Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn’t sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In contemporary society, some people claim that adolescents should do a part-time job to earn money for themselves with the hope of learning more prominent lessons and training them to become disciplined. At the same time, others reckon that these activities will hurt themselves. This is always a long-standing and contentious debate for a numerous reason. In this essay, I will analyze both viewpoints before concluding with a personal perspective.
On the one side of the spectrum, we cannot deny that part-time work provides adolescents various merits for their overall development. Take a working tutor as an example, we can see that teenagers can enhance their knowledge and broaden their horizons as the more they teach, the more knowledge they can gain and remember. According to research on the Internet shows that teenagers who work part-time jobs always have a good source of social knowledge and discipline. Beyond these benefits, having a part-time job will help the adolescent understand the value of earning money so that they will know how to use this money for suitable needs in their life.
On the other hand, doing a part-time job also leads to some drawbacks in teenagers' lives. Doing a part-time job without having a specific schedule will lead to a decrease in study and make them feel exhausted. Moreover, this phenomenon also leads to some health problems, especially mental, and makes adolescent lose their ability. Besides that, if their work does not require creativity and brainstorming, they will soon lose their current ability and affect their study result.
In conclusion, while doing part-time work still shows some drawbacks, I maintain my stance that adolescent should have a part-time job to enrich their knowledge and gain more essential skills for their life. However, it is important to understand the value of how that work brings to our life and have a specific schedule to maintain study and working time.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "do a part-time job" -> "engage in part-time employment"
   Explanation: "Engage in part-time employment" is a more formal and precise term that better fits the academic context, enhancing the formality and specificity of the language used.

2. "earn money for themselves" -> "generate income for themselves"
   Explanation: "Generate income" is a more formal and precise term than "earn money," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in this context.

3. "with the hope of learning more prominent lessons" -> "with the aim of acquiring more significant skills"
   Explanation: "Acquiring more significant skills" is more specific and academically appropriate than "learning more prominent lessons," which is vague and less formal.

4. "training them to become disciplined" -> "cultivating discipline in them"
   Explanation: "Cultivating discipline in them" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of developing discipline in individuals, aligning better with academic language standards.

5. "a numerous reason" -> "numerous reasons"
   Explanation: "Numerous reasons" should be plural to correctly reflect the multiple factors contributing to the debate, improving grammatical accuracy.

6. "we cannot deny that" -> "it is undeniable that"
   Explanation: "It is undeniable that" is a more formal and assertive way to introduce a statement, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

7. "various merits" -> "numerous benefits"
   Explanation: "Numerous benefits" is a more precise and formal term than "various merits," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in academic writing.

8. "Take a working tutor as an example" -> "Consider the example of a working tutor"
   Explanation: "Consider the example of" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "Take a working tutor as an example," which is somewhat informal and awkwardly phrased.

9. "the more they teach, the more knowledge they can gain and remember" -> "the more they teach, the more knowledge they can acquire and retain"
   Explanation: "Acquire and retain" are more precise and formal terms than "gain and remember," which are somewhat colloquial and less specific.

10. "According to research on the Internet shows" -> "Research on the Internet suggests"
    Explanation: "Research on the Internet suggests" is a more concise and formal way to introduce evidence, avoiding the awkward construction of "According to research on the Internet shows."

11. "always have a good source of social knowledge and discipline" -> "consistently develop social skills and discipline"
    Explanation: "Consistently develop social skills and discipline" is a more precise and formal way to describe the benefits of part-time work, avoiding the vague and informal "good source of social knowledge and discipline."

12. "doing a part-time job also leads to some drawbacks" -> "engaging in part-time employment also entails certain drawbacks"
    Explanation: "Engaging in part-time employment also entails certain drawbacks" uses more formal vocabulary and a more precise verb choice, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

13. "make them feel exhausted" -> "leave them feeling exhausted"
    Explanation: "Leave them feeling exhausted" is a more formal and passive construction, which is often preferred in academic writing to describe the effect of actions on individuals.

