The line graph below show the percentage of people in Africa subscribing to mobile and fixed-line phones

The graph describes changes in the proportion of Africa individuals who subscribed to fixed -line and mobile phones between 1995 to 2004

It can be seen that both categories underwent a considerable upward trend over the 20 years period. In addition, mobile was the most popular means of telephone at the end of the mentioned period.

From 1994 to 2000, there was a constant rise in the percentage of fixed-line subscribers from just under 1.7 % to 2.5%. By contrast, the ratio of people who subscribed mobile stayed steadily at 0.06% in the first three years before witnessing a gradual growth to 2% in 2000.

In 2001, the proportion of individuals subscribing to fix-lined and mobile was equal, at 3%. However, while the former continued to surge more dramatically to about 8.8 % in 2004 to become the highest in the chart, the latter witnessed a minor increase to 3.1%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Africa individuals" -> "African individuals"
Explanation: "African individuals" is a more accurate and respectful term to refer to individuals from the continent of Africa.
"telephone" -> "telecommunications"
Explanation: "Telecommunications" is a broader and more precise term that encompasses various means of communication, including fixed-line and mobile phones.
"20 years period" -> "two-decade period"
Explanation: "Two-decade period" is a more specific and sophisticated way to refer to a period spanning 20 years.
"From 1994 to 2000" -> "Between 1994 and 2000"
Explanation: "Between" is more appropriate to indicate a time span, emphasizing the duration from one point to another.
"constant rise" -> "steady increase"
Explanation: "Steady increase" conveys the idea of a consistent upward movement in a smoother manner.
"just under 1.7%" -> "slightly below 1.7%"
Explanation: "Slightly below" is a more precise and descriptive phrase to indicate a small margin.
"witnessing a gradual growth" -> "experiencing gradual growth"
Explanation: "Experiencing" is a more active and precise verb choice that adds clarity to the sentence.
"proportion of individuals subscribing to fix-lined" -> "percentage of individuals subscribing to fixed-line"
Explanation: "Percentage of individuals subscribing to fixed-line" is a more grammatically correct and formal expression.
"fix-lined" -> "fixed-line"
Explanation: "Fixed-line" is the correct term for landline telecommunication services.
"was equal, at 3%" -> "were equal, at 3%"
Explanation: Since "proportion" refers to plural individuals, "were" should be used instead of "was" for subject-verb agreement.
"surge more dramatically" -> "experienced a more pronounced surge"
Explanation: "Experienced a more pronounced surge" conveys the idea of a sharper and more noticeable increase.
"to about 8.8 %" -> "to approximately 8.8%"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more precise term to indicate an estimated value.
"witnessed a minor increase" -> "experienced a marginal increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a marginal increase" suggests a slight rise in a more formal and precise manner.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the task by describing the changes in the proportion of people in Africa subscribing to fixed-line and mobile phones between 1995 and 2004. It provides an overview of the main trends in both categories over the mentioned period.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could more fully develop the response by providing additional details or comparisons between fixed-line and mobile subscriptions. Additionally, ensure that all key features are adequately highlighted and relevant information is included without being repetitive or inaccurate.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information, with a noticeable progression throughout. Each paragraph is focused on a central topic, with cohesive devices used to connect ideas within and between sentences. The essay effectively presents the trends depicted in the graph, discussing the changes in the percentage of people subscribing to fixed-line and mobile phones over the specified time period.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smoother and more explicit. Additionally, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas. Paying closer attention to paragraph structure and logical sequencing will contribute to a more cohesive presentation overall.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, primarily using basic terms related to the topic, such as "graph," "percentage," "proportion," "subscribed," "telephone," and "period." However, there is a lack of variety and sophistication in lexical choices, resulting in repetitive use of words like "fixed-line" and "mobile." Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly constructed, such as "witnessed a gradual growth," which could be expressed more precisely. There are also noticeable errors in word choice and word formation, such as "fix-lined" instead of "fixed-line" and "1994" instead of "1995." These errors detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to diversify their vocabulary by incorporating a wider range of terms related to the topic, such as synonyms for "increase," "decrease," and "trend." Additionally, they should strive for more precise and appropriate word choices to convey their ideas effectively. Proofreading for spelling and word formation errors is crucial to ensure clarity and coherence in the essay. Finally, the writer could benefit from studying model essays to gain insight into advanced lexical usage and sentence structures.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which contributes to its overall coherence. There are attempts at using complex structures, such as "the proportion of individuals subscribing to fix-lined and mobile was equal," which enrich the language. However, there are some errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally affect clarity but do not significantly hinder communication. For example, "From 1994 to 2000, there was a constant rise" should be "From 1995 to 2000," and "fixed -line" should be "fixed-line."

How to improve:
To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and punctuation. Reviewing and revising sentences for clarity and correctness would strengthen the essay’s overall effectiveness. Additionally, strive to incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures to further enrich the language and demonstrate greater flexibility.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph delineates alterations in the proportion of individuals in Africa who subscribed to fixed-line and mobile phones between 1995 and 2004.

It is evident that both categories experienced a substantial upward trajectory over the two-decade period. Moreover, mobile phones emerged as the predominant telecommunications choice by the end of the specified timeframe.

Between 1994 and 2000, there was a consistent increase in the percentage of fixed-line subscribers, rising from just under 1.7% to 2.5%. Conversely, the proportion of individuals subscribing to mobile services remained steady at 0.06% in the initial three years before gradually ascending to 2% by 2000.

In 2001, the percentage of individuals subscribing to fixed-line and mobile phones was equal, at 3%. However, while the former continued to experience a more pronounced surge, reaching approximately 8.8% by 2004 to claim the highest position in the chart, the latter saw a marginal increase to 3.1%.