MANY THINGS CAN INFLUENCE THE ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT AND EMOTIONAL GROWTH OF A STUDENT. IN THIS REGARD, PEERS HAVE MORE OF AN IMPACT THAN TEACHERS DO. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DIS AGREE WITH THIS OPINION

MANY THINGS CAN INFLUENCE THE ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT AND EMOTIONAL GROWTH OF A STUDENT. IN THIS REGARD, PEERS HAVE MORE OF AN IMPACT THAN TEACHERS DO.
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DIS AGREE WITH THIS OPINION

It is evident that a student can be effected in their study and emotion by elements around him; especially, peers and teachers. Some believe that the first factor is more influential than second. However, i partly agree with this point of view.
On the one hand, the opinion to peers play a particular role in the study of student. Firstly, academic achievement is very important with student, so that, choosing friend rightly will decice many things. Because of friends, student is easier to contact and improve together when study. Moreover, classmate can become an aim for his friend to study hardly, a stepping stone help develop theirsefl. Secondly, teachers in this factor like an instructor who provide knowlegde, they rarely have oppotunities to communicate with their students than their friends, so it is very relatetively hard to help them in study time.
On the other hand, there are many reason demonstrate that why teacher have an irreplaceable role in the growth of emotion at teen age. In the teen age, student very easy to base on any image they see, this problem will lead to an unpredictable result, in spite of less oppotunities, teacher always play an important role who will use their experiements to support student control emotions and help them aim the right ways. Meanwhile, peers are quitely hard in this problem, they still not enough abilities and experiments to face with some changes happen around them, from that, many mistakes will do. In some instances, classmate is very easy to become a main factor make their friend fall into the deep sea.
In conclusion, although peers can help student a lot in academic achievements like a partner, i still believe that teacher is really a key element in the emotional development, a center stage no one can replace.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is evident that a student can be effected in their study and emotion by elements around him;" -> "It is evident that a student can be affected in their studies and emotions by the elements surrounding them;"
   Explanation: "Affected" is the correct verb form, and "surrounding them" is more precise and formal than "around him." Additionally, "studies" and "emotions" should be plural to match the plural subject "a student."

2. "especially, peers and teachers" -> "particularly, peers and teachers"
   Explanation: "Especially" is a bit informal and vague in this context; "particularly" is more precise and formal.

3. "the first factor is more influential than second" -> "the first factor is more influential than the second"
   Explanation: Adding "the" before "second" corrects the grammatical structure.

4. "i partly agree" -> "I partly agree"
   Explanation: Capitalization of "I" is necessary for proper noun usage in formal writing.

5. "the opinion to peers play a particular role" -> "the influence of peers plays a significant role"
   Explanation: "The influence of peers" is more specific and academically appropriate than "the opinion to peers," which is awkward and unclear.

6. "academic achievement is very important with student" -> "academic achievement is crucial for students"
   Explanation: "Crucial" is more precise and formal than "very important," and "for students" is grammatically correct.

7. "decice" -> "decide"
   Explanation: Corrects a spelling error.

8. "Because of friends, student is easier to contact and improve together when study" -> "Because of friends, students are easier to contact and improve together during study"
   Explanation: "Students" should be plural to match the subject, and "during study" is more grammatically correct than "when study."

9. "classmate can become an aim for his friend to study hardly" -> "classmates can serve as a motivation for their friends to study diligently"
   Explanation: "Serves as a motivation" is more precise and formal than "become an aim," and "study diligently" is more appropriate than "study hardly," which is incorrect.

10. "a stepping stone help develop theirsefl" -> "a stepping stone helps them develop themselves"
    Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.

11. "teachers in this factor like an instructor who provide knowlegde" -> "teachers in this regard function as instructors who provide knowledge"
    Explanation: "In this regard" is more formal than "in this factor," and "function as instructors" is more precise than "like an instructor."

12. "they rarely have oppotunities to communicate with their students" -> "they rarely have opportunities to communicate with their students"
    Explanation: Corrects spelling error in "opportunities."

