Some people think the government should not spend on international aid because there are disadvantaged people in their countries, such as the unemployed and homeless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think the government should not spend on international aid because
there are disadvantaged people in their countries, such as the unemployed and
homeless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A controversial issue in modern society is international supports. There are many people who believe that global assistance brings many detrimental effects for residents who live in their countries. I totally agree with foreign aid for reasons I will outline below.
From an overall perspective, there are a variety of reasons why I partly agree with the government should spend international assistance in domestic countries. Firtly, the unemployment will decrease significantly if governments concentrate on providing and developing the people’s needs such as healthcare systems, entertainment services, manufacturing and especially advanced education. As a result, it creates many job opportunities for all people which contributes to economic growth in their countries. It is crucial that overseas assistance not only help individuals to improve their lives with stable incomes but also decrease the rate of homeless civilians.
However, there are also some negative aspects of domestic aid. The regions can be limited understanding and can not broaden their horizons when they just focus on their countries. Nevertheless, there is a measure to tackle this problem. The authorities should enhance educational programs for all people, which they can use knowledge to develop their native lands. The authorities not only can expand trade but also can advertise country’s culture images internationally. This can lead to greater regconition and respect from foreign areas.
In conclusion, this is a topic which is very relevant in modern society. My personal view is that the government should support their regions first, then when the country becomes stronger, governments can invest in oversea regions. This collaborative approach will more prosperity and improved the quality of life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "international supports" -> "international support"
   Explanation: "Supports" is a plural noun and does not fit the context of a singular concept. Using "support" corrects this grammatical error and aligns with the intended meaning.

2. "brings many detrimental effects" -> "has many detrimental effects"
   Explanation: The verb "brings" implies causation, which is not the intended meaning here. "Has" is more appropriate as it indicates the presence of effects without implying causation.

3. "I totally agree" -> "I strongly agree"
   Explanation: "Totally" is somewhat informal and can be vague. "Strongly" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

4. "the government should spend international assistance" -> "the government should allocate international assistance"
   Explanation: "Spend" is too informal and imprecise in this context. "Allocate" is more specific and appropriate for discussing budgetary decisions.

5. "Firtly" -> "Firstly"
   Explanation: "Firtly" is a typographical error. "Firstly" is the correct form.

6. "providing and developing the people’s needs" -> "providing and developing the needs of the people"
   Explanation: The phrase "the people’s needs" is grammatically correct, but placing "of" before "the people" clarifies the possessive relationship, enhancing readability and formality.

7. "entertainment services" -> "entertainment services and facilities"
   Explanation: Adding "facilities" provides a more specific and detailed description of the services, enhancing the clarity and precision of the statement.

8. "advanced education" -> "advanced educational systems"
   Explanation: "Advanced education" is vague; specifying "educational systems" provides a clearer and more formal description of the type of education being referred to.

9. "it creates many job opportunities" -> "it generates numerous job opportunities"
   Explanation: "Creates" is somewhat informal and vague; "generates" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

10. "decrease the rate of homeless civilians" -> "reduce the incidence of homelessness"
    Explanation: "Decrease the rate of homeless civilians" is awkward and imprecise. "Reduce the incidence of homelessness" is more formal and accurately describes the reduction in homelessness.

11. "can be limited understanding" -> "may have limited understanding"
    Explanation: "Can be limited understanding" is grammatically incorrect. "May have limited understanding" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning.

12. "can not broaden their horizons" -> "cannot broaden their horizons"
    Explanation: "Can not" is a less formal contraction; "cannot" is the correct form for formal writing.

13. "The authorities should enhance educational programs" -> "The authorities should enhance educational programs for all"
    Explanation: Adding "for all" clarifies that the enhancement is intended for all people, not just a specific group.

14. "which they can use knowledge to develop their native lands" -> "enabling them to utilize knowledge to develop their native lands"
    Explanation: "Which they can use" is informal and vague. "Enabling them to utilize" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style.

15. "This can lead to greater regconition" -> "This can lead to greater recognition"
    Explanation: "Regconition" is a typographical error. Correcting it to "recognition" fixes the spelling mistake.

