The diagram below shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because of air getting into and out of the house.

The diagram illustrates the process of losing heat and wasting energy in a building due to the moving of the breath inside and outside the building.
It can be clearly seen in the picture that in the downstairs, the air moves into the house through dryer vent and crawl space. Moreover, the outdoor faucet is put next to the basement and outside the house to be a place for air getting out of the building. In the first floor, there are many more things which leak the air into the house .In the toilet, there is only an electrical outlet for air getting into the house while the reverse pattern could be seen in the middle room and kitchen which have more things for the same effect such as : windows, kitchen fan vent, door,… As a matter of fact, the entering of the air into the house leads to the losing of heat. In the top floor, there are a large number of things with the same effect of leaking out the air of the house includes Bath room Fan Vent, Attic hatch, recessed lights. This effect causes the wasting of energy.
In conclusion, the moving of the air leads to both energy wasted and the losing of heat. There are many things which makes the moving of the breath in the house.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"moving of the breath" -> "movement of air"
Explanation: "Movement of air" is a more accurate and formal term to describe the transfer of air inside and outside the building. "Breath" is typically associated with respiration and is not the most appropriate word choice in this context.
"It can be clearly seen" -> "It is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more sophisticated phrase that conveys the same meaning in a more concise and formal manner.
"in the downstairs" -> "on the ground floor"
Explanation: "On the ground floor" is a more precise and formal way to refer to the lower level of the building.
"many more things which leak" -> "various elements that contribute to leakage"
Explanation: "Various elements that contribute to leakage" is a more descriptive and precise phrase that avoids repetition and enhances clarity.
"reverse pattern could be seen" -> "contrary pattern is observable"
Explanation: "Contrary pattern is observable" is a more formal and precise expression that indicates the opposite trend.
"such as : windows, kitchen fan vent, door" -> "including windows, kitchen fan vent, and doors"
Explanation: "Including windows, kitchen fan vent, and doors" maintains parallelism and clarity in the list of examples.
"As a matter of fact" -> "Indeed"
Explanation: "Indeed" is a more concise and sophisticated transition that signals a logical conclusion or inference.
"there are a large number of things with the same effect of leaking out the air of the house includes" -> "numerous elements contribute to air leakage, including"
Explanation: Replacing the phrase with "numerous elements contribute to air leakage, including" provides a more concise and formal expression.
"This effect causes the wasting of energy." -> "This phenomenon results in energy wastage."
Explanation: "This phenomenon results in energy wastage" is a clearer and more formal way to convey the impact of air leakage on energy consumption.
"the moving of the air" -> "air movement"
Explanation: "Air movement" is a more precise and formal term to describe the circulation of air within the house.
"makes the moving of the breath" -> "causes air movement"
Explanation: "Causes air movement" is a more accurate and formal phrase to describe the process of air circulation within the house.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng:

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. The essay attempts to describe the process of heat loss and energy wastage due to air movement in a building. However, the organization of ideas lacks coherence as there is no clear progression from one point to another. Additionally, there is repetition in the description of how air enters and exits different parts of the house.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay needs a more structured approach. Start with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Then, organize the body paragraphs logically, perhaps by discussing each floor of the house separately. Use cohesive devices such as transition words to connect ideas and ensure a smooth flow of information. Avoid repetition by focusing on providing unique information in each paragraph. Finally, conclude by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, often relying on repetitive terms such as "house," "air," and "moving," which do not vary significantly throughout. While there is an attempt to describe specific components like "dryer vent" and "crawl space," the vocabulary lacks variety and sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word formation and usage, such as "moving of the breath" instead of "movement of air," which affect clarity and precision. These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource, aim to diversify vocabulary by using synonyms and more precise terms related to the topic. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "house" and "air," consider terms like "dwelling," "residence," "ventilation," and "circulation." Ensure correct word formation and usage to enhance clarity and coherence in conveying ideas. Additionally, focus on using correct terminology and expressions that are appropriate for academic writing contexts like IELTS Task 2 essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex forms. However, numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasings hinder clarity and coherence. For instance, phrases like "moving of the breath" and "downstairs, the air moves into the house through dryer vent and crawl space" are unclear and need refinement. Punctuation is also inconsistent, affecting the flow of ideas. The essay lacks precision and coherence in conveying the intended message.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on clarity and precision in expression. Use a wider variety of sentence structures effectively. Pay attention to grammar rules, especially verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. Proofread carefully to identify and correct errors in punctuation and sentence construction. Practice constructing sentences that are clear, concise, and grammatically correct to improve overall coherence and readability. Additionally, expanding vocabulary and refining word choice can enhance the sophistication of the language used.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates the phenomenon of heat loss and energy wastage within a residential structure due to air circulation both entering and exiting the building.

In the depiction, it is evident that on the ground floor, air infiltrates the building via the dryer vent and crawl space. Additionally, the outdoor faucet positioned adjacent to the basement facilitates the outward flow of air from the structure. Moving to the first floor, numerous points of air leakage are apparent. For instance, the toilet features a singular electrical outlet through which air enters, whereas the middle room and kitchen possess multiple sources such as windows, a kitchen fan vent, and doors. This influx of air significantly contributes to heat loss within the building.

Transitioning to the top floor, a myriad of elements perpetuates the expulsion of air from the structure, thereby resulting in energy wastage. These include the bathroom fan vent, attic hatch, and recessed lights. Consequently, the continuous movement of air engenders both heat loss and energy wastage throughout the building.

In summary, the circulation of air within the house induces the undesirable outcomes of energy wastage and heat dissipation. Numerous factors within the building’s design and structure contribute to this phenomenon, emphasizing the importance of mitigating air leakage to enhance energy efficiency.