The graph below shows the average number of UK commuters travelling each day by car, bus or train between 1970 and 2030.

The line chart illustrates daily UK’s resident commuting by 3 different transports during 60 years.

It is clear that the number of people traveling by car and train increased, the opposite was true for bus commuters. The figure for cars remained the highest point during the period.

Starting at roughly 5 million people in 1970, the number of commuters moving by car climbed significantly to nearly 7 million people, hitting the highest point in 2000. The figure for train commuters shared the similar trend and increased by 1 million over 30 years. By contrast, there was a gradual decline from 4 million to 3,5 million in bus traveller during the same period.

From 2000 to 2020, a strong increase to nearly 7.5 million people was seen in UK’s commuters by car while that of people moving by bus fell continuously to 3.5 million. At the same time, the percentage of people commuting in the UK by train remained unchanged, but then soared sharply to roughly 5 million people in 2030. Over the next 10 years, UK’s residents using cars is estimated to surge sharply to 9 million, reaching a peak at the end of the period. The opposite was true for the figure for bus users that is projected to drop to under 3 millions in 2030.

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Errors and Improvements:

"UK’s resident commuting" -> "UK residents commuting"
Explanation: Removing the possessive form "UK’s" and restructuring the phrase to "UK residents commuting" improves clarity and conciseness.
"during 60 years" -> "over a span of 60 years"
Explanation: Replacing "during" with "over a span of" adds specificity and precision, indicating the duration more effectively.
"The figure for cars remained the highest point" -> "The number of car commuters reached its peak"
Explanation: "Figure for cars" is vague; specifying "number of car commuters" provides clarity. Additionally, "reached its peak" is a more precise expression than "remained the highest point."
"climbed significantly" -> "rose considerably"
Explanation: "Climbed significantly" is less formal; "rose considerably" maintains clarity while sounding more sophisticated.
"shared the similar trend" -> "followed a similar trend"
Explanation: "Shared the similar trend" is awkward; "followed a similar trend" is a more natural and precise expression.
"a gradual decline from 4 million to 3,5 million" -> "a gradual decline from 4 million to 3.5 million"
Explanation: The use of a comma instead of a decimal point is incorrect in English.
"traveller" -> "travelers"
Explanation: "Traveller" is the British English spelling; "travelers" is the American English spelling. Given the context ("daily UK’s resident commuting"), American English is more appropriate.
"people moving by bus fell continuously to 3.5 million" -> "the number of people commuting by bus continuously decreased to 3.5 million"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "commuting by bus" instead of "moving by bus" enhances precision.
"UK’s commuters by car" -> "UK car commuters"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrasing to "UK car commuters" improves clarity and conciseness.
"soared sharply to roughly 5 million people" -> "rose sharply to approximately 5 million individuals"
Explanation: "Soared sharply" is redundant; "rose sharply" suffices. Additionally, replacing "people" with "individuals" adds variety and formality.
"residents using cars is estimated to surge sharply" -> "residents commuting by car are estimated to experience a sharp surge"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "commuting by car" instead of "using cars" enhances precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in commuting by car, bus, and train in the UK between 1970 and 2030. It clearly presents and highlights key features such as the increase in car and train commuters and the decrease in bus commuters over time. The information is presented in a structured manner with clear indications of the trends observed.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could be more fully extended by providing additional details or analysis related to the trends observed. Including specific data points or percentages for each mode of transport at various time points could enhance the depth of analysis and strengthen the response.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information in a generally coherent manner, providing an overview of the trends in commuting by car, bus, and train in the UK over a 60-year period. There is a clear attempt to organize the data chronologically and compare the trends among different modes of transportation. The essay also attempts to use cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transitions between years and modes of transportation.

However, there are some areas where cohesion could be improved. While the essay attempts to use cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where the cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. For instance, some transitions between ideas are abrupt, and there is room for smoother integration of information. Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors that slightly impede the flow of the essay.

Paragraphing is used, but not always logically. Some paragraphs could be more clearly delineated to improve the overall organization and coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on ensuring a smoother flow of ideas throughout the essay. Pay attention to transitions between sentences and paragraphs to create a more seamless connection between ideas. Additionally, consider revising the paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph focuses on a clear central topic and follows a logical progression of ideas. Finally, carefully proofread the essay to eliminate grammatical errors and improve clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, utilizing terms such as "commuting," "transports," "climbed significantly," "gradual decline," "soared sharply," and "projected," which appropriately describe the trends depicted in the graph. Additionally, there is an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary, such as "commuters" and "traveller," although there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For instance, "travelling by 3 different transports" could be improved to "travelling by three different modes of transportation." While the vocabulary is generally varied, some phrases lack precision or are slightly awkwardly expressed, such as "the opposite was true for the figure for bus users." Furthermore, there are a few minor errors in word formation and spelling, such as "commuters" being spelled as "commutors."

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining word choice and collocation for greater accuracy and fluency. Proofreading for spelling and word formation errors would also help improve clarity and overall presentation. Additionally, strive for smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay utilizes a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, incorporating a variety of sentence forms to convey information effectively. There is an attempt at using complex sentences, particularly evident in phrases like "Starting at roughly 5 million people in 1970, the number of commuters moving by car climbed significantly to nearly 7 million people, hitting the highest point in 2000." However, there are occasional errors in grammar and punctuation that slightly affect the clarity and coherence of the essay. For instance, there are minor issues such as missing articles ("the" before "UK’s resident commuting"), inconsistent verb forms ("the opposite was true for bus commuters" could be improved to "the opposite is true for bus commuters"), and awkward phrasing ("From 2000 to 2020, a strong increase to nearly 7.5 million people was seen in UK’s commuters by car" could be revised for clarity). Despite these errors, they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, strive for greater consistency in verb tense usage throughout the essay. Pay close attention to articles and ensure they are appropriately used before nouns. Additionally, aim for clearer and more concise phrasing to enhance overall coherence and readability. Proofreading for grammatical errors and punctuation consistency can further enhance the clarity of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line chart depicts the average daily commuting habits of UK residents using three different modes of transportation over a span of six decades.

Overall, it is evident that the number of individuals opting for car and train travel experienced an upward trend, while the opposite was observed for bus commuters. Notably, the figure for car travel maintained its supremacy throughout the period.

Commencing at approximately 5 million individuals in 1970, the count of car commuters exhibited a substantial rise, reaching nearly 7 million by the year 2000, marking its pinnacle. Similarly, the number of train commuters followed a comparable trajectory, increasing by 1 million over the course of 30 years. Conversely, there was a gradual decline in bus commuters from 4 million to 3.5 million during the same timeframe.

Between 2000 and 2020, there was a notable surge in the number of UK residents commuting by car, peaking at nearly 7.5 million, while the count of bus commuters witnessed a continuous decline to 3.5 million. During this period, the proportion of individuals opting for train travel remained stable, but subsequently surged to approximately 5 million by 2030. Projections indicate a significant surge in car users to 9 million by the end of the next decade, contrasting with the projected decline in bus users to under 3 million by 2030.