The line graphs illustrate the shifts in the UK industry steel from 1970 to 2000. Overall, the 30-year era saw significant decrease in employment status in UK. In addition, there was a considerably drop total UK demand, while the amount of steel production increase significantly in import. The amount of employment status was 50000 people in 1970, which decreased about 10000 people in 1980. In addition, a significant increase of people was seen in the amount of employment status from 1980 to 1990, ending at 21000. Beside, there was a slight drop of people in the amount of employment status, which was about 3000 people in 2000. The amount of steel total UK demand was 200000 in 1970 from 100000 in 20000, which significant drop about 100000 tones. A dramatic fall of about 7000 tones was seen in percentage of steel production in UK from 1970 to 1990, standing at 9000 tones, while from 1990 to 2000 saw a slight decline in UK production from 9000 to 8500. In contrast, there was a significant increase in steel import from 200 to 8000 tones.

The line graphs illustrate the shifts in the UK industry steel from 1970 to 2000.
Overall, the 30-year era saw significant decrease in employment status in UK. In addition, there was a considerably drop total UK demand, while the amount of steel production increase significantly in import.
The amount of employment status was 50000 people in 1970, which decreased about 10000 people in 1980. In addition, a significant increase of people was seen in the amount of employment status from 1980 to 1990, ending at 21000. Beside, there was a slight drop of people in the amount of employment status, which was about 3000 people in 2000.
The amount of steel total UK demand was 200000 in 1970 from 100000 in 20000, which significant drop about 100000 tones. A dramatic fall of about 7000 tones was seen in percentage of steel production in UK from 1970 to 1990, standing at 9000 tones, while from 1990 to 2000 saw a slight decline in UK production from 9000 to 8500. In contrast, there was a significant increase in steel import from 200 to 8000 tones.

The line graphs illustrate the shifts in the UK industry steel from 1970 to 2000.
Overall, the 30-year era saw significant decrease in employment status in UK. In addition, there was a considerably drop total UK demand, while the amount of steel production increase significantly in import.
The amount of employment status was 50000 people in 1970, which decreased about 10000 people in 1980. In addition, a significant increase of people was seen in the amount of employment status from 1980 to 1990, ending at 21000. Beside, there was a slight drop of people in the amount of employment status, which was about 3000 people in 2000.
The amount of steel total UK demand was 200000 in 1970 from 100000 in 20000, which significant drop about 100000 tones. A dramatic fall of about 7000 tones was seen in percentage of steel production in UK from 1970 to 1990, standing at 9000 tones, while from 1990 to 2000 saw a slight decline in UK production from 9000 to 8500. In contrast, there was a significant increase in steel import from 200 to 8000 tones.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "shifts" -> "changes"
   Explanation: "Shifts" is a bit informal for describing changes in a technical context like this. "Changes" is a more suitable and neutral term.

2. "30-year era" -> "three-decade period"
   Explanation: "30-year era" could be expressed more precisely as "three-decade period," which sounds more formal and precise.

3. "considerably drop" -> "significant drop"
   Explanation: "Considerably drop" is awkward; "significant drop" is a clearer and more formal alternative.

4. "employment status" -> "employment figures"
   Explanation: "Employment status" sounds a bit awkward here. "Employment figures" is a more common and appropriate term to describe the number of people employed.

5. "amount of steel production increase" -> "steel production increased"
   Explanation: "Amount of steel production increase" is grammatically incorrect. "Steel production increased" is a more concise and grammatically correct alternative.

6. "Beside" -> "Furthermore"
   Explanation: "Beside" is incorrect in this context. "Furthermore" is a more suitable transition word to introduce an additional point.

7. "slight drop of people" -> "slight decrease in employment"
   Explanation: "Slight drop of people" is awkward phrasing. "Slight decrease in employment" is a clearer and more formal way to express this idea.

8. "about 100000 tones" -> "by approximately 100,000 tonnes"
   Explanation: "About 100000 tones" should be corrected to "by approximately 100,000 tonnes" for proper usage of units and clarity.

9. "A dramatic fall of about 7000 tones" -> "A significant decline of approximately 7,000 tonnes"
   Explanation: "Dramatic fall of about 7000 tones" could be replaced with "A significant decline of approximately 7,000 tonnes" for a more precise and formal expression.

