" is the correct term and more formal.
"a numerous amount of money" -> "a substantial amount of funds"
Explanation: "A numerous amount of money" is awkward and incorrect. "A substantial amount of funds" is clear and formal.
"truly deserves for development" -> "is truly justified for the development"
Explanation: "Deserves for" is grammatically incorrect. "Is truly justified for the development" corrects this and adds formality to the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the importance of protecting endangered animals and presents arguments in favor of this stance. However, it lacks a comprehensive discussion on the potential drawbacks or counterarguments related to prioritizing animal protection over other social needs such as education and healthcare.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay should explore the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly and provide a balanced discussion. This could involve discussing the potential trade-offs involved in allocating resources to protect animals versus investing in other social needs.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently advocating for the protection of endangered animals. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state the position in the thesis statement and ensure that each paragraph reinforces this central idea without ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in elaboration and support. While it mentions the importance of protecting endangered animals for educational purposes and ecosystem balance, the explanations remain somewhat superficial. Additionally, the essay would benefit from providing specific examples or evidence to bolster its arguments.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the essay should delve deeper into the reasons why protecting endangered animals is beneficial, providing concrete examples or case studies. Furthermore, expanding on the potential consequences of not preserving these animals would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the importance of protecting endangered animals and its benefits to humans and the ecosystem. However, there are minor deviations, such as briefly mentioning the importance of education spending, which could be more directly tied to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central argument of protecting endangered animals. Any tangential discussions should be integrated more seamlessly or omitted if they do not significantly contribute to the main argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues for the protection of endangered animals and maintains a clear position throughout, there is room for improvement in addressing all parts of the question, providing deeper analysis and support for ideas, and staying more closely on topic. Strengthening these aspects would enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a structure that somewhat follows a logical flow, beginning with a general stance on the topic, followed by discussions on societal and educational levels, and concluding with a restatement of the main viewpoint. However, the transition between these ideas is not entirely seamless. The argument transitions from discussing the financial implications of conservation on social services to the educational benefits of preserving animals without fully exploring or linking these points cohesively. This results in a somewhat disjointed reading experience where the logical connections between paragraphs are not fully realized.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, the writer could explicitly outline the essay’s structure in the introduction, clarifying the connection between the financial costs of conservation and its broader implications on society and education. Transitions between paragraphs should be strengthened by directly linking the discussion from one paragraph to the next, highlighting how each point contributes to the overarching argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a positive aspect. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct theme or argument, aiding in the overall organization of the content. However, the effectiveness of paragraphing is somewhat diminished by the lack of clear topic sentences and conclusive sentences that anchor each paragraph’s main idea and its relevance to the essay question. This occasionally makes it difficult for readers to immediately grasp the main point of each paragraph and see how it contributes to the essay’s argument.
- How to improve: Improvement can be made by ensuring each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that states the main idea being discussed. This should be followed by supporting sentences that expand on the topic and a concluding sentence that reinforces the paragraph’s main point and its relevance to the essay’s overall argument. Additionally, varying paragraph length to fully develop ideas can further enhance clarity and engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("however," "whilst") and referencing ("this viewpoint," "such trend"). These devices are essential for creating coherence within and across paragraphs. Nevertheless, the use of these devices is somewhat limited in range and occasionally repetitive. Moreover, there’s a noticeable reliance on simpler forms of cohesion, which could be expanded upon to create a more sophisticated and nuanced argument.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a broader variety of transitions that not only show contrast and addition but also cause and effect, comparison, and emphasis. Examples include "consequently," "furthermore," "in contrast," and "as a result." Additionally, employing synonyms and paraphrasing can avoid repetition and enhance the fluidity of the essay. Practicing with different types of texts and consciously incorporating varied cohesive devices can greatly improve this aspect.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "reap," "reverse," "invest," "converse," "essential," "undeniable," "biodiversity," "reserving," and "development." These words contribute to the richness and variety of language used throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as specific terminology related to conservation efforts or ecological concepts. Additionally, strive for more nuanced and varied expressions to convey ideas more effectively.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally employs vocabulary appropriately, there are instances where the precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "in order to converse extinct animals" seems to be a misuse of the word "converse," as it does not align with the intended meaning of conservation. Similarly, the phrase "a variety of animals play a key role" could be more precise by specifying the types of animals and their respective roles.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that accurately convey the intended meaning. Avoid ambiguous or misused terms by ensuring a clear understanding of their definitions and contexts. Additionally, aim for specificity in vocabulary usage to enhance clarity and precision in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with no glaring errors that significantly detract from readability. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "converse" instead of "conserve" and "reserving" instead of "preserving."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully to catch any such minor errors. Additionally, utilizing spell-checking tools and practicing regular writing exercises can help reinforce proper spelling habits and minimize mistakes.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is an attempt to vary sentence lengths and structures, but this could be improved for a higher score. For example, there is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but more complex structures such as conditional sentences or passive constructions could be incorporated to enhance the variety.
- How to improve: To improve, try incorporating more complex sentence structures. For instance, use conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations or passive constructions to vary the sentence structure. This can make your writing more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some errors present, such as incorrect verb tense usage ("converse" should be "conserve," "reserving" should be "preserving") and lack of subject-verb agreement ("governments… could use" should be "government… could use").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Additionally, proofread your essay carefully to catch and correct any errors before submitting.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable variety of sentence structures, contributing to a Band Score of 7. To improve, focus on incorporating more complex sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are divergent perspectives on the benefits of efforts to conserve endangered species. I strongly support this perspective, even though this endeavor may require substantial investment, as it is undeniably advantageous for both humans and the ecosystem.

On a social level, conserving extinct animals might entail allocating a significant amount of funds. While such investments could be allocated to enhancing education or healthcare, it’s worth noting that certain animals serve a pivotal role in human daily lives. Forest restoration and afforestation for wildlife habitats are significantly more critical than some might realize.

From an educational perspective, a variety of extinct species serve educational objectives and contribute to scientific studies. Certain animals help teach people about biodiversity, extinction processes, and the impact of human activities on the environment. For instance, gorillas provide insights into human ancestors and origins of behaviors. Neglecting to conserve endangered species could impede our understanding of nature and our own habits.

In conclusion, while it’s true that conserving endangered species requires a substantial amount of funds, this investment is truly justified for the development of both human society and the natural ecosystem.