14. "lose their ability" -> "suffer a decline in their abilities"
    Explanation: "Suffer a decline in their abilities" is a more formal and precise way to describe the negative impact on abilities, avoiding the vague and informal "lose their ability."

15. "adolescent should have a part-time job" -> "adolescents should engage in part-time employment"
    Explanation: "Adolescents should engage in part-time employment" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language, aligning with academic standards.

16. "have a specific schedule to maintain study and working time" -> "establish a schedule to balance study and work commitments"
    Explanation: "Establish a schedule to balance study and work commitments" is a more formal and precise way to express the importance of time management, enhancing the academic tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding teenagers working part-time. The first paragraph outlines the argument in favor of part-time work, emphasizing the benefits of learning discipline and gaining knowledge. The second paragraph presents the opposing view, discussing the potential drawbacks, such as exhaustion and negative impacts on mental health. However, while both perspectives are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the nuances within each viewpoint, particularly in how they relate to the overall development of teenagers.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include specific examples or statistics that illustrate the benefits and drawbacks more vividly. Additionally, explicitly linking the arguments back to the prompt in the conclusion would reinforce the comprehensive nature of the discussion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that supports part-time work for teenagers, as indicated in the conclusion. However, the initial presentation of the views could be more balanced, as the introduction suggests a more neutral stance. The transition to the author’s opinion could be made clearer to avoid any potential confusion about the writer’s overall position.
  • How to improve: The writer should ensure that their opinion is clearly stated in the introduction and consistently reinforced throughout the essay. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" at strategic points can help clarify the writer’s stance and guide the reader through the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the benefits of part-time work, such as gaining knowledge and learning the value of money. However, the support for these ideas could be more robust. For instance, the mention of research is vague and lacks citation, which weakens the argument. The drawbacks are mentioned but could be elaborated upon with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the overall analysis.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. Including specific studies or real-life examples would lend credibility to the arguments. Additionally, expanding on how part-time work can lead to skill development would provide a more comprehensive view.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing both sides of the argument regarding teenagers and part-time work. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For instance, the mention of "losing their current ability" in the context of part-time work lacks clarity and could confuse the reader about the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the main topic of the essay. Avoiding vague phrases and ensuring clarity in expression will help keep the discussion relevant and on track. Additionally, a more structured approach to presenting each viewpoint could enhance coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in providing specific evidence, maintaining clarity of position, and ensuring all points are directly relevant to the prompt. By addressing these aspects, the writer can elevate their score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing viewpoints, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and each body paragraph addresses a distinct perspective. For example, the first body paragraph outlines the advantages of part-time work, while the second discusses its drawbacks. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother, as some sentences feel slightly disjointed. For instance, the connection between the benefits of part-time work and the example of a working tutor could be more explicitly stated.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point is clearly linked to the previous one, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" to guide the reader through your arguments.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more uniformity in length and depth. The first body paragraph is relatively long and contains multiple ideas, while the second is shorter and less developed.
  • How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by ensuring each paragraph contains a similar number of sentences and explores its main idea thoroughly. Consider breaking down complex ideas into separate sentences or even sub-points to maintain clarity. For example, the discussion on health problems in the second paragraph could be expanded with specific examples or statistics to provide a more comprehensive view.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one side of the spectrum" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be stronger. For example, the phrase "this phenomenon also leads to some health problems" could be better connected to the previous sentence to clarify how part-time work contributes to these issues.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Additionally," "Consequently," or "In contrast" to create smoother transitions between ideas. Also, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "part-time job," you could use "such work" or "these roles" in subsequent mentions.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced discussion of the viewpoints. By focusing on improving logical organization, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a band score of 8 or above.