The graph below gives information on the number of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The graph below gives information on the number of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The graph illustrates the number of people who participated in various activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia from 2000 to 2020.
Overall, the number of amateur dramatics participants experienced a falling trend, while table tennis and musical performances (but with the exception for the period 2000 and 2005) attracted more and more people over the years. Also, the number of film club and martial arts participants relatively remained stable. Despite the stability, film club always attracted the most quantity of citizens in Melbourne.
Starting with amateur dramatics activity, there was a marginal increase in the number of participants from over 25 in 2000 to around 29 in 2005, but after that the figure started to sharply go down to around 5 in 2020, making this activity the least popular one.
Secondly, the number of people participating in film clubs and martial arts had a slight fluctuation. Those who participated in film clubs reduced by 5 people from 2000 to 2010, but then rose back to the beginning datum at around 65 and later minimally increased to around 66. In spite of sharing a similar trend, the quantity of martial arts members witnessed a greater fluctuation between over 35 to approximately 40 over two decades. Even so, film clubs and martial arts were respectively ranked the first and third positions among the five listed activities.
Thirdly, in 2000 over 15 people played table tennis. The number slightly went up to 20 in 2005 and then remained unchanged in the next 5 years. However, it suddenly rocketed by approximately twice in the next decade, reaching the peak at 55. Finally, no one did musical performances from 2000 to 2005, yet the number of participants in this activity consecutively increased to over 15 in 2020.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"participated in various activities" -> "engaged in various activities"
Explanation: "Engaged in" is a more formal and precise term than "participated in," which is more commonly used in academic writing to describe involvement in activities or pursuits.
"more and more people" -> "an increasing number of people"
Explanation: "An increasing number of people" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial and vague phrase "more and more."
"relatively remained stable" -> "remained relatively stable"
Explanation: This adjustment corrects the grammatical structure to improve the sentence’s clarity and formality.
"the most quantity of citizens" -> "the largest number of citizens"
Explanation: "The largest number of citizens" is a more precise and formal expression than "the most quantity of citizens," which is awkward and incorrect.
"marginal increase" -> "slight increase"
Explanation: "Slight" is a more commonly used adjective in academic contexts to describe small changes, making it a better choice than "marginal," which can be less clear.
"started to sharply go down" -> "rapidly decreased"
Explanation: "Rapidly decreased" is a more formal and precise way to describe a sudden decline, compared to the less formal "started to sharply go down."
"the least popular one" -> "the least popular activity"
Explanation: Adding "activity" clarifies that the subject is referring to the type of activity, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"slight fluctuation" -> "modest fluctuations"
Explanation: "Modest fluctuations" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "slight fluctuations," which is somewhat vague.
"rose back to the beginning datum" -> "returned to the initial level"
Explanation: "Returned to the initial level" is more formal and clear, replacing the awkward and less common "rose back to the beginning datum."
"minimally increased" -> "slightly increased"
Explanation: "Slightly increased" is a more natural and formal way to describe a small increase, compared to "minimally," which is less commonly used in this context.
"no one did musical performances" -> "no one participated in musical performances"
Explanation: Adding "participated in" clarifies the verb and maintains the formal tone of the essay.
"consecutively increased" -> "consistently increased"
Explanation: "Consistently" is more appropriate in this context, suggesting a steady and ongoing increase, whereas "consecutively" implies a series of events without necessarily indicating continuity.

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. For example, the essay states that the number of amateur dramatics participants experienced a falling trend, but it does not provide any specific details about the trend. The essay also does not make comparisons where relevant. For example, the essay states that the number of film club and martial arts participants relatively remained stable, but it does not compare the stability of these two activities.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by making more comparisons where relevant. For example, the essay could compare the stability of the film club and martial arts activities. The essay could also provide more specific details about the trends in the graph. For example, the essay could state that the number of amateur dramatics participants decreased by 24 people from 2005 to 2020.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression. It effectively discusses the trends of different activities, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. For example, the transitions between the different activities could be smoother, and some sentences feel disjointed. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the flow between ideas could be improved for better clarity.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer could:

Use more varied and sophisticated cohesive devices to connect ideas and paragraphs, ensuring smoother transitions.
Clearly define the structure of each paragraph, possibly by starting with a topic sentence that summarizes the main point before delving into details.
Avoid repetition by employing synonyms or rephrasing ideas instead of reiterating them in a similar manner.
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "participants," "fluctuation," and "attracted." However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and inaccuracies in word choice, such as "the least popular one" and "rocketed by approximately twice," which detract from clarity. While the writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, the inaccuracies and occasional errors in word formation (e.g., "the quantity of martial arts members witnessed a greater fluctuation") indicate a need for improvement. Overall, the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task but lacks the precision and flexibility required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition and improve fluency. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors will aid in achieving greater clarity and coherence in the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some successful attempts at complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the number of amateur dramatics participants experienced a falling trend" could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors and some sentences that lack fluidity, which detracts from the overall coherence of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically accurate.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to correct grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors, aiming for more error-free sentences.
Improve Clarity and Cohesion: Use clearer transitions and more precise language to enhance the overall flow and coherence of the essay. This will help in conveying ideas more effectively to the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the number of people who participated in various activities at a social centre in Melbourne, Australia, from 2000 to 2020. Overall, the number of participants in amateur dramatics experienced a declining trend, while table tennis and musical performances (with the exception of the period from 2000 to 2005) attracted an increasing number of people over the years. Additionally, the number of film club and martial arts participants remained relatively stable. Despite this stability, the film club consistently attracted the highest number of participants in Melbourne.

Starting with the amateur dramatics activity, there was a marginal increase in the number of participants from over 25 in 2000 to around 29 in 2005. However, after that, the figure sharply declined to approximately 5 in 2020, making this activity the least popular.

Secondly, the number of people participating in film clubs and martial arts exhibited slight fluctuations. Participation in film clubs decreased by 5 people from 2000 to 2010 but then rose back to the initial figure of around 65 and later increased minimally to about 66. In contrast, the number of martial arts participants experienced greater fluctuations, ranging from over 35 to approximately 40 over the two decades. Nevertheless, film clubs and martial arts were ranked first and third, respectively, among the five listed activities.

Thirdly, in 2000, over 15 people played table tennis. The number slightly increased to 20 in 2005 and then remained unchanged for the next five years. However, it suddenly surged to approximately double in the following decade, reaching a peak of 55. Finally, there were no participants in musical performances from 2000 to 2005; however, the number of participants in this activity steadily increased to over 15 by 2020.