Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true that ex-prisoners can alter for the better and become more productive members of society. Therefore, I totally believe that these are the best people to discourage the young from engaging in illicit activities.

Firstly, teenagers are more likely to heed advice from someone who has firsthand the knowledge of the consequences of doing criminal activity. Such people can tell young individuals about how they became involved in crime, how severe the life in confinement is, and the feeling of lifelong guilt afterwards. The vivid and perhaps shocking nature of these stories can make them become more authentic and relatable to the youth, which take center stage in the process of personality development and shaping the character of children. Granted, one might argue that figures of authority or public influencers are the better alternatives to educate teenagers about crimes on account of high visibility and credibility. However, reformed wrongdoers can provide much more unique insights and outlook that non-experienced people might not be able to, which holds more credible sources of information for juveniles to grasp.

Furthermore, talking with former offenders may evoke strong emotional reactions from teengers positively. This is because their genuine stories of transformation and rehabilitation resonate with young people, who may feel disconnected and unloved from their nearby relationships. As a result, children who are on the verge of giving up or nearly pursuing unlawful acts may have hope and demonstrate that change is possible. Admittedly, it is often controversial that adolescents, who are still very impressionable, might idolize ex-lawbreakers and try to imitate their criminal behavior. Nevertheless, after hearing about how much suffering they and their loved ones experienced when they were serving a prison term, as seen in cases where perpetrators are not allowed to visit their dying family members, I doubt that anyone would choose to go down the delinquent path.

In conclusion, those who are completely redeemed as law-abiding citizens are the best people to give insightful and valuable counsel to hinder the young generation from participating in felonious practices.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is true that ex-prisoners can alter for the better and become more productive members of society." -> "It is evident that former prisoners can reform and become more productive members of society."
Explanation: Replacing "It is true that" with "It is evident that" enhances the formal tone, and "former prisoners" is more precise than "ex-prisoners." "Reform" is a more academic term than "alter for the better."
"Therefore, I totally believe" -> "Therefore, I firmly believe"
Explanation: "Totally" is too informal for academic writing; "firmly" maintains a strong conviction while being more appropriate for formal contexts.
"these are the best people" -> "these individuals are the most effective"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "most effective" is a more precise and academically suitable term than "best."
"Firstly" -> "First"
Explanation: "Firstly" is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing; "First" is more straightforward and appropriate.
"has firsthand the knowledge" -> "has firsthand knowledge"
Explanation: "Has firsthand the knowledge" is grammatically incorrect; "has firsthand knowledge" is the correct phrase.
"doing criminal activity" -> "engaging in criminal activities"
Explanation: "Engaging in criminal activities" is more precise and formal than "doing criminal activity."
"take center stage" -> "play a central role"
Explanation: "Play a central role" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "take center stage," which is idiomatic.
"figures of authority or public influencers" -> "authoritative figures or public influencers"
Explanation: "Authoritative figures" is a more precise and formal term than "figures of authority."
"reformed wrongdoers" -> "reformed offenders"
Explanation: "Offenders" is a more formal and precise term than "wrongdoers."
"much more unique insights" -> "more unique insights"
Explanation: "Much more" is redundant with "unique," so "more unique" is sufficient and maintains the intended meaning.
"teengers" -> "teenagers"
Explanation: "Teenagers" is the correct spelling, not "teengers."
"strong emotional reactions from teengers positively" -> "strong positive emotional reactions from teenagers"
Explanation: "Positive" should be placed before "emotional reactions" for grammatical correctness and clarity.
"children who are on the verge of giving up or nearly pursuing unlawful acts" -> "children who are on the verge of abandoning or nearly engaging in illegal activities"
Explanation: "Abandoning" and "engaging in illegal activities" are more precise and formal than "giving up" and "unlawful acts."
"delinquent path" -> "criminal path"
Explanation: "Criminal path" is a more direct and formal term than "delinquent path," which is less commonly used in this context.
"those who are completely redeemed as law-abiding citizens" -> "those who have fully redeemed themselves as law-abiding citizens"
Explanation: "Have fully redeemed themselves" is more precise and formal than "are completely redeemed," and it clarifies the subject’s agency in the redemption process.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly agreeing with the statement that ex-prisoners are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing crime. The writer presents a well-structured argument that discusses both the advantages of ex-prisoners sharing their experiences and the potential counterarguments. Each part of the question is thoroughly explored, with specific examples provided to support the main argument.
- How to improve: While the essay is strong, to further enhance the response, the writer could consider briefly acknowledging the perspectives of those who disagree with the statement. This would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate an even deeper engagement with the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear and consistent position throughout the essay, firmly supporting the idea that ex-prisoners are the best advisors for teenagers. Phrases like "I totally believe" and "I doubt that anyone would choose to go down the delinquent path" reinforce the writer’s stance. The use of transitional phrases helps in maintaining clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could restate their main argument in the conclusion more emphatically, perhaps by summarizing the key reasons that support their viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The writer extends their points by providing examples, such as the emotional impact of ex-prisoners’ stories and the unique insights they can offer. The use of specific scenarios, like the inability to visit dying family members, adds depth to the argument.
- How to improve: While the ideas are well-supported, the writer could enhance the essay by including more statistical evidence or studies that highlight the effectiveness of ex-prisoners in outreach programs. This would provide a stronger empirical foundation for the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the role of ex-prisoners in advising teenagers against crime without deviating into unrelated areas. The arguments are relevant and contribute directly to the central thesis.
- How to improve: To ensure continued focus, the writer should be cautious of introducing any tangential ideas, such as the potential for teenagers to idolize ex-prisoners. While this point is relevant, it could be more succinctly integrated into the overall argument to avoid any perceived distractions from the main thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a high level of proficiency in addressing the task response criteria, warranting a band score of 9. The suggestions for improvement are minor and would serve to enhance an already strong response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of ex-prisoners as effective mentors for teenagers. The introduction establishes the writer’s stance, while each body paragraph develops a specific point supporting this view. For instance, the first paragraph discusses the value of firsthand experience in conveying the consequences of crime, while the second paragraph focuses on the emotional impact of reformed offenders’ stories. However, the logical progression between ideas could be enhanced. The transition from the first to the second paragraph feels somewhat abrupt, as the connection between the two points is not explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that link ideas more clearly. For example, at the end of the first paragraph, a sentence summarizing how the emotional impact discussed in the second paragraph builds on the first point could create a smoother transition. Additionally, outlining the main points in the introduction could help the reader anticipate the structure of the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, framing the discussion appropriately. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided into smaller sections to enhance clarity, especially where the discussion shifts from the positive impact of stories to the potential negative influence of idolizing ex-offenders.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the positive emotional effects of reformed offenders’ stories and another addressing the potential risks of idolization. This would allow for a more detailed exploration of each point and improve readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Furthermore," and "In conclusion," which help to structure the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, the essay relies heavily on simple conjunctions like "and" and "but," which can make the writing feel repetitive and less sophisticated.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "and," consider using alternatives like "in addition," "moreover," or "as well as." Additionally, using phrases like "on the other hand" or "in contrast" can help articulate opposing viewpoints more effectively. This would enhance the overall coherence of the essay and demonstrate a more advanced command of language.

