Many people think that students should be allowed to use mobile phones at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people think that students should be allowed to use mobile phones at school.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today’s students are digital natives. Nearly three out of four teenagers have access to mobile phones, and so many students take them to school every day. Phones have played an important role in education, and they have become an indispensable thing when students study. Despite the many negative effects of using phones in class, I would argue that schools should allow students to use mobile phones for three reasons.
First of all, people carry their mobile phones with them, which allows them to access them anywhere and at any time. This makes learning content easily accessible, regardless of location or time of day. This way, students can access tools that help extend their learning without interruption.
Secondly, mobile phones are an excellent tool for promoting collaboration and communication among students, instructors, parents, and the school community. We can interact socially and maintain contact with everyone at school thanks to the smartphone.
Finally, mobile phones enable access to online resources and educational apps, which promote creativity and communication among students, instructors, and peers. Students can learn more about a topic or their project. On the other hand, cell phones might have negative consequences. Mobile phone addiction has been linked to decreased concentration, bad emotions, poor sleep quality, and lower academic achievement.
In conclusion, if students use mobile phones too much or watch negative programs, their personalities can be harmed. Moreover, their learning progress can also be affected. So, parents should only allow their children to use mobile phones for educational purposes and also provide a phone timetable so that they can control the time children use the mobile phone.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Today’s students are digital natives." -> "Contemporary students are digital natives."
   Explanation: The term "Today’s" is somewhat informal and vague. "Contemporary" is more precise and academically appropriate, enhancing the formality of the statement.

2. "so many students take them to school every day" -> "a significant number of students bring them to school daily"
   Explanation: "So many" is vague and informal. "A significant number of" is more precise and formal, and "daily" is preferred over "every day" for a more academic tone.

3. "they have become an indispensable thing when students study" -> "they have become an indispensable tool for students during study"
   Explanation: "Indispensable thing" is awkward and imprecise. "Indispensable tool" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing, and specifying "during study" clarifies the context.

4. "First of all" -> "Firstly"
   Explanation: "First of all" is a colloquial expression. "Firstly" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

5. "people carry their mobile phones with them" -> "individuals carry their mobile phones with them"
   Explanation: "People" is too general and informal for academic writing. "Individuals" is more precise and formal.

6. "This makes learning content easily accessible" -> "This facilitates easy access to learning content"
   Explanation: "Makes learning content easily accessible" is a bit wordy and informal. "Facilitates easy access to learning content" is more concise and formal.

7. "We can interact socially and maintain contact with everyone at school thanks to the smartphone." -> "Smartphones enable social interaction and facilitate communication with the school community."
   Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The revised version is more formal and clearly specifies the functionality of smartphones.

8. "On the other hand, cell phones might have negative consequences." -> "Conversely, excessive cell phone use may have adverse effects."
   Explanation: "On the other hand" is informal and vague. "Conversely" is more formal, and "excessive cell phone use may have adverse effects" is more precise and academically appropriate.

9. "Mobile phone addiction has been linked to decreased concentration, bad emotions, poor sleep quality, and lower academic achievement." -> "Excessive mobile phone use has been associated with decreased concentration, negative emotions, poor sleep quality, and diminished academic performance."
   Explanation: "Mobile phone addiction" is informal and imprecise. "Excessive mobile phone use" is more accurate and formal. Also, "bad emotions" is informal; "negative emotions" is more appropriate, and "lower academic achievement" is replaced with "diminished academic performance" for a more formal tone.

10. "So, parents should only allow their children to use mobile phones for educational purposes and also provide a phone timetable so that they can control the time children use the mobile phone." -> "Parents should restrict mobile phone use to educational purposes and establish a schedule to monitor usage."
    Explanation: "So" is informal and conversational. "Restrict" and "establish a schedule" are more precise and formal, improving the academic tone of the recommendation.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument—supporting the idea of allowing mobile phones in schools while also acknowledging the potential negative consequences. It covers the extent of agreement or disagreement clearly.
  • How to improve: To further enhance, the essay could explicitly outline the opposing viewpoint in a dedicated paragraph to showcase a deeper understanding of both perspectives.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout by arguing in favor of allowing mobile phones in schools, supported by reasons and examples (accessibility, collaboration, educational apps). The conclusion reiterates this stance effectively.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that reinforces the essay’s stance, providing a cohesive structure that reinforces the central argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas with examples (accessibility, collaboration, educational apps) and supports them with explanations. For instance, it mentions the benefits of smartphones for learning and social interaction, citing specific benefits.
  • How to improve: To extend ideas further, include more specific examples or studies that demonstrate the positive impact of mobile phones on education. This would strengthen the argumentation and provide a more robust foundation for the claims made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the role of mobile phones in education and the impact on students’ learning and behavior. However, there is a slight deviation in the conclusion when discussing parental control over mobile phone usage.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all parts of the essay directly contribute to discussing the use of mobile phones in schools. Avoid introducing new topics or suggestions in the conclusion that are not directly related to the main argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic with well-supported arguments and a clear position maintained throughout. Improvements could be made by explicitly addressing the opposing viewpoint, enhancing topic sentence clarity, providing more specific examples, and maintaining strict relevance to the essay prompt throughout all sections. These refinements would further elevate the coherence and depth of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear and logical organization. It begins with an introduction that sets up the argument and outlines reasons. Each body paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence and supports it with relevant examples and explanations. The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider explicitly linking ideas between paragraphs. Transition phrases like "Moreover", "Furthermore", or "In addition" can strengthen the flow between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one to create a cohesive argument throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to structure ideas. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, such as the benefits of using mobile phones in education or the potential drawbacks. Paragraphs generally have a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details.
  • How to improve: For improvement, ensure that paragraphs maintain unity and coherence. One area to focus on is ensuring that each paragraph elaborates fully on its main point before transitioning to the next. Consider varying paragraph length slightly to avoid monotony and to emphasize key ideas effectively.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as "Firstly", "Secondly", "Finally", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion" are used to structure the essay. These devices help to sequence ideas and clarify relationships between different arguments and counterarguments.
  • How to improve: To enhance coherence, expand the variety of cohesive devices used. Introduce additional linking words and phrases like "Similarly", "Conversely", "Moreover", or "Thus", which can provide more nuanced connections between ideas. This expansion will enrich the essay’s structure and improve its overall cohesion.

