The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six month period in 2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six month period in 2011.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

In January, most questions in person that people ask about the information office, accounting for around 420 people. Between January and March, the number of inquiries made concerning the information office that people made in person increased significantly from 420 to 800 people. After that, the period from March to June witnessed a dramatic boom of 1100 people. Over the six months, the figure rose by around five times than the starting point.
In the first examined year, people are the most popular to ask by telephone about the information office, accounting for about 900 people. However, there is a moderate fluctuation in the proportion of people who use the telephone to examine the Tourist Information Office, roughly 100 persons in three months, from January to March. By contrast, since then, this figure has risen considerably by 600 people between March and June. During the same period, there was a substantial reduce in the number of people who had questions by letter or email.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In January, most questions in person that people ask about the information office" -> "In January, the majority of inquiries made in person regarding the information office"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. Replacing it with "the majority of inquiries made in person regarding the information office" enhances clarity and conciseness.
"Between January and March, the number of inquiries made concerning the information office that people made in person increased significantly from 420 to 800 people." -> "Between January and March, there was a significant increase in the number of in-person inquiries about the information office, rising from 420 to 800."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to remove redundancy and improve flow while maintaining clarity.
"After that, the period from March to June witnessed a dramatic boom of 1100 people." -> "Subsequently, the period from March to June witnessed a dramatic surge, reaching 1100 inquiries."
Explanation: "Boom" is not typically used in this context. Replacing it with "surge" maintains the intensity of the increase while sounding more formal.
"Over the six months, the figure rose by around five times than the starting point." -> "Over the six months, the figure increased approximately fivefold compared to the initial count."
Explanation: Using "fivefold" instead of "five times" is more precise and formal.
"In the first examined year, people are the most popular to ask by telephone about the information office" -> "During the initial year under examination, telephone inquiries were the most prevalent method of contacting the information office."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, and replacing "popular to ask" with "prevalent method of contacting" for more precision.
"However, there is a moderate fluctuation in the proportion of people who use the telephone to examine the Tourist Information Office, roughly 100 persons in three months, from January to March." -> "However, there was a modest fluctuation in the number of individuals using the telephone to inquire about the Tourist Information Office, averaging approximately 100 inquiries per month from January to March."
Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and replacing "proportion of people who use" with "number of individuals using" for precision.
"By contrast, since then, this figure has risen considerably by 600 people between March and June." -> "In contrast, since then, this figure has increased significantly by 600 inquiries between March and June."
Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and using "inquiries" instead of "people" for accuracy.
"During the same period, there was a substantial reduce in the number of people who had questions by letter or email." -> "During the same period, there was a significant decrease in the number of inquiries received via letter or email."
Explanation: Replacing "substantial reduce" with "significant decrease" for clarity and using "inquiries received via" for precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the graph depicting the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office over a six-month period. It provides a clear overview of the main trends, indicating increases and decreases in enquiries made in person, by telephone, and by letter or email. Key features such as the significant increase in inquiries made in person between January and March, followed by a dramatic boom between March and June, are highlighted. Similarly, the moderate fluctuation in telephone inquiries from January to March, followed by a considerable rise between March and June, is presented. The essay also mentions the substantial reduction in enquiries by letter or email during the same period.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay could provide more detailed explanations of the trends observed in the graph. Additionally, ensuring clarity and coherence in sentence structures and vocabulary usage would enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents the main features of the graph, outlining the trends in inquiries received by the Tourist Information Office over a six-month period. It provides some organization by discussing inquiries made in person, by telephone, and through other means (letter or email). However, the essay lacks overall progression and coherence due to inconsistencies in the presentation of information. There are some inaccuracies and repetitive phrases, such as "people who had questions," which could have been better varied for clarity. Additionally, the essay does not effectively use cohesive devices to connect ideas, leading to a lack of smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing the information more clearly. Start by introducing the main trends in the introduction and then proceed to discuss each trend in separate paragraphs. Ensure consistency in referencing and avoid repetitive phrases. Use cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to paragraph structure, ensuring each paragraph contains a clear central topic and logically follows the previous one.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, with attempts to incorporate less common vocabulary. There are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "people are the most popular to ask by telephone" which could be expressed more accurately. Additionally, there are errors in word formation and spelling, such as "reduce" instead of "reduction". However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, focus on using more varied vocabulary with greater precision. Additionally, pay attention to word choice and collocation to ensure accuracy. Reviewing spelling and word formation would also help to enhance the clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex ones. There are some instances of complex sentences, such as "Between January and March, the number of inquiries made concerning the information office that people made in person increased significantly from 420 to 800 people." However, there are also instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that hinder clarity and accuracy. For example, "Over the six months, the figure rose by around five times than the starting point" contains a grammatical error and could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are punctuation errors throughout the essay, such as missing commas and incorrect usage of capitalization.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider range of sentence structures with greater accuracy. This can be achieved through more careful proofreading and attention to grammar rules. Additionally, the writer should aim for clearer and more concise expression of ideas to enhance overall coherence and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided graph illustrates the fluctuation in the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in a particular city throughout the course of six months in 2011.

Commencing in January, there was a notable influx of enquiries made in person, with approximately 420 individuals seeking information directly from the office. Subsequently, from January to March, there was a substantial surge in the number of in-person enquiries, escalating to 800 individuals. Following this, between March and June, there was a remarkable spike, with enquiries soaring to 1100 individuals. Thus, over the entire six-month period, the number of in-person enquiries increased nearly fivefold from its initial count.

Contrastingly, in the initial month, the predominant mode of enquiry was via telephone, with approximately 900 individuals opting for this method. However, there was a moderate fluctuation observed in the subsequent months, with around 100 individuals per month utilizing this medium from January to March. Nevertheless, from March onwards, there was a significant upsurge, with telephone enquiries escalating by 600 individuals until June. Concurrently, during this timeframe, there was a substantial decrease in the number of enquiries made via letter or email.

In summary, the data depicts a considerable increase in both in-person and telephone enquiries over the six-month period, with a notable decline in enquiries via letter or email during the same duration.