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contemporary society," "adolescents," "discipline," and "merits." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with the term "adolescent," which appears multiple times without variation. Phrases like "doing a part-time job" and "earn money" are used frequently, which limits the lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "adolescent," alternatives like "teenagers," "youth," or "young individuals" could be used. Additionally, varying phrases such as "engaging in part-time work" or "earning an income" would make the essay more engaging and demonstrate a broader lexical resource.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "hurt themselves" is vague and could be more accurately expressed as "negatively impact their well-being" or "detract from their academic performance." Furthermore, the term "social knowledge" is unclear and could be better articulated to convey a specific meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that clearly conveys the intended meaning. This can be achieved by providing context or examples that clarify the terms used. For instance, instead of "social knowledge," the writer could specify "interpersonal skills" or "social awareness," which would provide a clearer understanding of the concept being discussed.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, there are some instances where spelling could be improved, such as "a numerous reason," which should be "numerous reasons," and "adolescent lose their ability," which should be "adolescents lose their abilities." These errors, while not frequent, can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular vocabulary exercises can also help reinforce correct spelling and usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and carefully proofreading for spelling errors, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively employs a complex structure: "In contemporary society, some people claim that adolescents should do a part-time job to earn money for themselves with the hope of learning more prominent lessons and training them to become disciplined." However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "this is always a long-standing and contentious debate for a numerous reason" uses a somewhat awkward construction, which could be simplified or rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences with subordinate clauses and conditional phrases. For example, instead of saying "if their work does not require creativity and brainstorming, they will soon lose their current ability," the writer could use a conditional structure: "Should their work lack creativity and brainstorming, they risk losing their current abilities." Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings and incorporating more transitional phrases could improve the flow and coherence of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall clarity. For example, the phrase "this phenomenon also leads to some health problems, especially mental, and makes adolescent lose their ability" lacks clarity and should be rephrased for grammatical accuracy. The use of "adolescent" should be pluralized to "adolescents" to match the context. Additionally, the sentence "According to research on the Internet shows that teenagers who work part-time jobs always have a good source of social knowledge and discipline" is grammatically incorrect; it should be restructured to "According to research on the Internet, teenagers who work part-time jobs tend to have a good source of social knowledge and discipline."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch errors in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Practicing the use of commas and conjunctions will also enhance punctuation skills. For instance, separating clauses with appropriate punctuation can clarify meaning and improve readability. It is advisable to review grammar rules related to complex sentences and subject-verb agreement, particularly in the context of plural nouns.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, some people claim that adolescents should engage in part-time employment to generate income for themselves, with the aim of acquiring more significant skills and cultivating discipline in them. At the same time, others argue that these activities may be detrimental to their well-being. This is a long-standing and contentious debate for numerous reasons. In this essay, I will analyze both viewpoints before concluding with my personal perspective.

On one side of the spectrum, it is undeniable that part-time work provides adolescents with numerous benefits for their overall development. Consider the example of a working tutor; we can see that teenagers can enhance their knowledge and broaden their horizons, as the more they teach, the more knowledge they can acquire and retain. Research on the Internet suggests that teenagers who engage in part-time employment consistently develop social skills and discipline. Beyond these benefits, having a part-time job helps adolescents understand the value of earning money, enabling them to learn how to allocate their earnings for suitable needs in their lives.

On the other hand, engaging in part-time employment also entails certain drawbacks in teenagers’ lives. Without a specific schedule to balance study and work commitments, they may experience a decline in their academic performance and feel exhausted. Moreover, this phenomenon can lead to various health problems, particularly mental health issues, causing adolescents to suffer a decline in their abilities. Additionally, if their work does not require creativity and critical thinking, they may soon lose their current skills, negatively impacting their academic results.

In conclusion, while engaging in part-time employment presents certain drawbacks, I maintain my stance that adolescents should participate in part-time jobs to enrich their knowledge and gain essential skills for their lives. However, it is crucial to recognize the value of how such work contributes to their development and to establish a schedule that effectively balances study and work commitments.