Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this day and age, the majority of young people spend too much of their leisure time in shopping centers which may lead to plenty of drawbacks for both them and society. In this essay, I will shed light on the reason why and explain why I agree with this statement.
Devoting a large amount of time to shopping malls could have disadvantages for the young generation. First and foremost, they could have harmful spending habits without containing themselves when facing to temptation. Obviously, they tend to splurge their money for impulse buying, hence this action could put young individuals into serious debt. Secondly, spending their spare time in shopping precincts, young people would have less time for physical activity and study. As a result, it would impact on their health and academic performance.
This phenomenon has not only effects on the young generation but also on society. Wasting money to make unnecessary purchases and lacking of money management by them, society would suffer a great deal. Obviously, a part of young people get into financial trouble while some manufacturers certainly have a life easier, hence this could put any society at a higher risk of a financial crisis and other finance-related problems. Furthermore, mass consumerism could lead to the waste of energy and resources, which serve many demands of them. Therefore, most of the power is distributed to malls, while in other places are cut down.
In conclusion, I agree with this statement mentioned above as there are a range of disadvantages for both young individuals and society when doing shopping. Therefore, we need to propose methods to solve this problem, particularly young people's awareness is most important.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is somewhat informal and can be replaced with "Currently" for a more concise and formal introduction.
"the majority of young people spend too much of their leisure time in shopping centers" -> "a significant proportion of the youth allocates excessive amounts of their leisure time to shopping centers"
Explanation: The phrase "the majority of young people spend too much of their leisure time" is slightly informal and can be enhanced by specifying "a significant proportion of the youth allocates excessive amounts of their leisure time," which sounds more formal and precise.
"plenty of drawbacks" -> "numerous disadvantages"
Explanation: "Plenty of drawbacks" is informal and lacks specificity. "Numerous disadvantages" is more formal and academically appropriate.
"shed light on" -> "explore"
Explanation: "Shed light on" is an idiom that might be considered too informal for academic writing. "Explore" is a more suitable alternative that maintains the intended meaning.
"could have harmful spending habits without containing themselves" -> "may develop detrimental spending habits without exercising restraint"
Explanation: The phrase "could have harmful spending habits without containing themselves" is awkward and unclear. "May develop detrimental spending habits without exercising restraint" is clearer and uses more precise vocabulary.
"facing to temptation" -> "facing temptation"
Explanation: "Facing to temptation" is incorrect due to the unnecessary preposition "to." The correct phrase is "facing temptation."
"splurge their money for impulse buying" -> "expend their funds on impulse purchases"
Explanation: "Splurge their money for impulse buying" is informal and lacks precision. "Expend their funds on impulse purchases" is more formal and accurately describes the action.
"put young individuals into serious debt" -> "result in significant debt for young individuals"
Explanation: "Put young individuals into serious debt" is a less formal expression. "Result in significant debt for young individuals" is more formal and clearly states the consequence.
"Wasting money to make unnecessary purchases and lacking of money management" -> "Excessive spending on unnecessary purchases and a lack of financial management"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revised version is more formal and flows better.
"society would suffer a great deal" -> "society could face substantial challenges"
Explanation: "Suffer a great deal" is somewhat emotional and less precise. "Could face substantial challenges" is more formal and provides a clearer description of the potential impact on society.
"a part of young people get into financial trouble" -> "a segment of the youth may encounter financial difficulties"
Explanation: "A part of young people get into" is informal and lacks clarity. "A segment of the youth may encounter financial difficulties" is more formal and precise.
"some manufacturers certainly have a life easier" -> "certain manufacturers may benefit significantly"
Explanation: "Some manufacturers certainly have a life easier" is informal and awkwardly phrased. "Certain manufacturers may benefit significantly" is clearer and more formal.
"mass consumerism could lead to the waste of energy and resources, which serve many demands of them" -> "widespread consumerism may result in the wastage of energy and resources, catering to their numerous demands"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revised version is more formal and provides a clearer explanation of how consumerism affects resource usage.
"most of the power is distributed to malls, while in other places are cut down" -> "a significant portion of energy is allocated to malls, resulting in reduced availability elsewhere"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The revised version is more formal and clearly explains the distribution and consequences of energy usage.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by discussing the potential negative effects of young people spending excessive time in shopping malls on both individuals and society. It acknowledges the concerns raised in the prompt and presents a clear stance.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing more specific examples or statistics could enhance the depth of analysis and strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, agreeing with the statement that young people spending too much time in shopping malls has negative effects. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, reinforcing the thesis statement and consistently aligning each paragraph with the agreed-upon position would make the essay more cohesive.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the potential drawbacks of spending time in shopping malls and supports them with examples. For instance, it discusses harmful spending habits, lack of physical activity, and the impact on society’s financial health.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could extend its ideas by delving deeper into each point. Providing more nuanced explanations and offering counterarguments would strengthen the overall argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, addressing the effects of spending time in shopping malls on young people and society. However, there are minor instances where the connection to the main topic could be clearer.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every paragraph directly relates to the prompt and that all examples and arguments consistently support the central theme.

