The bar charts illustrate the average house expenses in England and its capital city – London, and to present the comparison regarding the average house prices between distinct areas of England within the year 2013. (16th Jan 2021)

The visual illustration presents the average dwelling expense in England and its capital, London, along with the differences in the house price range among 6 different regions of England in 2013.
Overall, the mean price in both London and the country witnessed a rise over time and it is evident that the average cost of housing in London was the highest compared to the national average and other regions served in 2013.
Looking at the bar chart, in 1995, the mean price of the residence in the country was 130000 pounds, considerably lower than the average in London, where people needed to spend exactly 200000 pounds. Over 18 years, 2013, the average cost of the dwelling in London had more than doubled to the 400000 pounds and twice as the mean price in England, which rose to 200000 pounds.
Turning to the second chart, the top of the list was London with 400000 pounds for a house, making it considerably more expensive than the South East, which stayed at the second place at over 300000. South East and North East followed after with around 300000 and 200000 respectively. At the bottom of the ranking was Midlands and North East, where houses stayed roughly 100000 or slightly more.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The visual illustration presents" -> "The graph illustrates"
Explanation: "The graph illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "The visual illustration presents," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in academic writing.
"average dwelling expense" -> "average housing costs"
Explanation: "Average housing costs" is a more specific and commonly used term in economic and statistical contexts, enhancing clarity and precision in this academic context.
"house price range" -> "housing price range"
Explanation: "Housing" is more specific and appropriate for discussing the costs of residential properties, aligning better with the context of the graph.
"witnessed a rise" -> "increased"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more direct and formal term, fitting better in an academic analysis of data trends.
"it is evident that" -> "it is clear that"
Explanation: "It is clear that" is a more assertive and academically suitable phrase, enhancing the formal tone of the statement.
"people needed to spend" -> "residents had to pay"
Explanation: "Residents had to pay" is more specific and formal, avoiding the colloquial "people needed to spend."
"Over 18 years, 2013" -> "over an 18-year period ending in 2013"
Explanation: "Over an 18-year period ending in 2013" provides a clearer and more precise temporal reference, enhancing the academic tone.
"the average cost of the dwelling" -> "the average housing cost"
Explanation: As mentioned earlier, "housing cost" is more specific and appropriate for this context.
"the top of the list was London" -> "the highest point on the list was London"
Explanation: "The highest point on the list" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"making it considerably more expensive" -> "resulting in a significantly higher cost"
Explanation: "Resulting in a significantly higher cost" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "making it considerably more expensive."
"stayed at the second place" -> "ranked second"
Explanation: "Ranked second" is a more formal and precise way to describe the position of an item in a list.
"houses stayed roughly" -> "houses cost roughly"
Explanation: "Houses cost roughly" corrects the awkward phrasing and clarifies the meaning, aligning with the context of discussing prices.
"slightly more" -> "slightly higher"
Explanation: "Slightly higher" is a more precise and formal way to describe the difference in prices, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the main trends in house prices in England and London. It also presents and highlights key features of the data, such as the fact that house prices in London are significantly higher than in other regions of England. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and bullet points, and some of the details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the average house price in London in 2013 was "more than doubled" from 1995, but the actual increase was less than double.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data and by avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate information. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the differences in house prices between London and other regions of England. It could also provide more specific examples of the key features of the data, such as the fact that the average house price in London was more than twice the average house price in England in 2013.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the comparative analysis of house prices. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, particularly in the transitions between ideas and paragraphs. The referencing could be clearer, and the paragraphing is somewhat logical but could be improved for better clarity. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 6 due to its coherent structure and effective use of cohesive devices, despite some issues with clarity and progression.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer could focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that transitions between paragraphs are smoother would improve the overall clarity. More precise referencing and a logical arrangement of information would also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "mean price of the residence" instead of "average house price" and "the top of the list was London" which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the mean price in both London and the country witnessed a rise over time," which could be clearer. These issues do not severely impede communication but do affect the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary more accurately, particularly with respect to collocations and common phrases related to housing and economics. Additionally, reducing errors in spelling and word formation will contribute to a clearer expression of ideas. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring that less common lexical items are used correctly will also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, such as the phrase "the average cost of housing in London was the highest compared to the national average and other regions served in 2013," which could be clearer. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication. The writer shows an ability to convey the main ideas and comparisons effectively, but the presence of errors indicates that there is room for improvement in grammatical accuracy and range.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety and complexity of sentence structures while ensuring greater accuracy in grammar and punctuation. This could involve practicing more complex sentence forms, reducing the frequency of errors, and refining the clarity of comparisons made in the essay. Additionally, proofreading for minor slips and enhancing the overall coherence of the text would also contribute to a better score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The visual illustration presents the average dwelling expenses in England and its capital, London, along with the differences in house price ranges among six distinct regions of England in 2013. Overall, the mean price in both London and the country experienced a rise over time, and it is evident that the average cost of housing in London was the highest compared to the national average and other regions surveyed in 2013.

Looking at the bar chart, in 1995, the mean price of residences in the country was £130,000, considerably lower than the average in London, where individuals needed to spend exactly £200,000. Over the 18-year period leading to 2013, the average cost of dwellings in London more than doubled to £400,000, which was twice the mean price in England, which rose to £200,000.

Turning to the second chart, London topped the list with £400,000 for a house, making it considerably more expensive than the South East, which ranked second at just over £300,000. The South East and North East followed with prices around £300,000 and £200,000, respectively. At the bottom of the ranking were the Midlands and North East, where house prices remained roughly £100,000 or slightly more.