Question: Many students find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school. What are the reasons? What could be done to solve this problem?

Question: Many students find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school.
What are the reasons? What could be done to solve this problem?

There are various reasons can affect to focus ability of children when study at school. But i think using smart phone without acceptance, due to does not understanding and does not feeling interest about the subjects are two main causes. To handle this issue, teachers could make compulsory rules to scure children put their attention on studying, together with use technology and interesting ways when they teaching to make student concentrate.
Nowaday, with afordable prices parents can give to their children a smart phone or tablet to support their studying. However, some children could not use it right way, they can not resist the temptation from video games or social media app. Consequently, the gadgets support the studying of children of accident affect to children, transfer their focus from study to their gadgets.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "There are various reasons can affect to focus ability of children when study at school." -> "Various factors can affect children’s ability to focus when studying at school."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and is grammatically incorrect. By restructuring the sentence and using "factors" instead of "reasons," the statement becomes more concise and grammatically accurate.

2. "But i think using smart phone without acceptance…" -> "However, I believe that unauthorized smartphone usage…"
   Explanation: The original phrase lacks formality due to the use of lowercase "i" and "without acceptance." Replacing it with "unauthorized smartphone usage" maintains clarity and formal tone.

3. "due to does not understanding and does not feeling interest about the subjects are two main causes." -> "due to a lack of understanding and a lack of interest in the subjects are two main causes."
   Explanation: The original phrase contains grammatical errors ("does not understanding" and "does not feeling interest") and lacks precision. By using "a lack of" instead of "does not" and rephrasing, the sentence becomes grammatically correct and clearer.

4. "To handle this issue, teachers could make compulsory rules to scure children put their attention on studying…" -> "To address this issue, teachers could implement mandatory rules to ensure that children focus on their studies…"
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and contains awkward phrasing. By using "address" instead of "handle" and restructuring the sentence, it becomes clearer and more formal.

5. "…together with use technology and interesting ways when they teaching to make student concentrate." -> "…alongside utilizing technology and engaging teaching methods to help students concentrate."
   Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks clarity. By replacing "together with use" with "alongside utilizing" and restructuring the sentence, it becomes more formal and precise.

6. "Nowaday, with afordable prices parents can give to their children a smart phone or tablet to support their studying." -> "Nowadays, with affordable prices, parents can provide their children with smartphones or tablets to support their studies."
   Explanation: The original sentence contains spelling errors ("afordable") and lacks clarity. By correcting the spelling and restructuring the sentence, it becomes grammatically accurate and clearer.

7. "However, some children could not use it right way, they can not resist the temptation from video games or social media app." -> "However, some children may not use it correctly, as they cannot resist the temptation of video games or social media apps."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and contains grammatical errors ("right way" should be "correctly"). By rephrasing and correcting the errors, the sentence becomes clearer and more formal.

8. "Consequently, the gadgets support the studying of children of accident affect to children, transfer their focus from study to their gadgets." -> "Consequently, the unintentional use of gadgets can distract children from studying, shifting their focus from academics to their devices."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and contains awkward phrasing. By rephrasing and clarifying the meaning, the sentence becomes clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It identifies two main reasons for students’ difficulty in concentrating at school: excessive use of smartphones without supervision and lack of understanding or interest in subjects. However, the response lacks depth in discussing potential solutions to the problem. It mentions making rules for students to focus and using technology and interesting teaching methods, but these suggestions are brief and could be expanded upon.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the essay should thoroughly explore potential solutions to the problem outlined in the prompt. This could involve discussing specific strategies for regulating smartphone use, such as parental controls or educational apps, as well as innovative teaching methods to engage students more effectively.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position throughout, acknowledging that smartphones and lack of interest in subjects are key reasons for students’ lack of focus. However, the expression of this position is somewhat muddled due to language issues and lack of elaboration. There is room for improvement in clearly articulating and consistently maintaining the stance throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should express the main argument in a more direct and cohesive manner. This could involve structuring the essay around a clear thesis statement that is reiterated and reinforced in each paragraph, providing coherence and reinforcing the author’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. For instance, it briefly mentions the negative impact of smartphones on students’ focus without providing specific examples or evidence to substantiate this claim. Similarly, the suggestion to use technology and interesting teaching methods is mentioned but not elaborated upon.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and examples to support its ideas. This could involve incorporating relevant research findings, statistics, or anecdotal evidence to strengthen the arguments and make them more persuasive.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally strays into tangential points, such as discussing the affordability of smartphones for parents. While this information may be relevant to a certain extent, it detracts from the central focus of the essay, which is addressing reasons for students’ difficulty in concentrating at school and proposing solutions.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the essay should avoid unnecessary tangents and remain tightly focused on addressing the prompt. This can be achieved by carefully planning the structure of the essay and ensuring that each paragraph contributes directly to addressing the main points of the prompt.