13. "it is very relatetively hard to help them in study time" -> "it is relatively difficult to assist them during study time"
    Explanation: "Relatively difficult" is grammatically correct, and "assist" is more formal than "help."

14. "teen age" -> "teenage"
    Explanation: "Teenage" is the correct noun form.

15. "student very easy to base on any image they see" -> "students are easily influenced by any image they see"
    Explanation: "Are easily influenced" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning.

16. "quitely hard in this problem" -> "quite difficult in this regard"
    Explanation: "Quite difficult" is grammatically correct, and "in this regard" is more formal than "in this problem."

17. "they still not enough abilities and experiments to face with some changes happen around them" -> "they still lack the abilities and experience to cope with the changes around them"
    Explanation: "Lack the abilities and experience" is grammatically correct and more formal, and "cope with the changes" is clearer than "face with some changes happen."

18. "make their friend fall into the deep sea" -> "lead their friends into deep trouble"
    Explanation: "Lead their friends into deep trouble" is a more precise and formal expression than "make their friend fall into the deep sea," which is metaphorical and informal.

19. "teacher is really a key element in the emotional development, a center stage no one can replace" -> "teachers are crucial elements in emotional development, a role that cannot be replaced"
    Explanation: "Teachers are crucial elements" corrects the plural subject, and "a role that cannot be replaced" is more formal and precise than "a center stage no one can replace."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both peers and teachers in relation to their influence on academic achievement and emotional growth. The writer acknowledges the role of peers as significant but ultimately argues for the importance of teachers, which aligns with the task. However, the response could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "i partly agree" is somewhat vague and does not clearly delineate the writer’s position.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it throughout the essay. Additionally, providing specific examples or evidence to support the claim about the influence of peers versus teachers would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that peers have an important role, but teachers are ultimately more influential in emotional growth. While this position is stated, the clarity of the argument is somewhat undermined by inconsistent phrasing and a lack of strong transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For instance, the phrase "i partly agree" could be more assertively framed to reflect the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to maintain a consistent tone and position throughout the essay. Using clear, definitive language when stating opinions will help convey a stronger argument. Additionally, employing transitional phrases can help connect ideas and reinforce the writer’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the influence of peers and teachers, but the development of these ideas lacks depth. For example, while the writer mentions that peers can motivate each other academically, this idea could be further elaborated with specific examples or scenarios. Similarly, the discussion about teachers’ roles in emotional development is introduced but not sufficiently supported with concrete examples or evidence.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples that illustrate their points. This could include anecdotes, studies, or statistics that demonstrate the influence of peers and teachers on students. Additionally, expanding on each point with further explanation and analysis will enhance the overall argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influences of peers and teachers on academic achievement and emotional growth. However, there are moments where the argument becomes slightly convoluted, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the phrasing and structure make it difficult to follow the main point about teachers’ roles. The use of phrases like "this problem will lead to an unpredictable result" lacks clarity and could confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that directly relates to the prompt. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help establish the focus, and ensuring that all supporting sentences relate back to that main idea will keep the essay coherent and on topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, but it would benefit from clearer articulation of the position, more detailed support for arguments, and improved coherence throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the influence of peers versus teachers on students’ academic achievement and emotional growth. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs are structured to address both sides of the argument. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For example, the transition between discussing peers and teachers could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis statement. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "In contrast," "Furthermore," "On the other hand") can help guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly. Revising the order of ideas to follow a more systematic progression—such as discussing all points related to peers before moving to teachers—could also strengthen the essay’s coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more clearly defined. For instance, the second paragraph mixes ideas about peers and teachers, which can confuse the reader. The lack of clear separation between the roles of peers and teachers within the same paragraph detracts from the overall clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer should aim to keep each paragraph focused on a single idea. For example, the paragraph discussing peers could be dedicated solely to their influence on academic achievement, while a separate paragraph could focus on teachers’ roles. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence will help the reader understand the main point being addressed.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "In conclusion." However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used awkwardly or incorrectly, which can disrupt the flow of the essay. For example, phrases like "this problem will lead to an unpredictable result" are vague and do not clearly connect to the preceding ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Consequently," "For instance," and "Conversely." This will help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Furthermore, ensuring that cohesive devices are used in context will enhance clarity; for example, replacing vague phrases with more specific explanations will strengthen the argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "influential," "academic achievement," and "emotional growth." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the word "student" appears frequently, and phrases like "play a particular role" and "very important" are used multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical diversity of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "student," alternatives such as "learner," "pupil," or "scholar" could be employed. Additionally, phrases like "significant impact" or "crucial role" could replace "very important" to avoid redundancy and enrich the text.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "decide many things" is vague and does not convey a clear meaning. Similarly, "stepping stone help develop theirsefl" contains grammatical errors and lacks clarity. The term "relatetively" is also a misspelling of "relatively," which affects the precision of the message.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Instead of "decide many things," a more precise phrase could be "influence various aspects of their academic journey." Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammatical structure will enhance clarity. The writer should proofread their work or use tools to check for spelling errors and grammatical accuracy.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "effected" (should be "affected"), "decice" (should be "decide"), "knowlegde" (should be "knowledge"), "theirsefl" (should be "themselves"), "relatetively" (should be "relatively"), and "experiements" (should be "experiences"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize spell-check tools when drafting essays. Reading extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, sentences like "Firstly, academic achievement is very important with student, so that, choosing friend rightly will decice many things" show a basic structure but lack complexity. The use of phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" indicates an attempt to organize ideas, but the overall complexity is limited. There are also instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect conjunction use, which detracts from the overall fluency.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "Because of friends, student is easier to contact and improve together when study," the writer could say, "Because friends provide support, students find it easier to collaborate and improve their studies together." Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and using a mix of declarative, interrogative, and conditional sentences can add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, "effected" should be "affected," and "decice" is a misspelling of "decide." The phrase "teacher have an irreplaceable role" should be "teachers have an irreplaceable role," indicating a subject-verb agreement error. Punctuation errors, such as the incorrect use of commas in "so that, choosing friend rightly will decice many things," disrupt the flow of ideas and make sentences harder to read.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement, correct tense usage, and spelling. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify mistakes. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding comma usage, can enhance clarity. For example, the sentence "In the teen age, student very easy to base on any image they see" could be revised to "During the teenage years, students are very easily influenced by the images they see," correcting both grammatical structure and clarity.

