Some children spend most of their free time taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, some pupils use a remarkable segment of their leisure time to participate in clubs and schedule activities. Despite some obvious disadvantages of this trend, I would argue that these are outweighed by the advantages.

To begin with, it is necessary to regard the negative aspects of fulfilling kids time. Firstly, students who take part in planned activities do not have time for themselves. As a result, this could affect their holistic health such as burn-out, stress, or even depression if there is no free time for these children. In addition, youngsters can not enjoy their childhood with family in a regular way like others.

On the flip side, youth should take part in more organized activities and clubs. In my opinion, relationships can be held when children go out and meet up with their seniors in the club or some kinds of activities that they are joining. These seniors will guide minors on teamwork, help children to become a leader, and make them more confident in themselves. Moreover, participation in scheduled activities or clubs can improve youngsters' motivation. For example, kids attend a voluntary organization and they want to help people who are vulnerable as much as they can. This is also a good way for children to gain more love and feel empathy and compassion with disadvantaged people.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the advantages of this point are more significant than the disadvantages. Although over schedules can make youth work too hard and feel exhausted because of these activities, facing many challenges also help youngsters obtain and develop new skills while preparing for their future and their dream.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Nowadays, some pupils use a remarkable segment of their leisure time to participate in clubs and schedule activities." -> "In contemporary times, certain students allocate a significant portion of their leisure time to engage in clubs and scheduled activities."
Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "In contemporary times" provides a more formal and academic tone. Additionally, substituting "use" with "allocate" and "remarkable segment" with "significant portion" enhances precision and formality.
"Despite some obvious disadvantages of this trend, I would argue that these are outweighed by the advantages." -> "Despite the apparent drawbacks of this trend, I contend that they are outweighed by the benefits."
Explanation: Replacing "obvious disadvantages" with "apparent drawbacks" and "I would argue" with "I contend" contributes to a more sophisticated and formal expression of the author’s opinion.
"it is necessary to regard the negative aspects of fulfilling kids time." -> "it is essential to consider the adverse effects of occupying children’s time."
Explanation: Substituting "regard" with "consider" and "fulfilling kids time" with "occupying children’s time" maintains formality and precision in conveying the idea.
"Firstly, students who take part in planned activities do not have time for themselves." -> "Firstly, students engaged in organized activities lack personal time."
Explanation: Replacing "take part in planned activities" with "engaged in organized activities" streamlines the language, making it more concise and formal.
"In addition, youngsters can not enjoy their childhood with family in a regular way like others." -> "Additionally, young individuals are unable to experience a conventional childhood with family."
Explanation: Substituting "youngsters" with "young individuals" and "can not" with "are unable to" contributes to a more formal and precise expression of the idea.
"On the flip side, youth should take part in more organized activities and clubs." -> "Conversely, young individuals should participate in more structured activities and clubs."
Explanation: Replacing "On the flip side" with "Conversely" enhances the formal transition between paragraphs, and "youth" with "young individuals" maintains a more formal tone.
"relationships can be held when children go out and meet up with their seniors in the club or some kinds of activities that they are joining." -> "Relationships can be established as children socialize and interact with their elders in clubs or other activities they participate in."
Explanation: Substituting "held" with "established," and rephrasing for clarity and formality, results in a more polished expression.
"Moreover, participation in scheduled activities or clubs can improve youngsters’ motivation." -> "Furthermore, engagement in planned activities or clubs can enhance the motivation of young individuals."
Explanation: Replacing "Moreover" with "Furthermore" and "youngsters’" with "young individuals’" contributes to a more formal and cohesive writing style.
"This is also a good way for children to gain more love and feel empathy and compassion with disadvantaged people." -> "This also provides a beneficial avenue for children to cultivate affection, empathy, and compassion towards disadvantaged individuals."
Explanation: Enhancing the formality by replacing "good way" with "beneficial avenue" and restructuring for clarity and precision.
"Although over schedules can make youth work too hard and feel exhausted because of these activities…" -> "While overscheduling can lead young individuals to work excessively and experience fatigue due to these activities…"
Explanation: Substituting "youth" with "young individuals" and rephrasing for clarity and formality result in a more polished expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both advantages and disadvantages of children spending their free time in clubs and scheduled activities. The negative aspects are acknowledged, and a clear stance is presented.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more specific examples of the advantages and disadvantages to strengthen the analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The position is evident in the introduction and consistently supported in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, you can strengthen the essay by explicitly restating the stance in the conclusion to reinforce the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, develops them, and supports them with relevant examples. For instance, the argument about building relationships and gaining motivation is well-elaborated.
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay, consider providing more depth in the analysis of specific examples, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the implications.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely on topic, addressing the advantages and disadvantages of children’s participation in clubs and scheduled activities.
- How to improve: Ensure that examples provided are directly related to the impact on children’s leisure time. Be cautious of general statements that may slightly deviate from the main topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively addressing both sides of the argument. To improve, consider providing more specific examples and deepening the analysis of existing examples. Additionally, restate the position in the conclusion to reinforce the overall stance. Be vigilant about staying focused on the main topic and avoiding general statements that may slightly deviate from the central theme.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by presenting both sides of the argument, followed by a clear thesis statement. Each body paragraph discusses a specific aspect of the topic, with supporting examples. The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively. However, there are instances where the flow could be smoother, especially in the transition between the negative aspects and positive aspects of participating in clubs.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. For instance, a smoother transition from the negative aspects to the positive ones can improve the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the development of body paragraphs, particularly in providing more detailed and varied supporting examples.