10. "seen in percentage of steel production" -> "observed in the percentage of steel production"
    Explanation: "Seen in percentage of steel production" lacks clarity and proper syntax. "Observed in the percentage of steel production" is a clearer alternative.

11. "standing at 9000 tones" -> "amounting to 9000 tonnes"
    Explanation: "Standing at 9000 tones" should be corrected to "amounting to 9000 tonnes" for proper usage and clarity.

12. "from 200 to 8000 tones" -> "from 200 to 8000 tonnes"
    Explanation: "Tones" should be corrected to "tonnes" for consistency in the usage of units.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to address the task by describing the shifts in the UK steel industry from 1970 to 2000. It covers some key features such as changes in employment status, total UK demand, steel production, and import. However, there are several issues with clarity, relevance, and accuracy. For instance, the presentation of data lacks clarity, and there are inaccuracies in the description of figures. The essay also lacks coherence and organization, making it difficult to follow the information presented.

How to improve:

1. Provide accurate and clear descriptions of the data presented in the graphs.
2. Organize the essay in a logical manner with clear transitions between different points.
3. Ensure relevance by focusing on key trends and avoiding irrelevant details.
4. Use appropriate language and grammar to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to convey information about the shifts in the UK steel industry from 1970 to 2000, but it lacks coherence and cohesion. The organization of ideas is weak, with information presented in a disjointed manner, hindering the reader’s understanding. There is no clear progression of ideas, and the essay jumps between different aspects without a logical flow. Additionally, there are issues with sentence-level cohesion, with repetitive use of certain phrases and lack of clear transitions between sentences. Paragraphing is also inadequate, with the text presented as a single block rather than structured into coherent paragraphs.

How to improve:

1. Focus on organizing the information logically, ensuring a clear progression of ideas from one point to the next. Consider outlining the main points before writing to maintain coherence.
2. Use cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transition words, and pronouns effectively to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs.
3. Ensure proper paragraphing by separating distinct ideas into paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a central topic and contain supporting details.
4. Avoid repetitive language and strive for variety in sentence structures to enhance readability and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of vocabulary usage with some repetitive language. While attempting to describe trends in steel industry data, the vocabulary is limited, and there are instances of inaccuracies in word choice and spelling, such as "employment status" instead of "employment figures" or "employment numbers". Additionally, there are grammatical errors and awkward phrasing throughout the essay, which impede clarity and effectiveness in communication. The essay lacks sophistication and precision in lexical choice.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more appropriate terms to describe the data. They should also pay attention to spelling and word formation to enhance clarity and readability. Additionally, refining grammatical structures and ensuring coherence in expression would elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay predominantly utilizes simple sentence structures with limited variation. There is an attempt to introduce complex structures, but these are often inaccurate or poorly formed, such as "there was a considerably drop total UK demand" and "while the amount of steel production increase significantly in import." Errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and tense consistency are prevalent throughout the essay, which affects clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences with appropriate subordinate clauses. Additionally, attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and tense consistency is crucial. Proofreading for grammatical errors before finalizing the essay will also help to improve accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graphs delineate the transformations within the UK steel industry spanning the period from 1970 to 2000.

In general, this three-decade span witnessed a significant decline in employment figures within the UK. Additionally, there was a notable reduction in the overall demand for steel in the UK, while the quantity of steel produced domestically experienced a marked increase. Concurrently, there was a substantial surge in steel imports.

Initially, in 1970, the workforce in the steel industry stood at 50,000 individuals, which dwindled to approximately 40,000 by 1980, marking a decrease of around 10,000 personnel. Subsequently, there was a noteworthy upturn in employment figures, reaching 21,000 by 1990. However, by the year 2000, there was a minor decline, with the workforce dropping to about 18,000 individuals.

Regarding steel demand, it commenced at 200,000 tons in 1970, dwindling drastically to 100,000 tons by 2000, reflecting a significant drop of approximately 100,000 tons. The percentage of steel produced domestically in the UK witnessed a substantial decrease from 1970 to 1990, plummeting to 9,000 tons. However, from 1990 to 2000, there was a slight downturn in domestic production, declining to 8,500 tons. Conversely, there was a noteworthy escalation in steel imports, rising from 200 to 8,000 tons.