More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

It is true that huge money has been used for complexions to make people look younger is becoming more and more popular these days. In my opinion, this trend could have both advantages and disadvantages in equal measure.

On the one hand, there are plenty of reasons why people want to spend money to make themselves look younger and it can be seen as beneficial. Firstly, everyone always wants to be confident when hanging out with their friends, and also wants to draw attention to the person they like, so spending a variety of money on the skin would be a good solution. Besides, when people care about their skin it makes them also concerned about their health. As a result, they might find out some diseases in their bodies that they never know about.

On the other hand, I strongly believe that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. The main disadvantage of using cosmetics is that will make the skin age faster than normal. It is because cosmetics contain many chemicals that could destroy the skin or be harmful to the health of people who use them. Secondly, these cosmetics are too expensive and take a variety of time for people. By contrast, a lot of things could be dealt with that money and save time.

In conclusion, using large money on complexions has both beneficial and detrimental effects on health and lifestyle.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"huge money" -> "substantial funds"
Explanation: "Huge money" is an informal and vague term. "Substantial funds" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"complexions" -> "cosmetic procedures"
Explanation: "Complexions" refers to the natural color and texture of the skin, not to procedures or treatments. "Cosmetic procedures" accurately describes actions taken to enhance appearance.
"is becoming more and more popular" -> "is increasingly popular"
Explanation: "Is becoming more and more popular" is repetitive and can be streamlined to "is increasingly popular" for conciseness and formality.
"advantages and disadvantages in equal measure" -> "advantages and disadvantages to the same extent"
Explanation: "In equal measure" is a less formal phrase. "To the same extent" is more precise and suitable for an academic context.
"plenty of reasons" -> "numerous reasons"
Explanation: "Plenty of reasons" is colloquial. "Numerous reasons" is more formal and fitting for academic writing.
"a variety of money" -> "a significant amount of money"
Explanation: "A variety of money" is incorrect and unclear. "A significant amount of money" correctly conveys the intended meaning.
"makes them also concerned" -> "also makes them concerned"
Explanation: The original phrasing is awkward. Reordering the words improves readability and maintains a formal tone.
"find out some diseases" -> "discover certain diseases"
Explanation: "Find out some diseases" is informal and imprecise. "Discover certain diseases" is more accurate and appropriate for an academic context.
"that will make the skin age faster" -> "that can accelerate skin aging"
Explanation: The original phrasing is awkward and can be made more concise. "That can accelerate skin aging" is clearer and more formal.
"be harmful to the health of people who use them" -> "pose health risks to users"
Explanation: The original phrasing is verbose. "Pose health risks to users" is more concise and maintains an academic tone.
"take a variety of time" -> "require a considerable amount of time"
Explanation: "Take a variety of time" is incorrect and unclear. "Require a considerable amount of time" accurately conveys the intended meaning in a formal manner.
"a lot of things could be dealt with that money and save time" -> "those funds could be allocated to other, potentially time-saving, endeavors"
Explanation: The original sentence is informal and lacks clarity. The suggested revision is more precise, formal, and clearly communicates the idea of alternative uses for the money.
"using large money on complexions" -> "investing substantial funds in cosmetic procedures"
Explanation: "Using large money on complexions" is informal and imprecise. "Investing substantial funds in cosmetic procedures" is more formal and accurately conveys the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question but falls short in fully developing each aspect. It discusses reasons why people want to look younger, mentioning confidence and attracting others, as well as potential health benefits. However, the discussion lacks depth and fails to explore these points thoroughly. Moreover, it briefly touches upon the positive and negative aspects without fully analyzing them.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into why people desire to look younger, providing more nuanced explanations. Additionally, it needs to explore both the positive and negative aspects in more detail, ensuring each point is fully developed.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a balanced view by acknowledging both the advantages and disadvantages of spending money on complexions. However, the position is not consistently clear throughout the essay. While it briefly mentions the benefits and drawbacks, it does not clearly articulate a stance on whether the trend is positive or negative.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should explicitly state the author’s position in the introduction and maintain this stance throughout the essay. Providing stronger reasoning and evidence to support this position will also improve clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. While it briefly mentions reasons why people desire to look younger and the potential drawbacks of using cosmetics, it lacks elaboration and concrete examples to strengthen these points. Additionally, there is minimal expansion on how these ideas relate to the prompt.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and examples to support its arguments. Incorporating relevant statistics, studies, or personal anecdotes can enhance the credibility and persuasiveness of the ideas presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing why people spend money on complexions and the potential implications of this trend. However, it briefly deviates from the topic when discussing unrelated issues such as health concerns associated with cosmetics. While tangential, these points are not directly relevant to the essay prompt.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should avoid discussing tangential issues and maintain a clear connection to the prompt throughout. Streamlining the discussion to focus solely on the reasons for wanting to look younger and the positive/negative implications of this trend will help improve coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction discussing the increasing trend of spending money on complexions to look younger and presents both positive and negative aspects of this phenomenon in the subsequent paragraphs. However, the transition between ideas is somewhat abrupt, lacking a smooth flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a clearer roadmap in the introduction, outlining the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs. Additionally, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs by using linking words or phrases to guide the reader through the progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different points, which is essential for readability. Each paragraph focuses on either the advantages or disadvantages of spending money on complexions. However, the structure within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the second paragraph discusses reasons why people want to look younger, but it could be subdivided for better clarity.