Some people think watching TV is bad for children, while others think that watching TV has more beneficial effects on children. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

It is believed that watching TV, known as a negative impact for the young generation. While others hold the advantageous effects of watching TV on youngsters. From my perspective, I strongly advocate the former view. This essay will demonstrate the reason for my agreement and elaborate upon it with supporting evidence.

Children, addicted to the television have a potential to get depression because of lacking connection between them and their parents. For instance, thanks to the television's prevalance, the data of American children, got drepression is risen significantly. Another point to make is that there are many programmes, have unacceptable scenes or actions that should not be released to children. The young age, requires a wide range of experience and information could be educated wrongly because of the negative environment, surrounded them, especially, the television. Therefore, I believe that watching TV develop a negetive area for children.

People, advocate the positive impacts of the television might argue the useful aspect of watching TV, entertainment. They believe that the children, thanks to the difiiculty of the education, demonstrated by the ministry of education and training, must have a relaxing time by watching TV. In addition, most parents argue the benefit of the television as a world wide learning. In the present day, those parents focus on training children to watch beneficial programmes such as Discovery channel, News to have a wide range knowledge. These hightlight the view that watching TV can be more positive effects on youngsters.

In conclusion, many people argue watching TV make a disadvantageous impact on children, however, some hold the opposite perspective.

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Errors and Improvements:

"known as a negative impact for the young generation" -> "recognized as having a detrimental effect on the younger generation"
Explanation: The phrase "known as a negative impact" lacks precision and formality. Replacing it with "recognized as having a detrimental effect" enhances clarity and aligns with academic tone.
"advantageous effects" -> "beneficial effects"
Explanation: "Advantageous effects" is a bit informal. "Beneficial effects" is a more formal and precise alternative in academic writing.
"From my perspective" -> "In my opinion"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is slightly informal. "In my opinion" is a more formal and common phrase in academic writing.
"demonstrate the reason for my agreement" -> "justify my stance"
Explanation: "Demonstrate the reason for my agreement" is somewhat redundant and lacks conciseness. "Justify my stance" is a more precise and succinct alternative.
"Children, addicted to the television" -> "Children addicted to television"
Explanation: Removing the comma and "the" before "television" makes the phrase grammatically correct and more concise.
"potential to get depression" -> "potential to develop depression"
Explanation: "Get depression" is too colloquial. "Develop depression" is a more appropriate and formal choice.
"thanks to the television’s prevalance" -> "due to the prevalence of television"
Explanation: "Thanks to" is too casual for academic writing. "Due to" is a more suitable alternative. Additionally, "prevalence" should be corrected to "prevalence of television" for clarity.
"the data of American children, got drepression is risen significantly" -> "the prevalence of depression among American children has risen significantly"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and is grammatically incorrect. "The data of American children" is unclear; it should be revised to "the prevalence of depression among American children." Additionally, "got drepression is risen" should be corrected to "depression has risen significantly" for proper grammar and clarity.
"have unacceptable scenes or actions" -> "depict unacceptable scenes or actions"
Explanation: "Have" is too vague in this context. "Depict" is a more precise verb choice.
"the young age, requires a wide range of experience and information" -> "young age requires exposure to a wide range of experiences and information"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and has awkward phrasing. Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and conciseness.
"develop a negetive area" -> "create a negative environment"
Explanation: "Develop a negative area" is unclear and awkward. "Create a negative environment" is a clearer and more concise expression.
"People, advocate" -> "Advocates"
Explanation: "People, advocate" lacks grammatical correctness. "Advocates" is the correct form for third-person plural.
"the useful aspect of watching TV, entertainment" -> "the entertainment value of television"
Explanation: "The useful aspect of watching TV, entertainment" is awkward and lacks clarity. "The entertainment value of television" is a more concise and precise phrase.
"thanks to the difiiculty of the education, demonstrated by the ministry of education and training" -> "due to the challenges in education, as demonstrated by the ministry of education and training"
Explanation: "Thanks to" is too informal for academic writing. "Due to" is a more appropriate alternative. Additionally, "difiiculty" should be corrected to "difficulty."
"to have a relaxing time by watching TV" -> "to relax by watching TV"
Explanation: The original phrase is unnecessarily wordy. Simplifying it improves clarity and conciseness.
"most parents argue the benefit of the television" -> "most parents argue for the benefits of television"
Explanation: "The benefit of the television" is awkward and lacks clarity. "The benefits of television" is a more precise and concise expression.
"These hightlight the view" -> "These highlight the perspective"
Explanation: "Hightlight the view" is grammatically incorrect. "Highlight the perspective" is a more accurate and formal expression.
"make a disadvantageous impact" -> "have a detrimental impact"
Explanation: "Make a disadvantageous impact" is less precise and formal. "Have a detrimental impact" is a clearer and more formal expression.
"hold the opposite perspective" -> "maintain a contrary viewpoint"
Explanation: "Hold the opposite perspective" is slightly informal. "Maintain a contrary viewpoint" is a more formal and precise alternative.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding the effects of watching TV on children. It acknowledges the negative impact, such as potential depression and exposure to inappropriate content, while also mentioning the positive aspects, such as entertainment and educational value.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced discussion of both perspectives. The essay should delve deeper into the beneficial effects mentioned and provide more specific examples or evidence to support each viewpoint.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position advocating the negative impact of watching TV on children. The stance is evident from the outset and maintained throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, provide a concise thesis statement in the introduction that clearly states the author’s position and briefly outlines the main points to be discussed.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. While it mentions potential negative effects and positive aspects of watching TV, it lacks elaboration and specific examples to fully support these points.
- How to improve: To improve, expand on each idea presented by providing specific examples, statistics, or studies to strengthen the argument. Additionally, extend the discussion to include deeper analysis and explanation of the presented ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the effects of watching TV on children as prompted. However, there are some instances of vague or unclear statements that may slightly deviate from the main topic.
- How to improve: Ensure all points made directly relate to the topic of the effects of watching TV on children. Avoid vague or ambiguous statements that do not contribute to the overall discussion.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear position and attempts to address both sides of the argument, it would benefit from more thorough development and support of ideas, as well as a more balanced discussion of both perspectives. Additionally, ensuring all points made directly relate to the topic will further strengthen the essay’s coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. Each paragraph attempts to present a different viewpoint (negative impacts of TV, positive impacts of TV), but the transition between these viewpoints is somewhat abrupt, lacking a smooth flow. Additionally, the essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument coherently.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay more clearly with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed, body paragraphs that present arguments in a logical sequence with appropriate transitions, and a conclusion that summarizes the key points and restates the author’s opinion. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to separate different ideas but lacks consistency and coherence in paragraph structure. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, while others lack clear topic sentences or adequate development of the main point.
- How to improve: Focus on structuring paragraphs around a single main idea, with a clear topic sentence at the beginning to introduce the central theme of the paragraph. Ensure each paragraph develops this idea coherently with supporting details and examples. Use transitions between paragraphs to maintain coherence and guide the reader through the essay effectively.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("them," "their"), conjunctions ("while," "however"), and repetition of key phrases ("watching TV"). However, these cohesive devices are used inconsistently and often ineffectively, resulting in disjointed and choppy prose.
- How to improve: Increase the variety and strategic use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to improve coherence and cohesion. Incorporate cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "in addition," "consequently"), referencing (e.g., "this demonstrates," "as previously mentioned"), and parallel structures to establish logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, consider using more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to maintain reader engagement and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 9

