The graph shows the number of people taking parts in 4 kinds of sports in a particular region between 1985 and 2005.

The provided graph illustrated the figure for the citizens join in basketball, tennis, badminton and rugby in a specific country over 20 years. Overall, it can be seen that the people playing rugby went down dramatically. In comparison, there was not change for other kinds of sports.
To begin with the data of people playing rugby, it decreased slightly from around 250 to 200 for the first 10-year. After this drop, the figure of the next 10 years was dove rapidly from 200 to 50. Although the number of people playing rugby dropped, the data of citizens playing tennis has an upward trend to increase start from 150 and reached 200 in 1995. After that, it rose minimally to around 210 in 2005.
In comparison, people playing badminton and basketball has remained steady over 20 years. Badminton players were not change in 50 players and the basketball was around 70 players.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"illustrated the figure for the citizens join" -> "depicted the participation of citizens"
Explanation: "Illustrated the figure for the citizens join" is awkward and lacks precision. "Depicted the participation of citizens" is a more refined and clearer way to convey the information.
"playing rugby went down dramatically" -> "participating in rugby significantly declined"
Explanation: "Went down dramatically" is colloquial and lacks precision. "Participating in rugby significantly declined" is a more formal and precise expression.
"there was not change for other kinds of sports" -> "there was no change in participation for other sports"
Explanation: "Not change" is grammatically incorrect. "No change in participation for other sports" is a grammatically correct and clearer expression.
"To begin with the data of people playing rugby" -> "Initially, regarding the participation in rugby"
Explanation: "To begin with the data of people playing rugby" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Initially, regarding the participation in rugby" provides a smoother transition and clearer indication of the focus.
"the first 10-year" -> "the first decade"
Explanation: "The first 10-year" is grammatically incorrect. "The first decade" is a more precise and correct way to refer to a span of ten years.
"the figure of the next 10 years was dove rapidly" -> "the figure plummeted rapidly over the following decade"
Explanation: "The figure of the next 10 years was dove rapidly" is unclear and awkward. "The figure plummeted rapidly over the following decade" is more concise and clear.
"the data of citizens playing tennis has an upward trend" -> "the number of citizens participating in tennis exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "The data of citizens playing tennis has an upward trend" lacks clarity and precision. "The number of citizens participating in tennis exhibited an upward trend" provides a clearer description of the trend.
"to increase start from 150" -> "starting from 150 and increasing"
Explanation: "To increase start from 150" is grammatically incorrect. "Starting from 150 and increasing" provides a clearer expression of the upward trend.
"rose minimally to around 210" -> "rose marginally to approximately 210"
Explanation: "Rose minimally" is vague. "Rose marginally to approximately 210" provides a more precise description of the increase.
"people playing badminton and basketball has remained steady" -> "participation in badminton and basketball has remained stable"
Explanation: "People playing badminton and basketball has remained steady" lacks clarity. "Participation in badminton and basketball has remained stable" is more precise and grammatically correct.
"Badminton players were not change in 50 players" -> "The number of badminton players remained unchanged at 50"
Explanation: "Badminton players were not change in 50 players" is grammatically incorrect. "The number of badminton players remained unchanged at 50" provides a clearer description.
"the basketball was around 70 players" -> "the number of basketball players was approximately 70"
Explanation: "The basketball was around 70 players" is awkward and imprecise. "The number of basketball players was approximately 70" is clearer and more precise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the graph. It appropriately selects information regarding the trends in participation for the four sports over the given period. The key features, such as the decrease in rugby participation and the stability of basketball and badminton participation, are adequately highlighted.
How to improve: To improve, ensure that details are accurate and relevant. Extend the discussion of key features to provide a more fully developed response. Additionally, strive for clearer transitions between points and refine sentence structures for better coherence and clarity. Avoid minor errors in grammar and word choice for a more polished presentation.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay presents information about the trend of participation in four sports over a 20-year period. However, the organization lacks coherence and progression. The essay jumps between sports without clear transitions, making it difficult to follow. Additionally, there are issues with cohesion and paragraphing, as the essay lacks clear structure and logical progression. The use of cohesive devices is basic and repetitive, and the essay does not effectively utilize paragraphing to separate ideas.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay should have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs focusing on each sport individually, and a conclusion summarizing the trends. Use transitional phrases to smoothly guide the reader through different ideas and sports. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single topic (e.g., one paragraph for rugby, one for tennis, etc.), and use cohesive devices more effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences. Finally, organize the information logically, such as chronologically or by sport, to enhance coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, often relying on basic words and phrases. There is repetition of simple vocabulary such as "people," "playing," "data," and "figure." Additionally, some vocabulary choices are inappropriate or inaccurate, such as "dove" instead of "dipped" or "dropped." There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the figure for the citizens join in basketball." Furthermore, there are noticeable errors in word formation and spelling throughout the essay, such as "citizens join" instead of "citizens joining," "was dove" instead of "dived," and "there was not change" instead of "there was no change." These errors and limitations in vocabulary usage may cause strain for the reader.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, focus on expanding vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely and fluently. Use a wider range of vocabulary related to sports, trends, and data presentation. Avoid repetitive phrases and strive for clarity and accuracy in word choice and phrasing. Additionally, pay close attention to word formation and spelling to minimize errors and enhance overall readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, but there are noticeable grammatical errors and punctuation issues throughout the essay. Some structures are accurate, but errors predominate, and punctuation is often faulty. For instance, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("the figure for the citizens join"), verb tense consistency ("there was not change"), and article usage ("for the first 10-year"). Punctuation marks are missing or incorrectly placed ("citizens playing tennis has an upward trend to increase start," "After that, it rose minimally to around 210 in 2005"). These errors hinder the clarity and coherence of the essay.

How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by paying attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and article usage. Practice using punctuation marks correctly to improve clarity and readability. Additionally, strive for clearer sentence structures to enhance coherence and overall effectiveness of communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided graph illustrates the participation rates in basketball, tennis, badminton, and rugby in a specific country over a span of 20 years, from 1985 to 2005. Overall, it can be observed that the number of individuals engaged in rugby experienced a significant decline, whereas participation in other sports remained relatively stable.

Commencing with the data concerning rugby participation, there was a slight decrease from approximately 250 to 200 individuals during the initial decade. Subsequently, in the following decade, the figure plummeted dramatically from 200 to 50. Despite this notable decline, the number of individuals participating in tennis exhibited an upward trajectory, starting at 150 and peaking at 200 in 1995. Following this peak, there was a marginal increase to approximately 210 by 2005.

In contrast, the participation rates in badminton and basketball remained constant throughout the 20-year period. The number of badminton players remained unchanged at 50 individuals, while basketball participation hovered around 70 players.

Overall, the data presents a clear distinction in the trends of rugby participation compared to the stability observed in basketball, tennis, and badminton participation over the two decades.