The line chart illustrates how many people living in Australia used Chinese, Arabic, Italian and Greek as their first language from 1986 to 2011.

the line graph illustrates the data about Australians using 1 out 4 forgein languages as they mother tongue which were Chinese, Arabic,Italian and Greek from 1986 to 2011.

Overall, Chinese and Arabic were having a upward trend whereas the rest witnessed the opposite. Moreover, Chinese was dominated the rest as it got the largest speakers above all.

from 1986 to 1996, Greeklost approximately 50 thousands users whereas Chinese witnessed a sharp rise from above 100,000 to 200,000 which was crossed over with the Greek. After the crossing point, Greek was continued to lose it’s users and at the end of the period, it remained appoximately 275,00 users while at the same time, chinese language sky rocketed to 350,000 speakers.

Italian came across with Arabic while slightly fell down around 25% less in 2001 .In the rest of the period, it stood still at 100 000 users annually.After crossed over Italian, Arabic went straight foward to 150,000 speakers in 2011.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the line graph illustrates the data about Australians using 1 out 4 forgein languages" -> "The line graph presents data on Australians who use one out of four foreign languages"
Explanation: Correcting "forgein" to "foreign" and rephrasing "illustrates the data about" to "presents data on" improves the formal tone and clarity of the sentence.
"which were Chinese, Arabic,Italian and Greek" -> "namely Chinese, Arabic, Italian, and Greek"
Explanation: Adding "namely" clarifies that the list that follows is specific examples, enhancing the formal tone and readability.
"upward trend" -> "increasing trend"
Explanation: "Increasing trend" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "upward trend," which is somewhat colloquial.
"dominated the rest as it got the largest speakers above all" -> "dominated the others, with the largest number of speakers overall"
Explanation: "The others" is more precise than "the rest," and "with the largest number of speakers overall" is more formal and clear than "it got the largest speakers above all."
"Greeklost" -> "Greek lost"
Explanation: Correcting the typo "Greeklost" to "Greek lost" fixes the grammatical error.
"witnessed a sharp rise from above 100,000 to 200,000 which was crossed over with the Greek" -> "experienced a significant increase from over 100,000 to 200,000, surpassing the number of Greek speakers"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal than "witnessed a sharp rise," and "surpassing the number of Greek speakers" is clearer and more precise than "which was crossed over with the Greek."
"it’s" -> "its"
Explanation: Correcting "it’s" to "its" fixes a possessive pronoun error.
"appoximately" -> "approximately"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error "appoximately" to "approximately."
"sky rocketed" -> "skyrocketed"
Explanation: Correcting the verb form "sky rocketed" to "skyrocketed" for grammatical accuracy.
"came across with Arabic" -> "paralleled Arabic"
Explanation: "Paralleled Arabic" is a more precise and formal way to describe the similarity in trends, replacing the awkward and incorrect "came across with."
"slightly fell down" -> "slightly decreased"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal and precise term than "fell down," which is colloquial.
"straight foward" -> "straightforward"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error "straight foward" to "straightforward."

These corrections and improvements enhance the formal tone, precision, and clarity of the academic essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, and the information is not always presented in a logical order. The essay also focuses too much on details, and does not adequately cover the key features of the graph.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay should also be more concise and focus on the key features of the graph. The essay should also be more accurate in its description of the data. For example, the essay states that "Greek lost approximately 50 thousands users" between 1986 and 1996. However, the graph shows that Greek lost approximately 25,000 users during this period. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "sky rocketed" and "went straight foward."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score: 3.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates significant issues with coherence and cohesion, falling into the Band 3 descriptor. Ideas are poorly organized with little logical progression. The essay lacks clear paragraphing, which leads to confusion and disjointed presentation. There is minimal use of cohesive devices, and those that are used do not effectively connect ideas. Sentences often lack clarity and fail to establish a coherent flow of information.

How to improve:

Organize Ideas Logically: Start by structuring the essay with clear introductory, body, and concluding paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea related to the data presented.
Use Cohesive Devices: Incorporate cohesive devices such as linking words (e.g., however, whereas, therefore) and pronouns (it, they) to establish clearer relationships between sentences and ideas.
Improve Paragraph Structure: Ensure that paragraphs are used effectively to separate different aspects of the data over time. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point.
Enhance Sentence Clarity: Rewrite sentences to improve clarity and coherence. Focus on using correct grammar and punctuation to aid understanding.

By addressing these points, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be significantly improved, allowing for a more coherent and structured presentation of the data.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, though there are notable deficiencies in accuracy and appropriateness of word choice. There are frequent errors in spelling, word formation, and sentence structure throughout the essay, which can impede communication. The vocabulary used is repetitive ("Chinese," "Arabic," "Greek," "Italian") and lacks variety, which limits the lexical resource.

How to improve:

Increase Vocabulary Range: Use a wider variety of vocabulary beyond basic terms like "Chinese," "Arabic," etc. This could include synonyms, related terms, or specific descriptors.
Improve Accuracy: Pay attention to spelling and word formation to avoid errors that disrupt the reader’s understanding.
Sentence Structure: Work on forming clearer and more complex sentences to enhance the sophistication of the writing.

Improving in these areas will help raise the lexical resource score to meet higher band descriptors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to communicate information but suffers from numerous grammatical errors and inaccuracies that significantly impact clarity and coherence. There is a limited range of sentence structures, and errors are pervasive throughout the text.

How to improve: To improve, focus on:

Grammar and Sentence Structure: Use a wider variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences with correct subordinate clauses.
Accuracy: Pay attention to verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and article usage to ensure clearer communication.
Clarity: Clearly separate ideas into coherent paragraphs and ensure that each sentence contributes logically to the overall message.

By addressing these areas, you can enhance both grammatical accuracy and range of structures in your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph depicts the number of Australians whose first language was either Chinese, Arabic, Italian, or Greek between 1986 and 2011.

Overall, Chinese and Arabic showed an upward trend, while Italian and Greek experienced a decline. Chinese consistently had the highest number of speakers throughout the period.

From 1986 to 1996, Greek saw a decrease of approximately 50,000 speakers, while Chinese experienced a significant increase from just above 100,000 to around 200,000, surpassing Greek. After this crossover, Greek continued to decline, ending the period with around 275,000 speakers, whereas Chinese skyrocketed to 350,000 by 2011.

Italian intersected with Arabic in 2001, experiencing a slight decrease of about 25% to approximately 100,000 users annually thereafter. Arabic, after surpassing Italian, continued to rise steadily to 150,000 speakers by 2011.