The line graph below shows the average cost of monthly contract for four different mobile (cell phone) in a European country from January to September 2002, measured in euro

The line graph illustrates four different mobile phone models in terms of average monthly contract price, measured in euros, in a European nation between January and September 2002.
Overall, there was an increase in the figure for Domo, Lex and Alpha, with Alpha mobile experienced the most significant increase, while the opposite trend was observed for Sim TX mobile. In addition, Alpha mobile's cost was highest between August and September.
The group experienced an increase in the average monthly cost of the contract. Domo mobile began at 15 euros, subsequently rising significantly to 25 euros in July and concluding at 23 euros. Lex mobile's average cost decreased by 3 euros in January, with a subsequently rebound following a fluctuation over five months and a substantial increase to 18 euros in September. Alpha mobile experienced a price increase. The figure for average price started at 5 euro in January and it remain unchanged at this figure in June, followed by a skyrocket increase to 25 euro in September, even surpassing Domo mobile.
For the remaining mobile, namely Sim TX. It exhibited fluctuations within the range of 9 to 11 euros between the first month and May, after which it saw a slight rise to 14 euro in June and later dropped to approximately 8 euro in the last month.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is more precise and formal than "illustrates" in the context of presenting data visually, aligning better with academic style.
"in terms of average monthly contract price, measured in euros, in a European nation" -> "in terms of average monthly contract prices, measured in euros, in a European country"
Explanation: "Prices" is the plural form necessary here to match the plural subject "mobile phone models." Also, "country" is more specific than "nation," which is often too vague and less precise in academic writing.
"with Alpha mobile experienced the most significant increase" -> "Alpha mobile experienced the most significant increase"
Explanation: Removing "with" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more direct and formal.
"In addition, Alpha mobile’s cost was highest between August and September" -> "Furthermore, Alpha mobile’s cost peaked in August and September"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is more formal than "In addition," and "peaked" is a more precise term than "was highest" to describe the highest point in a trend.
"The group experienced an increase in the average monthly cost of the contract" -> "The group witnessed a rise in the average monthly contract cost"
Explanation: "Witnessed" and "rise" are more precise and formal terms than "experienced" and "increase," respectively, enhancing the academic tone.
"Domo mobile began at 15 euros, subsequently rising significantly to 25 euros in July and concluding at 23 euros" -> "Domo mobile started at 15 euros, then increased significantly to 25 euros in July, and concluded at 23 euros"
Explanation: "Started" and "increased" are more specific verbs than "began" and "rising," and "concluded" is more formal than "concluding."
"Lex mobile’s average cost decreased by 3 euros in January" -> "Lex mobile’s average cost decreased by 3 euros in January"
Explanation: The sentence is grammatically correct and clear as it is.
"a fluctuation over five months" -> "a fluctuation over a five-month period"
Explanation: "A five-month period" is a more precise and formal way to describe the duration of the fluctuation.
"Alpha mobile experienced a price increase" -> "Alpha mobile saw a price increase"
Explanation: "Saw" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "experienced" in this context.
"it remain unchanged at this figure in June" -> "it remained unchanged at this figure in June"
Explanation: "Remained" is the correct form of the verb "remain" in this context, correcting a grammatical error.
"a skyrocket increase to 25 euro" -> "a significant increase to 25 euros"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more formal adjective than "skyrocket," and "euros" should be plural to match the plural subject "mobile."
"For the remaining mobile, namely Sim TX" -> "For the remaining mobile, namely Sim TX mobile"
Explanation: Adding "mobile" after "Sim TX" clarifies that it refers to the mobile phone model, enhancing clarity and precision.
"It exhibited fluctuations within the range of 9 to 11 euros" -> "It exhibited fluctuations within the range of 9 to 11 euros"
Explanation: The sentence is grammatically correct and clear as it is.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and grammar to meet the standards of academic writing, enhancing clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "Alpha mobile experienced a price increase," but it does not provide any specific details about the increase. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "Lex mobile’s average cost decreased by 3 euros in January." This detail is not relevant to the overall trend of the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could state that "Alpha mobile experienced a significant price increase, rising from 5 euros in January to 25 euros in September." The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the statement that "Lex mobile’s average cost decreased by 3 euros in January" could be removed.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas in a generally coherent manner with an overall progression from January to September 2002. There is a clear attempt to organize the information sequentially, starting with an overview and then detailing each mobile phone model. However, there are some issues with cohesion within sentences and between ideas. For instance, some sentences could be more clearly connected to each other to enhance the flow of information. Additionally, while there is an attempt to use cohesive devices, their use is somewhat mechanical and could be improved to create stronger links between sentences and paragraphs. Paragraphing is used, but there are instances where it could be more logically structured, especially in transitions between different mobile phone models and their respective data.

How to improve:

Cohesion Improvement: Focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively to better connect sentences and ideas. This includes using pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases more naturally.
Logical Paragraphing: Ensure that paragraphs are logically structured to improve the flow of information between different mobile phone models and their respective data points. Each paragraph should have a clear central topic and transition smoothly to the next.
Clarity in Sentence Structure: Work on sentence structure to ensure clarity and coherence within each sentence, avoiding mechanical use of cohesive devices and striving for more natural transitions.

By addressing these points, the essay can achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion, moving towards a more cohesive and logically structured presentation of the information provided in the line graph.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It uses some technical terms related to data presentation (e.g., "line graph," "average monthly contract price") and specific vocabulary related to mobile phones (e.g., "Domo," "Lex," "Alpha," "Sim TX"). The writer attempts to vary vocabulary by using phrases like "experienced an increase," "subsequently rising," and "fluctuation," although these could be more varied and sophisticated to meet higher bands. There are minor inaccuracies and awkward phrases that slightly affect clarity and precision, such as "subsequently rebound following a fluctuation over five months" and "skyrocket increase," which could be improved for better lexical precision and sophistication.

How to improve:

Increase Lexical Variety: Use a wider range of vocabulary to describe trends and changes more precisely.
Use Sophisticated Phrasing: Aim for more natural and sophisticated phrases to convey ideas clearly and precisely.
Avoid Inaccuracies: Ensure accuracy in word choice and avoid awkward phrasing that may confuse the reader.

This essay effectively conveys the main points of the graph but would benefit from more varied and precise vocabulary to enhance lexical resource and clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is an attempt to vary sentence structures, although some sentences are overly simplified or awkwardly structured. Grammar and punctuation errors are noticeable but do not significantly hinder communication. There are issues such as tense inconsistency ("Alpha mobile experienced a price increase" should be "experiences"), awkward phrasing ("even surpassing Domo mobile"), and occasional inaccuracies ("remain unchanged at this figure" should be "remained unchanged at this figure").

How to improve: To improve to a higher band score, focus on using a wider range of sentence structures with more accuracy. Pay attention to tense consistency and avoid awkward phrasing that can confuse the reader. Review grammar rules and practice constructing sentences that are clear and concise.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph depicts the average monthly contract costs of four distinct mobile phone models in euros across a European country from January to September 2002.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the prices for Domo, Lex, and Alpha models, whereas Sim TX experienced a downward trend. Alpha model showed the most significant increase, becoming the costliest mobile between August and September.

Initially priced at 15 euros, Domo’s contract cost rose to 25 euros in July before slightly decreasing to 23 euros by September. Lex started at 18 euros in September after a fluctuating period from a 3 euro drop in January. Alpha saw its contract price steady at 5 euros from January to June, then skyrocket to 25 euros by September, surpassing even Domo.

Sim TX experienced fluctuations, ranging between 9 to 11 euros until May, rising to 14 euros in June, and then dropping to around 8 euros by September.