Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination,while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, many people believe that hard work and determination is a key factor that leads to success, whereas others may hold a different viewpoint that finance and appearance are more vital components. This essay will discuss both views and present my perspective.
On the one hand, hard work help people gain valuable experience in many different aspects of life. For instance, when we learn how to play guitar, we practise them everyday which can help us improve significantly and minimise the mistakes. Besides, determination give us motivation to set up goals which becomes the foundation of success. Therefore, we can easily overcome the troubles in life and keep moving forward.
On the other hand, there are more important factors like money and appearance. Firstly, money bring people power and fame. A person who have a great deal of wealth have various opportunities to progress rapidly in life. For example, if a person is wealthy, they can easily buy many learning courses of invest in polishing their style to upgrade themselves. Moreover, personal appearance is one of the most crucial factors impacting achievement. Particularly, a person who has a good appearance can easily seeking for a job and get people a good impression.

In conclusion, although success can be achieved by hard work and determination, I am deeply convinced that money and appearance play a vital role beside the above-mentioned factors.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Nowadays" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In contemporary society" is a more formal and precise phrase than "Nowadays," which enhances the academic tone of the introduction.
"many people believe" -> "it is a widely held belief"
Explanation: "It is a widely held belief" sounds more formal and avoids the casual tone implied by "many people believe."
"hard work and determination is" -> "hard work and determination are"
Explanation: Correcting the verb agreement from "is" to "are" addresses the grammatical error, as "hard work and determination" are two subjects.
"a key factor" -> "crucial factors"
Explanation: Since the essay discusses multiple factors (hard work and determination), using the plural "crucial factors" is more accurate and maintains formal tone.
"help people gain" -> "helps individuals acquire"
Explanation: Changing "help" to "helps" corrects the verb form to match the singular subject "hard work," and "individuals acquire" is more formal than "people gain."
"practise them everyday" -> "practice it daily"
Explanation: "Practice it daily" corrects the grammatical error ("them" to "it" for agreement with "guitar") and replaces "everyday" (an adjective) with the adverbial phrase "daily" for correct usage.
"give us motivation" -> "provides us with motivation"
Explanation: "Provides us with motivation" is more formal and precise than "give us motivation."
"becomes the foundation" -> "become the foundation"
Explanation: Correcting "becomes" to "become" for subject-verb agreement with "goals."
"money bring people" -> "money brings individuals"
Explanation: "Brings" corrects the verb for singular subject agreement, and "individuals" is preferred in academic writing over "people."
"have a great deal of wealth have" -> "with a great deal of wealth has"
Explanation: Revising the phrase to "with a great deal of wealth has" corrects the grammatical structure and verb agreement.
"learning courses of invest" -> "learning courses or invest"
Explanation: Correcting "of" to "or" for the correct conjunction in this context.
"seeking for a job" -> "seeking employment"
Explanation: "Seeking employment" is a more formal and precise way of stating "seeking for a job."
"get people a good impression" -> "make a favorable impression on others"
Explanation: "Make a favorable impression on others" is more formal and accurately conveys the intended meaning.
"beside the above-mentioned factors" -> "in addition to the aforementioned factors"
Explanation: "In addition to the aforementioned factors" is a more formal and precise way to indicate inclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both perspectives regarding the factors contributing to success: hard work and determination, as well as money and appearance. However, the discussion lacks depth and thorough exploration. There is no clear identification of the different viewpoints within the essay, making it challenging to distinguish between the writer’s opinion and the presentation of both sides.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that both perspectives are clearly delineated in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Explicitly state each viewpoint and provide supporting arguments for each. Additionally, focus on expanding the discussion to provide a more nuanced analysis of the opposing views.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a clear position, but it is somewhat ambiguous. While the writer briefly mentions their opinion in the conclusion, stating that money and appearance are vital factors alongside hard work and determination, the position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The lack of clarity weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: Strengthen the essay’s clarity by consistently reinforcing the chosen position throughout each paragraph. Clearly express the writer’s opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in each body paragraph with supporting evidence. Avoid ambiguity to ensure the reader understands the stance clearly.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks development and adequate support. For instance, while it briefly mentions examples such as practicing guitar to improve skills and the potential advantages of wealth in accessing learning opportunities, these ideas remain underdeveloped and lack elaboration. Furthermore, the examples provided are somewhat generic and lack specificity.
- How to improve: Enhance the presentation of ideas by providing more detailed examples and elaborating on each point. Use specific instances or case studies to illustrate the arguments effectively. Additionally, ensure that each idea is logically connected and supported with relevant evidence to strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally deviates, particularly in the second paragraph where the discussion shifts towards the advantages of wealth and personal appearance without directly linking them to the concept of success. These tangential discussions weaken the coherence and relevance of the essay.
- How to improve: Maintain a clear focus on the topic throughout the essay by avoiding tangential discussions and ensuring that every point directly contributes to the central argument. Keep the discussion relevant to the prompt by consistently relating each idea back to the concept of success and the factors influencing it.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents some relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in clarity, depth of analysis, and relevance to the topic. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the overall coherence and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to discuss both views on success factors, starting with an introduction that outlines the two main perspectives. However, the development of ideas lacks clarity and coherence. There is a lack of clear progression between ideas, and the paragraphing does not effectively separate different points. For instance, the paragraph discussing hard work and determination combines multiple ideas without clear transitions. Similarly, the paragraph discussing money and appearance also lacks a clear organizational structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, it’s essential to establish a clear structure for the essay. Begin by structuring the introduction to clearly present both viewpoints and the author’s opinion. Each body paragraph should focus on one main idea supported by examples and explanations. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain coherence. Additionally, consider using topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay’s progression.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited. Each paragraph contains multiple ideas without clear topic sentences or transitions between them. This lack of coherence within paragraphs hinders the reader’s understanding of the essay’s main points. Additionally, paragraph length varies inconsistently, further disrupting the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Develop this idea with supporting details and examples, maintaining focus throughout the paragraph. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to create a logical flow of ideas. Consider revising paragraph length to achieve consistency and balance in the essay’s structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." However, their usage is limited, and there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices throughout the essay. Additionally, the effectiveness of these devices is hindered by the overall lack of coherence and organization in the essay.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to improve coherence and cohesion. Include a mix of transitional words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "however," and "in conclusion," to signal shifts in ideas and enhance the essay’s flow. Ensure cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, focus on improving overall coherence and organization to maximize the effectiveness of cohesive devices.

Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt and present arguments on both sides of the issue, there is significant room for improvement in coherence and cohesion. By focusing on logical organization, effective paragraphing, and diverse use of cohesive devices, the essay can enhance clarity and improve the reader’s understanding of the author’s arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating words and phrases such as "determination," "vital components," "valuable experience," "motivation," "wealth," "progress rapidly," and "crucial factors." However, there is room for improvement in utilizing a broader spectrum of vocabulary to enhance depth and variety in expression. For instance, synonyms or alternative phrases could be employed to avoid repetition and add nuance to the discussion.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider diversifying word choices by utilizing synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and specialized terminology relevant to the topic. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "important" or "crucial," explore alternatives such as "significant," "paramount," or "pivotal." Additionally, incorporate vocabulary related to specific aspects of success, such as perseverance, resilience, prosperity, aesthetics, or affluence, to enrich the content and demonstrate lexical versatility.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise or awkward word choices that detract from clarity and impact. For example, the phrase "determination give us motivation" could be refined to "determination provides us with motivation," enhancing precision and readability. Similarly, the sentence "A person who have a great deal of wealth have various opportunities" could be revised to "Individuals possessing significant wealth often encounter numerous opportunities," improving clarity and grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, strive for clarity and accuracy in conveying ideas. Pay attention to verb agreement, tense consistency, and appropriate word forms to ensure coherence and fluency. Utilize dictionaries, thesauruses, and language resources to explore nuanced meanings and select the most appropriate words for conveying intended messages. Additionally, proofread and revise the essay to identify and rectify any instances of ambiguous or awkward phrasing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mixed level of spelling accuracy. While some words are spelled correctly, there are notable instances of misspellings throughout the text. For example, "invest" is misspelled as "invest in," "practise" should be "practice," and "seeking" should be "seeking for." These errors, although not pervasive, detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing spelling and grammar checking tools, both manually and digitally, to identify and correct errors. Develop a habit of proofreading written work carefully before submission, paying particular attention to commonly misspelled words and homophones. Additionally, engage in regular reading and vocabulary expansion exercises to reinforce correct spelling patterns and enhance language proficiency. Finally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring spelling errors and implement targeted strategies for improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to vary sentence structures, although there is room for improvement. The writer uses a mix of simple and compound sentences. However, the complexity of sentence structures could be enhanced further to add sophistication and clarity to the essay. For instance, while there are instances of complex sentences ("On the one hand, hard work help people gain valuable experience in many different aspects of life"), more complex structures involving subordinate clauses or participial phrases could be incorporated to enhance coherence and fluency.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate a wider range of sentence types, including complex and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinate clauses, participial phrases, and appositives to add depth and complexity to the writing. Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and lengths can contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated prose style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout its content. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("hard work help people" should be "hard work helps people") and incorrect verb tense usage ("A person who have" should be "A person who has"). Additionally, punctuation errors such as missing commas in compound sentences and incorrect usage of articles ("buy many learning courses of invest" should be "buy many learning courses or invest") detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper article usage. Proofreading the essay carefully for punctuation errors such as missing commas and incorrect apostrophe usage can help enhance the overall clarity and readability of the writing. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools can aid in identifying and correcting grammatical inaccuracies effectively. Furthermore, practicing sentence construction and grammatical rules through targeted exercises can strengthen the writer’s grasp of English grammar and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, in contemporary society, it is a widely held belief that success in life stems from hard work and determination, while others argue that factors such as money and appearance hold greater importance. This essay aims to discuss both perspectives and offer my own opinion.

On one hand, hard work and determination are crucial factors that help individuals acquire valuable experience across various aspects of life. For example, when we diligently practice playing an instrument like the guitar daily, we gradually improve and minimize mistakes. Moreover, determination provides us with motivation to set goals, serving as the foundation for success. Consequently, we can navigate life’s challenges more effectively and maintain progress.

On the other hand, there are proponents who argue for the significance of money and appearance. Firstly, money brings individuals opportunities, power, and recognition. Those with substantial wealth can readily access learning courses or invest in personal development to enhance their skills and refine their style. Additionally, personal appearance plays a pivotal role, particularly in professional settings. Presenting oneself well can make a favorable impression on others, thereby increasing opportunities, especially when seeking employment.

In conclusion, while success can indeed be achieved through hard work and determination, I am inclined to believe that money and appearance also play crucial roles, in addition to the aforementioned factors. Each element contributes uniquely to an individual’s journey towards success, and a balanced consideration of all these factors is essential for comprehensive personal growth and achievement.