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each addressing a single main idea. This will enhance coherence and make the essay easier to follow for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." However, there is limited variety, and the essay lacks cohesion in terms of maintaining a consistent flow between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of transition words and phrases throughout the essay, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "conversely," etc. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph logically connects to the preceding and following paragraphs to maintain coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices to create a more cohesive and smoothly flowing piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied language. For example, the writer uses synonyms like "huge money" and "variety of money" instead of simply repeating "a lot of money." However, there is room for improvement as some phrases could be more varied and sophisticated.
- How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource score, try to incorporate more diverse and precise vocabulary. For instance, instead of "huge money," you could use "substantial investment," and instead of "a variety of money," you could say "significant expenditure." Also, aim to use more complex sentence structures to showcase your vocabulary range further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary in a clear and understandable manner. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, "huge money" could be more specific, such as "significant financial resources."
- How to improve: To improve precision, try to use more specific and accurate vocabulary. For instance, instead of "make the skin age faster," you could say "accelerate skin aging." Additionally, use words that convey your intended meaning more precisely, avoiding overly general terms.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates acceptable spelling accuracy, with only minor errors such as "huge money" (should be "a huge amount of money") and "variety of time" (should be "a significant amount of time").
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools or proofreading your work carefully before submission. Familiarizing yourself with common spelling rules and patterns can also be beneficial.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It utilizes simple and compound sentences predominantly, with occasional complex structures. For instance, "On the one hand, there are plenty of reasons why people want to spend money to make themselves look younger and it can be seen as beneficial" showcases a complex sentence structure with a subordinate clause ("On the one hand") followed by a compound sentence structure. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences, passive constructions, and relative clauses to enhance variety and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness of the essay, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations, utilize passive constructions to vary sentence structure and highlight different actors in sentences, and integrate relative clauses to provide additional information about nouns. For example, instead of solely using simple and compound sentences, incorporate complex structures like: "If people were to allocate some of their expenditures towards preventive healthcare rather than cosmetic enhancements, they might enjoy long-term benefits both physically and financially."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are several instances where errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and tense consistency are present. For example, "huge money has been used for complexions to make people look younger" should be revised to "a large amount of money is being spent on cosmetic procedures to achieve a younger appearance." Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas before coordinating conjunctions and inconsistent capitalization ("Firstly" should be lowercase).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that verbs agree with their subjects in number and tense. Review the appropriate usage of articles (e.g., "a," "an," "the") to ensure clarity and precision in expression. Additionally, focus on maintaining consistent verb tense throughout the essay to avoid confusion. Regarding punctuation, remember to use commas before coordinating conjunctions (e.g., and, but, so) when joining independent clauses. Furthermore, ensure consistent capitalization of transitional words and phrases such as "firstly" to maintain uniformity in style. Regular practice and proofreading can help refine grammatical and punctuation skills effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammar and punctuation, refining the use of diverse sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills can elevate the clarity, coherence, and sophistication of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed noticeable that the trend of investing substantial funds in cosmetic procedures to attain a more youthful appearance is increasingly popular nowadays. In my view, this inclination could yield both positive and negative outcomes in equal measure.

On the one hand, there are numerous reasons why individuals are inclined to allocate substantial funds towards enhancing their complexions, which can be perceived as advantageous. Firstly, everyone desires to exude confidence when socializing with peers and seeks to attract the attention of potential romantic interests, hence investing a significant amount of money in skincare could serve as a viable solution. Furthermore, heightened attention to skincare also prompts individuals to become more mindful of their overall health. Consequently, they may uncover certain diseases in their bodies that had previously gone undetected.

On the other hand, I am inclined to believe that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. The primary disadvantage of indulging in cosmetic procedures is that they may accelerate skin aging. This is attributable to the presence of chemicals in cosmetics that have the potential to damage the skin and pose health risks to users. Additionally, these procedures demand a considerable amount of time and financial investment. Conversely, those funds could be allocated to other, potentially time-saving endeavors.

In conclusion, while the practice of investing substantial funds in cosmetic procedures may have both advantageous and detrimental effects on health and lifestyle, it is imperative for individuals to carefully weigh the pros and cons before embarking on such endeavors.