The chart below shows the number of people working in 4 sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The chart below shows the number of people working in 4 sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The chart illustrates the percentage of citizens working athletic fields in an Australian town in 2015. It is clear that the number of coachers is higher than other sports sectors in this country. In addition, referees is less significant than managers and other sectors.
In four athlectic fields coachers is the most significant in Australia. The number of volunteers working in coachers is 75% and in other athlectic fields about 30-50 %. The number of volunteers working in others sectors is less significant than coachers, at 55% and nearly 75%, respectively. On other hand, the percentage of paid working in other sectors is the same as coachers, at 55 %.
Not many people like working in referees in Australia. Similarly, the number of volunteers working in referees is the lowest. The percentage of volunteer working in managers is more significant than referees, at 45% and 30%, respectively. In other hand the number of paid working in managers and referees is similar, at 35% and this is the lowest percent of sports sectors.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "coachers" -> "coaches"
   Explanation: "Coaches" is the correct term for individuals who train athletes or teams. "Coachers" is not a standard English word.
2. "athlectic" -> "athletic"
   Explanation: "Athletic" is the correct spelling of the adjective related to sports or physical activities.
3. "sectors" -> "fields" or "domains"
   Explanation: "Fields" or "domains" are more appropriate terms to refer to different areas within the realm of sports or athletics.
4. "others sectors" -> "other sectors" or "other fields"
   Explanation: "Other sectors" is grammatically incorrect. It should be "other sectors" or "other fields" to maintain clarity and coherence.
5. "volunteer" -> "volunteers"
   Explanation: "Volunteer" should be used in its plural form to agree with the plural noun "volunteers" throughout the essay.
6. "this is the lowest percent" -> "this constitutes the lowest percentage"
   Explanation: "Percent" should be "percentage," and the sentence structure could be improved for clarity and formality by using "constitutes" instead of "is."
7. "Not many people like working in referees" -> "There is less preference for working as referees"
   Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and sounds informal. The suggested alternative is clearer and more formal in tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to address the main features of the chart, but it does not cover all key points clearly. The information is presented in a somewhat disjointed and repetitive manner, making it difficult to follow. Key features are mentioned but often lack clarity or appropriate details. The format is also inappropriate in places, with sentences that are unclear or irrelevant to the main points.

How to improve:

1. Organization: Ensure the essay has a clear structure with an introduction, overview, and body paragraphs that present the main features in a logical sequence.
2. Clarity and Detail: Provide clear and specific details for each sports sector mentioned. Avoid repetition and ensure that each point contributes directly to the main features and comparisons.
3. Language Use: Use accurate grammar and sentence structure to improve clarity. Avoid sentence fragments and run-on sentences to make the essay easier to understand.

This feedback should help in focusing on the key areas that need improvement to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to convey information about the number of people working in different sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015. However, the coherence and cohesion are weakened by several factors. The organization of ideas lacks clarity and progression. Sentences are often disjointed, and there is no clear flow of information from one paragraph to the next. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is basic and sometimes inaccurate, leading to a lack of logical relationships between ideas. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks logical structure and coherence.

How to improve:

1. Organization: Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas. Start with an introduction summarizing the main features and proceed to discuss each sports sector in separate paragraphs.
2. Cohesive Devices: Use a variety of cohesive devices (such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases) effectively to establish logical relationships between sentences and paragraphs.
3. Paragraphing: Structure paragraphs logically, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect or sports sector. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to enhance coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some errors in word choice and word formation. While attempting to convey information about the chart, the essay lacks precision and clarity due to repetitive vocabulary and errors in expression. For instance, "athletic fields" is repeatedly used instead of specifying different sports sectors, which leads to a lack of clarity. Additionally, there are several instances of inaccurate word choices and awkward phrasing, such as "coachers" instead of "coaches" and "referees is less significant" which could be better expressed as "referees are less prominent". There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, like "coachers" instead of "coaches" and "athlectic" instead of "athletic".

How to improve:

1. Vocabulary Range: Expand the vocabulary range to include more varied and precise terms related to sports sectors and workforce.
2. Accuracy in Word Choice and Phrasing: Ensure accurate word choice and appropriate phrasing to convey ideas clearly and effectively.
3. Spelling and Word Formation: Pay attention to spelling and word formation to avoid errors that may affect the readability and understanding of the essay.
4. Clarity and Cohesion: Aim for clarity and cohesion in presenting information from the chart, avoiding repetition and ensuring a logical flow of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to present an overview of the data provided in the chart regarding the number of people working in various sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015. However, it struggles with grammatical accuracy and structural complexity. There are frequent errors in sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation, which impede communication. Additionally, some information is unclear due to language issues, making it difficult for the reader to follow the points being made.

How to improve:
To improve the score, focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. Use a wider range of sentence structures to convey ideas more effectively. Pay attention to punctuation rules and ensure coherence and clarity in expressing thoughts. Practice writing with attention to detail and consider seeking feedback to address specific areas of weakness.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart delineates the distribution of individuals employed across various athletic sectors in an Australian town during the year 2015. It is evident that coaching roles dominate in comparison to other sports sectors within the nation. Additionally, the proportion of referees pales in significance when contrasted with managers and other fields.

In all four athletic domains, coaching emerges as the most prominent sector in Australia. Notably, the percentage of volunteers engaged in coaching stands at 75%, whereas in other athletic domains, it ranges from 30% to 50%. Conversely, the involvement of volunteers in other sectors is less pronounced, with figures hovering around 55% and nearly 75%, respectively. Moreover, the proportion of paid personnel in other sectors mirrors that of coaches, standing at 55%.

Refereeing roles attract minimal interest among Australians. Likewise, volunteer participation in refereeing roles is notably low. Comparatively, the percentage of volunteers engaged in managerial positions surpasses that of referees, with figures of 45% and 30%, respectively. Conversely, the proportion of paid workers in managerial and refereeing roles remains similar, each accounting for 35% of the sports sector workforce, which represents the lowest percentage among the sectors.