The chart below shows the average cost of monthly contract for four different mobile (cell phones) in a European country from January to September 2002, measured in Euro.

The bar chart illustrates the average expenses per month of four separate mobile phone contracts in one European nation during the first three quarters of 2002.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the average expenditure of cell phone agreement among all the categories with the exception of Sim TX. Moreover, Domo and Alpha were the most expensive mobile contracts in the aforementioned period.

More specifically, during January, among all mobile service plan, the average monthly charge for Domo’s contracts are the highest at 15 euro, followed by Lex and Sim TX, both at approximately 10 euro per month, while Alpha was the most affordable one (5 euro). In addition, despite witnessing an fluctuating increase and reached it highest point at 25 euro in July, the monthly expenses of Domo cellular contract was shrunk gradually since August and ended the survey at just under 25 euro. Similarly, although the charge for Sim TX rose moderately and peaked at nearly 15 euro in June, its expenditure decreased continuously thereafter. By contract, the identical figures of Alpha had a remarkable growth, rocketing by five times from 5 euro in June to 25 euro per month in September. A similar pattern was exhibited in the statistics of Lex in which the price of mobile contract witnessed a fluctuating growth to less than 20 euro in September.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"mobile phone contracts" -> "mobile phone services"
Explanation: "Mobile phone services" is a more precise term in an academic context, focusing on the services provided rather than the contracts themselves, which is more relevant to the data discussed in the chart.
"average expenses per month" -> "average monthly expenditure"
Explanation: "Average monthly expenditure" is a more formal and precise term, commonly used in academic and financial contexts to describe recurring costs.
"cell phone agreement" -> "mobile phone service plans"
Explanation: "Mobile phone service plans" is a more accurate and formal term, aligning better with the context of the chart, which discusses specific plans offered by different providers.
"the aforementioned period" -> "the aforementioned period"
Explanation: Although not incorrect, "the aforementioned period" can be simplified to "the period" without losing precision, as it is clear from the context that "aforementioned" refers to the previous discussion of the chart.
"the average monthly charge for Domo’s contracts are the highest" -> "the average monthly charge for Domo’s contracts was the highest"
Explanation: Adding "was" corrects the verb tense to match the past context of the data, improving grammatical accuracy.
"the most affordable one" -> "the least expensive"
Explanation: "The least expensive" is a more precise and formal way to describe the cost relative to other options, fitting better in an academic context.
"an fluctuating increase" -> "fluctuating increases"
Explanation: "Increases" should be plural to match the plural subject "expenditure," ensuring grammatical correctness.
"reached it highest point" -> "reached its highest point"
Explanation: Adding "its" corrects the possessive form to match the singular noun "point," enhancing grammatical accuracy.
"shrunk gradually" -> "gradually decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal and precise term than "shrunk," which can be seen as colloquial in this context.
"By contract" -> "In contrast"
Explanation: "In contrast" is a more appropriate transitional phrase for highlighting differences between data points, whereas "By contract" is incorrect and confusing in this context.
"rocketing by five times" -> "increased by a factor of five"
Explanation: "Increased by a factor of five" is a more formal and precise way to describe a significant increase, avoiding the colloquialism of "rocketing."
"witnessed a fluctuating growth" -> "experienced fluctuating growth"
Explanation: "Experienced fluctuating growth" is more concise and maintains the formal tone, eliminating the unnecessary "a" before "fluctuating."
"the price of mobile contract" -> "the cost of mobile phone services"
Explanation: "The cost of mobile phone services" is more specific and formal, aligning with the context of discussing recurring expenses for services provided.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully cover all the key features. For example, the essay mentions that Domo had the highest average monthly charge in January, but it does not mention that Lex and Sim TX had similar charges. The essay also mentions that Alpha had a remarkable growth, but it does not provide any specific details about this growth.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could mention the exact figures for the average monthly charges of each mobile contract in January. The essay could also provide more specific details about the growth of Alpha’s average monthly charge.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion but shows areas for improvement. The information is generally arranged logically, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the specific details about each mobile contract. Paragraphs are used, but not always logically; there are instances where the flow could be improved. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas within paragraphs, but there are some instances where cohesion between sentences could be clearer or more natural. Overall, there is a reasonable attempt to organize ideas, but there are also areas where the progression could be clearer and more seamless.

How to improve:

Logical Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a clear central topic related to the information presented.
Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs.
Clear Progression: Ensure a smoother and more natural progression of ideas throughout the essay, avoiding abrupt shifts or repetitions.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary for the task, albeit with some limitations. It uses vocabulary appropriate to describe the data presented in a bar chart, such as "average expenses," "upward trend," "monthly charge," and "fluctuating increase." However, there are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation throughout the essay. For instance, "witnessed an fluctuating increase" should be "witnessed a fluctuating increase," and "shrunk" should be "shrinking." These errors occasionally impede clarity and may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score, focus on enhancing vocabulary variety and accuracy. Use a wider range of vocabulary to describe trends and data, ensuring precise word choice and correct word forms. Proofread carefully to eliminate errors in spelling and word formation, as these can detract from the overall clarity and coherence of your writing. Strive for more natural phrasing and avoid awkward or incorrect expressions to convey your ideas more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, contributing to its clarity and coherence. It effectively communicates the information about the bar chart, covering trends and specific details. However, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, which occasionally affect the reader’s understanding. The use of tenses and sentence structure is generally appropriate, though improvements in accuracy would enhance clarity.

How to improve:
To improve the score, focus on refining grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Pay attention to verb tense consistency and sentence structure complexity. Proofreading for errors and ensuring clarity in complex sentences would help in achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart depicts the average monthly costs of four distinct mobile phone contracts in a European country from January to September 2002, measured in Euro.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the average expenditure across all categories, except for Sim TX. Domo and Alpha stood out as the most expensive contracts during this period.

To specify, in January, Domo contracts were the costliest at 15 euros per month, followed by Lex and Sim TX at around 10 euros each, while Alpha was the most economical at 5 euros. Domo’s monthly expenses peaked at 25 euros in July, but gradually decreased after August, finishing just below 25 euros by the end of the period. Similarly, Sim TX saw a moderate rise, reaching almost 15 euros in June, followed by a continuous decline. In contrast, Alpha saw a significant increase, jumping from 5 euros in June to 25 euros per month by September. Lex exhibited a similar fluctuating growth pattern, reaching just under 20 euros by September.