In summary, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay could reach a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with terms such as "illicit activities," "firsthand knowledge," "rehabilitation," and "felonious practices." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, phrases like "talk to teenagers" could be replaced with "engage with adolescents" to enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more advanced terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "criminal activity," consider using "criminal behavior," "offending," or "delinquency" in different contexts. Additionally, exploring idiomatic expressions or collocations related to crime and rehabilitation could further enrich the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the vivid and perhaps shocking nature of these stories can make them become more authentic" is somewhat awkward. The word "authentic" might not convey the intended meaning clearly in this context. Furthermore, "take center stage" is a bit clichéd and could be replaced with a more precise expression.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully consider the context in which words are used. For instance, instead of "authentic," a more fitting word could be "impactful" or "compelling." Additionally, avoiding clichés and opting for original phrasing will help convey ideas more clearly. Regularly reading high-quality essays or articles can provide insights into precise vocabulary use.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "teengers" instead of "teenagers" and "lawbreakers" instead of "law-breakers." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using digital tools like spell checkers. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Engaging in regular writing practice and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also help identify and rectify spelling issues.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the range and precision of vocabulary, along with improving spelling accuracy, will contribute to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "who have been in prison become good citizens later" and "which take center stage in the process of personality development" show an ability to use relative clauses and noun phrases effectively. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the use of "may" and "might" is somewhat repetitive, and the essay could benefit from integrating more conditional structures or passive voice to enhance complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that utilize different conjunctions and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly using "may" or "might," you could use structures like "If teenagers hear these stories, they are more likely to understand the consequences." Additionally, varying the placement of clauses (e.g., starting with an adverbial clause) can add interest and complexity to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, with most sentences being grammatically correct. However, there are notable errors that detract from the overall clarity. For example, the phrase "firsthand the knowledge" should be "firsthand knowledge," and "which take center stage" should be "which takes center stage" to agree with the singular subject. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the missing comma before "and" in lists (e.g., "how severe the life in confinement is, and the feeling of lifelong guilt afterwards").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread for subject-verb agreement and correct word forms. Pay attention to common collocations and idiomatic expressions to avoid awkward phrasing. For punctuation, ensure that lists are punctuated correctly and consider using commas to separate clauses for better readability. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that former prisoners can reform and become more productive members of society. Therefore, I firmly believe that these individuals are the most effective in discouraging young people from engaging in illicit activities.

First, teenagers are more likely to heed advice from someone who has firsthand knowledge of the consequences of criminal behavior. Such individuals can share their experiences about how they became involved in crime, the severity of life in confinement, and the feelings of lifelong guilt that follow. The vivid and perhaps shocking nature of these stories can make them more authentic and relatable to the youth, who play a central role in the process of personality development and character shaping. Granted, one might argue that authoritative figures or public influencers are better alternatives for educating teenagers about crime due to their high visibility and credibility. However, reformed offenders can provide much more unique insights and perspectives that those without such experiences might not be able to offer, which serves as a more credible source of information for juveniles to grasp.

Furthermore, engaging with former offenders may evoke strong positive emotional reactions from teenagers. This is because their genuine stories of transformation and rehabilitation resonate with young people, who may feel disconnected and unloved in their immediate relationships. As a result, children who are on the verge of abandoning or nearly engaging in illegal activities may find hope and realize that change is possible. Admittedly, it is often controversial that adolescents, who are still very impressionable, might idolize ex-lawbreakers and attempt to imitate their criminal behavior. Nevertheless, after hearing about the suffering they and their loved ones endured while serving a prison term—such as cases where perpetrators are not allowed to visit their dying family members—I doubt that anyone would choose to embark on a criminal path.

In conclusion, those who have fully redeemed themselves as law-abiding citizens are the best people to provide insightful and valuable counsel to deter the younger generation from participating in felonious practices.