Overall, while the essay addresses some aspects of the prompt adequately, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of expression, development of ideas, and staying on topic. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can enhance its effectiveness in addressing the given prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the reasons why students find it difficult to concentrate in school and suggests solutions. However, the organization lacks clarity and coherence. The introduction briefly mentions two main causes without elaborating on them, and the body paragraphs do not effectively develop these points. Additionally, the conclusion is abrupt and does not summarize the main points presented in the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should have a clear and cohesive structure. Start with a well-defined introduction that outlines the reasons why students struggle to concentrate, followed by body paragraphs that delve into each reason in detail, supported by relevant examples or evidence. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the main thesis of the essay. Finally, conclude by summarizing the key points and offering solutions to address the problem.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks proper paragraphing, resulting in a lack of coherence and readability. There is only one long paragraph, which makes it challenging for readers to follow the flow of ideas and locate specific points. Without distinct paragraphs, the essay appears disorganized and difficult to navigate.
  • How to improve: Divide the essay into multiple paragraphs to improve readability and coherence. Start with an introduction paragraph that introduces the topic and thesis statement. Then, create separate paragraphs for each main point or idea discussed in the essay. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and begins with a clear topic sentence. Use transitions between paragraphs to create a smooth flow of ideas and facilitate understanding for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks cohesive devices, such as transition words or phrases, which are essential for connecting ideas and creating coherence. As a result, the progression of ideas feels disjointed, and the relationship between sentences and paragraphs is unclear. Without cohesive devices, the essay fails to guide the reader through the argument effectively.
  • How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices throughout the essay to improve coherence and cohesion. Use transition words and phrases (e.g., "however," "consequently," "therefore") to indicate logical relationships between ideas and to signal shifts between paragraphs. Additionally, employ cohesive devices within paragraphs, such as pronouns, parallel structure, and repetition, to reinforce connections between sentences and enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, including terms like "concentrate," "smart phone," "subjects," "compulsory rules," "technology," "studying," "affordable prices," "tablet," "temptation," "video games," "social media app," "gadgets," and "transfer their focus." However, there is room for improvement as some phrases are repetitive or lack variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, try incorporating synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "smart phone," consider using "mobile device," "cell phone," or "handheld device." Additionally, utilizing more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions can further enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "There are various reasons can affect to focus ability" and "However, some children could not use it right way." These phrases could be more precise and clear.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, ensure that each word is used accurately and effectively. For example, instead of "various reasons can affect to focus ability," consider "Several factors can impact a student’s ability to concentrate." Similarly, instead of "could not use it right way," try "struggle to use it appropriately."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "afordable" (affordable), "scure" (secure), and "studying" (study). These errors impact the readability and overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider using spell-checking tools or reviewing each word carefully before finalizing the essay. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises can help improve accuracy over time.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, using words more precisely, and improving spelling, the essay could achieve a higher score for Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complexity and variety in sentence structures. Most sentences follow a similar pattern, which can make the essay feel monotonous and less engaging. For example, "There are various reasons can affect to focus ability of children when study at school" is grammatically incorrect and lacks sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex and compound-complex sentences. Introduce phrases and clauses to add depth and complexity to your writing. Vary the length and structure of sentences to maintain reader interest. For instance, instead of starting each sentence with a subject-verb construction, try incorporating introductory phrases or subordinate clauses.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that hinder clarity and precision. For example, "There are various reasons can affect to focus ability of children when study at school" should be corrected to "There are various reasons that can affect children’s ability to focus when studying at school." Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization.
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation rules. Review basic grammar principles, including subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Proofread your writing carefully to identify and correct errors. Consider seeking feedback from a tutor or utilizing grammar-checking tools to improve your accuracy. Focus on using punctuation marks correctly to enhance clarity and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are various factors that can affect children’s ability to focus when studying at school. However, I believe that unauthorized smartphone usage, due to a lack of understanding and a lack of interest in the subjects, are two main causes. To address this issue, teachers could implement mandatory rules to ensure that children focus on their studies, alongside utilizing technology and engaging teaching methods to help students concentrate.

Nowadays, with affordable prices, parents can provide their children with smartphones or tablets to support their studies. However, some children may not use them correctly, as they cannot resist the temptation of video games or social media apps. Consequently, the unintentional use of gadgets can distract children from studying, shifting their focus from academics to their devices.