The diagram below shows City Park before and after a swimming pool was constructed. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram gives information about the transformation of the city park. Looking from an overall perspective it is readily apparent that the part has been developed with a new swimming pool and others facilities.
That used to be a parking lot on the right corner before, but they've removed it to construct a pool. The basketball court 2 has been replaced by the new parking lot next to the basketball court 1. Furthermore, they use a area of the garden to make space to build the swimming pool. And the fountain have also been removed. The ones full of relaxation place has been upgraded with amenity of the swimming pool providing spots to allocate time with more healthier.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Looking from an overall perspective" -> "Viewed from a comprehensive perspective"
Explanation: "Viewed from a comprehensive perspective" is a more formal and precise term that enhances the academic tone of the sentence.
"the part has been developed" -> "the area has been developed"
Explanation: "The area" is a more specific and appropriate term than "the part" in this context, referring to the larger space being discussed.
"others facilities" -> "additional facilities"
Explanation: "Additional facilities" is a more precise and formal way to describe new features added to the park.
"That used to be a parking lot" -> "The former parking lot"
Explanation: "The former parking lot" is more formal and succinct, avoiding the conversational tone of "That used to be."
"they’ve removed it" -> "it has been removed"
Explanation: Using "it has been removed" instead of "they’ve removed it" avoids the contraction and maintains a more formal tone.
"construct a pool" -> "construct a swimming pool"
Explanation: Adding "swimming" clarifies the type of pool being constructed, enhancing specificity and formality.
"The basketball court 2 has been replaced by the new parking lot next to the basketball court 1." -> "Basketball Court 2 has been replaced by a new parking lot adjacent to Basketball Court 1."
Explanation: This revision clarifies the relationship between the courts and the parking lot and uses more formal language.
"they use a area of the garden" -> "an area of the garden has been utilized"
Explanation: "An area of the garden has been utilized" corrects the grammatical error and uses a more formal verb.
"to make space to build the swimming pool" -> "to create space for the construction of the swimming pool"
Explanation: "To create space for the construction of the swimming pool" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "make space to build."
"And the fountain have also been removed." -> "And the fountain has also been removed."
Explanation: Correcting "have" to "has" aligns with the singular subject "fountain," ensuring grammatical accuracy.
"The ones full of relaxation place has been upgraded" -> "The areas previously designated for relaxation have been upgraded"
Explanation: "The areas previously designated for relaxation have been upgraded" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning.
"providing spots to allocate time with more healthier" -> "providing spaces for healthier activities"
Explanation: "Spaces for healthier activities" is more precise and formal, replacing the awkward and incorrect phrase "spots to allocate time with more healthier."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by providing a basic overview of the changes to the park. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends or differences. The essay also does not adequately cover all key features/bullet points. For example, the essay mentions that the fountain has been removed, but it does not mention that the garden has been reduced in size.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends and differences. The essay could also be improved by covering all key features/bullet points in more detail. For example, the essay could mention that the parking lot has been moved to a new location and that the basketball court has been reduced in size. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "they’ve removed it," the essay could say "the parking lot has been removed."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some attempts at organizing information but lacks coherence and clear progression. It introduces some aspects of the park transformation but fails to provide a cohesive and logically structured overview. The use of cohesive devices is rudimentary and often inaccurate, leading to a disjointed presentation of ideas. Paragraphing is inconsistent and does not contribute to clarity.

How to improve:

Organizational Structure: Start with an introduction that outlines the main changes and features of the park. Follow this with distinct paragraphs focusing on different aspects such as the removal of facilities, the addition of new ones, and the overall impact on the park.
Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices more effectively to connect ideas and create a smoother flow. This includes using pronouns, conjunctions, and transitions more appropriately.
Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph addresses a single main idea or aspect of the transformation, and organize them logically to guide the reader through the essay.

By improving these aspects, the essay can achieve better coherence and cohesion, leading to a clearer and more structured presentation of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, primarily using basic and repetitive words such as "park," "pool," "basketball court," "garden," and "fountain." There are several errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation throughout the essay, such as "part" instead of "park," "use a area" instead of "used an area," and "allocate time with more healthier" instead of "allocate time more healthily." These errors cause strain for the reader and detract from the clarity of the message. The vocabulary used is minimal and lacks variety, which does not meet the requirements for higher band scores.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score:

Increase Vocabulary Range: Introduce a wider variety of words and phrases related to park development, such as "renovation," "facilities," "recreational area," etc.
Use Precise Language: Ensure accuracy in word choice and avoid basic or repetitive terms.
Correct Spelling and Word Formation: Pay attention to spelling and the formation of words to enhance readability and comprehension.

By addressing these points, the essay can improve its Lexical Resource score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures, mostly simple with occasional attempts at complex sentences. There are several grammatical errors and punctuation issues throughout the essay. These errors and issues sometimes hinder clarity and coherence, such as in phrases like "Looking from an overall perspective it is readily apparent that the part has been developed…" and "The ones full of relaxation place has been upgraded with amenity of the swimming pool providing spots to allocate time with more healthier."

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy:

Sentence Structure: Use a wider variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences with subordinate clauses.
Grammar and Punctuation: Pay closer attention to grammar rules and punctuation marks (commas, periods, etc.). Practice constructing sentences to ensure clarity and accuracy.
Vocabulary and Expression: Aim for more precise vocabulary and expressions to convey ideas clearly and effectively.

By focusing on these aspects, the essay can achieve higher clarity and coherence, thereby improving the grammatical range and accuracy required for higher band scores in IELTS Task 2 essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram illustrates the transformation of City Park, depicting changes before and after the installation of a swimming pool. Initially, the park featured a parking lot in the top right corner, which was subsequently replaced to accommodate the new pool. Additionally, basketball court 2 was relocated to make way for a new parking area adjacent to basketball court 1. Furthermore, a section of the garden was repurposed to facilitate the construction of the swimming pool. Notably, the fountain was removed during these developments. Overall, the park’s recreational offerings were enhanced with the addition of the swimming pool, providing improved facilities for visitors seeking a healthier leisure experience.