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, encompassing various terms and phrases to convey ideas. For example, terms like "prevalence," "advocate," "negetive," "hightlight," and "disadvantageous" are used effectively to express different concepts.
- How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is generally strong, incorporating more precise and nuanced vocabulary can further elevate the essay. Instead of repetitive phrases like "negative impact" and "positive effects," consider using synonyms or more descriptive language to enhance clarity and sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage are evident in the essay. For instance, the term "negetive" should be spelled as "negative." Additionally, phrases like "data of American children, got drepression" lack precision and clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, ensure accurate spelling and grammar throughout the essay. Proofreading carefully can help in identifying and correcting such errors. Moreover, aim for clearer and more specific language to effectively communicate ideas without ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "drepression" instead of "depression" and "negetive" instead of "negative." These errors impact the readability and overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises or vocabulary drills can help reinforce correct spelling conventions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong lexical resource with a wide range of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in terms of precision and spelling accuracy. By addressing these aspects, the essay can further enhance its clarity, coherence, and overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures, primarily relying on simple sentence structures. There is a lack of complexity in sentence formation, resulting in repetitive patterns that hinder the flow and sophistication of the essay. For example, the essay predominantly consists of simple declarative sentences with subject-verb-object structure, with minimal variation in sentence length or structure.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of the essay, incorporating a diverse array of sentence structures would be beneficial. This could involve utilizing complex sentences with subordinate clauses, compound sentences, and varied sentence beginnings. Introducing rhetorical devices such as parallelism, inversion, or appositives can also add depth and complexity to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and lacks proper punctuation, which impede clarity and comprehension. There are instances of subject-verb agreement errors, incorrect verb tense usage, and inconsistencies in sentence structure. Additionally, punctuation marks such as commas and periods are often missing or misplaced, leading to confusion and ambiguity.
- How to improve: Improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills requires careful proofreading and revision. It is essential to review each sentence for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Utilizing grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also aid in identifying and correcting errors. Moreover, familiarizing oneself with grammatical rules and punctuation conventions through practice exercises and reference materials can contribute to improved accuracy in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely recognized that television can have a detrimental effect on the younger generation, while others believe in its beneficial effects. In my opinion, I lean towards the former view. This essay will justify my stance and provide supporting evidence.

Children addicted to television may have the potential to develop depression due to a lack of connection with their parents. For example, the prevalence of television has contributed to a significant rise in depression among American children. Additionally, many programs depict unacceptable scenes or actions that are not suitable for children. The young age of children requires exposure to a wide range of experiences and information, and being surrounded by such a negative environment, especially through television, can lead to misinformation. Therefore, I believe that watching TV can create a negative environment for children.

Advocates of the positive impacts of television may argue for its entertainment value. They believe that children, facing challenges in education as demonstrated by the Ministry of Education and Training, need relaxation time, which they can find by watching TV. Furthermore, most parents argue for the benefits of television as a tool for global learning. Nowadays, parents focus on guiding children to watch educational programs such as Discovery Channel and News to broaden their knowledge. These perspectives highlight the potential positive effects of television on youngsters.

In conclusion, while many argue that watching TV can have a detrimental impact on children, some maintain a contrary viewpoint.