The number of people working in 4 sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015.

The chart demonstrates the number of people who worked in 4 sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015. Overview, the major concentration of number of people lies between the range from 40 to under 80.
From the quick glance, in the labour domain, the quantity of people who worked in the volunteer sector of coachers out shadow the referees sector. The most noticeable proportion of the Volunteer of the Other sections is that’s about 10 larger than that section in Managers. It is inevitable that the Volunteer in Coachers sector represent the largest portion of Types of role, whereas that part in Referees is undisputedly the most minor.
The paid of Referees sector is less than the Coachers part (about 6 units). In Other sections, we can see the paid of this sector is more than the Managers part, with the number of 5.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Overview, the major concentration of number of people lies between the range from 40 to under 80." -> "The overview reveals that the majority of the number of people falls within the range of 40 to under 80."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and improves the academic tone by using more precise language.
"From the quick glance" -> "At a glance"
Explanation: "At a glance" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in academic writing, replacing the informal "quick glance."
"the quantity of people who worked in the volunteer sector of coachers out shadow the referees sector" -> "the number of people employed in the coaching sector exceeds that in the refereeing sector"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, using more precise terminology.
"The most noticeable proportion of the Volunteer of the Other sections is that’s about 10 larger than that section in Managers." -> "The most notable difference between the Volunteer and Manager sectors is approximately 10 units."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects these issues and uses more formal language.
"It is inevitable that the Volunteer in Coachers sector represent the largest portion of Types of role" -> "It is evident that the Volunteer sector in Coaching represents the largest proportion of roles"
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise terminology.
"that part in Referees is undisputedly the most minor" -> "this sector in Refereeing is undoubtedly the smallest"
Explanation: "Undisputedly" is not typically used in this context; "undoubtedly" is more appropriate. Also, "this sector in Refereeing" is more precise than "that part in Referees."
"The paid of Referees sector is less than the Coachers part" -> "The number of paid employees in the Referees sector is fewer than in the Coaching sector"
Explanation: "The paid of Referees sector" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar.
"In Other sections, we can see the paid of this sector is more than the Managers part, with the number of 5." -> "In the Other sector, the number of paid employees is higher than in the Manager sector, with a total of 5."
Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and grammatically awkward. The revision clarifies the meaning and improves the formality of the language.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay provides a general overview of the data, but it does not present a clear overview of the main trends or differences. The essay also does not adequately cover all key features/bullet points. For example, the essay does not mention the specific number of people working in each sector.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the data, including a clear description of the main trends and differences. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific information about the number of people working in each sector. For example, the essay could state that "The largest number of people worked in the volunteer coachers sector, with 75 people working in this role." The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the data. For example, instead of saying "The most noticeable proportion of the Volunteer of the Other sections is that’s about 10 larger than that section in Managers," the essay could say "The number of people working in the volunteer ‘Other’ sector was approximately 10 more than the number of people working in the ‘Managers’ sector."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to convey comparisons between different sports sectors, the ideas are not clearly structured, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, such as "the quantity of people who worked in the volunteer sector of coachers out shadow the referees sector," which lacks clarity. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the ideas do not flow logically from one to the next, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically, ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices accurately will help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, improving the clarity of expressions and avoiding vague phrases will contribute to a more coherent essay. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are well-structured and logically sequenced will improve overall readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the sports sectors, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "out shadow" instead of "outshines" or "overshadows," and "the paid of Referees sector" which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "coachers" instead of "coaches" and "Volunteer of the Other sections" which is unclear. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms relevant to the topic. Practicing the use of less common lexical items correctly and ensuring appropriate collocation would also be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy can help eliminate errors that impede communication. Engaging with a wider range of texts and practicing paraphrasing can also improve vocabulary range and flexibility.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, the accuracy of these attempts is inconsistent, leading to frequent grammatical errors that can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the quantity of people who worked in the volunteer sector of coachers out shadow the referees sector" contain errors such as "out shadow," which should be "outshines." Additionally, the sentence structures are often awkward, and punctuation errors are present, which detracts from overall clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring that they are accurate. Practicing the use of subordinate clauses and varying sentence beginnings can enhance the essay’s grammatical range. Furthermore, careful proofreading to eliminate grammatical and punctuation errors will improve accuracy and clarity, making the communication more effective.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart demonstrates the number of people who worked in four sports sectors in an Australian town in 2015. Overall, the major concentration of the number of people lies within the range of 40 to under 80.

At a quick glance, in the labor domain, the number of people who worked in the volunteer sector of coaches outshines the referees sector. The most noticeable proportion of volunteers in the other sections is about 10 units larger than that of the managers. It is evident that volunteers in the coaches sector represent the largest portion of the types of roles, whereas the referees sector is undisputedly the smallest.

The number of paid referees is less than that of coaches by approximately 6 units. In the other sections, we can see that the number of paid individuals in this sector is greater than that of the managers, with a total of 5.