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Some children spend most of their free time taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Some children spend most of their free time taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In today’s society, participating in clubs and planned activities is a trend for kids to give many times with. I still believe that this is outweighed by the advantages.

On one hand, there are many benefits of joining clubs and planned activities. Firstly, it can make them learn more about acquiring knowledge and practical skills. For example, participate in clubs and planned activities where they are interactive with other people so that helps them improve communication skills, interpersonal and team-work skills. It is a key for their future work. Secondly, a circle of friends and avoid living in isolation or self-care.A classic example about myself, I learn a number of new things and madke new relationships by taking part in clubs. Moreover, it teaches me to become a sociable and responsible person.

On the other hand, spending a lot of time with clubs and other activities lead to reduced academic results. For example, participating in clubs and planned activities can make them forget their assignment in class due to tasks or other activities in clubs that must be done. Besides, if you join a lot of clubs, you would not have time for yourself such as hang out or shopping with friends instead of do many actions for clubs to contribute and develop it.

In conclusion, this trend is contributing for children many practical skills which is important skills for their life and I believe that this is a negative progress for the above-mentioned arguments. I hope that high schools and universities need to encourage kids and students to participate in clubs and planned activities to interact with many people.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. “participating in clubs and planned activities is a trend for kids to give many times with” -> “engaging in clubs and organized activities is a prevalent practice among children, offering numerous opportunities”
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and clarity. Using “engaging” instead of “participating” and rephrasing the sentence provides a clearer description of the situation. Additionally, “prevalent practice” is more formal than “trend,” and “offering numerous opportunities” emphasizes the advantages more effectively.
  2. “I still believe that this is outweighed by the advantages.” -> “However, I contend that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.”
    Explanation: The phrase “I still believe” is somewhat informal. “Contend” adds a more assertive academic tone, and “outweigh the drawbacks” is a more formal way to express the comparative advantage.
  3. “make them learn more about acquiring knowledge and practical skills” -> “facilitate the acquisition of both theoretical knowledge and practical skills”
    Explanation: “Make them learn” lacks sophistication. “Facilitate the acquisition” elevates the language and specifies the process. “Theoretical knowledge” emphasizes a broader educational aspect.
  4. “For example, participate in clubs and planned activities where they are interactive with other people so that helps them improve communication skills, interpersonal and team-work skills.” -> “For instance, participating in clubs and planned activities encourages interaction, fostering the enhancement of communication, interpersonal, and teamwork skills.”
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted. “Encourages interaction” provides a more direct link between participation and skill development. “Fostering the enhancement” elevates the language and clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship.
  5. “Secondly, a circle of friends and avoid living in isolation or self-care.” -> “Secondly, it facilitates the formation of social circles and prevents social isolation or self-neglect.”
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks coherence and contains grammatical errors. “Facilitates the formation” denotes a more active role in the creation of social circles, and “prevents social isolation or self-neglect” is more precise.
  6. “a number of new things and madke new relationships” -> “various new experiences and establish new relationships”
    Explanation: “A number of new things” is vague. “Various new experiences” is more specific. “Establish new relationships” is a clearer and more formal way to express making new connections.
  7. “Moreover, it teaches me to become a sociable and responsible person.” -> “Additionally, it fosters the development of sociability and responsibility within me.”
    Explanation: The revised phrase offers a more academic tone and explicitly highlights personal development.
  8. “spending a lot of time with clubs and other activities lead to reduced academic results.” -> “Dedicating excessive time to clubs and other activities can lead to a decline in academic performance.”
    Explanation: “Spending a lot of time” is informal. “Dedicating excessive time” is more precise. “Can lead to a decline in academic performance” provides a more formal expression of the consequence.
  9. “participating in clubs and planned activities can make them forget their assignment in class due to tasks or other activities in clubs that must be done.” -> “Involvement in clubs and planned activities may result in neglecting classroom assignments due to club-related tasks or obligations.”
    Explanation: The revised version maintains the meaning while presenting it in a more formal and structured manner.
  10. “if you join a lot of clubs, you would not have time for yourself such as hang out or shopping with friends instead of do many actions for clubs to contribute and develop it.” -> “Extensive club involvement may limit personal leisure activities, such as socializing or shopping with friends, as it requires substantial commitment to contribute to and develop these clubs.”
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. The revised version rephrases it more coherently and in a more formal tone, addressing the consequences of heavy club involvement.
  11. “this trend is contributing for children many practical skills” -> “this trend fosters the development of numerous practical skills in children”
    Explanation: “Contributing for children many practical skills” lacks clarity and is grammatically incorrect. “Fosters the development of numerous practical skills in children” presents the idea more clearly.
  12. “I hope that high schools and universities need to encourage kids and students to participate in clubs and planned activities to interact with many people.” -> “It is my hope that high schools and universities will actively encourage children and students to engage in clubs and organized activities, fostering extensive social interaction.”
    Explanation: The original sentence is wordy and lacks precision. The revised version is more concise and formal, emphasizing the role of institutions in promoting social interaction through activities.