In summary, while the essay shows an understanding of the topic and attempts to present a balanced argument, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety, grammatical correctness, and punctuation will greatly enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that a student can be affected in their studies and emotions by the elements surrounding them; particularly, peers and teachers. Some believe that the first factor is more influential than the second. However, I partly agree with this point of view.

On the one hand, the opinion that peers play a particular role in the studies of students is valid. Firstly, academic achievement is very important for students, so choosing friends wisely will decide many things. Because of friends, students find it easier to contact each other and improve together during study. Moreover, classmates can serve as motivation for their friends to study diligently, acting as a stepping stone that helps them develop themselves. Secondly, teachers in this regard function as instructors who provide knowledge; however, they rarely have opportunities to communicate with their students compared to their friends, making it relatively difficult to assist them during study time.

On the other hand, there are many reasons that demonstrate why teachers have an irreplaceable role in the emotional growth of teenagers. During this age, students are easily influenced by any image they see, and this problem can lead to unpredictable results. Despite having fewer opportunities, teachers always play an important role by using their experiences to help students control their emotions and guide them in the right direction. Meanwhile, peers can find it quite difficult in this regard, as they still lack the abilities and experience to cope with the changes happening around them, which can lead to many mistakes. In some instances, classmates can easily become a main factor that leads their friends into deep trouble.

In conclusion, although peers can help students a lot in academic achievements as partners, I still believe that teachers are truly key elements in emotional development, playing a central role that no one can replace.