The map below shows the changes that have taken place at the waterfront area of a town called Darwin between 2009 and 2014.

The map presents the changes that took place in the waterfront area of a Darwin town from 2009 to 2014. Overall, a comprehensive analysis of an area reveals various transformations, most notably among the addition of roads as well as learning facilities accompanied with marine facilities.

In 2009, to the south of the waterfront lay an industrial area,which was then removed in order to make place for a newly-added trail linking to a harbor that was built after 5 years. There were lots of trees grown on both sides of this trail along with the opening of a university building on the left side in 2014. Additionally, the number of households adjacent to the university was doubled in quantity making the area become more residential.

Regarding the north of the waterfront, all of the facilities nearly remained unchanged during the entire period. To be more specific, there was a large curved road connecting to the fishing area, left side of which was a school and a convention center, surrounding the circular place containing a lake, trees and an industrial area, replaced by a swimming pool in 2014. Linking to that location was a small trail leading to the beach, both sides of which were a swimming pool.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The map presents" -> "The map depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise term in academic writing, suggesting a detailed representation, which is more suitable for describing a map than "presents," which can be too general.
"a comprehensive analysis of an area reveals" -> "a comprehensive analysis of this area reveals"
Explanation: Adding "this" before "area" clarifies the reference to the specific area being discussed, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"most notably among the addition of roads as well as learning facilities accompanied with marine facilities" -> "most notably, the addition of roads, learning facilities, and marine facilities"
Explanation: Removing "among" and rephrasing the list with commas improves readability and clarity, aligning better with formal academic style.
"to the south of the waterfront lay an industrial area" -> "south of the waterfront, an industrial area existed"
Explanation: Changing "lay" to "existed" corrects the verb tense to match the past context of the map, and using a comma after "waterfront" improves the sentence structure.
"which was then removed in order to make place for" -> "which was subsequently cleared to make way for"
Explanation: "Subsequently cleared" is more precise and formal than "then removed," and "make way for" is a more appropriate idiom in formal writing than "make place for."
"There were lots of trees grown on both sides" -> "Numerous trees were planted on both sides"
Explanation: "Numerous" is more formal than "lots," and "planted" is the correct verb for describing the action of putting trees in the ground.
"the opening of a university building" -> "the establishment of a university building"
Explanation: "Establishment" is a more formal term than "opening," which better fits the context of building construction.
"the number of households adjacent to the university was doubled in quantity" -> "the number of households adjacent to the university doubled"
Explanation: Simplifying "was doubled in quantity" to "doubled" removes redundancy and enhances clarity.
"making the area become more residential" -> "transforming the area into a more residential zone"
Explanation: "Transforming into a more residential zone" is more precise and formal, indicating a change in the area’s character.
"Regarding the north of the waterfront, all of the facilities nearly remained unchanged" -> "Regarding the north of the waterfront, the facilities remained largely unchanged"
Explanation: "Remained largely unchanged" is a more formal expression than "nearly remained unchanged," and it is more precise in academic writing.
"a large curved road connecting to the fishing area" -> "a curved road connecting the fishing area"
Explanation: Removing "large" and rephrasing the sentence improves the flow and clarity of the description.
"surrounding the circular place containing a lake, trees and an industrial area, replaced by a swimming pool" -> "surrounding the circular area featuring a lake, trees, and an industrial zone, which was replaced by a swimming pool"
Explanation: "Featuring" is more formal than "containing," and "zone" is a more precise term than "area" in this context. Also, "which was replaced by" is clearer and more formal than "replaced by."
"Linking to that location was a small trail leading to the beach, both sides of which were a swimming pool" -> "Connecting to this location is a small trail leading to the beach, both sides of which feature a swimming pool"
Explanation: "Connecting" is more precise than "Linking," and "feature" is more formal than "are." Additionally, "is" corrects the verb tense to match the present context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the changes that took place in the waterfront area of Darwin between 2009 and 2014. The essay adequately highlights the key features of the changes, such as the addition of a trail, a harbor, a university building, and a swimming pool. However, the essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the number of households adjacent to the university and the fact that the facilities in the north of the waterfront remained nearly unchanged.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing more on the key features of the changes and by avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the changes. For example, instead of saying that the number of households adjacent to the university was doubled, the essay could say that the area became more residential with the addition of new housing.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the details of the changes in the waterfront area. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical or unclear. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, particularly in distinguishing between the changes in the southern and northern parts of the waterfront.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Clearer Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the changes, such as separating the discussion of the southern and northern areas into distinct paragraphs for clarity.
Variety in Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect ideas, avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth and natural.
Enhanced Referencing: Improve the use of referencing to avoid ambiguity; for instance, clarify what "this" or "that" refers to in sentences to ensure the reader can easily follow the connections between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of the changes in the waterfront area. There are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "comprehensive analysis" and "transformation," but inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present. For instance, phrases like "make place for" and "doubled in quantity" are somewhat awkward and could be expressed more naturally. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and punctuation, such as the missing space after the comma in "industrial area,which," which do not impede overall understanding but detract from the overall quality of the writing.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes practicing the use of more sophisticated and contextually appropriate synonyms, as well as ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, reducing errors in spelling and punctuation will contribute to clearer communication. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and varying word choice can also help to convey ideas more fluently and flexibly.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, effectively conveying the main changes in the waterfront area. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "to make place for" and "the left side in 2014" exhibit awkward constructions. While the overall meaning is communicated, the errors are frequent enough to detract from the overall quality of the writing.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by reviewing sentence structures and ensuring proper punctuation. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentences with correct usage would also improve the score. Practicing error-free writing and seeking feedback on drafts can help identify and rectify common mistakes.

Bài sửa mẫu

The map presents the changes that took place in the waterfront area of Darwin from 2009 to 2014. Overall, a comprehensive analysis of the area reveals various transformations, most notably the addition of roads and learning facilities, accompanied by marine amenities.

In 2009, to the south of the waterfront lay an industrial area, which was subsequently removed to make way for a newly-added trail linking to a harbor that was constructed five years later. Numerous trees were planted on both sides of this trail, along with the opening of a university building on the left side in 2014. Additionally, the number of households adjacent to the university doubled, making the area more residential.

Regarding the north of the waterfront, most facilities remained unchanged during the entire period. Specifically, there was a large curved road connecting to the fishing area, to the left of which were a school and a convention center, surrounding a circular space containing a lake and trees. The industrial area was replaced by a swimming pool in 2014. Linking to that location was a small trail leading to the beach, flanked by a swimming pool on both sides.