By addressing these language issues, the essay gains clarity and maintains a more formal and academic tone, better suited for scholarly writing.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: “In today’s society, participating in clubs and planned activities is a trend for kids to give many times with. I still believe that this is outweighed by the advantages.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity and coherence. The writer’s position is somewhat unclear due to language issues. To enhance clarity, rephrase the introduction to explicitly state the writer’s viewpoint and briefly outline the main advantages and disadvantages that will be discussed in the essay.
    • Improved example: “In contemporary society, it has become a common trend for children to engage in clubs and planned activities. Despite this, I firmly believe that the benefits of such engagements far surpass the drawbacks. In the following essay, I will explore the advantages and disadvantages of children participating in organized activities.”
  2. Quoted text: “Firstly, it can make them learn more about acquiring knowledge and practical skills. For example, participate in clubs and planned activities where they are interactive with other people so that helps them improve communication skills, interpersonal and team-work skills. It is a key for their future work. Secondly, a circle of friends and avoid living in isolation or self-care.A classic example about myself, I learn a number of new things and madke new relationships by taking part in clubs. Moreover, it teaches me to become a sociable and responsible person.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While the paragraph presents some advantages, it lacks depth in idea development. Provide specific examples or personal experiences to support each point. Additionally, separate and clarify each idea to avoid confusion. For instance, expand on how engaging in clubs enhances communication skills by sharing a personal anecdote or a specific example.
    • Improved example: “Firstly, active participation in clubs and planned activities exposes children to diverse knowledge and practical skills. For instance, my involvement in a debate club not only improved my communication skills but also honed my ability to work collaboratively in a team. These skills are crucial for their future professional endeavors. Secondly, engaging in such activities fosters the formation of a social circle, preventing isolation and promoting self-care. A personal example illustrates this; through club participation, I not only gained knowledge but also formed lasting friendships, transforming me into a more sociable and responsible individual.”
  3. Quoted text: “On the other hand, spending a lot of time with clubs and other activities lead to reduced academic results. For example, participating in clubs and planned activities can make them forget their assignment in class due to tasks or other activities in clubs that must be done. Besides, if you join a lot of clubs, you would not have time for yourself such as hang out or shopping with friends instead of do many actions for clubs to contribute and develop it.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The paragraph discusses disadvantages, but the points lack sufficient development. Elaborate on the impact on academic results and provide concrete examples. Also, be more concise and clear in expressing ideas. For example, specify how club activities may lead to forgetting assignments and provide a personal or hypothetical scenario to illustrate this.
    • Improved example: “However, excessive involvement in clubs and planned activities may adversely affect academic performance. For instance, the commitment to various club tasks can result in overlooking important classroom assignments. In my experience, I once neglected a crucial assignment deadline due to my involvement in a club event. Furthermore, the time commitment to multiple clubs can limit personal leisure, hindering opportunities for socializing with friends or engaging in self-rejuvenating activities like hanging out or shopping.”

Overall, the essay provides relevant ideas but lacks consistency in idea development and clarity, contributing to a Band 6 score. Strengthening the examples and organizing ideas more coherently will significantly improve the essay’s overall quality.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some organizational structure with a basic introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. There is a clear attempt to present ideas both in favor of and against the topic. However, coherence and cohesion are hindered by language issues, such as grammatical errors, awkward sentence structures, and unclear expression of ideas. The essay lacks overall progression and is somewhat repetitive.

The use of cohesive devices is limited and often inaccurate, leading to difficulties in following the logical flow of ideas. Paragraphing is attempted, but it lacks logical organization. The essay’s coherence is compromised by the inconsistent use of referencing and substitution. While the central topic is present in each paragraph, the lack of clarity in expression affects the overall coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Focus on improving language proficiency to enhance clarity and coherence.
  2. Ensure accurate and appropriate use of cohesive devices to connect ideas.
  3. Pay attention to paragraph structure for logical organization and progression of ideas.
  4. Work on avoiding repetition and use referencing consistently and appropriately.
  5. Review grammar and sentence structure to eliminate errors and improve overall readability.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some inaccuracies and limited control of word formation. The writer attempts to convey ideas but faces challenges in expressing them clearly and precisely. There is a noticeable reliance on repetitive vocabulary and basic language structures, contributing to a limited range overall. The essay includes spelling errors and inaccuracies in word choice, impacting the overall coherence and effectiveness of the communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on diversifying vocabulary, using more sophisticated language structures, and refining word choice for accuracy. Additionally, careful proofreading to address spelling and word formation errors is crucial. Achieving a Band 6 or higher would require a more varied and precise use of vocabulary, with fewer errors in word choice and spelling.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, contributing to a Band 6 score. While there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, they do not significantly hinder communication. The essay attempts to use a variety of complex structures, but some errors and inaccuracies are present.

How to improve:
To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring consistency in verb tenses. Additionally, attention to word choice and clarity can help eliminate awkward phrasing. Proofreading for grammatical errors will further improve the overall quality of the essay.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, engaging in clubs and planned activities has become a common pastime for many children. While there are notable advantages, I am of the opinion that the drawbacks are outweighed by the benefits.

On the positive side, there are numerous advantages to being part of clubs and planned activities. Firstly, such engagements foster the acquisition of knowledge and practical skills. For instance, active participation in clubs involves interaction with peers, enhancing communication, interpersonal, and teamwork skills—essential attributes for future professional success. Secondly, it facilitates the formation of a social circle, preventing feelings of isolation and promoting a sense of responsibility. Personally, my involvement in clubs has not only broadened my knowledge but also led to the formation of new relationships, shaping me into a sociable and responsible individual.

Conversely, dedicating excessive time to clubs and activities can have a detrimental impact on academic performance. For instance, the commitment to clubs may lead to neglect of assignments or class responsibilities. Moreover, an excessive involvement in multiple clubs may deprive individuals of personal time, hindering social activities like hanging out with friends or shopping. This imbalance can impede personal growth and well-being.

In conclusion, although the trend of participating in clubs and planned activities equips children with vital practical skills, the potential negative impact on academic performance and personal time management should not be overlooked. Striking a balance is crucial, and I believe that educational institutions should encourage and guide students in finding this equilibrium, ensuring a well-rounded development.

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