Overall, this essay effectively responds to the prompt by acknowledging the concerns raised and presenting a clear stance. To further improve, it could benefit from deeper analysis, stronger examples, and ensuring every part of the essay directly supports the main argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically. It begins with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed, followed by body paragraphs that present arguments and examples to support the author’s viewpoint. The conclusion restates the position and suggests the need for solutions. However, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition between discussing the effects on young people and society could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic to avoid jumping between ideas, which can disrupt the flow of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to organize different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph addresses a specific point, such as the effects on young people or society. However, there is room for improvement in the structure and coherence of the paragraphs. Some paragraphs could be further developed to provide more depth and clarity to the arguments presented.
- How to improve: Aim for a more uniform structure in paragraphs by ensuring each one begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Support this idea with relevant examples or explanations, and conclude the paragraph by linking back to the thesis statement or transitioning to the next point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. For instance, words like "first and foremost" and "secondly" help to sequence arguments within paragraphs. However, there is limited variety in cohesive devices, and some transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve overall coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Incorporate a variety of transitional words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "however," to create stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to coherence at both the micro and macro levels to ensure a seamless flow of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout, with varied expressions used to convey ideas. For example, the essay employs diverse terminology such as "leisure time," "shopping centers," "drawbacks," "spending habits," "impulse buying," "academic performance," "financial crisis," and "mass consumerism," among others. These lexical choices enhance the clarity and richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. For instance, instead of using common phrases like "spending habits," consider alternatives like "consumption patterns" or "expenditure tendencies" to add depth to your language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely to convey intended meanings. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For instance, in the phrase "they tend to splurge their money for impulse buying," the term "splurge" might be slightly informal for this context. Using a more precise term like "lavishly spend" or "indulge in" could enhance the formal tone of the essay.
- How to improve: Ensure that each word chosen accurately reflects the intended meaning and context of the sentence. Avoid overly colloquial or informal language in academic essays to maintain a formal tone and precision in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with no glaring spelling errors observed. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "precincts" (corrected to "precincts") and "a part of young people get into financial trouble" (corrected to "a portion of young people gets into financial trouble"). While these errors do not significantly detract from the overall clarity of the essay, ensuring consistent attention to spelling accuracy is crucial for academic writing.
- How to improve: Utilize spell-checking tools and proofreading techniques to catch and correct any spelling errors before finalizing the essay. Additionally, consider expanding your vocabulary to improve spelling accuracy through increased exposure to a wider range of words.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with minor areas for improvement in precision and spelling accuracy. By refining these aspects, you can further enhance the clarity, coherence, and sophistication of your writing. Keep practicing and exposing yourself to diverse vocabulary to continue improving your lexical resource skills.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex sentences ("Devoting a large amount of time to shopping malls could have disadvantages for the young generation"), compound sentences ("First and foremost, they could have harmful spending habits without containing themselves when facing to temptation"), and conditional sentences ("Therefore, we need to propose methods to solve this problem, particularly young people’s awareness is most important"). These structures contribute to the overall coherence and sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes various sentence structures, incorporating more diverse sentence types such as interrogative or exclamatory sentences could further enhance the richness of expression. Additionally, varying the lengths of sentences can add rhythm and flow to the writing, making it more engaging for the reader.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are some areas where improvements could be made. For instance, there are instances of subject-verb agreement issues ("they tend to splurge their money for impulse buying"), and punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences ("Wasting money to make unnecessary purchases and lacking of money management by them, society would suffer a great deal"). Moreover, there are some awkward phrasings that could be revised for clarity and fluency ("hence this action could put young individuals into serious debt").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, paying close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensuring consistency in verb tense usage is essential. Additionally, revising sentences for clarity can help eliminate awkward phrasings and improve overall coherence. Utilizing punctuation effectively to indicate pauses and separate clauses will also contribute to the clarity and readability of the essay. Reviewing these aspects during the revision process and practicing grammar exercises can aid in improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, a significant proportion of the youth allocates excessive amounts of their leisure time to shopping centers, a trend that poses numerous disadvantages for both young individuals and society at large. In this essay, I will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon and explain why I agree with the assertion that it has negative effects.

Devoting a significant portion of their time to shopping malls may lead young people to develop detrimental spending habits without exercising restraint when facing temptation. They may find themselves inclined to expend their funds on impulse purchases, which can result in significant debt for young individuals. Additionally, spending excessive time in shopping precincts leaves young people with less time for physical activity and study, thereby impacting their health and academic performance.

The consequences of this trend extend beyond the individual to society as a whole. Excessive spending on unnecessary purchases and a lack of financial management by young people can lead to widespread financial difficulties within society. While certain manufacturers may benefit significantly from increased consumerism, society could face substantial challenges, including a higher risk of financial crises and other finance-related problems.

Moreover, widespread consumerism may result in the wastage of energy and resources, with a significant portion of energy being allocated to malls, thereby reducing availability elsewhere. This not only exacerbates environmental concerns but also affects the equitable distribution of resources.

In conclusion, I concur with the assertion that spending excessive time in shopping malls has negative effects on both young individuals and society. It is imperative that measures be taken to address this issue, with a focus on raising awareness among young people about the consequences of their spending habits and promoting healthier leisure activities.