The percentage of a drug company’s sales, 2002 to 2006.

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of sales of a pharmaceutical company across three regions, including Asia, Europe, and America.
Overall, Asia exhibited an increase in the proportion of drug sales while the opposite trend was true for Europe and America. America initially ranked first, but Asia overtook it towards the end of the period.
With 41% of total sales in 2002, America held the highest position. The figure then experienced a dramatic decrease, hitting a bottom of 27% in 2004, before rising and ending at 30% in 2006. Europe ranked second, with 34% in 2002. Having increased exponentially to 38% in 2004 to become the leading, the figure plunged and matched that of American in 2006.
Asia followed the opposite trajectory, starting at 25% in 2002 and surpassing that of America in 2005, with 35%. The figure continued to dramatically rise to 40% in 2006, which was equal to America’s initial proportion.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Overall, Asia exhibited an increase in the proportion of drug sales while the opposite trend was true for Europe and America." -> "Overall, Asia experienced an increase in the proportion of drug sales, whereas the opposite trend was observed in Europe and America."
Explanation: Replacing "exhibited an increase" with "experienced an increase" provides a more direct and precise verb choice, aligning better with formal academic language. The phrase "whereas the opposite trend was observed" enhances clarity and formality compared to "the opposite trend was true."
"America initially ranked first, but Asia overtook it towards the end of the period." -> "Initially, America held the top position, but Asia surpassed it towards the end of the period."
Explanation: "Held the top position" is a more formal expression than "ranked first," and "surpassed" is a more precise term than "overtake," which is slightly less formal.
"With 41% of total sales in 2002, America held the highest position." -> "In 2002, America accounted for 41% of total sales, thereby holding the highest position."
Explanation: "Accounted for" is a more precise and formal way to express the proportion of sales, and "thereby" adds a formal causal link between the action and the result.
"The figure then experienced a dramatic decrease, hitting a bottom of 27% in 2004, before rising and ending at 30% in 2006." -> "The figure then underwent a significant decline, reaching a low of 27% in 2004, before recovering to 30% in 2006."
Explanation: "Underwent a significant decline" is more formal than "experienced a dramatic decrease," and "reaching a low" is a more precise description than "hitting a bottom."
"Europe ranked second, with 34% in 2002. Having increased exponentially to 38% in 2004 to become the leading, the figure plunged and matched that of American in 2006." -> "Europe ranked second, with 34% in 2002. It then surged to 38% in 2004, becoming the leader, before plummeting to match the American figure in 2006."
Explanation: "Surged" and "plummeting" are more precise and formal verbs than "increased exponentially" and "plunged," and "becoming the leader" is clearer than "become the leading."
"Asia followed the opposite trajectory, starting at 25% in 2002 and surpassing that of America in 2005, with 35%." -> "Asia followed an opposite trajectory, commencing at 25% in 2002 and surpassing that of America in 2005, reaching 35%."
Explanation: "Commencing" is more formal than "starting," and "reaching" is a more precise term than "with."
"The figure continued to dramatically rise to 40% in 2006, which was equal to America’s initial proportion." -> "The figure continued to rise significantly to 40% in 2006, matching America’s initial proportion."
Explanation: "Significantly" is less dramatic than "dramatically," which may be considered too informal for academic writing, and "matching" is a more precise term than "was equal to."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that "Asia followed the opposite trajectory, starting at 25% in 2002 and surpassing that of America in 2005, with 35%." However, the essay does not mention that Asia’s sales continued to rise to 40% in 2006.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by highlighting key features/bullet points more adequately. For example, the essay could mention that Asia’s sales continued to rise to 40% in 2006. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific details about the data. For example, the essay could mention that America’s sales decreased by 14% between 2002 and 2004.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. The use of cohesive devices is evident, such as "overall," "initially," and "however," which help to connect ideas. However, there are instances where cohesion within sentences could be improved, as some transitions feel mechanical. The paragraphing is present but could be more logically structured to enhance clarity, particularly in distinguishing between the regions’ sales trends.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from clearer referencing and substitution to avoid repetition, particularly when discussing the sales figures for each region. Additionally, enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic would improve coherence. More varied and sophisticated cohesive devices could also be employed to create a smoother reading experience.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying the data presented in the bar chart. The use of terms such as "proportion," "exhibited," "dramatic decrease," and "surpassing" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and phrasing, such as "the opposite trend was true for Europe and America," which could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, while the vocabulary is adequate for the task, it does not consistently showcase the sophistication or natural control expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer could incorporate a wider variety of synonyms and more sophisticated phrases to describe trends and comparisons. For instance, instead of "dramatic decrease," they could use "significant decline" or "marked reduction." Furthermore, ensuring that all word choices are precise and contextually appropriate will help to minimize inaccuracies and elevate the overall quality of the vocabulary used.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, they are not always executed with accuracy. The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as "the figure then experienced a dramatic decrease, hitting a bottom of 27%," where "hitting a bottom" is awkward phrasing. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which can affect clarity. However, these errors do not significantly impede overall communication, allowing the reader to understand the main points being conveyed.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of complex sentence structures and minimizing grammatical errors. This can be done by practicing more complex sentence forms and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly. Additionally, reviewing and revising sentences for clarity and coherence can help enhance the overall quality of the writing. Engaging in exercises that target specific grammatical structures and seeking feedback on written work can also be beneficial.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of sales of a pharmaceutical company across three regions: Asia, Europe, and America. Overall, Asia exhibited an increase in the proportion of drug sales, while the opposite trend was observed for Europe and America. Initially, America ranked first, but Asia overtook it towards the end of the period.

With 41% of total sales in 2002, America held the highest position. This figure then experienced a dramatic decrease, reaching a low of 27% in 2004, before rising again to end at 30% in 2006. Europe ranked second, with 34% in 2002. After increasing significantly to 38% in 2004, it became the leading region; however, this figure plunged and matched that of America in 2006.

Asia followed an opposite trajectory, starting at 25% in 2002 and surpassing America in 2005 with 35%. The figure continued to rise dramatically, reaching 40% in 2006, which was equal to America’s initial proportion.