The line graphs shows the income of four cafes in New York last year

The given line graph compares four coffee shops in terms of their income over the previous year

It is clear that the overall trend was upward, as the incomes for three of four cafes increased during the period. In contrast, the figure for The Tea Room’s income experienced a sharp decrease for most of the timeframe

The Tea Room began the period with the highest income of 160,000 dollars in January. It experienced a significant decline to 110,000 dollars in February, followed by a considerable rise to a peak of 180,000 dollars in March before dramatically plummeting to finish the period with the lowest figure of 50,000 dollars in December. By contrast, initially standing at 50,000 dollars in January, the figure for Wi-fi Café’s income increased steadily to 100,000 dollars over the next six months. Its income decreased gradually by 40,000 dollars from June to September before it bombed again, reaching a peak of 190,000 dollars in December

When it comes to Internet Express’s income, there was a steady fall from 100,000 to 80,000 dollars in the first half of the year, followed by significant growth to 140,000 dollars at the end of the period. A distinct trend was observed in the earning of Café Cool, which experienced a fluctuation between 20,000 and 40,000 dollars from January to June, after which it saw a significant surge to 120,000 dollars in December

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given line graph compares" -> "The provided line graph compares"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and precise than "given," which is somewhat colloquial and less specific in an academic context.
"in terms of their income over the previous year" -> "in terms of their annual income"
Explanation: "Annual income" is a more concise and formal way to refer to income over a year, improving the academic tone of the sentence.
"It is clear that the overall trend was upward" -> "The overall trend is evident as"
Explanation: "The overall trend is evident as" is more formal and avoids the passive voice, which is often less preferred in academic writing.
"the incomes for three of four cafes" -> "the income of three of the four cafes"
Explanation: "The income of three of the four cafes" is grammatically correct and more precise, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "the incomes for three of four cafes."
"a sharp decrease" -> "a significant decline"
Explanation: "Significant decline" is a more formal and precise term than "sharp decrease," which can sound somewhat informal and vague.
"dramatically plummeting" -> "dramatically decreasing"
Explanation: "Decreasing" is more appropriate in this context than "plummeting," which can imply a sudden and extreme drop, which might not be the intended meaning here.
"bombed again" -> "experienced a significant decrease"
Explanation: "Bombed" is an informal and colloquial term that does not belong in academic writing. "Experienced a significant decrease" is more formal and appropriate.
"When it comes to" -> "Regarding"
Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing compared to the colloquial "when it comes to."
"a steady fall" -> "a consistent decline"
Explanation: "Consistent decline" is a more precise and formal term than "steady fall," which can be vague and less formal.
"significant growth" -> "substantial increase"
Explanation: "Substantial increase" is a more formal expression than "significant growth," which is commonly used in less formal contexts.
"A distinct trend was observed" -> "A notable trend emerged"
Explanation: "A notable trend emerged" is a more formal and active way to describe the observation of a trend, enhancing the academic tone.
"fluctuation between 20,000 and 40,000 dollars" -> "variations between 20,000 and 40,000 dollars"
Explanation: "Variations" is more precise and formal than "fluctuation," which can imply random or uncontrolled changes, whereas "variations" suggests a patterned change.

These changes enhance the formality and precision of the language, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "the overall trend was upward" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also highlights some key features, such as the significant decline in The Tea Room’s income, but it does not provide enough detail about these features.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the overview and by extending the key features in more detail. For example, the essay could state that "the overall trend was upward, as the incomes for three of four cafes increased during the period. The income of The Tea Room decreased, while the income of Wi-fi Café, Internet Express, and Café Cool increased." The essay could also provide more detail about the significant decline in The Tea Room’s income, such as stating that "The Tea Room’s income decreased from 160,000 dollars in January to 50,000 dollars in December, a decrease of 110,000 dollars."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. Each paragraph focuses on a specific café and its income trend over the year, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. However, there are some issues with cohesion within and between sentences. For instance, the transition between the description of The Tea Room and Wi-fi Café could be smoother. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices, such as "by contrast" and "when it comes to," is effective but somewhat mechanical. The referencing is generally clear, but there are instances where it could be more precise.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. For example, instead of starting a new paragraph abruptly, use phrases like "Similarly," "In addition," or "On the other hand" to link ideas more naturally.
Improve Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph not only presents a clear central topic but also flows seamlessly into the next. This can be achieved by summarizing the main point of the current paragraph and hinting at the topic of the next one.
Refine Referencing: Be more precise with referencing to avoid any potential confusion. For example, instead of saying "it bombed again," specify what "it" refers to for clarity.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of ideas. However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "plummeting" and "surge," but these are not consistently accurate or varied. There are also some minor errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the figure for The Tea Room’s income" which could be more naturally phrased. Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not impede overall understanding.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary and ensure that less common lexical items are used accurately. Additionally, practicing the use of varied collocations and refining word choice will contribute to a more natural and fluent expression of ideas. Reducing minor errors in spelling and word formation will also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, effectively conveying the information from the line graph. However, there are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the figure for The Tea Room’s income experienced a sharp decrease" could be more clearly articulated. While the overall communication is maintained, the presence of errors suggests that the grammatical range and accuracy are not fully controlled.
How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety of sentence structures used, ensuring that complex sentences are both accurate and clear. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission would help in achieving a higher level of accuracy. Practicing the use of more sophisticated grammatical structures and ensuring that they are correctly applied will also contribute to a better score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph compares the incomes of four coffee shops in New York over the previous year.

It is clear that the overall trend was upward, as the incomes for three out of the four cafes increased during the period. In contrast, the figure for The Tea Room’s income experienced a sharp decrease for most of the timeframe.

The Tea Room began the period with the highest income of $160,000 in January. It experienced a significant decline to $110,000 in February, followed by a considerable rise to a peak of $180,000 in March before dramatically plummeting to finish the period with the lowest figure of $50,000 in December. By contrast, initially standing at $50,000 in January, the income for Wi-fi Café increased steadily to $100,000 over the next six months. Its income then decreased gradually by $40,000 from June to September before soaring again, reaching a peak of $190,000 in December.

When it comes to Internet Express’s income, there was a steady fall from $100,000 to $80,000 in the first half of the year, followed by significant growth to $140,000 at the end of the period. A distinct trend was observed in the earnings of Café Cool, which experienced fluctuations between $20,000 and $40,000 from January to June, after which it saw a significant surge to $120,000 in December.