- How to improve: Strengthen body paragraphs by incorporating more specific and diverse examples. This can enrich the content and make the essay more compelling. Additionally, ensure a consistent and balanced length for paragraphs to maintain a harmonious structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("To begin with," "On the flip side," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("this trend," "these activities"). While these contribute to coherence, there is a need for more variety and precision in the use of cohesive devices.
- How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices by incorporating conjunctions, linking words, and synonyms where appropriate. This will enhance the essay’s overall cohesion and make the connections between ideas more explicit. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun clarity to avoid any potential confusion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion, but refining the logical organization, enriching supporting examples, and diversifying cohesive devices can elevate the score to a higher band.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary, with varied expressions such as "holistic health," "burn-out," "vulnerable," and "empathy." However, there is room for improvement as some vocabulary choices are repetitive, such as the frequent use of "youth" and "children."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary variety, consider using synonyms or alternative expressions. For instance, instead of consistently using "youth" or "children," try incorporating terms like "adolescents," "youngsters," or "juveniles" when appropriate.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary, but there are instances where words could be chosen more accurately. For example, the phrase "a remarkable segment of their leisure time" could be more precisely expressed, perhaps as "a significant portion of their leisure time." Additionally, the term "seniors" might be misleading, as it usually refers to older individuals, and in this context, "peers" or "mentors" might be more fitting.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the nuances of words and choose them based on context. Consider using a thesaurus to find more precise alternatives. Also, be mindful of potential misunderstandings, and choose words that accurately convey your intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors, such as "fulfilling kids time" (correct: "filling kids’ time") and "schedule activities" (correct: "scheduled activities").
- How to improve: Continue proofreading to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using grammar and spell-check tools to enhance accuracy. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically can contribute to improved spelling over time.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, refining word choices for precision and consistently applying correct spelling practices will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used, providing a variety that contributes to coherence. For instance, the author effectively employs compound sentences, such as "Although over schedules can make youth work too hard and feel exhausted because of these activities, facing many challenges also help youngsters obtain and develop new skills while preparing for their future and their dream." However, the use of more sophisticated structures, such as complex sentences with embedded clauses or varied sentence beginnings, could enhance the overall richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating complex sentences with embedded clauses. Additionally, vary sentence beginnings to create a more engaging and dynamic prose. For instance, instead of consistently starting sentences with "In my opinion" or "Moreover," experiment with different introductory phrases and clauses.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with minor errors. For instance, the phrase "use a remarkable segment of their leisure time" could be improved by replacing "use" with "devote," resulting in a more precise expression. Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are instances where the comma usage can be refined. For example, in the sentence "Firstly, students who take part in planned activities do not have time for themselves," a comma after "Firstly" is unnecessary, and a smoother transition could be achieved without it.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to word choices and precision. Replace common words with more specific ones where applicable. For punctuation improvement, review the use of commas to ensure they enhance clarity and flow. Practice varying sentence structures to refine overall grammatical accuracy. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and rectify subtle errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, attention to refining sentence structures and ensuring precision in word choices will contribute to an even more polished piece.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, some students allocate a significant portion of their leisure time to engage in clubs and scheduled activities. Despite some apparent drawbacks of this trend, I contend that these are outweighed by the benefits.

To begin with, it is essential to consider the adverse effects of occupying children’s time. Firstly, students engaged in organized activities lack personal time, potentially affecting their holistic health by causing burnout, stress, or even depression due to a lack of free time. Additionally, young individuals are unable to experience a conventional childhood with family in a regular way.

Conversely, young individuals should participate in more structured activities and clubs. In my opinion, relationships can be established as children socialize and interact with their elders in clubs or other activities they participate in. These seniors will guide minors on teamwork, help children become leaders, and make them more confident in themselves. Furthermore, engagement in planned activities or clubs can enhance the motivation of young individuals. For example, kids attending a voluntary organization may develop a strong desire to help vulnerable people, fostering affection, empathy, and compassion towards disadvantaged individuals.

While overscheduling can lead young individuals to work excessively and experience fatigue due to these activities, it is crucial to recognize that facing challenges also helps youngsters obtain and develop new skills, preparing them for their future and their dreams.

In conclusion, the advantages of this approach seem to me more significant than the disadvantages. Although overscheduling can make youth work too hard and feel exhausted, the positive aspects, such as skill development, motivation, and the cultivation of empathy, outweigh these concerns.