The graph below gives information about international tourist arrivals in different parts of the world.

The diagram demonstrates statistical data about the number of global tourists visiting various regions, including North America, Central and Eastern Europe, South-East Asia, Sub-Saharan Africa and South America in the world from 1990 – 2005. Overall, the arrivals increased in these areas, but North America was the place with the most tourists.
Regarding North America and Central and Eastern Europe, although the starting points of these places were significantly different with around 70 million visitors for North America, which was 40 millions more than that of Central and Estern Europe in 1990, these places attracted the most guests in 2005 at around 90 million and 89 million arrivals respectively.
Similarly, South-East Asia witnessed a considerable growth in the quantity of indivials, visiting this place from 20 million to just under 50 million travelers during the same period.
In terms of the least favorite destinations, Sub-Saharan Africa and South America, they appealed about 8 million comers in 1990, and this number gradually rose to nearly 20 million and 15 million visitors in 2005 respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"demonstrates statistical data about" -> "illustrates statistical data regarding"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise term in this context, and "regarding" is a more formal alternative to "about," enhancing the academic tone.
"the place with the most tourists" -> "the region with the highest number of tourists"
Explanation: "Region" is a more formal term than "place," and "highest number" is more precise than "most," improving clarity and formality.
"the starting points of these places were significantly different" -> "the initial visitor numbers for these regions were significantly different"
Explanation: "Initial visitor numbers" is clearer and more specific than "starting points," which could be vague. "Regions" maintains the formal tone.
"which was 40 millions more than that of Central and Estern Europe" -> "which represented a difference of 40 million compared to Central and Eastern Europe"
Explanation: "Represented a difference of" is more precise and formal than "was," and "compared to" is clearer than "than that of." Note the correction of "Estern" to "Eastern."
"attracted the most guests" -> "attracted the highest number of visitors"
Explanation: "Highest number of visitors" is more formal and precise than "most guests," aligning better with academic language.
"witnessed a considerable growth in the quantity of indivials" -> "experienced significant growth in the number of individuals"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more formal alternative to "witnessed," and "number of individuals" is clearer and corrects the misspelling of "indivials."
"the least favorite destinations" -> "the least popular destinations"
Explanation: "Least popular" is a more appropriate term in an academic context than "least favorite," which is more subjective.
"they appealed about 8 million comers" -> "they attracted approximately 8 million visitors"
Explanation: "Attracted" is a more suitable verb than "appealed," and "approximately" is more precise than "about." "Visitors" is a more formal term than "comers."
"this number gradually rose to nearly 20 million and 15 million visitors" -> "this number gradually increased to nearly 20 million and 15 million visitors"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal and precise term than "rose," enhancing the academic tone.
"during the same period" -> "over the same period"
Explanation: "Over" is a more formal preposition in this context, improving the overall academic style.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses all the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information in the graph. It also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that North America attracted the most guests in 2005 at around 90 million arrivals, but the graph shows that Central and Eastern Europe attracted more visitors in 2005.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information about the data in the graph. The writer should also focus on presenting a clear overview of the main trends in the data, rather than simply listing details. For example, the essay could mention that the number of tourists visiting North America and Central and Eastern Europe increased significantly between 1990 and 2005, while the number of tourists visiting Sub-Saharan Africa and South America increased at a slower rate.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, providing a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, such as repetitive phrases and a lack of variety in linking words. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, particularly in distinguishing between different regions more clearly.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the variety of cohesive devices used to connect ideas and sentences. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs by ensuring each one clearly presents a distinct idea or aspect of the data would strengthen coherence. More sophisticated transitions and clearer referencing would also help to avoid mechanical cohesion and enhance the overall readability of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the place with the most tourists" and "the least favorite destinations." Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "Estern" instead of "Eastern," "indivials" instead of "individuals," and "comers" instead of "visitors"). While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately, particularly by incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling errors and improve word choice would strengthen the essay. Practicing the use of collocations and idiomatic expressions can also help convey meanings more fluently and flexibly.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that hinder overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "the place with the most tourists" and "the least favorite destinations" could be expressed more precisely. Additionally, there are errors in subject-verb agreement and word choice, such as "quantity of indivials" instead of "number of individuals." These errors, while not completely obstructive, do affect communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Grammatical Accuracy: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and word forms.
Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate flexibility in grammar usage.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch minor errors and improve overall clarity and coherence.
Use Precise Vocabulary: Opt for more precise vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively and avoid awkward phrasing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Regarding North America and Central and Eastern Europe, although the starting points for these regions were significantly different—with around 70 million visitors for North America, which was 40 million more than that of Central and Eastern Europe in 1990—both regions attracted the most guests in 2005, with approximately 90 million and 89 million arrivals, respectively.

Similarly, South-East Asia witnessed considerable growth in the number of individuals visiting this region, increasing from 20 million to just under 50 million travelers during the same period.

In terms of the least popular destinations, Sub-Saharan Africa and South America attracted about 8 million visitors in 1990, and this number gradually rose to nearly 20 million and 15 million visitors in 2005, respectively.