16. "more prosperity and improved the quality of life" -> "more prosperity and improved quality of life"
    Explanation: "Improved the quality of life" is grammatically incorrect. "Improved quality of life" is the correct form, maintaining grammatical accuracy and flow.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of prioritizing domestic aid over international assistance. The writer expresses a partial agreement with the notion that government spending should focus on local disadvantaged populations. However, the response could be clearer in explicitly stating the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt. The phrase "I totally agree with foreign aid" is somewhat contradictory to the overall argument presented, which emphasizes domestic needs.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and re-emphasize it throughout the essay. A more direct approach could involve clearly outlining the benefits of prioritizing domestic aid while acknowledging the potential merits of international assistance, thereby providing a balanced view.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows some inconsistency in the position taken. While the introduction suggests a strong agreement with foreign aid, the body paragraphs primarily argue for domestic aid. This inconsistency can confuse readers about the writer’s actual stance.
  • How to improve: The writer should ensure that the position is clearly articulated and consistently supported throughout the essay. Using phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" can help reinforce the writer’s stance. Additionally, summarizing the position in the conclusion can help solidify the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of focusing on domestic aid, such as job creation and economic growth. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples or data. For instance, the mention of "advanced education" lacks elaboration on how this directly impacts unemployment or homelessness.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide specific examples or statistics to support their claims. Expanding on each point with relevant details will enhance the overall argument. For instance, discussing a specific country or program that successfully reduced unemployment through domestic aid would provide a more compelling argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate between domestic and international aid. However, some parts, such as the discussion on broadening horizons and cultural recognition, feel somewhat tangential and could distract from the main argument.
  • How to improve: The writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. It may be beneficial to outline the main arguments before writing to maintain focus. Each paragraph should clearly tie back to the central thesis regarding the prioritization of domestic aid over international assistance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improving clarity, consistency, and support for ideas will help raise the band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, stating that the author agrees with prioritizing domestic aid before international assistance. However, the organization of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of domestic aid to the negative aspects of focusing solely on domestic issues feels abrupt. The argument about the need for educational programs could be better integrated into the discussion of domestic aid rather than being presented as a separate point.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through contrasting points more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the structure within those paragraphs could be more effective. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly outline the main arguments that will be discussed. The second paragraph mixes points about domestic aid with a discussion of its limitations, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could solely discuss the benefits of domestic aid, while the second could address the potential drawbacks and the need for a balanced approach. This separation will help clarify the argument and make it easier for the reader to follow.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "as a result," to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, "the authorities" is mentioned multiple times without variation, which can make the text feel monotonous.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or varying sentence structures. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "the authorities," you could use "government officials" or "policy makers." Additionally, incorporating more linking words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "in contrast," "for instance") can help create smoother transitions between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall argument and a potentially higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "international aid," "detrimental effects," and "economic growth." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks sophistication. For instance, the phrase "government should spend international assistance" could be varied with alternatives like "allocate resources for international aid" or "invest in global support initiatives."
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "government," consider using "authorities," "administration," or "policymakers." Additionally, integrating more complex phrases or idiomatic expressions can elevate the overall vocabulary range.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "the regions can be limited understanding" is unclear and grammatically incorrect; it likely intended to convey that "regions may have limited understanding." Moreover, "regconition" is a misspelling of "recognition," which further complicates comprehension.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and grammatical accuracy. Revising sentences for grammatical correctness and ensuring that vocabulary accurately conveys the intended meaning is crucial. For example, instead of "can not broaden their horizons," it could be rephrased as "may struggle to broaden their perspectives."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Firtly" instead of "Firstly," "regconition" instead of "recognition," and "oversea" instead of "overseas." These errors undermine the professionalism of the writing and can distract the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or writing software can help identify and correct spelling mistakes. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them before submission can be beneficial. Practicing writing exercises focused on spelling can also reinforce correct usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "As a result, it creates many job opportunities for all people which contributes to economic growth in their countries" combines multiple clauses effectively. However, there are instances where sentence structures are repetitive or simplistic, such as "The authorities should enhance educational programs for all people, which they can use knowledge to develop their native lands." This could be improved by incorporating more varied structures, such as conditional sentences or more complex clauses.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using a mix of different types of sentences. For example, try starting sentences with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Although there are challenges, the government should prioritize local needs") or using passive voice where appropriate (e.g., "Many job opportunities are created through government initiatives"). Practicing sentence transformation exercises can also help in this regard.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "Firtly" is a misspelling of "Firstly," and "the unemployment will decrease" should be "unemployment will decrease" to avoid unnecessary articles. Additionally, the phrase "can not broaden their horizons" should be written as "cannot" for correct usage. Punctuation errors include missing commas, such as in "the authorities should enhance educational programs for all people, which they can use knowledge to develop their native lands," where a clearer separation of clauses would improve readability.
  • How to improve: Focus on proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors before finalizing the essay. Utilize grammar-checking tools or resources to identify common mistakes. Additionally, practice writing complex sentences with correct punctuation, ensuring that clauses are properly separated and that conjunctions are used correctly. Reading more academic texts can also help in understanding proper grammar and punctuation usage.

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its grammatical range and accuracy, potentially raising the band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

A controversial issue in modern society is international support. Many people believe that global assistance has many detrimental effects on residents living in their own countries. I strongly agree with the need for foreign aid for several reasons that I will outline below.

From an overall perspective, there are a variety of reasons why I partly agree that the government should allocate international assistance in domestic contexts. Firstly, unemployment will decrease significantly if governments concentrate on providing and developing the needs of the people, such as healthcare systems, entertainment services and facilities, manufacturing, and especially advanced educational systems. As a result, this generates numerous job opportunities for all individuals, contributing to economic growth in their countries. It is crucial that overseas assistance not only helps individuals improve their lives with stable incomes but also reduces the incidence of homelessness.

However, there are also some negative aspects of focusing solely on domestic aid. Regions may have a limited understanding of the world and cannot broaden their horizons when they only concentrate on their own countries. Nevertheless, there is a measure to tackle this problem. The authorities should enhance educational programs for all, enabling them to utilize knowledge to develop their native lands. This approach can not only expand trade but also promote the country’s cultural image internationally. This can lead to greater recognition and respect from foreign areas.

In conclusion, this is a topic that is very relevant in modern society. My personal view is that the government should support their regions first, and then, when the country becomes stronger, they can invest in overseas regions. This collaborative approach will lead to more prosperity and an improved quality of life.