In summary, while the essay effectively organizes its ideas into well-structured paragraphs and uses cohesive devices to connect them, there is room for enhancement in linking ideas more explicitly and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used. These improvements will further strengthen the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising its band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use various terms related to mobile phones and education, such as "digital natives," "indispensable," "addiction," and "academic achievement." However, the vocabulary lacks depth and variety in some instances, which limits the precision and impact of the arguments.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more nuanced synonyms and specific terms relevant to the topic. For example, instead of using general terms like "bad emotions," consider more precise descriptors such as "negative emotional states" or "psychological impacts." Additionally, aim for greater diversity in transitional phrases and idiomatic expressions to enrich the essay’s lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, such as in discussing the benefits of mobile phones for "collaboration," "communication," and "access to online resources." However, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary use, where more specific terms could have been employed to strengthen arguments. For instance, terms like "poor sleep quality" could be replaced with more exact phrases such as "disrupted sleep patterns" or "sleep disturbances."
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely conveys your intended meaning. Review each sentence to ensure that each word contributes clearly to the argument. Use a thesaurus to explore synonyms that might offer more precise shades of meaning. This practice will refine your vocabulary and elevate the clarity and effectiveness of your writing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits good spelling accuracy with minimal errors. Common words and technical terms related to the topic are correctly spelled throughout.
  • How to improve: Continue to maintain careful proofreading habits. Pay particular attention to less common words and technical vocabulary to ensure consistent accuracy. Utilize spell-check tools and consider asking peers or mentors to review your writing to catch any overlooked errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a competent level of vocabulary usage with relatively accurate spelling, further improvement can be achieved through expanding the range of vocabulary with more precise and varied terms. This enhancement will not only bolster the lexical resource score but also enhance the overall clarity and impact of the arguments presented.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It employs complex sentences alongside simpler structures effectively. For instance, there are complex sentences like "Despite the many negative effects of using phones in class, I would argue that schools should allow students to use mobile phones for three reasons." This variety enhances readability and demonstrates a good command of sentence construction.
  • How to improve: To further enhance, consider incorporating more nuanced structures such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If schools were to implement stricter phone usage policies…") or inversion for emphasis ("Not only do mobile phones provide access to educational apps…"). These additions can elevate the sophistication of the essay’s prose.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where articles or prepositions are missing or misused (e.g., "access them anywhere and at any time" could benefit from "access them from anywhere at any time"). Punctuation is generally well-handled, although there are occasional errors like missing commas in complex sentences.
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to articles (a, an, the) and prepositions, ensuring they are used correctly throughout. Review complex sentences to ensure commas are appropriately placed for clarity and coherence. Practicing proofreading with a focus on these aspects will help refine grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills.

Overall, the essay effectively meets the criteria for a Band 7 in Grammatical Range and Accuracy. It demonstrates a good command of sentence structures with room for slight improvement in the precision of grammatical usage and punctuation. With continued practice in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, achieving a higher band score is feasible.

Bài sửa mẫu

Today’s students are digital natives. Almost three-quarters of teenagers have access to mobile phones, and a significant number of students bring them to school daily. Phones have become an indispensable tool for students during study. Despite the potential drawbacks of using phones in class, I firmly believe that schools should allow students to use mobile phones for several reasons.

Firstly, individuals carry their mobile phones with them, facilitating easy access to learning content anytime and anywhere. This enables uninterrupted access to educational resources, enhancing learning flexibility.

Secondly, smartphones enable social interaction and facilitate communication with the school community. Students can collaborate with peers, teachers, and parents, fostering a supportive educational environment.

Finally, mobile phones provide access to online resources and educational apps, which promote creativity and communication among students and educators. They enable deeper exploration of subjects and project work.

Conversely, excessive cell phone use may have adverse effects. Excessive mobile phone use has been associated with decreased concentration, negative emotions, poor sleep quality, and diminished academic performance.

In conclusion, while mobile phones offer significant benefits in education, their misuse can have detrimental effects on students’ well-being and academic progress. Therefore, parents should restrict mobile phone use to educational purposes and establish a schedule to monitor usage effectively. By doing so, students can harness the educational potential of mobile phones while mitigating their negative impact.