The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children’s sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.
The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children’s sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.
the first given line chart illustrate information about the money spent by UK father and mother on their’s children sport from2008 to 2014. The second given line chart illustrates the data of children who participated in three sports in UK over the same time period
As can be seen from the line chart the number of children played football was highest and the proportion of children went to swim was the lowest . In general, the number of spend in pounds and children sport increased
the amount of money cost by family significantly rose from 20pounds to 27pounds from 2008 to 2012. After that, the number of money cost by family slightly increased by 4 pounds between 2012 to 2014
the number of children played football at 8.0 was more than the children went to swim at 2.5 in 2008. the data of children played football fluctuated slightly from 7.5 to 9.0 between 2010 and 2014. Moreover, there was significant jump in the number of children went to swim of 1.5 from 2010 to 2014. The number of children played athletics fluctuated from 1 to 5 between 2008 and 2014
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Errors and Improvements:
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"illustrate" -> "illustrates"
Explanation: The subject "line chart" is singular, so the verb "illustrates" should also be singular to maintain subject-verb agreement. -
"on their’s children sport" -> "on their children’s sports"
Explanation: "Their’s" is incorrect; it should be "their" to indicate possession, and "children sport" should be changed to "children’s sports" for clarity and grammatical correctness. -
"As can be seen from the line chart" -> "As depicted in the line chart"
Explanation: "As can be seen" is a common but informal phrase that can be replaced with a more formal alternative like "As depicted" to enhance the academic tone of the sentence. -
"the number of spend in pounds" -> "the amount spent in pounds"
Explanation: "Number of spend" is grammatically incorrect. Instead, "amount spent" is a more suitable phrase to describe the expenditure in pounds. -
"the number of money cost" -> "the expenditure"
Explanation: "Number of money cost" is awkward. "Expenditure" is a more precise term to describe the money spent by families. -
"significantly rose" -> "increased significantly"
Explanation: Rearranging the words to "increased significantly" improves the sentence structure and flow. -
"from 20pounds to 27pounds" -> "from £20 to £27"
Explanation: Including the currency symbol (£) before the amounts enhances clarity and standardizes the representation of monetary values. -
"between 2012 to 2014" -> "from 2012 to 2014"
Explanation: "Between" implies a range, while "from" specifies the starting point, which is more appropriate in this context. -
"the number of children played football at 8.0" -> "the number of children playing football was 8.0"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "the number of children playing football was 8.0" improves clarity and readability. -
"the data of children played football fluctuated slightly" -> "the data for children playing football fluctuated slightly"
Explanation: "The data of children played football" is grammatically incorrect. "The data for children playing football" is a more accurate phrasing. -
"there was significant jump" -> "there was a significant jump"
Explanation: Adding the article "a" before "significant jump" makes the sentence grammatically correct. -
"the number of children went to swim" -> "the number of children who went swimming"
Explanation: "Went to swim" should be changed to "who went swimming" for proper grammar and clarity. -
"fluctuated from 1 to 5" -> "fluctuated between 1 and 5"
Explanation: Using "between" instead of "from" clarifies that the fluctuation occurred within the range of 1 to 5.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task of describing the charts showing expenditure on children’s sports and participation levels over time. It attempts to highlight key points such as the highest participation in football and the lowest in swimming, as well as the overall increase in expenditure and fluctuations in participation numbers. However, the presentation lacks coherence and detail. There are mechanical errors and inconsistencies in language usage, such as "the amount of money cost by family significantly rose" which could be more clearly articulated.
How to improve:
To enhance the clarity and coherence of the response, focus on providing a more structured overview of the trends shown in the charts. Clearly highlight key data points and trends without unnecessary repetition or inaccuracies. Use appropriate language and sentence structure to convey information accurately and concisely. Pay attention to grammar and vocabulary to ensure a more polished presentation.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4
Band Score: 4.0
Explanation:
The essay presents information but lacks coherent organization and progression. There is some indication of an attempt to describe the data, but the presentation is unclear and lacks a logical flow. Basic cohesive devices are used sporadically but often inaccurately or repetitively, contributing to the overall lack of cohesion. Paragraphing is attempted but is confusing and does not contribute to the clarity of the essay.
How to improve:
- Focus on clear organization and progression of ideas. Start with an introduction that outlines what the charts depict, followed by distinct paragraphs addressing each main point or trend in the data.
- Use cohesive devices more effectively and accurately. Ensure that pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases are used correctly to establish logical connections between sentences and ideas.
- Pay attention to paragraph structure. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and develop a single main idea related to the overall topic of the essay. Ensure that paragraphs are logically ordered and contribute to the coherence of the essay as a whole.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary with some errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. While the essay attempts to convey information about the charts provided, it lacks precision and fluency in language use. There are noticeable errors in grammar and vocabulary, which may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource, focus on expanding the vocabulary range and using more varied and appropriate vocabulary related to the topic. Pay attention to word choice, spelling, and word formation to minimize errors and improve clarity. Additionally, work on sentence structure and coherence to convey ideas more effectively.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation:
The essay attempts to convey information about the money spent by British parents on their children’s sports activities between 2008 and 2014, as well as the participation numbers in three sports over the same period. There is an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, the essay lacks consistency in grammatical accuracy, resulting in frequent errors that hinder clarity and comprehension. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the number of spend"), articles ("the children sport"), and verb tenses ("the data of children played football fluctuated"). Additionally, punctuation errors and inaccuracies, such as missing commas and capitalization errors, further contribute to the lack of precision in expression.
How to improve:
- Focus on grammatical accuracy by paying attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage.
- Review punctuation rules, including the proper use of commas and capitalization.
- Aim for clarity and precision in expression by proofreading the essay for errors and revising accordingly.
- Work on expanding the range of sentence structures while ensuring accuracy to enhance the overall quality of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
The provided line charts offer insights into the expenditure of British parents on their children’s sports activities from 2008 to 2014, alongside the participation figures for three sports during the same period.
The initial chart delineates the monetary outlay by UK parents on their children’s sporting pursuits over the specified years. Meanwhile, the subsequent chart presents the participation rates of children in three distinct sports across Britain over the identical timeframe.
Observing the line chart, it is evident that football boasted the highest participation rates among children, whereas swimming recorded the lowest. Generally, there was an upward trend in both the expenditure and participation in children’s sports.
The expenditure by families exhibited a substantial increase from £20 to £27 between 2008 and 2012. Subsequently, there was a modest rise of £4 in expenditure from 2012 to 2014.
In terms of sports participation, the number of children engaged in football stood at 8.0 in 2008, surpassing those participating in swimming, which amounted to 2.5. The figures for football fluctuated slightly from 7.5 to 9.0 between 2010 and 2014. Conversely, there was a notable surge in the number of children participating in swimming, rising by 1.5 from 2010 to 2014. The participation in athletics ranged from 1 to 5 between 2008 and 2014, displaying fluctuations over the specified period.
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